Relatives and comments on physical appearance - Page 2

[mamazee]

I think so long as you don't see them often and they dont' say anything specifically negative (like the appalling "ugly phase" comment) I'd let it slide. But if a specific thing (more minor than the "ugly phase" kind of thing) sets of an alarm or looks like it's bugging one of your kids, I would right there in front of the kids politely ask her to not comment on that. I wouldn't have a huge conversation about it, so long as it isn't mean spirited. But say if your son looks uncomfortable about the braces talk, I'd say, "Let's not talk about the braces anymore please. Thank you." Every time they do something a bit negative or uncomfortable, but always politely. It won't take long for them to figure out the boundary.

I personally wouldn't take them aside and talk to them because they'll feel attacked and I think it will probably affect the relationship more. A few gentle specific nudges might be a more gentle way of dealing with it. If they get really nasty, then I'd take the gloves off and say right then, "That's rude! Don't say mean things to my kids!", but I'm assuming not terribly negative stuff is happening.

But good luck no matter what you do about it! I think it's great that you are modeling not making such a fuss about appearance. What you do will impact those kids much, much more than what the grandparents do, unless it starts getting really negative and mean spirited, which is a definite possibility. My grandma once said to my sister, "My you're getting fat!" My sister was a skinny pre-teen, but wasnt' as skinny as she had been, and she was pretty mortified by that. My mom isnt' much better and I'm bracing myself for more serious appearance talk as my kids get older. So far we just get stupid comments about how short the hair is or something.

[Trinitty]

Hello Janes4,

I just wanted to let you know that I know what you are getting at and where you are coming from.... and it will be tough to stop it. Your example of them asking how much you weigh, if you thought about highlighting your hair, etc, really stands out. How rude.

My parents are hypercritical about everyone, but not towards their own children, so we were spared in that way. But, everyone else was fair game. All the time.

I heard it my whole life and I am very sensitive to it now, to the point that when I hear gossip, I actually feel ill. I used to do it all of the time, just parroting my parents, but I am fortunate that I had an epiphany late in my teens and it changed my behaviour and perspective.

The thing is, their really blunt gossip (she's fat, he's stupid, etc) is easily deflected and shamed by abruptly changing the topic... so they don't do it around us any more at all, and when they start, they stop themselves.

YOUR situation is much harder because it is so covert, it's not OBVIOUSLY wrong of them to be doing what they are doing, like in my own parents' case.....

For your child's sake though, I would be direct with them, because this kind of erosion can really hurt in the long run.

"Gramma/Grandpa it is really irritating/draining to be constantly assessed and scrutinized, could you cool it please?"

Deal with the miffed looks, but, your children are worth it. You are their firewall.

Trin.

[mama1803]

Originally Posted by syn_ack89

I might be tempted to reply "Oh apparently you haven't ever left it because that was a very ugly comment.

Oh, that's good! And so very true.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Jane's4

She pointed out that any comments about a person's appearance can make them uncomfortable or embarrassed. They don't have to be negative.

Sure, I get that. I was very thin into my mid twenties, and I ran all the time. I got lots of comments about how slender I was, and it can be uncomfortable.

I think with this situation, though, I'd be more inclined to teach my children how to handle uncomfortable situations. People are going to comment on your appearance, and I don't understand the idea that it's 100% off-limits. I think it would be best to work with your children on the issue because certainly it's not going to be the only time in their lives they encounter someone making them uncomfortable.

My read is that your ILs don't see your children often. They honestly don't sound like they know how to talk to/interact with your children. My mother is like that. She didn't do it with us (I lived with relatives), and she's very...weird around my kids - just has no freakin' clue how to act with them. Maybe trying to go out and do something with the ILs will help improve conversation and give your children and ILs something to discuss. That could help get the focus off the braces and other things.

[olliepop]

For example, she told me 9 year old niece after not seeing her for a year "oh, I see your going through your ugly phase".

That's terrible and I bet your niece will probably never forget that. When I was younger, a relative told me that the only pretty thing about me was my eyebrows and that stuck with me for a very long time.

And the funny thing is, I'm sure she thought she was paying me a compliment.

[Jane's4]

Originally Posted by Trinitty

Hello Janes4,

I just wanted to let you know that I know what you are getting at and where you are coming from.... and it will be tough to stop it. Your example of them asking how much you weigh, if you thought about highlighting your hair, etc, really stands out. How rude.

My parents are hypercritical about everyone, but not towards their own children, so we were spared in that way. But, everyone else was fair game. All the time.

I heard it my whole life and I am very sensitive to it now, to the point that when I hear gossip, I actually feel ill. I used to do it all of the time, just parroting my parents, but I am fortunate that I had an epiphany late in my teens and it changed my behaviour and perspective.

The thing is, their really blunt gossip (she's fat, he's stupid, etc) is easily deflected and shamed by abruptly changing the topic... so they don't do it around us any more at all, and when they start, they stop themselves.

YOUR situation is much harder because it is so covert, it's not OBVIOUSLY wrong of them to be doing what they are doing, like in my own parents' case.....

For your child's sake though, I would be direct with them, because this kind of erosion can really hurt in the long run.

"Gramma/Grandpa it is really irritating/draining to be constantly assessed and scrutinized, could you cool it please?"

Deal with the miffed looks, but, your children are worth it. You are their firewall.

Trin.

Trin., thank you for this. For some reason I have been unable to articulate my concerns well--but you really did it for me. Your post got right to the heart of the matter.

It's not the words my inlaws are saying, which on the surface seem so innocuous and normal--it's what's behind them, which is insidious and complicated.

Thank you all. I have a lot to think about. DH and I talked for a long time last night about how to proceed. We have a visit scheduled for next weekend that we hope to be prepared for.