This might be long, WWYD in this situation?

[inkslinger]

DD2 goes to an in-home daycare that is set up like a preschool (dd1's preschool had to be shut down due to funding and the director decided to start a day care and teach the same curriculum she did in preschool)

She's been going there for this whole school year so far, dd1 was taught by the same director all through preschool as well, and we've been happy with it so far.

The director just had 2 foster children move in with her, and one of the kids is also in the day-care. One is in kinder, and they also have another sibling that will move in in the next month or two. The kids all seem really sweet, no problem there, but the director seems to be super snappy and stressed out. My dd told me today that she has been spanking the 2 year old foster son in front of the other kids. This doesn't sit well with me at all. I don't even know if foster parents are legally allowed to spank, are they? Seems like a no-no to me. I don't like it for the baby, and I don't like that she's exposing the other kids to it either.

I ran into a friend of mine whose son also attends there. She said he's been really hesitant to go to school and says that the director is 'mean all the time'

WWYD?

[Maluhia]

I'd find other childcare arrangements for my child and alert the foster authorities that this foster Mom seems overwhelmed. IF I knew her well enough to talk to her, I would, but if it was only a business relationship than the safety of children comes first.

[inkslinger]

I'm definitely making other arrangements. I don't need the childcare, I'm a sahm and she only goes a few days per week. I'll find out the number to call to talk to the foster authorities. It just makes me so sad.

[One_Girl]

I don't think foster parents are suppossed to be hitting kids. I think you should pull your child out and report this to CPS. These kids have been through a lot just being pulled out of their home. They need to be safe in their foster home.

[MCR]

Foster parents are not allowed to spank, we had to sign a form promising no physical punishments would be used every time a child was placed. (Dh used to call it the no spank guarantee)
She sounds really overwhelmed, doing daycare and foster care is frowned on in many areas for just this reason, she isn't coping well with kids who don't go home at the end of the day.
If she's doing this long term I'd quit and find somewhere else, if you are a mandated reporter you need to call it in.

[*bejeweled*]

Most definitely take your baby out and report it to CPS. Those kids deserve to be safe. Poor kids.

[Mountaingirl79]

You know, just my own experience, but sometimes places aren't as good as they seem. My youngest went to a daycare/preschool when he was younger for a brief period. It was highly recommended and we were wait listed to attend. As it turns out, the women were cranky and pushy with the kids, especially about potty training and I just wasn't digging their approach at all.
If I could go back in time, I would choose a different provider sooner.

[peaceful_mama]

I'm also a SAHM with one in preschool and if he didn't want to go, said the teacher was "mean", and ESPECIALLY if he said he saw her hitting kids, he would NOT be going back to that person. No explanation, and I certainly would not pay any sort of "withdrawal fee' the daycare might have for leaving without notice.

I'd also call the authorities, both the daycare licensing and the foster care. Hitting is also a huge no-no for kids under your care in daycare. (even though this is her foster kid, it's happening where the other kids are seeing it, and he is in her daycare as well.)

[inkslinger]

Thanks, all. It didn't feel right to me, at all. I have the number to report her and I will be doing so. DD has been home sick with me this week and I don't think she'll be going back.

[eepster]

While I agree with all the PPs that if she did spank you should withdraw your DD and report her, I would not necessarily do either based on the say of a preschooler. Preschoolers are notoriously bad at accurately reporting what happened. I have a preschooler, his stories about what goes on at school are very very far from what I know happens there.

[CarrieMF]

While I agree with all the PPs that if she did spank you should withdraw your DD and report her, I would not necessarily do either based on the say of a preschooler. Preschoolers are notoriously bad at accurately reporting what happened. I have a preschooler, his stories about what goes on at school are very very far from what I know happens there.

I'd agree. You're taking the word for a 3yo. How long have the foster kids been there - a week, 2 weeks, more? If the director was mean in the first week it could have been an adjustment period & it's done with now.

i don't consider a 2yo to be a baby. Taking the foster part out for a minute here it is not illegal to spank a 2yo. I would first ask the director if this really happened, whether this is a foster situation or not. What a 3yo sees as a possible spanking may not actually be a spanking. If the director says it did, or you actually see it yourself then a call to the foster agency would be warranted.

[Qestia]

Originally Posted by eepster

I have a preschooler, his stories about what goes on at school are very very far from what I know happens there.

I'm curious about what you're basing this on. Your child is there all day(well, maybe)--you're not. My son has been in daycare since he was 3 months old (he is almost 5). Obvously he's been able to verbalize his experiences there to various degrees over the years. But he doesn't just make things up and never has. Are other kids different?

I'm genuinely curious--not trying to offend.

[rere]

Originally Posted by Qestia

I'm curious about what you're basing this on. Your child is there all day(well, maybe)--you're not. My son has been in daycare since he was 3 months old (he is almost 5). Obvously he's been able to verbalize his experiences there to various degrees over the years. But he doesn't just make things up and never has. Are other kids different?

I'm genuinely curious--not trying to offend.

Yes other kids are different.I took care of a little boy who would say things happened that never did.He wouldn't make up stories about spanking but he would tell his parents we went places we never did or he would tell me he ate things at home that he never did.If it weren't for the fact that I was friends with his parents I don't think we would have known how often he made up stories because they all sounded reasonable and not like something a kid would make up.

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by rere

Yes other kids are different.I took care of a little boy who would say things happened that never did.He wouldn't make up stories about spanking but he would tell his parents we went places we never did or he would tell me he ate things at home that he never did.If it weren't for the fact that I was friends with his parents I don't think we would have known how often he made up stories because they all sounded reasonable and not like something a kid would make up.

I think this can be very true. Some kids love spinning stories at that age. When my little sister was 2-3yrs old, if I took her say to the store with me or out to eat, she would add all sorts of additional things into it.

ETA:

I would still remove my child though. the risk/benefits are not balanced.

[earthgirl]

Originally Posted by Qestia

I'm curious about what you're basing this on. Your child is there all day(well, maybe)--you're not. My son has been in daycare since he was 3 months old (he is almost 5). Obvously he's been able to verbalize his experiences there to various degrees over the years. But he doesn't just make things up and never has. Are other kids different?

I'm genuinely curious--not trying to offend.

Not to derail the thread here, but my DD says CRAZY things sometimes. She once told DH that I threw her across the room. I don't even know what she was referring to when she came up with that one.

[pauletoy]

I would not rely on the story of a 3 yo alone. I would talk to the director about your dd sensing stress and gauge her reaction from there. If you are uncomfortable then find a new care provider. If you get a bad vibe from the director, report her.

My 3 yo frequently tells us that Patrick (a little boy in her class) hit her or pushed her down, none of which have ever happened. She also tells us that Patrick bit her when she was a tiny baby. She didn't know Patrick until the beginning of this school year. Not saying that all preschoolers do, but my preschooler has a very vivid imagination.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by Qestia

I'm curious about what you're basing this on. Your child is there all day(well, maybe)--you're not. My son has been in daycare since he was 3 months old (he is almost 5). Obvously he's been able to verbalize his experiences there to various degrees over the years. But he doesn't just make things up and never has. Are other kids different?

I'm genuinely curious--not trying to offend.

DS often claims he did absolutely nothing in school, but at the end of the week inside his folder are paintings he painted, drawings he drew, punch out he punched, etc, etc. He talks about how scary the monsters on the playground can be (older kids in the class play monster at recess.)

During an evaluation recently DS left the tester believing he didn't know how to spell his name. He has been able to spell it for over a year and can now also spell his last name.

I can easily imagine how the OP's DD might have misreported something harmless. For example if the child is accustomed to being spanked he might have yelled out "Don't spank me! Don't spank me!" when the woman removed/redirected him from a situation. I find this just as likely as a woman the OP has trusted for a while suddenly changing drastically.

Is it possible the woman did spank the child in front of her daycare kids? Yes, however, I wouldn't want to make all kinds of decisions and reports till I was really sure though.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I think you need to start with a conversation with the caregiver. Something like "Ms X., child has been expressing a lot of stress about the way her day has been going here lately. I need to understand the facts so I can help her understand what she is seeing. For example, she says you have been yelling more lately. Do you think you have been more stressed since taking on more kids? Another thing she said was that you spanked Y last whateverday. Can you tell me more about what really happened?" Then see what she says and evaluation and plan from there, especially in terms of reporting her. Small children do misinterpret things sometimes and its always good to confirm stores before taking actions.

Of course, if you get the least vibe from her that she isn't being truthful, I would immediately pull my child out of her care. Or if she seems defensive when you start this conversation, or if you child continues to be uncomfortable. But I might or might not take the next step depending on what I see/sense.

[Mosaic]

Pull her out. I hate to say that because I'm not at all a reactive person, and I KNOW how hard it is to find new care, especially with no notice.

When the foster child is in a daycare setting, then the daycare rules apply. I don't know if this is licensed place or where you are, but in my state, spanking is illegal in any licensed care situation (in-home, etc.). Even where it's not illegal, it's a sign that discipline is not being handled in a way I deem acceptable.

But more than that, if the director is stressed out, it's impacting the kids, if you're getting a different vibe or your daughter is showing signs that something has changed, and you don't feel it will get better, pull her out. I pulled my DD out of a daycare that started out fine and good and then turned; and while I don't believe in carrying around guilt or regrets, not pulling her out sooner is one I cannot shake. You can always go back if it turns out the director just had a bad day, but there are no words for what it feels like to have signs that your child is in an icky situation and live with the knowledge that you didn't heed them.