Feeling guilty for getting so angry at my 2-year-old...

[malayasmommy]

My DD (just turned 2) and I have always struggled with naptimes, but in the last few months I have worked on developing a very nice, consistent routine that has been working really well for us. However, we had a tough day today.

I feel confident that I have a good routine with her, but she hasn't been feeling well lately and fighting naps like you wouldn't believe. She is obviously tired and needs sleep, but she does this high-pitched squealing/crying thing while I rock her. I rocked her for 50 min., during which she did the high pitched squealing (when I asked her why she told me "wants to play with the dollies" despite the fact that she can hardly keep her eyes open). Long story short--I got so angry that I put her in her crib, told her "mom is feeling very mad right now and needs a break"--and proceeded to go into our living room where I yelled at the top of my lungs and slammed doors for about 3 min. Her high pitched squealing stopped, and when I was done I took a few breaths and walked back to her. I tried to "debrief" her--I told her mommy was feeling very mad, but not at her; that mommy was slamming doors and yelling because mommy was frustrated; and that I was sorry if I scared her--and that I loved her. After rocking her for about 5 min., she immediately fell asleep.

I feel absolutely awful that I probably scared the crap out of her. I worry that she falls asleep so quickly afterwards to detach from me and how scary it is when I get that way. This isn't the first time I've done this--it used to happen about once a month but then I started doing more to take care of myself and now it's the first time it's happened in about 3 mos. I am happy about that, but I guess I feel so alone...do other people experience this? What do you do, or what is some advice you have?

My husband and I "tag team" parent (I work evenings until 11pm, and stay home with my daughter from the time she wakes up at 6:30am until 4pm). Nap time is the ONLY time I have to cook dinner, clean up messes, and *maybe* have 10 min. to myself (DD usually takes a nap for 1-1.5 hours per day). I know this is part of the challenge, as my days do get very long. I have started to include some yoga (I have a neighbor watch her twice per week), and a little more "me" time every other weekend and as I said this has helped...but I just wish I didn't feel so angry.

Am I just teaching her that it's ok to have a normal range of emotion and to feel and express anger? Or causing her to be scared of her mommy's temper? I never fear that I am going to hurt her physically, and I don't yell *at* her...I just don't want to scare her.

Thank you for reading this, I know this is very long. It was a really difficult one to post...I want so much to be a good mommy and overall I feel good about it but when I have days like today it's hard to feel good about that.

[nolonger]

:

I think you handled this WONDERFULLY.

Maybe in an ideal world you could have handed her of to dh or a sibling or a sister or a gramma and gone out of hearing range, but we don't live in an ideal world and, as you already know, you were able to model for her that it is normal to have emotions and that these emotions can be like storms that are very powerful and need to be dealt with, but they do pass and your love for her is stronger than any momentary release of frustration.

She may not understand the words of the "debriefing" session, but she understands the feelings and the willingness and need to reconnect and that mama is a human being like herself and not a machine.

At her age, she is going to be dealing with plenty of frustration and rage (I hate the demeaning word "tantrum", but you know what i mean) and it is good that you modeled a safe way of doing so.

WTG, mama.

[RunningMomTegan]

Better than yelling at her... she was probably more confused than upset by you. "What the HECK is Mommy doing???"

DS not going to sleep when he's obviously tired and I have a million things to do is the one thing that gets me hot. I'm single parenting while DH is at school, and the hour from his bedtime to mine is the ONLY chance I get to prepare for the next day when I once again leave for work at 6:30 AM. To not have that time is excruciating.

Hugs. You're not the only one, and being frustrated by a behavior and recognizing and naming that BEHAVIOR specifically is part of helping your little one understand how to handle anger and frustration.

[Anastasiya]

Originally Posted by malayasmommy

I am happy about that, but I guess I feel so alone...do other people experience this?

YES!!!!!!!!!!!

With four kids ages five and under you can be SURE I experience this, and of course I always regret it immediately.


I still haven't found the trick to being a calmer and more patient person. When I just had our first child, I was as patient as the day was long. Then came along number two...and things got harder, so I got a bit more stressed and frazzled and my patience got a little thinner.

I try SO hard. I had a meltdown yesterday though. A big, bad meltdown. One kiddo tore up my newly folded laundry, another kiddo has had disgusting watery-poop explosions for a few days and sprunk leak after leak through his clothes - and you can only change so many diapers in a day before you go NUTS! - he was on poop #10! Another kiddo wouldn't STOP crying, the first one who tore up my laundry walked right through a dirt pile I was sweeping when I told him NOT to and kicked things everywhere, another child was doing the constant whining thing, and a whole bunch of other things happened that caused the entire evening to just collapse in insanity, and I just snapped.

I got rushed and mad, put the littlest one in his crib so he could scream alone before I lost it further, tossed the poopy one in the tub to rinse off for the upteenth time that day and roughly unzipped his pull over top which caused the zipper to catch on his chest and cut him ALL UP!!! , yelled at the whining child, then finally I snapped in all my insanity and popped the dirt-walking-through and laundry-messing-up kiddo on the butt as he walked down the hallway kicking clean towels across the floor.

What a mess.

Then I had to call my husband so he could calm me down. And then I got all my kids together and told them that Mommy was naughty, that Mommy got upset and that she was sorry, and that I loved them....

Then I felt like crap the rest of the night.

So no, you're not alone.

[not_telling]

Also here to say that, no, you're not the only one...[big sigh]

It's the sleeping-related stuff that really gets to me, too. DS has started to shorten his one nap from about 80-90 minutes to 50-60 minutes. For a while it was really easy to get him back to sleep (tell him still time for sleepies and rub his back - asleep in 5 minutes). Now he absolutely fights it. We're having the same problem with bed at night, too. He had been doing pretty well with our new initiative of staying in his crib after his first wake-up and only coming to our bed after 2nd wake-up. Now it's taking me 60-90 minutes to get him back to sleep. It makes me INSANE and some days (maybe once every other month, or even once a month) I completely lose it - like yesterday at nap time when he woke after only 50 minutes. I try bouncing the crib mattress with my hand to gently jiggle him back to sleep and suddenly find myself bouncing it so hard that he's practically bouncing off the mattress himself. Or I'm patting his back and realize that I'm doing it harder and harder (not quite "shaken baby" but the farthest thing from gentle, too.) And I start getting loud and sarcastic ("Ohhhh, you're going to have the besssst nap. Sleepy, sleepy!!"). It's terrible. I ended up taking him out of the crib, holding him like a football, running downstairs, putting him down on the rug while I sat in a chair and watched TV for about 10 minutes...while he cried and cried and I just glowered and glared.

Then we had huggies. Don't know if it's hormonal or what, but yes, BTDT.

[malayasmommy]

Thank you, kind mama's, for your responses. It helps SO much to not feel alone in this. It's always good to work towards improving ourselves, but maybe this is one area I just have to find acceptance in--I've always been a little "hot headed" (my mama's words). If I can slowly make changes to improve that would be great, but I may never be Mother Theresa with my patience--and maybe I'm teaching my daughter that it's ok to be who you are, imperfections and all! (If only I could remember this while stewing in my guilt.) Take care of all yourselves, and thanks again!

[Heidi74]

I also think you handled it well, and I know exactly how you feel. My 2 1/2 year old DS is starting to resist naps as well, and a couple of weeks ago I felt exactly like that. (Incidentally, I have found that the only surefire way to get him to nap is to put him in the stroller and go for a walk around the block, so now I load both kids up in the stroller at naptime and big brother falls asleep while little brother (7 mos) can look at the world and get some fresh air. After 10-15 minutes of walking, he's asleep and I can head back home. I park the stroller in the hallway...and he's out for at least an hour. This strategy may not work for you, but I thought I'd mention it.)

[maddycakes]

I am so right there with you. And it always comes down to when DD won't sleep--especially the nap, which I think she is slowly dropping. I can handle the whining, the constant questions, the not listening, etc. But when it comes to her refusing to go to sleep or taking a painfully long time to fall asleep, I have lost it on more than one occasion. I can clearly remember the first time it happened--she was about 5 or 6 months old and would not settle for a nap despite me holding, nursing, etc. Finally after about an hour I just took her pacifier and threw it across the room. And then I felt horrible. Most recently, DD was fighting the nap and clearly needed it (she's 2.5 now)--and although it's not her fault that we have always stayed in the room until she falls asleep, we have not minded doing that (until just recently when it has stopped working to our advantage). So after about 45 minutes of waiting for her to settle and stop screaming, I just walked out of her room and went into mine and screamed bloody murder into a pillow. I needed that physical release and it helped somewhat, but I still felt guilty and embarassed that I let her get to me like that. But you just can't help it sometimes.

I recently determined that there is a pattern of when I get to this point, and it's typically when I have not had at least 30 minutes to myself, in complete solitude, in 4 or 5 days. I attribute this largely to me being an introverted person (not shy--that's different) and really requiring some physical, social and emotional space on a regular basis after I have been touched, talked and tantrumed out. I work outside the home 4 days a week so if it's particularly busy there during any given week, sometimes naps on Fridays are when I have my first opportunity to have some semblance of solitude....and when it doesn't go according to (my) plan, I am not myself and reach a boiling point.

So now, when a nap is clearly not going to happen we go outside and just walk around our snow covered garden. I am probably not doing her any favors by giving mixed signals that if she whines long enough I will relent, but it gives us both an opportunity for fresh air to regroup, I don't end up screaming and I ponder the upcoming spring days that will hopefully include some more outside activities that will wear her out enough to nap without resistance.

Good luck working through it!

[ema-adama]

Sleep definitely does this to me too. Or lack of going to sleep. My son, 2 years old, also fights naps and when he falls asleep, sleeps for 2 hours solid (he seems to really need that sleep). And it wears me out. As I know that the same waits for me at bedtime again. Most days it just is a long process and rather a fight.

I also never scream at him, but I do shout about how angry I am feeling and how frustrated I am. And then feel awful. But I do not have someone else to be with him, I am home alone with him. I am doing the best I can.

I still do not know what the ideal situation is for when I am home alone with him and so frustrated that I am seething......

My husband reminds me that it is ok for our son to see me angry. I would not be human if I was never angry. My DH had a father who never expressed anger, and he was always very scared of him as he felt he didn't know what was going on. All emotions were suppressed, not just anger. But yeah, I wish I could be more dignified in my anger and less frazzled not really possible, I know.

[rightkindofme]

My theory is that as parents it is our job to teach our children how to handle emotions. If they never see us have strong/difficult emotions we kind of lose credibility as examples in that area.

I have a temper. I have a temper that is very hard to control. It is a constant battle for me and it's 300% worse while I am pregnant. But I'm a grown up and I have to deal with it. Sometimes dealing with it means going in my bedroom and shutting the door and screeching and punching the top of my dresser until my knuckles bruise. Is that an awesome reaction? Well... it's certainly not perfect. But I'm not hitting my kid. I'm not damaging property. And I'm getting back under control rather quickly. That seems to me like the best I can ask of myself at this exact moment in time.

I don't actually feel bad about this. But I have a long history of serious mental health issues and I'm very clear about what all the not-ok reactions are and I'm not doing any of them. I believe I am doing a good job.

I think you are too.