teen/preteen adoption

[junipermoon]

any success stories?

I must admit, I have been thinking about it...wondering if anyone had any experience with it.

[onewayoranother]

We go back & forth on this. I'd like to adopt teens but DH thinks we are too young. We have started looking at a broader age range in a sibling group.

DH was adopted @ 16 by his mom and there is 13 years between them. It has definately created some challenges in defining their roles but he wouldn't change it for the world.

[junipermoon]

I just feel like we have some things we could offer a teen or teens--age range, maybe 10-17, but probably leaning towards the older ages? I don't know. I am torn about it.

it would be out of age order for us. our children are 1, 9, and almost
14. people say not to do this. but in our situation, our children are always attended, because of some issues my oldest has, so I wonder if some of the stressors involved in out of age order adoption we might already have accomodated for. safety is not an issue unless the child were acting out violently with the parent around and in line of sight, and if that were the case the placement would disrupt, anyway, regardless of age order.

I do understand that one thing w/age order is that it gives the newly adopted child a chance to be a baby--but does this apply to a teen? particularly if the child is about to age out of the system without an adoptive family?

Does anyone know what the parameters for having bio babies in the context of having just adopted might look like? I am not sure that I am done having bio children--I have one and I am 32, we might have another bio baby at some point in the next 4-ish years.

My older two boys are adopted bio siblings, and they joined the family at 5 and not yet 1. It was seven years after they came home before I got pregnant, and the pregnancy wasn't planned--my h and I were going to wait for another, gosh, 2 years. I was barely ready at the time of the new baby but we accomodated and it worked well. I love having a young one in the house and might want another.

So I am wondering if I am being unrealistic to think a teen adoption might stabilize in just a year or two, clearing the way for a new baby.

The adoptions of my older two boys have been so successful and I am so grateful to have them. And for sure my husband and I each have unique strengths and talents that make us good at parenting in the context of attachment issues. It just feels right to adopt again.

I am not having much luck finding resources about teen adoption on the net.

one thing I am a little worried about--many teens are into bling, and, we have none. we have a barn and a farmhouse and one bathroom. my h is a neuro professor and I am in grad school for psychology, so we are educated and could enrich a teen, but, not so much on the bling. do you think that is a huge strike against us right off the bat in the kid's eyes?

open to suggestions...

[junipermoon]

reading tonight on adoption.com (wow, mdc adoption forum rocks) I find not too many (actually not any) teen adoption success stories.

many stories about false allegations. this could be a problem for us bc we both need clean records in our work, h and I.

and to be honest, my rad 14 yo, from about 6-8, used to beat on the walls screaming for the neighbors to please call 911, and, he actually did call 911 one night because there was no dessert after dinner. i don't miss that, it was sooo scary. i mean, i can't even express how scary it was. and he never made any allegations formally. he once at school said we had no heat (completely untrue) and he could not grasp a pencil, cause his fingers were cold, so, couldn't do homework, but, that was about homework and the school didn't file. they were so compassionate (...we, um, heard about your difficult heat situation...).

it would be much harder with an older child who was more sophisticated, if they were a false allegator. i could easily see my h developing an anxiety disorder!

but then, is what I read on adoption.com even representative?

i am reading only horror stories about people who are afraid of their teens and hope they stay in rtc until they aren't minors anymore, that kind of thing.

come on mdc...nobody has a success story?

[queenjane]

I think people who have "horror stories" tend to spend more time in adoption support groups online than people who have uneventful boring stories yknow?

I would love to adopt a teen, i am really drawn to those i see on photolistings, and many of those kids really want to be adopted, and know what it means to have a family or NOT have one. Some videos i've seen have made me want to cry. There was one boy i thought was particularly wonderful, and he was adopted. Later, i found a documentary online, and he was one of the featured kids...he was adopted by a white family out in the middle of cow country Michigan, he literally moved to a farm, and he couldnt have been happier. He seemed really well adjusted. Another teen they profiled, who had asked his substitute bus driver to adopt him (and the single guy followed up, mentored him for a year, and then DID adopt him...amazing!) ended up in an RTC after some behavior issues, but his family is trying to stick with him.

So...i think it just depends. I think there HAS to be loads of kids out there that arent a danger, dont have mental illness or severe attachment issues...they really just need a place to call home. The key is finding one of those kids, and i think it probably helps if you have a great social worker who will not gloss over things and who wants to make an appropriate match.

[mariaz]

We have a teen who is not adopted but was in foster with us for a few months and now spends one - five days a week at our house (She comes over when she doesn't feel like being at home).

She is great with our kids and things have worked out very well for us.

This is very different from adopting (obviously) as we have no say in her parenting at home. I can't force her to apply for colleges and be motivated in ways that I would if she was at home with us full time. But as far as relationship goes our family is definitely better for having her as part of it.

I also have good friends with a long term, teen foster placement. They have a 4 year old bio and an infant foster child as well. Their teen has smoothly transitioned into life with their family and they haven't had any real struggles with his attachment to them as parents or the other kids as siblings.

[junipermoon]

Originally Posted by queenjane

I think people who have "horror stories" tend to spend more time in adoption support groups online than people who have uneventful boring stories yknow?

I would love to adopt a teen, i am really drawn to those i see on photolistings, and many of those kids really want to be adopted, and know what it means to have a family or NOT have one. Some videos i've seen have made me want to cry. There was one boy i thought was particularly wonderful, and he was adopted. Later, i found a documentary online, and he was one of the featured kids...he was adopted by a white family out in the middle of cow country Michigan, he literally moved to a farm, and he couldnt have been happier. He seemed really well adjusted. Another teen they profiled, who had asked his substitute bus driver to adopt him (and the single guy followed up, mentored him for a year, and then DID adopt him...amazing!) ended up in an RTC after some behavior issues, but his family is trying to stick with him.

So...i think it just depends. I think there HAS to be loads of kids out there that arent a danger, dont have mental illness or severe attachment issues...they really just need a place to call home. The key is finding one of those kids, and i think it probably helps if you have a great social worker who will not gloss over things and who wants to make an appropriate match.

I think you might be right about the adoption.com horror stories thing.

That is amazing that you followed the story of a child from adoption photolistings to documentary.

I am wondering if it might make sense for me to start volunteering in the system in some way. This way I could help and if the right "match" came around, so be it, we could do a slow transition, otherwise, no worries, no false allegations, and I still get to offer some of my energy to teens in foster care.

My h and I are actually talking about putting together some kind of low key, small basketball/brain science/book share across continents enrichment program for elementary/middle school underserved african american youth, in affiliation with the university where he works. holistic moving/learning theme. idea being that as an afterschool activity, we and college student and/or community volunteers could do campus based recreation with the kids, learn in the lab with the scopes and other fancy science stuff, and have the kids doing skype and other internet interfacing with another school, somewhere underserved, in subsaharan africa--doing information and idea exchange. we can get the kids involved in helping us assemble books and technology care packages for the school, etc. if we secure a little funding and send laptops and digital cameras and stuff, and our kids also have access to these things, they can share a lot of great pictures and ideas with each other.

i wonder if this could be a program exclusively for children in custody? hadn't thought of that until today. wonder what that would look like? also wonder, who monitors us for cultural competence? this we've already been thinking about. it seems we would need to bring in a competency consultant or two for advice.

but I think it could be a good way to help in our communities local and global. am I being totally off the wall to think that this program could work as something exclusively for children in custody?

[junipermoon]

Originally Posted by mariaz

We have a teen who is not adopted but was in foster with us for a few months and now spends one - five days a week at our house (She comes over when she doesn't feel like being at home).

She is great with our kids and things have worked out very well for us.

This is very different from adopting (obviously) as we have no say in her parenting at home. I can't force her to apply for colleges and be motivated in ways that I would if she was at home with us full time. But as far as relationship goes our family is definitely better for having her as part of it.

I also have good friends with a long term, teen foster placement. They have a 4 year old bio and an infant foster child as well. Their teen has smoothly transitioned into life with their family and they haven't had any real struggles with his attachment to them as parents or the other kids as siblings.

wow that is great that you have this relationship with your foster daughter.

heartening to hear about your friends and their good experience.

this is just what I was hoping to hear! thank you for sharing.

[mamadebug]

I know of a family with a long term teen foster placement and it has worked out beautifully for them. Both of the parents work in a field that gave them a lot of exposure to teens, and one of the parents had known this kid for a while before finding out that this teen was not going to be living at home and would be entering foster care. This teenager has been in their home for 2+ years now, and is a really great kid. They have much younger bio children, and it has all worked out really well.

[pumpkingirl71]

I hate to be a naysayer, but with a child who already needs so much attention, I think it could be a lot worse to adopt out of birth order. And of course, it could be fine. That is the problem with adoption. I guess the question is do you feel ready to put that much stress on your family?

[mamarhu]

My success stories are 30-40 years old, and my viewpoint is that of a sibling.

My mom fostered teen girls when I was 12-16 or so. We adopted 4, and I cannot measure how this has enriched my life. I have a sister who is black and speaks Creole, another who is Polish, but lives in Spain (I visited her a couple times when she lived in England, but never in Spain yet). Another sister works as an International Observer of elections, and is a world authority on women's issues re: voting in developing countries. The 4th sister, my favorite, but don't tell, had a rough time, was drug addicted and a prostitute, but today has her degree and is a probation officer (yay, sis!).

My Mom is dying now, and my brother (bio) and 2 sisters have been here to say goodbye. Our bond is as rich as any siblings.

The one thing I would say, from my experience adding pre-teens to the family, is that it is interesting to parent a child who already comes with a life of experiences and history. Not all are bad, either. We drive by a pizza place, and my daughter tells all about the cousin's birthday party they held there. It's a little eerie.

The other thing is that acceptance can be more complex than with bios. Teens in care have generally seen facets of life I hope my little ones never see. They likely would come complete with beliefs, habits, and even mannerisms that don't mesh with the family.

I also would like to adopt a teen if I were to add to my family. My little ones are highly sexually reactive, and I especially would not trust them with a smaller, weaker sibling.

The bling thing is hard. My 9YO especially, visits her mother, and comes home wanting (or having received!) clothes of a style I would never buy, an IPOD, fake jewelery, etc. It is different with a 9YO - I am not sure I could handle it so well with a teen. I think I would allow a teen to get a job if she wanted to buy things I wouldn't choose. And hope in the long run, some of my values wear off on her.

I totally understand the reasons behind the birth order suggestions. But like all generalizations, they don't always apply.

[CrunchyChristianMama]

I don't have any personal experience with doing this, but I do have a good friend who spent her teen years in the foster care system being bounced from house to house until she aged out.  She was handed her check and sent off on her own with zero life skills.  She didn't even know how to go grocery shopping because she had never been taken to a grocery store.  She was abused by her bio family and step-mom and acted out a lot because of the hurt she was experiencing. 

She was desperate for a family to just stick with her and show her that she was worth loving. 

She finally had a mentor in college who invested in her and she's now an amazing wife and mother.

I love hearing stories of families opening their homes to teenagers.

[leahcar]

Our daughter is 10 and came to us a year ago.  She was in foster care for 5 years prior to us and had about 13 placements.   It is not always easy (okay, it usually isn't easy!), but we're having a wonderful experience.    It's a fun age and she is willing to trust, love and heal.  The challenge I'm finding right now is knowing what mood swings, attitude, etc. are brought on by trauma/attachment issues and what are plain ol tween hormones!   I blog about our journey at www.lastmom.blogspot.com and have lots of resources listed there.

[marsupial-mom]

I don't have experience with older children or teens. My advice is to get as informed as possible and to make friends with others in a similar situation.

My DH and I have talked about fostering teens in the future. We think we might do it, but not any time soon.

[4everfostered]

This is from an immense amount of experience if your family chooses to adopt a teenager you must get to know them very well and they will tell you if they have problems with being around bio kids or not. i know teens who use the time after their adoption to receive the attention they had not when children. this kind of child probably would not fit into your family. You must give 200% of yourself and if you can do that then so be it. It can be done though. Children like myself who have multiple siblings and have lived with them can usually find where we belong in a family with multiple members. You cannot make such a decision based on one or two people you have to set out and meet the children and see who is right for you. But beware, on occasion a dyfs worker may leave out facts about children b/c they really want them to find a home. Though they believe they are helping the child this could be detrimental to said child and family.. if you have specific questions you can email me @ [e-mail]