Looking for some advice/perspective:
My inlaws visit once every couple of months for a couple of days. They are not necessarily mean-spirited people, but they make a lot of comments on the physical appearance of others. They say good things, negative things and in-between things.
I was brought up in a home where we did not talk about others' appearances. It wasn't strictly forbidden, but my parents just never seemed to notice or care--so we kids didn't either. I feel like this is one of the (few) things my parents got right, and that it affected me, and the way I see other people, in a very positive way. My husband and I have tried to incorporate this into our own family. It is a struggle for him, since he was raised otherwise, but his very occasional slips have provided a good opportunity for us to remind the kids that we don't generally comment on personal appearances/differences, and also discuss the nuances of such comments and how they can be appropriate and even expected in some situations (eg a compliment on a new haircut). In all, it's goin' fine
We had kind of taken the stance with the inlaws that we don't see them that often, therefore limiting their influence on the kids, so we weren't going to sweat what they say in front of them too much. But lately, their comments have been directed at the children themselves. While the comments aren't negative, I worry about the potential impact. For example, my DS got braces several months ago, and now they ask him about his braces several times a visit. Asking him to show them, then whether they hurt, when he's going to get them off, how often he has them tightened, etc., the same questions, several times. This is a kid who never mentions them otherwise, and I'm afraid he's going to get a complex! Then they go on about how no one they know has braces, and make other comments that make it clear to me that they're not asking out of concern, but out of curiosity. Our DD has 2 stainless crowned teeth, and they go through the same routine with her. They comment on the kids hair, on their height--any physical change whatsoever.
So my question is, how do I mitigate any potential effect this will have on the children? It doesn't seem enough to talk to the kids. I feel like I need to ask the inlaws to stop. But it's such a pervasive part of their personalities, I'm not sure I can ask in a way that's not overtly critical of the way they live their lives--they will not understand how the comments could hurt when they are not criticism. They have reacted extremely negatively in the past when we have asked them to modify their behavior in front of the children, so I anticipate backlash--it just feels too important to let it slide.
Thanks in advance,
jane
My inlaws visit once every couple of months for a couple of days. They are not necessarily mean-spirited people, but they make a lot of comments on the physical appearance of others. They say good things, negative things and in-between things.
I was brought up in a home where we did not talk about others' appearances. It wasn't strictly forbidden, but my parents just never seemed to notice or care--so we kids didn't either. I feel like this is one of the (few) things my parents got right, and that it affected me, and the way I see other people, in a very positive way. My husband and I have tried to incorporate this into our own family. It is a struggle for him, since he was raised otherwise, but his very occasional slips have provided a good opportunity for us to remind the kids that we don't generally comment on personal appearances/differences, and also discuss the nuances of such comments and how they can be appropriate and even expected in some situations (eg a compliment on a new haircut). In all, it's goin' fine
We had kind of taken the stance with the inlaws that we don't see them that often, therefore limiting their influence on the kids, so we weren't going to sweat what they say in front of them too much. But lately, their comments have been directed at the children themselves. While the comments aren't negative, I worry about the potential impact. For example, my DS got braces several months ago, and now they ask him about his braces several times a visit. Asking him to show them, then whether they hurt, when he's going to get them off, how often he has them tightened, etc., the same questions, several times. This is a kid who never mentions them otherwise, and I'm afraid he's going to get a complex! Then they go on about how no one they know has braces, and make other comments that make it clear to me that they're not asking out of concern, but out of curiosity. Our DD has 2 stainless crowned teeth, and they go through the same routine with her. They comment on the kids hair, on their height--any physical change whatsoever.
So my question is, how do I mitigate any potential effect this will have on the children? It doesn't seem enough to talk to the kids. I feel like I need to ask the inlaws to stop. But it's such a pervasive part of their personalities, I'm not sure I can ask in a way that's not overtly critical of the way they live their lives--they will not understand how the comments could hurt when they are not criticism. They have reacted extremely negatively in the past when we have asked them to modify their behavior in front of the children, so I anticipate backlash--it just feels too important to let it slide.
Thanks in advance,
jane
I totally agree with this.
