Big time MIL problems - LONG

[longtallanimal]

I am looking for a little advice about my MIL issues.

The background: DH has one brother, and of the two, until recently DH was much closer to his parents than his brother. Particularly with MIL; I always used to joke that DH was the "daughter she never had." Anyway, at times in our relationship, she seemed very happy that we had found each other, telling me point blank that he is much happier with me than she ever knew him to be before. After we started wedding planning, I tried to include her in some aspects, although she lives 4 hours from us and 2 hours from the wedding site (my mom's house). In an effort to engage her, I even asked her to help with the flowers, which ended up biting me in the rear before the whole thing was over.

The day before the wedding, MIL was there, helping prepare, and suddenly got upset by some incidentals -- my bridesmaids helping with flowers, thereby "leaving her out." She didn't say a word to me, but after DH and FIL arrived, she expressed to them how much I had hurt her, and that she might not even come to the wedding the next day. Long story short, she came, but refused to be in any of the photos, wouldn't smile or look at us during the ceremony or after, and, after several glasses of wine, came up to me during the reception to yell at me. It was all horribly upsetting to me, as well as DH, and we didn't see them for Christmas that year or the following (08 and 09). DH has slowly accepted the change in his family, and has phone conversations with his mother from time to time. Many times these conversations quickly decline because she insists so vehemently that I hurt her on purpose at the wedding, and he has hurt her as well, and we feel no remorse. DH usually describes her as "crazy" when they get off the phone.

This past summer, I saw her for the first time at BIL's wedding. We are very close with BIL & SIL, and although I put on a pretty brave face when seeing her again, it was very hard because she acted just overjoyed at their wedding and was very supportive. We only spoke to one another to say "hello" and "goodbye," pretty much, and she seemed reluctant to make eye contact with me.

I promise I have a point... so, she and DH had lunch together today. For the first time, she seems to want to try to have a relationship with the both of us again. He made it clear to her that I will not apologize for anything in the past, because neither of us feels it is necessary or called for, but I am willing to meet up and start trying to act like a family again. He told her about the baby today (she hadn't known before) and she seemed happy about it.

My problem is that I have all these negative feelings toward her that I have barely even processed, because it's been so easily "out of sight, out of mind." Seeing her at BIL's wedding this summer gave me flashes of anger when I thought about how much she had tried to wreck our wedding and happiness. I know that since I am much more sound of mind, and I want the best for DH, I have to try to suck it up and try to forget about the past, but it is hard, because I feel like I am compromising my feelings in the process. I suppose after we see each other again I could try to talk to her about my feelings, but I'm a really anti-confrontational person, and just thinking about it makes me all shaky and flushed.

One final thing: MIL has some sort of immune disorder that she has been sick with for years. The nature of it is somewhat mysterious to me, although I know that many days she can hardly get out of bed, and relies heavily on pain meds and is on lots of other prescriptions. I know that for a time she was on methadone for pain, for ex. IMHO the drugs have probably affected the mind of someone who is prone to these kind of conflicts anyway -- DH has mentioned issues she's had with her own mother in the past that have caused them to not talk for months at a time.

Do any of you who have gone through similar situations have any advice for how you have dealt with it? I want the best for DH, and the loss of his relationship with his parents has been very hard for him. I dread seeing her once again, even though I know it's the "right" thing to do.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/6/11 at 8:36am

[Peony]

As someone who has a similar MIL and the on again off again relationship, I feel for you. After trying for almost 10 years, DH is done and the IL's are not in our lives at all anymore. MIL had become more and more toxic as the years went on and it wasn't healthy for our family.


If you guys are going to start doing the whole family thing again then a couple tips, I have done the "reunion" more times then I care to count.

-The first meeting should be in a public place, like going out to dinner. Work up to meeting at a house, going out is much less scarier then going over to their house or having them over to your's. And Dh should always be there for the first few meetings IMO.

-Keep the conversation simple. If you think a topic would be a hot one then avoid it, this goes for anything from politics to birthing choices.

-Do not engage. If she wants to bring up old issues then do the whole bean dip thing or just politely say that you are not getting into that now.

-If later once the relationship is progressing, she shows interest in discussing old issues, and you are up for it, then go for it, but you don't have to either.

-Just go slowly, and see what happens. Things could be great and the past could just be a exactly that, the past, or a different relationship can develop. There is no rule that that it has to all or nothing. A polite relationship in which you guys are not all that involved in each others lives is fine as well.

[Violet2]

She is who she is. She likely isn't going to change.

But let it go. Visit. Be polite but keep her at a distance. If her social skills are half way decent it won't be too hard.

ETA: Some perspective on big time MIL problems. My MIL showed up when I was 3 days postpartum, paranoid out of her skull, on the run from police in Europe (she'd been trying to poison the neighbors and lighting things on fire and throwing them down the elevator shaft). That is a big problem. You do not have a big problem even though it may feel that way. This is manageable but you (being the sane one) get to do all the work to make it happen.

V

[longtallanimal]

Peony -- Thanks, I was hoping from some insight from the "been there done that" crowd.

Violet2 -- Thanks for the perspective, I was just telling DH that things could be worse, on a big dramatic scale like yours, or the kind of IL problems my friend has, in which she and her DH's finances are all tied up with their ILs.

I have let DH know I am open to visiting, etc. Contact with her makes him so stressed out that I hate to bring up my feelings in the aftermath, but I do because I feel like it's unhealthy not to. He is prone to getting down in the dumps anyway, so I hate to put anything else on his plate the days that he's been talking to her. I just have this feeling inside that these problems will never go away, we'll just keep finding ways to deal with them. Hopefully I'm wrong, though.

[zinemama]

I'm confused. If this woman stresses your husband out so much and if even he thinks she's crazy, why exactly is he pursuing a closer relationship with her?

I would say this is kind of a follow his lead type of thing. I wouldn't be pushing for any kind of relationship in your shoes. But if it's something he really wants, I'd encourage him to take things very slow, as a pp suggested.

As for you, I wouldn't bother bringing up the past. But I'd keep things on a very polite, very superficial level with this woman. No confidences, no getting close emotionally, and politely deflect any attempts by her in that direction.

[no5no5]

My MIL is very similar (even down to the painkillers). From the beginning, I've adopted a smile & nod & sympathize strategy that works wonders. Then, in the car on the way home, I let loose with how I really feel. It sucks that I can't be myself around her, but that's life. She's crazy and passive-aggressive and holds a grudge.

The most important thing is to have your DH on your side, both in private and in front of her. Talk about it, figure out what your boundaries and strategies are, and stick to them.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by longtallanimal

DH usually describes her as "crazy" when they get off the phone.

since I am much more sound of mind

IMHO the drugs have probably affected the mind of someone who is prone to these kind of conflicts anyway

Stop. She is not mentally ill. Mental illness is real, serious, and debilitating. She got upset before a wedding. It's normal. You've both been immature.

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

Stop. She is not mentally ill. Mental illness is real, serious, and debilitating. She got upset before a wedding. It's normal. You've both been immature.

It could easily be a personality disorder. My MIL certainly has one. I don't see why you would assume that OP's MIL is not mentally ill. The OP didn't include any facts that would rule that out as far as I saw.

[annettemarie]

Just stepping in to remind us all to please stick to the User Agreement when posting. Specifically,

Do not post in a disrespectful, defamatory, adversarial, baiting, harassing, offensive, insultingly sarcastic or otherwise improper manner, toward a member or other individual, including casting of suspicion upon a person, invasion of privacy, humiliation, demeaning criticism, name-calling, personal attack or in any way which violates the law.

Often, we throw around the word crazy, which can be hurtful to people who suffer from or suffer with a loved one who has a mental illness. Maybe the OP could clarify if she truly thinks her MIL has a disorder, or if she was just using hyperbole? It's always more productive to ask questions than to assume.

[Joyster]

I think you have to let it go, not so much for his sake or the family's sake, but for your own. It was awful what she did at your wedding, but you cannot let that continue to bother you. Forgiveness doesn't come easy for me, but once I do, it feels like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders and it's much better for me in the long run. I suspect it will be for you.

I wouldn't bring it up again for a good long while personally, what's done is done. If she is truly interested in pursuing a relationship, just let it grow gradually and carefully.

[dawningmama]

I do understand how you feel. It can be so hard, and often feel counter-intuitive, to let go of past injustices and move forward in the name of family harmony. I struggle with the same thing with my own ILs. My best advice is to do whatever works for you to let go and concentrate on the fact that you are doing so out of love for your husband. I need to do something really tangible---writing a letter getting all my anger out and then burning it, a sage cleansing, etc. Some physical act that removes the past hurts. And then I do my best to keep things really light (because having a more intimate relationship seems to burn me every time). Living several hundred miles away really helps. As does handing the phone to dh when I see their number show up on caller id.

[delightedbutterfly]

I agree with the poster that said figure out what your boundries are with your DH and then move forward from there.

Learn to bite your tounge, smile and nod and get caller id...

Then move forward. My MIL has said MANY MANY hurtful things to me and about me since DH and I have met. She's is lucky I talk to her. However as long as she is not abusive (well let's put this lightly) to my children then I would like to foster that relationship.

A few months ago she told DH that she hates me and yesterday she was offering to take me out to dinner on my birthday... (yes she has been diagnosed bipolar) but the main thing is I don't engage in it anymore. DH deals with his parents and we vent to each other after visits and then I let it go.

I won't forget the meanest and ugliest times she hurt me. And I think I would be silly to forget. But I have choosen to just deal with her on a superficial level and move forward. I haven't forgiven and I know I won't but I have chosen to move forward in life and that relationship.

It helps that DH is completely on my side (he never used to be).

So I would just move forward. If she brings it up find some nonconfrontational language to move forward and then remove yourself.

"I understand you were hurt as you felt you were being excluded. I am sorry you felt that way. However that was many moons ago so I would really like to focus on the here and now. I am thinking of painting fluffy clouds on the nursery/playroom ceiling, what do you think?"

[nhoutdoormama]

I'm so sorry you had to deal with all of this, and on your wedding day!

Relationships can be difficult at times. Period. It does not matter if they are with your partner, your own parents, IL's, friends.

Remember that your happiness is not contingent upon your MIL or anyone else behaving in a particular way. It sounds as if she has behaved inappropriately in the past, maybe for medical reasons, maybe not, and you will be the bigger person for finding forgiveness and moving forward. Of course, there should be clear boundaries, and I am a big advocate of open yet respectful communication (if that would be helpful). I have had to be very respectfully clear with my own family about what I will and will not tolerate for myself and my children. But I also try hard to remember that I have no control over how other people act, I only have control over myself. Choosing to not engage others in their unhealthy behavior has made a big difference for me. Perhaps more frequent visits but for a shorter duration would work? This has helped our family a lot.

It sounds as if this connection is a very important one to your DH, and I hope for everyone's sake you will be able to work through these issues and move forward. Take the time to process your feelings. Write about them, talk with a friend, and then move forward. I do not think you intended any slight, but the closeness a boy/man has with his parents is no less meaningful or significant than the closeness a girl/woman shares with hers ("the daughter she never had"). As a mother of 3 boys I am especially sensitive to this and to what I see as society's tendency, at times, to lessen this significance. My love for my children would be no more profound had they been girls.

My husband is not close at all with his parents, and this brings him enormous sadness. Especially now that he is a father. Not the kind he talks about often but the deep down kind, ya know?

Healing this relationship will be worth it, it seems. Especially for your husband as he moves forward as a father, and for your little babe. Good luck!

[scottishmommy]

Your husband should check out the book "If you had Controlling Parents" by Dan Neuharth. It's very hard for people to understand what it's like for adult children of overly controlling parents. A lot of people give advice like "She'll never change, just get over it", but if it's your mom or your MIL it's really hard to just get over it. People who have these issues are extremely manipulative. It's not just someone freaking out at a wedding. It's someone freaking out about anything, anytime in order to keep you guessing and begging for forgiveness. Classic control issues. Let her back into your life, but make sure there are some serious boundaries. But make sure that your dh works out these issues.

[Chicky2]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

Stop. She is not mentally ill. Mental illness is real, serious, and debilitating. She got upset before a wedding. It's normal. You've both been immature.

This, *IF* the MIL truly is not mentally ill.

I agree w/a pp who said that an apology should come from both sides since it's been so long.

Originally Posted by no5no5

It could easily be a personality disorder. My MIL certainly has one.

And *this* since we do not have enough information (yet).

I have an MIL with a mental disorder. I have a daughter with a disorder, part of it is mental. I wouldn't make light of the possibility that the MIL in ? could have a disorder. Esp. with the drug dependency. Methadone isn't exactly like taking a Tylenol, yk?

[SunshineJ]

Forgive but don't forget. What I mean by that is that it's ok to remember the incident and not look fondly on it. It's ok to remember that she can get unreasonable and proceed cautiously rather than being blindsided. But the bottom line is that the marriage did happen, with or without her delight in the event, and it has been two years. On the day before our wedding my in-laws (who I had met only once or twice) were cautioning DH that I was a "headstrong woman" and that "it's not too late to back out, you don't have to do this!". People lose all sense when it comes to weddings and do and say some of the most bizaare and irrational things! I would steer clear of any discussion of the event of the wedding, and if she brings it up, I would offer an apology of the type "I'm sorry that is the way you percieved things and that it upset you" and let it drop. Yes, from your description, on your wedding and in the years since she has acted like a UAV. That's not YOUR problem, don't make it yours by giving her to power to anger you over it. You'll have to deal with this woman one way or another for a good portion of your life, so I'd find a way to make peace with her and yourself over it if possible.

[*bejeweled*]

I have similar issues. I'm polite and keep them at a distance----big distance. When their number shows up on the caller id, I hand the phone over to DH.

He can have his relationships with them and I don't need to be a part of it. If they visit, I'm polite. I also don't talk badly about them in front of my DD. But deep down they KNOW not to F with me. I've had enough.

I wish you peace. I know it's hard, but believe me, you're not alone.

[snoopy5386]

Several years back we got into a huge fight with SMIL and FIL (well really SMIL) over something stupid that happened on Christmas. It was silly and just continued to escalate. It came out that they didn't like me and never had. Needless to say I was very hurt and so was DH. We didn't speak for around 2 years and we only started to again because of DD. The day my DH went to tell his Dad I was pregnant, SMIL called me after they had met and basically went off on me for 45 mins on the phone saying all kinds of nasty things.
Even after all that we were able to patch things up. They love DD and she loves them and so we see them. Things are still weird (his one stepsister still won't see or talk to us and this has caused some drama) but we get along for the most part and everything is on a very superficial level. It is better than nothing and hopefully things will continue to get better as time goes on. But DD deserves to have that relationship with her grandparents.

So my advice to you is to try.

[claddaghmom]

I disagree w/ the PP. That story does not sound right, nor does her continued distance.

My MIL, IMO acted really weird around the wedding but after we got through the transition, she became very loving and our relationship continued.

Finding some slight, and then acting that way not only through the entire ceremony, photos, etc but also continuing it for years seems really strange.

In the interest of continuing a family dynamic, I would be willing to just drop it, but at the same time, I would remain inwardly wary.