Advice please on where to go from here

[littlecappy2010]

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[Annie Mac]

Hmm...where to start? Let's start with the "evading his father" issue. Frankly, it seems *he* is evading *you." It's not like this is some guy who's in court trying to sort out custody issues to ensure he doesn't lose contact with his child. Honestly, from the way you describe it, it sounds to me like if you were to drop the ball and simply not contact him, chances are you wouldn't ever have to talk to him again.

As for crossing the state line...I'm no lawyer (so people feel free to correct me if I'm wrong) this is only an issue where there's either a court order saying you can't, or the non-custodial parent makes a big fuss about it. Again, it doesn't sound like you're at risk for either scenario.

My bottom line advice for you is to take care of yourself and your baby, and leave this guy behind. If he wants to see his son, he'll take steps to see him. So if moving into this housing and taking advantage of their programs, regardless of where it is, is going to help you and your son, go for it. Don't worry about that guy...he doesn't seem too worried about you.

Wanna a funny, related story? When I was a teenager, I had a baby with a man a lot like the one you describe. He made it abundantly clear both verbally and via his actions that he didn't care one iota about me or his daughter. I couldn't quite accept this. Didn't understand it. I kept the door open for him all throughout my daughter's life (she's an adult now, and can make her own decisions regarding her father), because I didn't want to seem like I was obstructing access. This is a guy who didn't show up for her birth, for the custody/child support hearing, Christmas, birthdays, only paid child support when the gov't threatened to seize his assets and his drivers license (and that only for a few years), etc etc. You get the picture. 18 years or so goes by, and Facebook shows up in the world. He was on my FB friends list, until the day he arbitrarily deleted me and blocked me. I had barely spoken to him, except to say Happy birthday and the odd bit of inane FB chatter, so can't imagine I offended him in any way. Anyway, I was hurt! Couldn't understand why he would do that! For weeks I brought it up with friends, asked their opinions, wondered why he had done such a thing...until the day I just had to laugh, and realize that he, in fact, had deleted and blocked me years and years ago in real life! It took Facebook to make me realize this! Now, I realize he did me a favour. I don't have to talk to him, or know anything about him anymore. And the truth is, I never had to, and could have saved myself much grief had I realized that sooner.

[robinchap1]

Is there any way you can get some free legal advice somewhere? Legal aid or something?

I would really really think that moving to that kind of place would make you look GOOD. You are reaching out, getting needed help for you and your children, the kind of help that will make it possible for you to eventually be independent and able to support yourself and your children. It sounds like a great opportunity. Any guy that wanted you to pass that up (not that I think you should tell him, I agree with the PP) is clearly not looking out for the best interest of his child. It is in the best interest of any child for BOTH parents to be well and healthy and able to support them.

I *think* if there is no custody agreement in place, you can take the child wherever you want. In general running might make you look bad. But a state line is so arbitrary. You said it's only 1/2 hour from where you live now. You could probably go much farther and stay in the state and this could easily be pointed out to a judge. You are going where you can get the resources you need. A judge isn't going to hand over custody to someone who refuses to pay child support because he claims to be able to support the child better than you. You have a plan. He has a tax return saying he doesn't even make enough to pay a years worth of rent.

Again, however, I am not a lawyer.

Very best of luck to you. And keep us posted. You are so strong... your babe is so tiny. I barely knew which end was up at that point (and my babe wasn't sick) and here you are taking charge and finding what you need. Good for you!!! Hugs.

[littlecappy2010]

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[Theia]

I was in a similar place last year when I chose homelessness over an abusive relationship. This place was a transitional housing program. There were people with addiction issues, but also people who were leaving abuse, etc. My case worker said that in this place, the judges in that county were usually very supportive of a parent if they were in such a place seeking help for addictions, depression or even chronic homelessness. I would think that any reasonable judge would rather see a struggling parent reach out for assistance to get them through a really rough time. It's not like you are going to be couch surfing or sleeping in a car. You are going to be in a place that offers you safety and assistance.

I may have already posted about this with you, but I was in the THP for 7 months. When I left I had made my way onto the top of 2 separate housing assistance programs and I actually had some choice in where we live. The THP provided me weekly counseling, and I had to take a parenting class.

I don't know the legal implications, but I would take it. If you find out that there are legal issues (crossing state lines for example) I am sure your case worker within that organization will assist you with where to go for help with them. And if you have to leave to go back across state lines, then you can cross that bridge later, to get cliche and literal.

Don't let your DS's father bully you and threaten you. I'd leave it to him to contact you so that when you are in a stable place to file for legal custody, he will have already shown his intentions. Just keep logging every interaction.

Good luck with this.

[littlecappy2010]

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[littlecappy2010]

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[Halfasianmomma]

The certified letter does sound like a good idea; this way you're covered AND you can take advantage of the housing opportunity.

I do hope you're able to speak with legal aid and get a "professional" opinion on all this stuff.

[Theia]

Originally Posted by littlecappy2010

I should also mention that I am 9 years older than him. Not a mistake that I will make again, if I ever want to date.

I did the same thing. DD's father is 8 years younger.

I think the certified letter is a good idea. You can make it clear in the letter that you are still willing to provide him contact with his DS and that you hope to soon be able to provide him with a direct contact number and address.

Maybe once you are in the housing program, you can provide him the message number for where you are staying. If it is like where I was, he can call and leave messages for you, and there is a phone you can use to make free calls. The place I was in had a message board where staff would write down the message and leave it folded with your name on it.

I hope you are able to get into housing and do the legal aid thing both. I understand why you want to protect yourself and do things right.

[littlecappy2010]

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