DD doesn't want to ride in friend's messy car - How to handle? - Page 2

[plunky]

Is it possible this is one of those things like looking at all the germs on your hand? You think your hand is clean, but it really is teeming with microbes. As in, the OP listed a whole bunch of stuff that sounds gross and bugs her daughter, but when you look at the van as a whole it just looks like a normal, busy mom's van?

[nextcommercial]

Originally Posted by JL83

Unless we're talking biohazard, there's no way I would drive my DD to her friend's house if the friend's mom and I were leaving from the same place.

If she wants to play with her friend she can take the ride offered. It seems pretty simple to me.

I'd also never have commented on how messy someone's car was. That's unspeakably rude.

Yep! This.

[lilyka]

ok if she asked you "is it because of my car" then she knew good and well what the answer was going to be and you had no choice to be honest. its not like you went up to her and said "hey honey, your car is a bio--hazard. there is vomit lingering on the car seat". I mean for petes sake. she asked. you answered as nicely as you could. I would not ride in that car and I have a very high tolerance for smells and clutter.

[One_Girl]

Can you tell you talk to your dd and ask her if she would ride in the car with her car seat and then go back to the friend and ask if that is an okay solution.
I can understand why she wouldn't want to ride in a filthy car seat. We have clutter in our trunk and crumbs and trail mix tend to go everywhere, but a stained puke seat is just to gross. My friend has a very very filthy car seat and I hate to even touch it when I pick up her son. It is really gross and there is no way my dd would ever ride in it.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by Tanibani

My friend asked me point blank today "is it because of my car?" and I replied, "yeah" and I know she was upset.
So just white lie? 4evermom, how would you have answered her?

Oh, I would have said yes, alright.

Then, I'd just reiterate that dd is going through a fastidious stage and is more comfortable with me driving her. It is totally your friend's choice to be offended and to clean or not clean. Your dd not riding in her car is simply a natural consequence of the choice your friend made to not be a considerate host. Really, don't you clean before having company? Does your dd not count as someone to be offered that sort of respect? If you aren't bringing up the messy car or going on about it or acting judgmental then there is no rudeness on your side.

[newbymom05]

If someone told me that my car was so filthy that my child's friend refused to ride in it, I'd be incredibly embarrassed. I'd also clean it. I would hope this mom will? Even if it's the microbe/busy mom theory, if a CHILD complained I would be heading to the car wash center.

[betsyj]

I thought about this thread today and man I have got to agree with the OP's daughter.

My neighbor left her car running in the driveway and it rolled out into the street and up on the sidewalk. I was walking the dog and saw it all. I ran over and opened the door to put the car in park.

I was so glad I had gloves on because I have never seen a more disgusting car. I didn't even want to touch the gear shift with my gloves it was so gross. Food, unidentifiable stains, and my GOD the smell.

[dancindoula]

Originally Posted by lilyka

ok if she asked you "is it because of my car" then she knew good and well what the answer was going to be and you had no choice to be honest. its not like you went up to her and said "hey honey, your car is a bio--hazard. there is vomit lingering on the car seat". I mean for petes sake. she asked. you answered as nicely as you could. I would not ride in that car and I have a very high tolerance for smells and clutter.

I was coming to type this same thing. If she asked point blank, she knew the answer already and had no business being offended with you. It's unfair to demand an honest answer and then get angry for getting it, and you have a right to answer honestly when asked. She's embarrassed and I understand that, but from what you described she needs to deal with her car instead of getting pi$$y with friends. I wouldn't want my child riding in what you described.

[littlemizflava]

i have had to deal with this with a friends home. first off i told my dd be happy it is not our home. other people live different ways kinda know that some are cleaner and some are messy.

at 5.5 your dd should be atleast in a booster in her car. would your dd be better with sitting in a easy to move backless booster or a highback booster? you could keep it in your car this way it would be clean and nonsmelling. this way she was sitting in a clean carseat and not is unknown stuff. that might be here big problem knowing she is getting all ewww on her clothing

for smells hmmm if you allowed it a small bottle of body spray she can put one squirt on b4 or while in the car so she smells her scent and not the other

[2xy]

I am sensitive to odors and have trouble dealing with a dirty car. My car gets messy, but never horrifically so. We do have quite a bit of clumpy dried dirt, salt, and sand on the floors right now, and I don't go out of my way to vacuum it out frequently....but the car doesn't smell and there is nothing rotting in it.

Everyone in our family gets carsick. A stinky car would have been hard on my kids when they were little. I would make accommodations, if only because I would not want to ride in a gross car, and I treat my children like I would want to be treated.

We have a different issue around here. Two of my close friends have children who are good friends with my kids. These two friends of mine are AWFUL drivers. Not dangerous, mind you, but they both have lead feet and the car jerks everywhere when they're driving. Stomp on the gas, stomp on the brake, stomp on the gas. You get the picture. My DS2 had to have one of these friends pull over once so he could puke out the back door. I had no idea how bad it was until I rode with her one day. We only drove about 1.5 miles down the road and my stomach was lurching. I was dreading the ride back, and I will never make either of my kids ride with her again. She lives 45 minutes away, but I will make the trip to go pick them up.

[Jenifer76]

My DS would have a hard time with it as well. He is extremely sensitive to smells and his gag reflex is extremely sensitive. He also is very blunt (Aspergers) and has told a friend her car smelled. (It was/is true.) I would not make him ride in the car because the potential for him to vomit in the car would be HIGH.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Tanibani

Most moms I know have messy mini-vans and she was asking me tonight "OK, I'll ride in everyone else's..." minus this friend. Why? I'm guessing the "puke" seat among other smells (and visible stains).

It's possible there could be some other issue that your dd isn't even aware of. We just got rid of our old minivan and bought a new one a month ago. Our old one was always a mess. It also smelled funny. But, the two weren't related. We had an issue where there was a blockage we couldn't get to, and it caused leaking on the floor, under the glove compartment. Our van had very high internal humidity and it smelled musty and weird. Even I thought it was kind of gross, but I couldn't do anything about it, short of getting a new car.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by newbymom05

If someone told me that my car was so filthy that my child's friend refused to ride in it, I'd be incredibly embarrassed. I'd also clean it. I would hope this mom will? Even if it's the microbe/busy mom theory, if a CHILD complained I would be heading to the car wash center.

yeah, it says something VERY odd about the other mother than she continues to drive around in a biohazard that smells like vomit and grosses out other childen. It would kinda make me wonder about the whole playdate thing.

Yes, all our cars get messy. Yes, they can all get cleaned again.

[hermionesmum]

Pukey smells in a warm car are not easy to get rid of! Last summer I ended up having mine professionally valeted because I couldn't get the smell out, in spite of numerous attempts to do so.

I can understand your friend feeling offended and suggest that you talk to your dd about how her comments are making her friend's mum feel, regardless of how you want to proceed in terms of her accepting lift or not.

[PoppyMama]

Originally Posted by hermionesmum

Pukey smells in a warm car are not easy to get rid of! Last summer I ended up having mine professionally valeted because I couldn't get the smell out, in spite of numerous attempts to do so.

I can understand your friend feeling offended and suggest that you talk to your dd about how her comments are making her friend's mum feel, regardless of how you want to proceed in terms of her accepting lift or not.

The comment didn't go from her dd to her friend. Unless it was biohazard, godawful I would tell my dc to deal. As far as the OP continuing to be so honest with the mom....well there is a fine line between "to honest" and rude.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by hermionesmum

Pukey smells in a warm car are not easy to get rid of! Last summer I ended up having mine professionally valeted because I couldn't get the smell out, in spite of numerous attempts to do so.
.

If this was the case though my response would be "oh my gosh, I know, it is disgusting but there is nothing I have found to get the smell out. of course it is fine if she does not want to ride in my car. I don't even want to ride in my car. "


anyone else feeling a sudden compulsion to go out and clean their car. mine, as always in the dead of winter, is moving into biohazard mode. I need to find a warm place to go clean out my car....vaccuum....shampoo....

[goodygumdrops]

Originally Posted by newbymom05

If someone told me that my car was so filthy that my child's friend refused to ride in it, I'd be incredibly embarrassed. I'd also clean it. I would hope this mom will? Even if it's the microbe/busy mom theory, if a CHILD complained I would be heading to the car wash center.

So, pp pretty much sums it up for me. My stbx joined the army and left me his car to sell. Oh, and he didn't even clean it first. So, I took it in and the guy said it was the second dirtiest car he's ever seen. It was beyond disgusting. Let me tell you, that when my stbx gets back, I will be having words with him. No way will I let my son drive around in a car like that again....

[karemore]

I think it's great that you've honored your DDs feelings on this.

Riding in a car with someone is a life and death issue every single time, even though most of us don't give it a thought until we have a close call or an accident.

If we condition our children to disregard their own instincts at a young age, how do we teach them later to make wise choices when getting into someone's car?

It does not sound like your DD is being unreasonable.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by lilyka

anyone else feeling a sudden compulsion to go out and clean their car. mine, as always in the dead of winter, is moving into biohazard mode. I need to find a warm place to go clean out my car....vaccuum....shampoo....

Yes! It's not horrid but there's no reason for me to leave toys and clothes in there! Last year I paid $130 to have it detailed at a local place. I think I'll be scheduling that soon...it's been a year.

Last year, the owner called me "the french fry lady"! At least I won't have that title anymore!

[Irishmommy]

From your first post my answer was that you were rude to say anything, and that your dd can suck it up if she wants to go.

From your second post, my answer is that you had to be honest when asked, and that your dd has a very valid point, and I wouldn't let her go in the car either.

Moral: put ALL the info in the OP.