Please Help! Un-manageable Child (In-home Daycare)

[bubblesispreggers]

I keep 2 children full time in my home. The little boy in question just started this week. He is 3 years old and I don't know how to deal with him. He does not listen to much I say and screams and kicks at me when I attempt to have him do something as simple as put away a toy.

I was going by what his mother suggested and sitting him in the timeout corner when he does something out of line or doesn't do something he is asked to do but he screams and cries the entire time he is there, if he stays in the corner at all. Sometimes he pushes me and runs away from me.

Also, I cannot seem to get him to nap-- this may be due to this being his first week, at least I hope so.

Please give me some suggestions or ask questions about anything I left out. I'm frazzled.

Thank you!

[Addy's Mom]

Is he a young 3, or older?

[bubblesispreggers]

He is an older 3 and very smart and sneaky.

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I do daycare too. I know how unnerving it can be. But, try to keep doing what you usually do and give it two weeks. I usually find that kids learn from the other kids, and within about two weeks, the behaviors have changed dramatically.

Peer pressure is amazing at this age. The other kids can tell him "We don't kick" and it means a lot coming from peers.

[bubblesispreggers]

That is another reason I'm worried. My daughter will be 3 years in April and she has never been around well-mannered children, unfortunately, so she doesn't have any good examples of how to act other than adults. She is sensitive to peer pressure more than he is it seems (it was the same with the last 4 year old I kept who had absolutely no manners-- at least he didn't kick and scream and pitch fits like this one does). The 1 year old girl I keep is an angel.

I just wish I knew how to deal with this boy. Reasoning doesn't work, time outs don't work, redirection doesn't work, taking away the toy or privilege doesn't work.

What am I doing wrong?

Do I just continue to allow him to run away when I try to take a toy away or scream at me and kick? What do I do?

[chfriend]

He's 3 and he's adjusting to a brand new daycare situation. It sounds completely normal to me.

It seems very early to describe him as "very smart and sneaky."

It sounds like you don't like him much. I wonder if he is picking up on that.

A book that springs to mind that might be helpful is "Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline" by Becky Bailey.

[BetsyNY]

He's 3 and he's adjusting to a brand new daycare situation. It sounds completely normal to me.

It seems very early to describe him as "very smart and sneaky."

It sounds like you don't like him much. I wonder if he is picking up on that.

Ditto this.

Scale back on your expectations. Put the toys away yourself.

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Originally Posted by bubblesispreggers

What am I doing wrong?

Do I just continue to allow him to run away when I try to take a toy away or scream at me and kick? What do I do?

I doubt you are doing anything wrong.

Kicking is an immediate loss of shoes in my house. I know everybody probably thinks "He's just a baby, he hasn't learned yet". But, three is old enough to know better. My three year olds can pour water for the little ones, they dress themselves, they can use a phone....they are completely capable of many things.

I really do think you should give him a few weeks to adjust. He's used to a whole other set of rules. (maybe no rules) and his parents may or may not have the tools other parents have. Sometimes a strong child is overwhelming, so some parents just give up and do nothing, rather than have a struggle that they often don't win. Some parents had little parenting themselves and don't really know what else to do.

He is bright, and CAN learn that you have rules at your house, and he is going to be fine.

Kids come to my house, and walking around the house with food or drinks is forbidden. But, at home a lot of them can carry food all over. They have no problems learning right away that we can't do that here.

I would try to stop using time out. It isn't working anyway. Use it only when you realllllly need a break from him. I wouldn't chase him either. You might need to find a way to contain him in one area though. I use baby gates to keep one side of the house blocked off. That still leaves them with one entire half of a very big house. But, if I needed a smaller area, I'd probably buy a baby cage thing. (long set of gates) and block off the kitchen, that way they'd only have two rooms to play in, and I could have more control. I think those cages are about $60 new. But, I am not sure. (don't google baby cage... it's a disturbing journey... those things have another name that I can't think of right now)

If after two weeks, you still can't get a handle on this, maybe you should consider dropping the family. Maybe suggest a large daycare center where he would be with 15 other kids his age, and those kids will hopefully teach him acceptable social skills. Plus a center is sometimes more "wild" friendly, since it's intended for kids only, and it doesn't double as a home. So, not much is off limits.

Good luck with this! I have been there, done that.

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by bubblesispreggers

He is an older 3 and very smart and sneaky.

It's awfully early on in your relationship to be labeling him like that.

Give him some time. He's just started a whole new situation. Alot of older 3 year olds don't nap. He should be able to have a rest time though. Maybe you could figure out some things he can do instead of always telling him what he can't do. Are you going outside at all? He may need to burn off some energy as well.

[bubblesispreggers]

I didn't mean for it to sound like I don't like him. I do like him, its his behavior I don't like.

I don't think asking an intelligent 3 year old to help put away the toys he drug out is asking too much. When do you suggest they start helping to clean the messes they create? I don't expect them to do it all by themselves but they can and should lend a hand when I am right there beside them picking up, too.

What I meant by sneaky was I would ask him to stop doing something and suggest something else, he'd cooperate momentarily until I turned away to tend the baby, then he'd go right back to the original activity when he thought I wasn't looking but try to hop back to the redirected activity when he thought I was going to look back at him. I hope that makes sense. He deliberately tried to sneak back to what he was doing when he thought he wouldn't be caught.

If I didn't like him and his family I wouldn't be coming here for help. I'd just let him do whatever he wants which would be way easier and less stressful.

Please keep any ideas coming.

Thank you!

[bubblesispreggers]

We can't play outside right now because it has been under 35 degrees for a while and snowing for pretty much a week.

We do dance to fast paced music daily.

The reason I was trying to have him nap is because his mother said he needs it. She said he is grumpy for the rest of the day if he doesn't get his nap in so I was trying to follow her wishes.

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Originally Posted by bubblesispreggers

The reason I was trying to have him nap is because his mother said he needs it. She said he is grumpy for the rest of the day if he doesn't get his nap in so I was trying to follow her wishes.

How about if you turn on a movie or tv show while he rests. Sometimes the kids will relax watching tv, and then fall asleep. Reading stories can sometimes work, but it's harder for the average tightly wound child to stop and listen.

Also, YES, a three year old can help pick up toys. But, he just needs to get his head around all of this change. He will probably turn out to be your favorite child. (my most challenging kids are always my favorites)

After lunch, try doing a small craft, or playing with playdough. It helps to relax.

Hang in there til Spring, once it warms up, you will be able to play outside, and it gets So much better. I have the opposite weather... in the summer it's too hot to go out, but they are outside all winter long.

There are lots of free sites for providers that you can make your own curriculum. If you want links, let me know, and I will find you some.

[bubblesispreggers]

Thank you for your suggestions!

He is very high-energy. Yesterday and the day before I tried putting in a quiet movie and turning all the lights off (the shades still allowed some light in so it wasn't dark-- his mom said he likes dark but that is impossible at our house). I told them it was quiet time and had them lay down. My dd laid in the floor and he laid on the couch. They laid there quietly for the most part but just wouldnt go to sleep. That was fine, when the movie went off the lights came back on and the day went on. Today his mom said something about how he really needed a nap and I should try turning the tv off, too. So I did and he would lay still for about 2 seconds before switching from the couch to the floor and back again over and over. I asked if he would lay still if I set up the tent for him and he said yes so I got the tent out. He laid in it for a while but was moving around and fiddling with the tent the whole time. I stayed as quiet as possible and dd even stayed in the other room so as not to distract him. Still no luck.

Thanks again!