Taking a 4 1/2 yr old to memorial service

[hopeandolive]

My STBex husband does not think it is "appropriate" to take my children (ages 4 1/2 & 18 mos) to a (church) memorial service for my father (who passed away 2/12/10). My father was cremated and there will be a discreet box with a cloth over it (there is no body to view etc, there was no funeral service/calling hours). I spoke to the minister and he invited me to bring my children along and assured me there would be nothing "scary" about anything said that day. Obviously leaving the decision up to me, but assuring me that they were welcome should I want to include them.

My plan is to have a friend come along with me and should my baby fall asleep on the way there (she will sit in the car with her so we don't need to wake her etc) or if both kids are awake and I bring them in to the service she can take them in another room if one of both get antsy and don't want to sit through the service.

There will be a reception following the service which will include family from my dad's side that I don't get to see, nor do my children get to see very often. Some they have never met. And I want them to be a part of this as well.

This is all taking place about an hour from where we live. So if I want to include them in the reception part of the day it would be impossible to leave them with a sitter and still be able to include them.

For the most part I am a single parent in all sense of the word, very seldom does stb ex voice his opinion in my parental decisions, but he strongly disagrees with me on this and I see nothing wrong with wanting to include my children in this day. I have spoken to my 4 yr old about things (in language she can understand) since my dad became sick and about events when he was in the hospital and we talked about her grandpa dying etc. I explained the service would be a tribute to her grandfather and that some people may cry when they remember her grandpa, but that they are just sad and they will miss him like we do. And that it is ok to be sad when people we love are no longer here.

I would not feel so strongly about bringing them if this was a random friend or distant relative, but this was my dad and their grandfather.

Please let me know your thoughts or opinions.

[Kirsten]

In the situation you describe (no open casket viewing and with a friend along for back up childcare if needed), I would take them to the service. Why does your stbx think they shouldn't go? What exactly are his issues with it?

[zeldamomma]

My MIL passed away when my oldest was 3, and she attended the open casket memorial service. It didn't scare her, she got to say goodbye, and her presence was a great comfort to many.

Memorial services are family occasions, your children are part of the family, and so it is entirely appropriate to bring them to the memorial service (assuming you feel up to parenting them during the service).

[LionessMom]

i just took my almost 3 yr old and 4 mo old to my great aunts memorial service. DD1 sat with her grandma and i had to take the baby out to the hallway bc she was hungry. DD1 was very good. i would def take them to their grandparents memorial service. i am sure they would be ok. i dont really understand what your stbx's problem with it is.

[newbie_mary]

My father died last fall, and I was in a real quandry because everyone who would babysit for 3.5-year-old DS during the service wanted to be at the service, and I knew that I would be a disaster and unable to parent. We ended up talking to the minister and he contacted the woman who babysits for the church nursery, who was more than happy to come in and play with DS in the nursery during the service. We tipped her $20 for the favor. AFterwards, he came to the reception with the rest of the family.

My child would not ever have sat through that service, and I was an absolute sobbing mess, so it was an easy decision for me to not have him there. He wouldn't have understood most of it, anyway - it was a very religious service and we don't go to church. When he was 2 and his great grandma died, DH took him up to see the open casket and he was not at all traumatized. I was, though, a bit, having never seen an open casket before...

[pauletoy]

My father died in Oct 2008 my kids were 6,4,2, and 4 months. They did not attend the funeral because I knew I would not be able to give them the support they would need during a very emotional service. We did go and get the kids for the lunch that followed. We also took them to the cemetary that evening so they could see the pretty flowers and take one home. To give them a chance to say goodbye to papa, we bought a tree and a gardenia (my dads favorite) and planted them in our front yard. The kids drew pictures for my dad which we buried under the tree. We each took turns telling our favorite memory of Papa and then we each tied ribbons around the tree. It was beautiful. Now we can all look out the front window and see "Papa's Tree". I wouldn't change anything. The kids have very positive memories of my dad and our private memorial service.

I would get your friend to keep your little ones during the service and let them join you during the reception. This would be a great compromise between you and STBX.

[pauletoy]

I forgot to add, I am very sorry for your loss.

[JunipersMom]

So sorry for your loss. I had a good friend pass in October and being a single mother I brought my 18 month old and my 4 1/2 year old to the open casket memorial service with me. It was not easy in the slightest -- from my 18 month old hiding under tables and then my 4 1/2 year old asking if she could go and play with Tony now (my friend who passed). They never act that way normally - I think they were confused and feeding off of my grief.. needless to say - we didnt stay long and it was really not the good by I was hoping for. Next time I would definately bring someone with me who could take my kids out (and maybe to a totally different location) so that I could have the time and space to say my goodbyes. Hope it works out for you.

[possum]

My 2.75 yr old son went to two funerals early on - 5 months and 13 months. If someone he knew and loved died, of course we'd take him along to the funeral/memorial service with us. Death is part of living, and we want to teach him how we deal with all parts of life including those sad times when we lose someone we love. At one funeral in particular, I was told that my son was a great comfort to see - his bright face and beautiful spirit lifted the heavy hart of a family friend.
I remember going to my grandfather's and great grandmother's funerals when I was 4 and 5. They were people I knew and loved, and I remember feeling sad for my cousins who were not there. Now even more than then, I wonder what they thought and how they felt about losing my grandfather. Do they really feel like they had a time to say goodbye.
I think it's actually a bit disrespectful to children to underestimate their need to be at family gatherings like this and their ability to handle life.
I hope that you are able to discuss it with your STBX so that he can understand how important a time this is too.
Melinda

[travlr]

Of course you should take your children. Your plan to bring a friend to help out sounds perfect. I'm sorry for your loss.

[HappyTomato]

Originally Posted by travlr

Of course you should take your children. Your plan to bring a friend to help out sounds perfect. I'm sorry for your loss.

ITA. I took my 17 month old and 6 yr old to a memorial service for my brother that was cremated. My sister brought her kids too. It was a small private service and everything was fine. DH took our toddler out into the hallway when she started getting antsy. My 6 yr old was perfect and such a sweetheart through the whole thing. Afterwards, it was great to see my extended family and for them to get to see the children. We all went out to dinner together that night. We made the best of a very sad situation.

[KatWrangler]

Originally Posted by travlr

Of course you should take your children. Your plan to bring a friend to help out sounds perfect. I'm sorry for your loss.

I totally agree as well.

My Dad died Oct 2007. Both my kids did great (I was pregnant with number 3).

[lonegirl]

My son (3) went to his great grannie's Memorial service this past October. My husband was raised by her and we were all very close to her. He may not have fully understood but in a way he did, as he understood Granny was no longer with us but as he says "Granny is in my eye now" (like a twinkle in the eye). She too was cremated so there was only her urn up front and the memorial service was very nice with my DH, his dad and his aunt all telling tales of her life.
The year before he went to my grandfather's memorial...it was at an aunt's house and there was an urn in a place of honour....family tales were told, memories relived, tears shed....but I am glad he is with us at these ocassions.

[pauletoy]

Originally Posted by hopeandolive

very seldom does stb ex voice his opinion in my parental decisions, but he strongly disagrees with me.

This to me is the biggest problem with you taking your children. Their father does not want them to be there and he has just as much right to decide as you do. This is something that the two of you need to come to an agreement on.

[hopeandolive]

His reason for not wanting them there is "it will be too traumatic for them due to everyone crying" and "it isn't like they need closure". As I said, I explained everything I could to my 4 yr old during his brief illness and then when he passed we talked about that too. I told her that the service is where everyone who loved her grandpa will get together to remember him and that some people there will be very sad and will cry, but that it is ok to cry when we are sad.

I'm quite sure that no matter what I say he will not budge on his opinion, but he is actually the one that wanted me to "poll" people because he thinks I am absolutely nuts that I want my children to be a part of this.

[pauletoy]

Originally Posted by hopeandolive

he is actually the one that wanted me to "poll" people because he thinks I am absolutely nuts that I want my children to be a part of this.

If that is the case, show him all the responses. Maybe they will change is mind since no one agrees with him.

The only reason my children weren't at my father's funeral is because I couldn't handle it not because I didn't think they could.

I am praying for peace for you and your family!

[mama de dos]

I'm so sorry about your dad.

For what it's worth, I still remember not being allowed to go to my grandmother's funeral when I was 7. It seemed strange to me then and strange to me now that I wasn't allowed there, b/c my parents thought it wasn't "appropriate" for children to be at a funeral. They thought I wouldn't understand and would be too upset.

I felt very confused and left out, and didn't feel like I ever said goodbye to her. I was already upset by it all, and I think attending the funeral and seeing people be sad, but being told that was normal and ok, and we help each other through it, would have been helpful.

I recently took my 3 kids, ages 8, 6 and barely 3, to the funeral and reception for a friend's mom. My kids are friends with the deceased's grandkids (who were also all there) and I think it was good for them to see death as a part of life, to see how people mourn and celebrate the life of someone... how they pull together and grieve and comfort each other. And to see and hear adults being very sad, but still ok, you know??

It was strange at first to think about them going to a funeral, but as I thought through it and talked to others, it seemed a very natural and easy decision. There were also quite a few other kids there, who also did fine.

Just my 2 cents.

Peace and blessings to your family.

[lmk1]

Originally Posted by hopeandolive

His reason for not wanting them there is "it will be too traumatic for them due to everyone crying" and "it isn't like they need closure". As I said, I explained everything I could to my 4 yr old during his brief illness and then when he passed we talked about that too. I told her that the service is where everyone who loved her grandpa will get together to remember him and that some people there will be very sad and will cry, but that it is ok to cry when we are sad.

I'm quite sure that no matter what I say he will not budge on his opinion, but he is actually the one that wanted me to "poll" people because he thinks I am absolutely nuts that I want my children to be a part of this.

Death is absolutely a part of life (at least as far as I know, no one's escaped it). I think it's important for children to be involved in family events and not be sheltered from real life. Especially in this case, it seems that there's nothing scary. Yes, people will cry...that is NORMAL! I think too many kids grow up being sheltered from real life and being part of their families and learn about love and grief from the contrived situations they see on TV and movies.

I do wonder if your almost ex doesn't have some kind of bad memory associated with funerals that's driving his ideas about how appropriate this is for your kids...especially if he doesn't usually make parenting decisions.

I am sorry for your loss. I lost my father a long time ago after he was sick for a long time.

[Jessy1019]

I would definitely take them. My kids have gone to viewings and funerals (and a cremation), and mostly, they just found them interesting. We talked about what to expect beforehand (as much as we knew . . . the cremation was a first but was surprisingly less graphic than I'd expected).

If you and your husband are separated, odds are over the next 15 years or so, you're both going to make decisions that one or the other doesn't approve of for your children, and there's not really much that can be done about it from either side.

[minkleaf]

I am sorry for your loss. My father passed away in 2008, when my DDs were 19 months and almost 5 (he died the day before her birthday). There was no way I wouldn't have taken them to the memorial service, even though it was right during the little one's naptime. He was their beloved grandfather and they were 2 of his only 3 grandchildren. My niece also had her 12, 7, and 15 month old there. The only comments I got about the kids was it was nice to see the little ones being little kids and being lively. (The one-year olds couldn't sit the whole time and did a little wandering during the service). It was nice to have someone to take them outside during part of the reception though, so I could connect with all my parents friends without having to attend to antsy children.