almost 3yo: "don't talk about it!!"

[esmejoy]

This seems to be my son's favorite new phrase Said in a couple of situations -- for example, when he has just hurt himself, or sometimes when I've just reprimanded him. Well, "reprimanded" is pretty strong for the way I usually talk to him, honestly -- for instance, today he stepped of of the curb into the street, and I said "Oh, P, that's not safe! Come back on the sidewalk!" and got a big grumpy face and "don't talk about it!" in response. Or when I tell him he needs to be more gentle with his grandmother. Or when he falls and I ask "Are you OK?" I get the same thing -- sometimes he'll even run away and act embarrassed AND mad about the whole situation. Or if his feelings get hurt -- same response.

I understand that "talking about it" is often *not* what 3 year olds need -- BUT -- I'd love to have some alternatives for dealing with the situation at hand! One reason I think I'm so sensitive to it is that I grew up in a family where emotions were NEVER discussed, and I'm trying to be a better model for him. So I don't know -- is this just a normal 3yo (boy?) thing -- or something I should be paying more attention to? I've learned not to say much in response to his routine bumps, and wait for him to tell me what he needs -- but today, for instance, I accidentally kicked him right in the head, hard enough that he cried, but he wouldn't even let me say I was sorry!!

Would love any input on this particular situation -- but also advice in general on talking with young children about emotions.

thanks!

[esmejoy]

bump? anyone?

[fritz]

My almost 5 yo is exactly the same way! =) And that started around 3, when he stopped having me automatically pick him up to comfort him. I, too, have learned to give him time and space before I ask him if he's okay. B/c he'll want me to check out his head to see if it's bleeding (following a collision with a door jamb that split his skin--so now every time he bonks his head he asks me to check). DH, despite my frequent reminders to give DS a minute to process the pain first, still immediately (or after 30 seconds) tries to get information from an upset DS. And that gets DS more upset. So then he usually runs down the hall and throws himself on the floor to cry by himself.

I'm like that, too, though. If I just bashed my knee, I really don't want to talk about it right away. I might want to curse or cry, but until I've had a chance to process it, and the initial shock wave of pain has faded, I REALLY want to be left alone.

As for the embarassment factor, I figure DS is part cat. He doesn't mind being the center of attention when things are going well, but if something goes wrong, he doesn't want to feel the weight of our stares (even though we're looking at him with love and concern and not in ridicule).

The key to discussing anything with other people, particularly little kids, is to wait until they're calm. It'll be far less frustrating for both of you if you save the talking (or puppet play or role play) for later. Identify emotions when you're feeling them, guess what emotions your DS is experiencing (you look sad/mad/happy). Point out emotions in books you read or TV you watch. Look through your photo albums and talk about the captured emotions and why the people in the pictures might have been feeling that way, and what they might have done about it.

You could also check out some books from the library (last year we checked out a ton of books, not all at once, about being mad). It seemed to help DS to realize he's not the only one to get angry; that it's okay to get angry, but there are better ways to express it than trying to hit somebody.

[4evermom]

Originally Posted by fritz

As for the embarassment factor, I figure DS is part cat. He doesn't mind being the center of attention when things are going well, but if something goes wrong, he doesn't want to feel the weight of our stares (even though we're looking at him with love and concern and not in ridicule).

That's a good analogy.

My ds is the same way. When I say anything vaguely corrective, he says "stop yelling at me!" What he means is "I realized that. You don't need to tell me and call attention to my mistake."

With injuries, he likes to assess the situation on his own, first. Then he'll tell me if he needs something like a band-aid. Some of that might also be not wanting anyone to touch near an injury and make it feel worse, the way many people try to wash an injury.

You might want to read Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys.

[pbjmama]

I don't think it is abnormal. Embarrassment is common at this age. He is trying to tell you how he feels but he doesn't have the proper language yet.

I think you might be able to solve this with some change in language and tone.

"Oh, P, that's not safe! Come back on the sidewalk!" could be "this is a parking lot, lets stay together." said before anything happens.
Or when I tell him he needs to be more gentle with his grandmother. "Grandmas need lots of gentle touches. When we get in her house I'm going to give her a light kiss on the cheek"
Or when he falls and I ask "Are you OK?" could be "oh, that looked like it hurt"

You could also ask him how he felt after giving him choices like "oh I can tell you were upset. Did you feel mad or sad?"

[OceansEve]

My 3yo girl does the same thing only she uses "leave me alone". I try to explain to her that its okay to feel embarrassed, it's normal, that mama feels that way sometimes too. I think its a normal phase that they just have to work through. I think this method is making some headway but slowly.

[esmejoy]

Thanks, everyone! Useful suggestions/perspectives.

I'm in the middle of Raising Cain right now...

I'd like to hear more about how other parents deal with their kids' embarrassment -- it's SUCH a difficult area for me. I think I'm torn between respecting my son's evident need for privacy/distance and my overwhelming desire to have him NOT experience the kind of embarrassment (and shame) that I did throughout my own childhood. I know it's not really an either/or situation, but I just feel somewhat unequipped to deal with what is, after all, a normal emotion. I think, as has been suggested, that the best thing to do is to try to talk/read about it during a stress-free time.

I'm curious if this is something you've seen kids evolve through, and what that might look like at different ages.

-esme

[Bug-a-Boo's Mama]

K will sometimes say 'I don't want to talk about it' or 'Don't say that'. Mostly it is after getting in trouble. Occasionally if the answer isn't what he wants he might also say them.

In the case of being in trouble, he knows he did something wrong and doesn't want to talk about it.