is this "normal" 6 year old behavior?

[queen b]

I look after my friends two children after school. My dd is bff with her dd (they're both 4) and she has a 6 year old boy. I know that my friend and her dh aren't very strict and don't have much follow through with their kids. Her ds and dd were trying to walk all over me when I first started the after school care and were also bullying my dd (hitting, pushing, name calling, etc). I nipped it in the bud right away and am a bit more strict than their parents (i.e., i mean what i say and expect to be respected). Anyway, this six year old can be super moody and really mean! For example, we were having a great time today taking photographs, playing dress up, and just mellowing out. The boy started playing his drum kit really loudly where the girls were trying to do something else so I told him that it was too loud but that I would help him move it to another room. So he got really upset and said I wasn't the boss of him (his favorite line) and so I told him his choice was to move it or I would take the sticks. Anyway, he got really upset and started screaming at me that he hates me and that I'm stupid and weird and ugly. Then he and my dd got into an altercation over a toy and he i ultimately sided with him, but she was crying. when i left the room i heard him tell her he would bash her head in and would do it right in front of me and didn't care if tried to stop him. Anyway, sorry this is so long! I've heard 6 year olds can be moody and sort of depressed seeming, but is this normal? I suspect things like "you're not the boss of me!" are normal, but the violent talk and the "i hate you's"....is that typical of most 6 year olds?

thanks!

[octobermom]

I have a 7 year old but a girl (if that matters) the over the top drama is very normal for her it was especially true at 6 but the over the top language threats and violence was not. SO if you said thats too loud lets move you... It could have been met with.. YOUR not fair you NEVER let me do ANYTHING Your always trying to boss me!! I want a NEW sitter/mommy daddy etc...
Shes would not say I hate your stupid ect... jsut the whoa is me drama...
She is not at all violent eaither physically or in words.
Overall what you wrote seems a bit extreme and it deffiently would be here but not totally shocking. I know one of my friends oldest (5) can be very vocally aggressive she is more punitive then I am as well.
Deanna

[MaxMommy]

Well, my 6 year old boy has never spoken or behaved like that. I consider him a normal child, moody at times, frustrating in his ability to not hear my voice, flashes of anger and acting out....but I have never witnessed voilent talk or saying I hate you. In addition, ds has several playmates who come over often and we get together with a lot of other children at several group activities and I have never seen that kind of behavior from his peers....that's not to say it doesn't happen, but I have never seen it and I'm around 6 year old boys quite often.

[One_Girl]

The drama sounds normal, the threats do no. I watch a friends son and on a few occassions I have brought something up with her in a matter of fact way with the assumption that she has already talked to him about the behavior at some point and he just needs a reminder. In this situation you might try saying, "Can you remind ____ that we don't threaten violence when we are angry before he comes over tomorrow. We talked about some alternatives and I am sure he would love to share them with you."

[SunshineJ]

Originally Posted by MaxMommy

Well, my 6 year old boy has never spoken or behaved like that. I consider him a normal child, moody at times, frustrating in his ability to not hear my voice, flashes of anger and acting out....but I have never witnessed voilent talk or saying I hate you.

This. And fwiw, ds is 7 and while we've not shown him the blood and guts bash your brains in type movies or games, he's seen a lot of the mainstream stuff, like some of the cartoon superhero shows (that can get fairly violent). All of what MaxMommy described is ds's normal acting out behaviour. I think honestly the worst I've heard him say to his sister is "I don't like you right now, leave me alone, I want some alone time". Honestly I'd be very concerned at the direct threat against your dd and would sit him down with the mom and discuss my concerns over that. I'd also have the mom let him know that actually, not to put too fine a point on it, when he's in your care you are in charge of what he may or may not do. This doesn't seem like typical behaviour to me personally.

[octobermom]

The drama sounds normal, the threats do no.

Yea this. Also my DD can be overly dramatic but once she has a moment she often comes around and is quite reasonable she jsut tends to give dram before shes thinks.. Something we are working on.. SO shes could go all Its not fair you never do anything for me ect drama if I suggested moving her.. But then eaither once we say yes and make it happen or give her a minute she'll find an out. Mom did you mean I have to go outside and never come home again or did you just mean I should go play the drums in a bedroom? OHH OKAY I thought you meant I needed to leave the house FOEVER and I didn't want to do that Oh jsut the bedroom Alright that sounds liek a plan. ..
her accepting the solution can be jsut as dramatic and no shes is never really concerned we want her to jsut leave its all part of the drama.

Deanna

[octobermom]

Honestly I'd be very concerned at the direct threat against your dd and would sit him down with the mom and discuss my concerns over that. I'd also have the mom let him know that actually, not to put too fine a point on it, when he's in your care you are in charge of what he may or may not do.

agreed I missed how he threatened your daughter earlier that is deffiently not waht I'd consider normal.

Deanna

[meemee]

actually i think its a compliment that he reacted so strongly in front of you. no one can say my dd has behaved that intensely with someone else - yet i have seen that side of her. so if she ever shares that intense side with anyone i know its because she trusts them.

i am not so shocked by the threats.

what i do feel is really sad for the little boy. he is extremely frustrated and i wonder how much responsibilites and chores he gets. he wants to be independent and wants to have a say. this wanting is pretty common. his choice of words not.

however that could be due to his personality. my dd at 3 said similar words when trying to deal with my cats miscarriage. she had never been exposed to any violence at that time - not even tom and jerry.

oh yes the 'i hate yous' are also typical. even from 3 year olds.

i dont blame him for behaving the way he does. perhaps he throws a fit and gets his way and that's the way he has known it.

his bashing your head talk wouldnt phase me. in fact i would try to see if i could help with that indirectly as he sounds so frustrated.

however i would not say there is something wrong based on what you have written here. if there is more and your gut tells you something is wrong - then that is a whole different story.

if he has been exposed to tv his parents watch i would find his bash ur head in comment pretty normal for him - rather than a future serial killer. not saying that's what you are implying.

plus 5 to 7 they have this one phase they go thru which makes them horrible. its what i call first phase teenage years. they are v. 'hormonal', extremely frustrated and as my dd said 'i feel someone else inside me is doing this and i cant control it.'

[Tuesday]

Just wanted to chime in - my DS is intense and explosive as the child you describe - not the mean though. But he does use such threats and "I hate you" when upset. Not saying it is normal ... but this is my son - he's a child, he's explosive ... he needs help regulating his moods and emotions. Sounds like this sort of help is needed in this family's house as well. Not sure what to advice other than, speaking as a mom of an explosive child, the kid is not "bad" necessarily at all - just completely unable to regulate. IMO.