Time-outs. Yes or no?

[bcblondie]

I went through the resource list but it's pretty much all about spanking. Well I'm sold on the whole no-spank thing. But what about time outs? I've heard conflicting things. In a way I think it's good because obviously it doesn't physically hurt them. And it sucks when you want to go play but you can't! So they know it's a consequence for bad behavior.
But I've heard it's bad because a child has this need to be close with mom and dad. Setting them in time out could feel like rejection. Like "I don't want you, go sit over there," know what I mean?

What do you all think?

[Mama Mko]

We've done time-ins where we sit with A and tell him it's time to calm down. We don't do time-outs like "go sit over there for 2 minutes."

[Addy's Mom]

I used it from a little older than 2 up to almost age 3, when my son didn't have the language skills necessary to really discuss discipline issues. On this issue, i think it depends on the child. Some, like mine, really needed to calm down, and a brief time out worked well for that. It was also the best logical consequence I could think of when he bit or hit (which is what he got in trouble for mostly). I usually was the target, so I thought removing myself from him was a good idea. I can see how it might be bad for others, though.

I haven't had to use it for a while, because my son very obviously understands what I'm saying to him and understands what "dangerous," "hurt feelings," "not nice," etc. really mean.

[bcblondie]

Ok that makes sense. My son is 14 months and I've sat him down and taken a step away when he's bit me. (I asked about that here before I did it. I guess I needed reasurance that it would be ok) But yea, at that age that's all they can really understand.

And you guys are right. It probably really does depend on both the child and the situation.

I would think that if I did time out's it would be still very close to where I am. Like on "supernanny" they always have one spot, like the stairs, but if I'm in teh kitchen he could have a time out in a chair in the kitchen, or something right? That would be almost like a time in. I'm still only feet away.

(Time in's sounds cute )

I'm wondering what time-out'ers do when they are at the grocery store or something...

[LaughingHyena]

I found it helpful when DS was going through a phase of biting his sister. He had to go and sit outside the room while I calmed her down. We didn't do the minute per age thing though. This was when he was close to 2

Now (at 3) I don't really find it helpful, it just becomes a power struggle of me trying to make him sit on the stairs or wherever.

[webjefita]

No. Just giving more energy to the unwanted behavior, and a power struggle to boot.

Just redirect to what you do want. Give a Time-In. There's even a great book called Time Ins.

[GoBecGo]

I use time outs with my DD when she needs to calm down. Originally i would take her away from the source of frustration/rage and we would sit quietly together and breathe slow and talk softly until she felt calmer. Now (she's 4 in April) she often puts herself into time out when she's getting upset - she goes with her comfort toy to the stairs and sits and sucks her thumb and breathes until she feels better - if she needs to vent she will call for me to help her calm down which i do.

"Time out" as done by supernanny i think are only good for controlling massive issues WHILST you're resolving root causes in the background (and i think become a problem when they are used INSTEAD of resolving root causes). But context and the child and family in question will always make a big difference.

[betsyj]

"Time out" as done by supernanny i think are only good for controlling massive issues WHILST you're resolving root causes in the background (and i think become a problem when they are used INSTEAD of resolving root causes).

I think this is an excellent point. Sometimes, when parents are trying to break the hitting trap, timeouts may be a bridge behavior while the family is learning new coping and discipline methods.

I am not planning on using timeouts with my son (he is not even two so it is not an issue at all right now)-but, I can certainly see it happening sometime in the future. I know there have been times when I have been so angry (he is a very hard and unexpected pincher) that I gave MYSELF a timeout and it helped me calm down.

I would much rather give him (or myself) a timeout if I am so angry that I can't be a good Mama right at that minute and then talk about it later and plan for a better response in the future.

I have thought about how I want to manage undesirable behaviors and have many good ideas but sometimes reality intrudes on my perfect parenting.

I think there are a lot worse things out there then a timeout that lets everyone cool down.

[HappyMommy2]

We do time-outs, after the age of 2 or so. And only for about 30 seconds. Lots of people here don't like them, but it helps us to stop the chaos for a moment and gives everyone a chance to chill and get redirected.

Also - if there are a bunch of visitors, or non-major issues, we do time-in's. We can just tell when a time-in with Mommy is a better choice.

We also do toy time-outs when necessary.

[bcblondie]

Thanks everyone. I can definately see how Supernanny is dealing with some very deep discipline issues and timeouts are extremely mild compared to what a lot of those kids are used to Actually the very last one I watched, the wife didn't trust teh dad alone with the kid because he was so rough and borderline abusive with them.

But yea, coming into this at a young age, where problems can be solved before they start, I can see how there would be other ways to redirect their energy, etc.

[pacificbliss]

We use them but we say, "let's go take some time out" instead of "go on a time out" like it's a rally bad thing. DS has a big stuffed dog in his room and he calms down easily there. We use it to break the cycle of a tantrum and not as a punishment. If it's a discipline issue I sit with him until he settles and then we talk about it.

[bcblondie]

pacificbliss. I like the idea of wording it that way. Do you ever worry that he might start to associate his room or the bear, with where he goes when he's done something wrong? I worry about that....

[GoBecGo]

It all comes down to HOW you do time out though. When my DD is being PUT in timeout, rather than putting herself in it, there is a big difference between me screaming "GO TO THE STAIRS!" and making her sit on her own and me saying "oh sweetheart, you need to cool off a bit, let's go to the stairs" and me giving her teddy and taking her there and sitting with her or not as she chooses. DD DEFINITELY associates sitting on the stairs (which is where time out is for us) with her teddy with things getting out of control - but i want her to, that's where she goes to calm down and rationalise what's happening. It's not seen as a punishment, more as a regulatory tool. I have seen her look for stairs to sit ou if we're out and about and she's getting stressed too, i think it makes a big difference to her to know she can find that place and get her calm back.

[mom2reenie]

We have the kids sit until they are ready to listen and/or calm down. If DD is throwing a fit and so upset she isn't paying attention to anything I say, I tell her she needs to go sit somewhere until she is ready to calmly discuss matters. When DS hits or doesn't obey, I have him sit down until he is ready to do what needs to be done.

I think it's important to teach them that it's okay to need to remove yourself from the situation and return when you are calm enough to handle it. Dh and I have to do it in marriage, I've had to do it with other adults, so I see nothing wrong with it in children.

[bcblondie]

Go bec go. That's really sweet. And it gave me an idea, her looking for stairs. What if you just have a time out item. No matter where they are they could sit and have a "time out" even if they were at the store.

mom2reenie that is true.

[bcblondie]

I'm confused. Someone posted a reply, I can read it in my email. But when I clicked the link it's not here. Did she delete it? Or a mod maybe? I'm lost.

[betsyj]

It recommended spanking.

[GoBecGo]

And it had a business link in it (i assume, i reported it but didn't click the link first).

[bcblondie]

Oh. Hmm. That's strange.