Saying NO to smokers who want to hold?

[Raene]

Do you say no when smokers ask to hold your baby, and if so, how do you phrase it? My baby seems to have an allergic reaction after smokers hold her and I want to say no, but one of my co-workers worships the baby and wants to hold her every time I bring her in.

Anyone have advice here? It's such a hard spot to be in. I'm not very assertive...

[sapphire_chan]

" I'm so sorry, her pediatrician says I need to be extra careful around third hand smoke after she reacted to my imaginary smoking relative. Can you believe that imaginary smoking relative tried to insist that I ignore the doctor??? I'm so glad you're more sensible than that."

But that's passive aggressive, and I'd do my best to just say "I'm sorry, she reacted to something in your clothes the last time you held her. I know you understand. "

Could you have the baby in a sling so it looks difficult to take her out? Could you get her to nurse the whole visit?

[mommy2maya]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

" I'm so sorry, her pediatrician says I need to be extra careful around third hand smoke after she reacted to my imaginary smoking relative. Can you believe that imaginary smoking relative tried to insist that I ignore the doctor??? I'm so glad you're more sensible than that."

But that's passive aggressive, and I'd do my best to just say "I'm sorry, she reacted to something in your clothes the last time you held her. I know you understand. "

Could you have the baby in a sling so it looks difficult to take her out? Could you get her to nurse the whole visit?

I don't think that is a bad thing to say at all. By putting the blame on the dr, you aren't offending the friend, also by making the imaginary relative the one who seems unreasonable implies she thinks the friend is totally reasonable, and wouldn't want to harm the baby.

[hakeber]

Just say: I am sorry, but you smoke, the answer is no.

If she pushes it or looks offended or put out then explain:

The residue, the tar and smoke particles, on your hair and skin and clothes is dangerous to developing lungs. I can smell it from over here, and you're not holding me thereby forcing me to breathe in the loose particles. Unfortunately, the last time I let you hold her she had a bad reaction a few hours later and it would just be irresponsible of me to hand her over to you or any smoker again. It's a shame you choose to smoke, but I just can't risk it. This is not in any way personal, okay, I just won't let any smokers hold her again.

Being an ex-smoker myself I can say confidently that while it IS an addiction, smokers CHOOSE to smoke, and it is their god given right to do so, but that comes with consequences, like not being able to hold babies and having to stand outside in the rain, sleet or snow, or scorching sun to enjoy their nicotine. She'll just have to be a grown up about it.

[slimkins]

I think you said it all in your second sentence. No need to apologize or tip-toe around the subject when your baby is actually having an obvious negative reaction. Even if she thinks you are overreacting, you know you aren't. Enough said.
I use to smoke (quit when I found out I was pregnant and my husband just quit at the beginning of the year), so, I'm far from being someone who hates smoke. With that being said, I would never question a mama that was trying to keep her little baby safe and healthy.

[j_p_i]

I simply say, "I'm sorry but my daughter is quite sensitive to smoke". I haven't run into this much, but people have been understanding when I've said it. I'm not terribly assertive either, but this hasn't offended anyone yet

[earthmama369]

"Doctor's orders. Anyone who wants to hold the baby needs to fully shower first and change into clean clothes to avoid exposure to cigarette smoke. The chemicals stay on your skin, hair, and hands until you wash thoroughly, and baby's skin is so thin, he can absorb them just from contact." We weren't mean about it, just very matter-of-fact.

This is what we told MIL and it was true. And she did. You know what? It turns out to be a REALLY good thing we held that line because ds IS allergic to tobacco smoke. He has a nightshade allergy -- tomatoes, eggplant, peppers, potatoes, and tobacco are all nightshades. We didn't know this before he started solid food, we only knew he got a little wheezy and uncomfortable when he caught a whiff of smoke when we were out and about (like, walking down the sidewalk past a smoker).

[tzs]

i hear you!
i was wondering the same thing just the other day. my FIL came over to visit my dd and reeeeeeked of smoke.
the thing is, my husband also smokes. it's a tough spot b/c although i've told my hubby to watch it when he goes upstairs to the smoking "cave" and comes down really stinky, i really don;t want to do anything more to inhibit his bonding with her, i feel; like there's been so little of it and it might be lack of confidence so i don;t want to shake it any more. i was really more strict about wanting him to change when she was a newborn and risk of SIDS was higher.
but my FIL is another story. i could care less if he never holds her when he's all smoky (which is always). but his daughter who has 5 kids and is very natural minded seems to have no problem with it so i'm expecting resistence if i ever get the guts to say anything. ugh.

[mommy2maya]

There is nothing wrong with insisting your dh wash up and change after he smokes. The smell lingers and is terrible. I used to smoke, and dh still does, and honestly, the smell is so nauseating!

[lkmiscnet]

Third hand smoke. It's been in the news last month. You are right to protect your children. Here's the ammo...

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/01/03/he...h/03smoke.html

[akind1]

I might be the lone voice of if not dissent, then difference; in the case of your co-worker, the above should work, definitely, and since your DC has a reaction to it, I think it is perfectly reasonable.

Now, both of my parents smoke, as well as DH's. We might have to start towing more of a like with his, as they smoke in their house - but never while holding the baby! - but I am not sure quite how to do so; even if they don't smoke while we visit, the smoke is on their clothes, furniture, the air in general . . . we can't NOT visit them. Thankfully DS has not reacted to it really, but his clothes and blankets smell after a visit.

My parents smoke outside, and therefore less often in general, so their clothes usually don't reek as bad, and their house smells normal. I would have a hard time telling any of the grandparents that they couldn't hold the baby - a co-worker though is a different story

[Sharlla]

Well I don't say no. If I did then none of my family would be able to hold her