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When should I tell the father to be?

post #1 of 41
Thread Starter 
When I do there will be complications. It's all ready not going to be easy telling him since we really don't share a language but I have a friend who will help with that part otherwise it will come out wrong with my limited Spanish and help from babblefish!

We were together a very short time and when I told him a few weeks that I might be pregnant (by text, then he called me) he yelled at me saying it was not possible and that he was going to be married in 3 days and was moving out of town and to get the test right now and tell him before that weekend.

So that's my situation. I all ready have some ideas on how I'll be telling him,but when should I tell him?
post #2 of 41
Make sure not to do anything cutesy because obviously that probably will not get a good reaction if hes already married to someone else...

As for when you should, sometime before the birth would be good. It kinda sucks to get a call from an 18 year old saying that they are your child.

As for WHEN before the birth, that's really up to you. Personally, since you are only 11 weeks or so, I would wait to tell him until a bit further along (not because of risk of loss... but rather wait until you are actually showing so he doesn't think you are some psychotic woman trying to get money from him or something. Some women do that. And its not cool.)

If he insists that its not his child... then all you have to do is get a court ordered paternity test (if you insist on having him as the child's legal father) or just go about your merry little way as a single mother with no fathers name on the birth certificate. (if this is the case I strongly STRONGLY urge you to make legal provisions for your child if something were to happen to you)
post #3 of 41
um now?

if you don't really want him to be involved at all, it's maybe not as crucial, but if you are expecting anything from him in the way of support, financial or whatever, you need to tell him, like, yesterday! obviously, a guy who's sleeping around prior to getting married to someone else doesn't deserve a whole lot of consideration, but if you are going to have any expectations from him at all, he needs to have this information as soon as possible so he can decide whether or not he wants to comply with your wishes. regardless of if you plan to involve him in your child's life at all, everyone deserves to know what you are doing with their genetic material.

so again, what are you waiting for?
post #4 of 41
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by SilverFish View Post
um now?

so again, what are you waiting for?
Ouchie! I only found out yesterday! So I need a little time adjust and also I have no words to tell him with! I know that I need to have my friend help me write down what to say or actually be the one to tell him,with me in the room and on speaker phone of course. If I don't then we will both end up frustrated and angry with one another and he will yell at me and I will cry and I won't be able to clearly tell him what I'm expecting from him. Yes, we can manage to chat and have a decent conversation BUT on the phone it's so hard b/c we can't use any body language or babblephish. Something this important though I need to be %100 sure that he understands everything that I'm telling him.
post #5 of 41
I guess it depends on what you are asking of him. If you're asking him to assume some responsibilities and he can't understand the language, perhaps it would be best to have something written that you can send him so as to make things clear?
post #6 of 41
Thread Starter 
If we were still together I'd totally have fun with coming with a cute and clever way to tell him! I don't think that would be to appropriate in this situation though. So a more serious and matter of fact way is how I've chosen to to do it.

Some people may not agree to my plan so far and I'm willing to hear any suggestions. (the plan comes later in the post)

The pregnancy doesn't feel real to me yet. Yes,the nausea was VERY real and the sore boobies are very real and the cute little belly is real,but how big I think it is could be just be my head telling me it is. lol A nurse called me to tell me the test was positive 3 days after I took it (weekend) and she's arranged some appt. fr me that I wrote down. I'm sure she wasn't doing it as a joke and I'm sure she got the right person,but I still kinda don't believe it.

I'd like to tell him soon but not this early. I guess I'm wanting to wait a little bit longer so it actually feels more real and also until I'm in a less risky phase. Last time we talked I said I wouldn't contact him again unless there was a baby and wished him well with his marriage. I wouldn't want to tell him about the baby and cause a lot of issues for him and then a few days later tell him nope,sorry change of plans. I feel like I'd be playing games with him if I did.

I know that he won't believe me. He honestly does not understand that a child could have been made from what we did. It's true. I told him last time we talked I had no issues with a pat test.

I was shocked when he said he'd be getting married to the mother of his child since he said they broke up before his daughter was born and also before he even knew about the baby. She called him a month later to tell him. I've never heard him say a nice thing about her at all. He did talk about getting a lawyer for a pat. test though and how she refused to get it done and all she wanted was money money money. I don't think they were together when we were. These things aren't of my concern so I won't ask. I mean I did ask if he'd cheated on her to be with me and he said no he hadn't and I do believe him.

So my plan so far on HOW to tell him. Since he did get the text/telephone convo that I might be pregnant a few weeks ago (I was in denial for some time totally thinking it was something else and it was valid to think that for a while) I feel he had a "warning" that I may be contacting him again. I thought to write it in a letter and send it to the last address I have for him and send it by registered mail. Last time we spoke he said he is moving out of town (his mother is still at the same place though) and would change all his numbers.e-mail,facebook etc... I haven't checked to see if the cell number I have for him is still valid. His facebook account is still there,but the name on it has changed. ending something via registered mail assures someone must sign for it. His mother will forward it to him or open and read it to him maybe. This is IF he even moved and got married. he may have just said that to me cuz he thought it was the only way to have me not call him again. I don't know.

A letter sounds very cold I know. A phone call would be better,but that would involve my friend who actually speaks Spanish to call him and that may cause some issues for the Papi to be. My friend is male,but just a friend and offered to call him if that's what I wanted.

I'd call and ask if he could meet me for a coffee somewhere and chat but I'm sure he'd say no and it would cause some frustration as to why I called to ask him to meet and I'd end up telling him on the phone anyway.

I just want to very simply say that I got the test results back and they are positive and my baby will be due in September. I understand that he does not believe the baby to be his and that I am more then willing to have a pat. test done after the baby is here. I'd love to give my baby the best that I can and hope that he and I can build a friendship so that he can help me give my baby the things I want in life and to ensure that my baby is taught his language and culture and that he or she can have a relationship with the sister and rest of his Papis family.
post #7 of 41
I know a letter seems cold, but it really seems like your best bet here. It gives you time to compose it and translate it properly, it gives him some privacy with his first reaction, and it's a tangible, real thing, a thing he can hold and see and reread.
post #8 of 41
Originally Posted by missmich View Post
Ouchie! I only found out yesterday! So I need a little time adjust and also I have no words to tell him with! I know that I need to have my friend help me write down what to say or actually be the one to tell him,with me in the room and on speaker phone of course. If I don't then we will both end up frustrated and angry with one another and he will yell at me and I will cry and I won't be able to clearly tell him what I'm expecting from him. Yes, we can manage to chat and have a decent conversation BUT on the phone it's so hard b/c we can't use any body language or babblephish. Something this important though I need to be %100 sure that he understands everything that I'm telling him.
i apologize. i got the idea from your first post that you'd known about it for a while. sorry about that. anyway, i still think you will be doing the right thing by telling him as soon as it is feasibly possible, even if it does end in miscarriage or something. the more time you have to sort out all the multitude of issues that come along with an unexpected baby, the better. since you don't want to just tell him and move on with your life, you might be better off with the double-header approach. call him and see if he will meet you (have the friend with you on the phone to translate and clarify if necessary)... if he will, type the information in a letter and give it to him at the meeting, as well as having a face to face conversation (and i still think it's better to have a friend there for translation and support). if he refuses to meet or believe what you are telling him, send him the information by registered mail to his last known address. if you end up telling him on the phone, i think that's fine, as long as it is later confirmed in writing or in person.

by the sounds of it, he may not be very interested in being involved with you or the baby. that's another reason for telling him as soon as you can. the more time you give him to process, the more likely he is to cooperate, and if down the road it turns out you need to use the courts, it's in your favour to have established contact early on.
post #9 of 41
Thread Starter 
Oh good! I'm so glad that I'm finding people that understand why I thought of the letter.

It's ok SilverFish I think that most women would know by 11 weeks but since I really did blame something else for the nausea and then went into denial I really didn't.

Maybe I will try to ask for a meeting,but from what he tells me he has moved out of town. I could always call to check if his number is still valid and if he answers then ask to meet to chat over a coffee. I'm pretty sure he'll guess right away why I'm asking to meet. Then I'd have to hand the phone to my friend to relay what I want to tell him.

Actually no,on second thought calling and asking for a meeting may not work. If I send a text or call he will insist on me telling him and yes I could go ahead and tell him,well have the friend do it. Then he may call and call and call me again for days until agree to talk him over the phone. I'm afraid with the letter even that he may start to call and call and call and it will cause me major stress. Talking to him over the phone is not easy at all.

Maybe I could have the friend call and tell him that I'd like to meet him and talk. That way there is no language barrier there and he can ask my friend why and he can either explain or not,but then Papi will get mad at him too and then call me.

Last time we talked on the phone he got angry and yelled at me. He said I was "bad and crazy" in Spanish. I don't want to risk that again,but even with the letter he may resort to that anyway.

I think or at least I fear that he is going to phone me and call me bad and crazy no matter what way or when I tell him I know that in the end once the pat. test results are in he will calm down and pay. At least that something we sorta talked about once when we were still together. I know that his daughter wasn't planned and that's why I asked "what if" when we together. He kinda freaked out a bit and said "nooo.... no way we use condoms and you take the pill so there is no chance,no accident". See,he really does NOT believe that he could have made a baby with me.
post #10 of 41
If I may, before you contact him, you may want to chat with a lawyer about your rights and responsibilities, as well as his. I hate to always assume the worst of people, but your first priorities are to protect yourself and your child. The ladies in the Single Parents forum here might have some good suggestions for you as far as both dealing with fathers that don't want to be involved, as well as those who do. And they might give you some things to think over about how to approach the issue with him, about how to figure out what you expect from him, and some of the finer points regarding child support and custody arrangements/ rights. If I were you, I'd post about your current dilemma there, as well as ask what the women there wish they would have known when they were starting out as single parents.

That said, I am a little concerned that he yelled at you and said you are "bad and crazy" when you contacted him to mention that you might be pregnant. It takes two to create a baby and he doesn't get to put all the blame on you. And what you said about his reaction makes me wonder if he is either verbally or physically abusive (or if he is likely to become so).
post #11 of 41
Thread Starter 
Ok,yeah good idea to post this in Single Parents as well.

So today I did contact another x bf of mine to tell him the good news and to get some advice since they are from the same country and share a culture. They are both from Peru and I needed some insight from him on the best way to approach the Papi. Now I really hope no one thinks anything about me having issues with Peruvians or anything...obviously I like them (I've just had people as of late assume I have issues with certain ethnic backgrounds just cuz I mention it,it's mentioned for a reason)

Anyway this other x who I will call Rock Star, wasn't the best bf and it was short lived cuz I caught him a big lie that he admitted to and said sorry about and we managed to have an MSN friendship for a bit til I stopped that over a month ago. He was quite surprised to hear from me but very happy cuz he really wanted us to be friends. He actually lives in the states. I told him I was pregnant and about my story with Papi and he gave me a lot of advice and told me a little more about the culture and what to watch for and how to prepare myself when I do tell him. He actually warned me about the machismo attitude some men from Peru have and advised to have a friend with me. He also told me I was still very pretty and said that I looked very happy about my baby! Then he played guitar and sang for me...see there is a reason I call him Rock Star! He was not a good bf but I do enjoy our msn chats very much!
post #12 of 41
Hugs... It sounds like an awkward situation to be in (to say the least!), but it's awesome you're so positive and extra awesome you're committed to helping your baby stay attached to his or her cultural heritage!

Did yu say the baby's father is getting married in a couple of days? If so, mightn't it be better to tell him sooner rather than later - before the wedding - in case his bride-to-be changes her mind after hearing the news? In her position I think I'd like to find that out before rather than after "till death do us part", you know?
post #13 of 41
Mama, good luck and I second that you should let him know in a way in which you are sure to be protected. He sounds very macho and kinda scary from what you have said. I just would err on the side of safety in case he feels you are threatening his lifestyle. I wouldn't want you to put yourself in an unsafe situation.
post #14 of 41
ASAP would be best.
post #15 of 41
Just putting this out there, but if the guy IS abusive or scary, and you aren't likely to get much support (financial, emotional, or otherwise) from him, then why tell? I mean, yes, eventually he has a right to know (as will your child), but if it's going to cause a lot of stress, drama, etc., then is now the best time? Do what's best for your child and you, and take his past behavior & predicted future behavior into account.
post #16 of 41
Hugs !! I am really hoping and praying for a fairy tale ending when you do tell him . But be strong and do take care of yourself..
post #17 of 41
Thread Starter 
I think he's all ready married to her. We last spoke about 4 weeks ago and he said "I'm getting married this weekend". She's the mother of his daughter. I have a feeling that he only reason he married her was to be able to be with his daughter since there were some issues with that,child support and visitation b/c she didn't want to do a pat. test and he'd gotten a lawyer involved. I was pretty surprised to hear his news,but I can't really ask him the details. All I could do was wish him well.

You know he told me he was going to delete his facebook and his Tagged account and change all his e-mail and cell numbers etc... when he got married so he could have a fresh start,but I see that he still has the facebook,just changed the name a little bit and he still has the tagged account and he was last active on it 20 hours ago. I also do not see the mother of the baby on his facebook page,now I don't know her name,just her last name and maybe she doesn't have facebook or is just not on his friends list. His page is set to private so I can't get any info. I'm wondering if he did get married to her or if it was something he told me.

Ideally I'd like to tell him within the next 2 weeks. I'm hoping that he hears the news and says "OK I don't believe this,but I will patiently wait until the baby is born to get a pat. test" in my fairytale he says to me "Really? wow ok then do you need anything? I'll help you out a little during the pregnancy,but if the pat. test says the baby is not mine then I won't help anymore and if the baby is mine I will help as much as I can" and then we hug and smile at one another and I let him touch the belly! Like I said that's what I'd like and what I'm going to get is a totally different thing and something beyond my control though IF he does become abusive I can put a stop to that. I'm trying to visualize it going smoothly in a more realistic way so hopefully this helps me make that happen.

When the test results come back then he will pay me child support and love the baby,at least that is what he said when I asked what he'd do if a baby was ever made. We were still together at the time though,but from how he talks of his daughter and how happy he looks in the pictures with her I do and how sad he sounded when he wasn't allowed to see (cuz he was asking for a pat. test before giving any more money) I do think that in the end he will come through for the baby. The main thing is that he really does NOT understand that YES a baby can be made even if condoms are used and even if the pill has been started. He's 29 years old and I don't feel I should be the one to have to educate him about this and where he comes from sex ed. is very lacking so he may very well believe that it is not possible. I think it's a bit of that and a bit of being in denial and not wanting to believe it cuz he doesn't want to be in the situation.

About making sure my baby has his or culture,well that is super important to me. I grew up with no culture at all and didn't even know my grandmother,dad's mom was born in Russia until well after she'd died and I saw the info on her funeral thing. I feel totally ripped off by my own mother for not teaching me any French. She grew up in a small French speaking village in Alberta and I grew up in BC,but she still could have taught me at home and I'd be better for it. It would sure help now since I somehow made it to Quebec and now call it home! lol I feel that since I'm going to be a poor mama and won't be able to give my baby a lot of material things that I'd better be giving them their culture. It's free and such a wonderful things to have. I can read about the country and the culture and try to cook a few dishes from there but it won't be the same as getting it from his or her Peruvian family. I'll buy Spanish books and toys and try to teach them a little Spanish but at the moment my Spanish is so awful! lol
post #18 of 41
Just one other thing to throw out there - if you send a registered letter to your X, this could bring up a LOT of issues if he actually got married. That is, when my DH gets a registered letter, I either have to sign for it, since he's at work, or we get a note from the post office saying they are holding it, and we have to take a special trip to the Post Office. That brings a LOT of attention to the letter.

In some ways, I figure whether or not his wife finds out is his own problem, but at the same time, if you want to try to have friendly relations with your X for the sake of your child, you should try to be sensitive to the fact that he's going to want to tell his wife in his own timing.

So, I think ideally you could set up a person-person meeting (with your friend for support) and hand deliver a letter he can see and hold. Less ideally, give him a call, and let him know he has a registered letter coming. Maybe even include a copy of the pregnancy test so he knows you're not having him on.

And great advice to post in the single moms forum to get some legal insight. Quite frankly, you already warned him you might be pregnant as a result of your relationship with him. If he wanted to know right now, he could have contacted you. So, give yourself a reasonable amount of time to approach this situation, and have your and your baby's rights protected!

And congratulations, mama!!!!!
post #19 of 41
I have nothing to add beyond: Good luck. This sounds like a tough situation, and I wish your the best.
post #20 of 41
Thread Starter 
I'm pretty sure that if I call and ask to meet in person he will insist on knowing why. Talking to him over the phone is not easy at all. My Spanish is bad and so is his English and any convo that we have ever had on the phone leads to misunderstandings! When were together they were very funny,but with this they won't be. I'll end up telling him and it will come out all wrong and jumbled up.

Also,if he did indeed get married then he has moved out of town. So meeting for a quick coffee after work wouldn't be possible. The address I'd send the letter to would be where he lived with his mother. I assume his mother would sign for it and call him to tell him he had a letter,she will either save it for when he comes to visit her,if he does this or she will mail it to him or she will open it and read it to him on the phone. Hey,if she did that then at least I wouldn't have to tell her also!

I don't see an easy way to do this no matter what plan I come up with. In the end I know I want to build a friendship with him and it's ideal to start this now before baby arrives even if he doesn't offer me any monetary support until after the pat. test is done we could still chat on MSN and start to make a friendship. I'd like to be able to be friends or at least friendly with his wife since she will be part of my babys life as well and she will have a lot of say when it comes to the big sister seeing my baby. She speaks French and I'm not sure how her English is or if she speaks Spanish.

How much more complicated can this get? lol
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