My dad and grandmother both passed in 2008--August and November. My children were almost 4 and 19 months at their grandfather's service and just-turned-4, 22 months, and a 3 week old newborn at my grandmother's.
My children knew both of these people and were *very close* with my dad. There were open caskets even at both services.
My DH is from a totally different culture. It STILL was not a question as to whether or not our kids would be there.
They absolutely WERE there. And this is what I think--DD was too young to remember any of it or really understand any of it in the moment. While she was close with both the people during their lives, she does not remember them now.
DS1 on the other hand, who was almost-4 and 4, I think seeing the whole scenario including the burial, really helped him understand. He KNOWS where his "gramma" and grandpa are. He SAW them inside the caskets. He saw the caskets go into the ground. There was nothing traumatic to him per-se over the viewing. They looked like they were asleep. (Of COURSE I explained the difference, we had many conversations before and after about dying and not coming back and all that!)
I think that especially with my dad, who was part of his everyday life, that it was extremely important for him to be there! I don't think he would have understood nearly as well if he had not physically seen his grandpa and the burial. I think it really helped him to see that and know where his grandpa is. (yes of course there's talk about heaven and all that but I think the ritual and him actually seeing where Grandpa went helped.)
And it gave me a way to talk to him about it and answer his questions at a time where *I* of course was also grieving.
I just don't think it would have helped him at all to be locked away somewhere else rather than being a part of the family and our time to say goodbye.
My children knew both of these people and were *very close* with my dad. There were open caskets even at both services.
My DH is from a totally different culture. It STILL was not a question as to whether or not our kids would be there.
They absolutely WERE there. And this is what I think--DD was too young to remember any of it or really understand any of it in the moment. While she was close with both the people during their lives, she does not remember them now.
DS1 on the other hand, who was almost-4 and 4, I think seeing the whole scenario including the burial, really helped him understand. He KNOWS where his "gramma" and grandpa are. He SAW them inside the caskets. He saw the caskets go into the ground. There was nothing traumatic to him per-se over the viewing. They looked like they were asleep. (Of COURSE I explained the difference, we had many conversations before and after about dying and not coming back and all that!)
I think that especially with my dad, who was part of his everyday life, that it was extremely important for him to be there! I don't think he would have understood nearly as well if he had not physically seen his grandpa and the burial. I think it really helped him to see that and know where his grandpa is. (yes of course there's talk about heaven and all that but I think the ritual and him actually seeing where Grandpa went helped.)
And it gave me a way to talk to him about it and answer his questions at a time where *I* of course was also grieving.
I just don't think it would have helped him at all to be locked away somewhere else rather than being a part of the family and our time to say goodbye.
Hugs!
