Big time MIL problems - LONG - Page 3

[4myfinn]

I think a few posters have been unnecessarily harsh on OP. This is not about flowers for the MIL. If it hadn't been the flowers it would have been something else. I don't think it's any coincidence that this happened at the moment you joined their family.

I also think a personality disorder may be to blame. My own father has Borderline Personality Disorder and is extremely erratic and controlling. Growing up in such a home has left me (and all 5 of my siblings) with our own host of issues. He has frequent "tantrums" (we call them) that he throws in order to control us. The situation with your MIL was SO something he would do.

This book really helped me: http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-E...6468460&sr=8-1

[Katielady]

Another book recommendation: Emotional Blackmail by Susan Forward.

http://www.amazon.com/Emotional-Blac.../dp/0060928972

[longtallanimal]

Thanks so much for all the support, everyone. Whenever this issue comes up, I have my own private freakout initially and I have to get all those feelings out before I can process everything positively and figure out how to proceed. All of this input has been invaluable and everyone sharing similar experiences certainly make me feel less alone in this situation. I know that people have all sorts of less than idea family situations, but I was raised in a family so normal, we are boring, so all of this is completely new to me.

Anyway, I have told DH that I will go with him to their house, out to dinner, whatever. We have to build back up with baby steps, and I think we'll probably meet the first couple of times somewhere neutral. It seems like that would be best for everyone.

Yesterday she called to confide in him about some new diagnosis she has been given, with the caveat that he not tell me or his brother what it is. I feel like this is just further manipulation, and her trying to get between DH & I, and DH & BIL. I sort of quietly pointed it out to him, and he agreed, but right now is trying to make this transition easy, so he kept his mouth shut and didn't tell me about the details. We will see where this all goes. Honestly at this point the least amount of involvement from me, the better.

[pauletoy]

OP, I just wanted to say that you are incredibly blessed to have a dh who has stood by your side and stood up for you to his mother. He has proven that his loyalty is with you. I have had a very rocky relationship with my ILs and it took years for my dh to stand up for me. I have seen lots of other threads where mamas were upset about dh not defending them.

Because your dh has demonstrated that he will protect you, I would allow him to take charge of reconciling with his mother. He has shown you that you can trust him with this relationship. If you are open to being around MIL again just keep things very light. Talk about surface subjects like the weather, baseball, etc. Take it slowly. The two of you can handle this together.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by 4myfinn

I also think a personality disorder may be to blame. My own father has Borderline Personality Disorder and is extremely erratic and controlling. Growing up in such a home has left me (and all 5 of my siblings) with our own host of issues. He has frequent "tantrums" (we call them) that he throws in order to control us. The situation with your MIL was SO something he would do.

My point is that behaviors like your father's aren't necessarily indicative of a personality disorder. The flip side is that I've been diagnosed with BPD, and I do not - and never have - thrown tantrums. In fact, tantrums do not have to be present for a BPD diagnosis. We're mostly harmful to ourselves - through self-injury (mostly cutting for women) or an inability to form relationships. We do not have to extend our disorder out to people around us. In fact, I appear very accommodating to most people, but in reality I isolate myself when I can't deal with people.

Looking at a single incident and saying "personality disorder" does a couple of things I think are dangerous. First, it perpetuates the myth that disagreement always means the other person has something wrong. Second, it further stigmatizes those of us with personality disorders who do not act this way (esp. if the amateur dx is wrong). Third, it allows the OP not to take any responsibility for the incident and aftermath. From the OP's description, she got along well with MIL until this single episode. The OP and her husband have to accept some responsibility for allowing this argument to fester for 2 years, but by assigning a disorder to MIL, it prohibits this family from moving forward.

[RiverTam]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

The flip side is that I've been diagnosed with BPD, and I do not - and never have - thrown tantrums. In fact, tantrums do not have to be present for a BPD diagnosis. We're mostly harmful to ourselves - through self-injury (mostly cutting for women) or an inability to form relationships. We do not have to extend our disorder out to people around us. In fact, I appear very accommodating to most people, but in reality I isolate myself when I can't deal with people.

Tantrums are EXTREMELY common for people with BPD. It may not fit your behavior pattern, but you are only one data point. Across the population of people with BPD, it's common.

I completely believe that it is more difficult for a person with BPD to deal with himself/herself than it is for family members to deal with him/her, or that people with BPD do significant damage to themselves. That said, people with BPD are very difficult to deal with and they do significant damage to others. Many therapists are reluctant to work with people with BPD because they are so damaging and difficult, even with their therapists.

BPD sounds like a very really possibility with this MIL because she's demonstrating some splitting. DIL was wonderful, until she failed to come down for coffee and then she was the devil. DH was wonderful, until someone else helped with the wedding flowers and then she was horrible.

That said, none of us can possibly know what is wrong MIL because we haven't done a diagnostic assessment with her.

It doesn't really matter, though. MIL is not OP's problem. She's the husband's problem. OP should be polite at family functions and avoid MIL like the plague at all other times. No one is required to have a close relationship with MIL. Politeness for the sake of one's husband and out of respect for him is a good idea, but I wouldn't go farther than that.

[St. Margaret]

I agree that this is not a fight about flowers. That was seriously over the top behavior on the part of the MIL, the day of a wedding! It sounds like you have been incredibly patient and mature about it all. And it's totally understandable that at this point you would have strong feelings of hurt, and if you never get them out and acknowledged, then yeah, they'll fester. It sounds like you did have a chance to clear the air, when she called that time to apologize, but it doesn't sound like it was truly a cathartic conversation. But you are very lucky to have DH stoutly by your side through all this. My ILs can be very unpredictable and dramatic and this has caused serious problems in our relationship (ILs and DH and me, not between DH and me), but DH has proven to me and to them that he's with me when it comes to this conflict, and that helps a LOT. I can relax about them and their wierdness because I know he'll never let himself get dragged into it (or the we-hate-St.M parade they feel obligated to have once every year or two, before getting all nicey-nicey and aren't you aMAZing again. Like I said, wierd.)

Just wanted to say based on closely reading your posts, you sound like an angel, and your MIL should be glad she has such a kind DIL.