Travel after baby arrives

[trumpcard]

DH and I are both teachers and often spend our summers at lake property 2000 miles away from our home. Our first baby is due in May and we are getting pressured by his family to make the annual trip to the lake in July. I am feeling like it will be a bit much for me to handle that kind of travel even if I can rest when I get there. Opinions?

[heidibgg]

I think it all depends on how you feel when July rolls around. Just remember to take care of you and not worry about pleasing others.

[jillmamma]

Do you plan to drive or fly? I have never flown with kids, but have done longer drives (400+ miles). After 4yoDD was born, we had to evacuate for Hurricane Rita (DD was 2.5 weeks old), and we drove 8+ hours to the in-laws. Not EASY, but we made it okay. The main thing was having to stop every 2 hours to get everyone to the bathroom, change diapers, and nurse. As long as her belly was full and clean diaper, she did fine in the car and slept most of the way. DS was almost 3 and also did fine.

[Cativari]

Do what you feel like when the time comes. I'm 2.5 weeks PP and I would be up for a trip if I had somewhere to go. That being said this is babe #3 for me and I know how I recover and know my limits.

[BetsyS]

I did my first road trip (only 4 hours, but alone) with ds when he was 5.5 months old. It took closer to 6 hours, but we did fine. And, I was glad to go. Prior to this, though, he screamed bloody murder in a car seat (from 6 weeks to almost 5 months), so that would have been torture.

When my second was 3 months old, we did a 9 hour road trip. That baby didn't mind the car, so despite lots of stops, we all did fine.

I'd be open to going to the lake. Might be a place where you could have lots of hands to hold your new baby so that you could rest and nap and care for yourself, too.

[beep]

I took my now 2-month-old son to see my extended family for 10 days a 1.5 hour plane ride away when he was 13 days old. I was advised against it by many people, but ended up being so glad I decided to go. In my case, it gave me some welcome company while having long nursing sessions and others around to cook dinner and run errands--without having the feeling of intrusive visitors in my small home space. It was also meaningful to introduce the kid to all his relatives and feel him welcomed into the family. I enjoyed having some older female relatives around, who were inspired to tell interesting stories of their own early motherhoods. And it was much warmer there, which was nice for a midwinter baby.

However, I think it could easily have been a nightmare if circumstances were different. I made (refundable) reservations in advance, but gave myself total permission not to use them if it didn't feel right for whatever reason. As it was, I was feeling really good postpartum myself other than my tiredness, and the kid was healthy. We had our own room and bathroom in my grandparents' home. I have generally easy relationships with my family, who offered help but without being pushy or trying to take the baby all the time (though each great-aunt did demand a turn holding him!). We also have a family culture of people doing their own thing during the day and coming together for the evening during get-togethers, so there wasn't a lot of pressure for us to be organized to do activities. If this had been a trip to my in-laws, around whom I feel less comfortable and who would have hovered around trying to make plans with/for us, I am certain it would have felt much harder and I wouldn't have wanted to do it.

We took the plane, and spent a little extra to get a direct flight. I can't walk, so there were double logistics with a baby and a wheelchair user. However, it went really smoothly, with the staff being very helpful and the kid nursing and sleeping nicely. We timed it to have some extra time in the airport for nursing and diaper changes, which was helpful and made us all pretty relaxed. In fact, the planning and packing took more effort than the trip itself.

All of this is not to say that I think the OP should go... you sounded like you were asking permission not to go. If so, you've got it from me. But I also wanted to share my experience of having it be nice to visit family with a small one.

[lunita1]

Originally Posted by trumpcard

DH and I are both teachers and often spend our summers at lake property 2000 miles away from our home. Our first baby is due in May and we are getting pressured by his family to make the annual trip to the lake in July. I am feeling like it will be a bit much for me to handle that kind of travel even if I can rest when I get there. Opinions?

Do you really mean 2000 miles? If that's an air trip fine. In the car? MAYBE if you can split that up into five days of travel... It depends on baby's personality. I think *you* will be fine to travel, but baby might hate the car seat. And even if he/she doesn't, you'll have to do regular stops to nurse and change diapers. It'll be slow. If baby screams every time you buckle the seat, it'll be torture.

[trumpcard]

Thanks for the responses. I guess in some ways I'm asking permission not to go but I want to be realistic about why I don't want to go. Right now I am feeling resentful that it is just expected that we will come without any concern for me being at very best 6 weeks postpartum and having a huge trip to face.

We normally drive and it is a 2.5 day drive with us putting 12-16 hour days of travel. There is no way that we can put in days that long with a nursing baby so the alternative is to fly. Flying will cost us alot and I will have to make plans in advance. Assuming I can get refundable tickets this will work. The trip by plane is about 3.5 hours and there is no possibility of a direct flight. We would drive 2 hours to get to the airport and three hours from the airport to get to the lake.

When we get there we share a 3 room/1 bathroom cabin with DH's parents and sister. It is beautiful and normally very peaceful and relaxing and I do enjoy my inlaws BUT they are not supportive of our breastfeeding plans and keep reassuring us that they won't have any trouble having an infant in such a small space since they know "tricks" to get her sleeping through the night.

So, I'm wondering if I will be up for all that travel and be able to face the challenges that would greet us when we get there. . .

[GOPLawyer]

Nope...no way, no how. The first 3 months...especially w/ a first baby, are hard. I would not want to do any of them away from my own home...especially w/ someone who isn't 100%, completely supportive of BF or w/ someone who seems a bit too happy to offer "tricks" IYKWIM.

BF is a learned skill...would you feel comfortable "learning" in front of them? How about everybody at the airport or on the plane?

For us...that time was bonding and getting used to the new family dynamic time. Visits w/ other people were fine but, IMO, extended stays w/ others just was NOT a possibility.

JMO. :-)

[MsBlack]

Um....no way I'd go under those circumstances. Particularly the circumstance of a smallish space shared by ILs who don't really support BFing, and are already planning to take over your baby's sleep schedule!

Sounds like there are a handful of considerations, including money and the inconvenience factor of getting there. You will be 'at most, 6wks pp'--which means, possibly only a month or so pp. You have no idea how your birth and early recovery will go, on a physical level; you have no idea now, how easily you and your LO will take to BFing. Stress is the worst thing for mamas and babies at that time--and it takes less to make for 'stress' at that time than any other. If you have to plan all this in advance....seriously, I'd plan for a relaxing summer at home, with ILs far away and unable to deter you from your BF plans Go visit a local lake if you need to...if you like the idea of getting away for a bit, maybe drive a couple hours to some sweet spot and chill with your baby and partner-- without all the travel and IL fuss!

[MsBlack]

Totally what GOP said!

[PreggieUBA2C]

Our latest traveling with a newbie was with ds4. My father had been in a devastating collision and my parents needed help. We drove for five days with a four week old baby. The drive was fine, my parents figured things out quickly for their days while my father couldn't walk and wanted to just be alone to be angry, and we stayed at dp's cousin's house. She and her family are veeeerrry relaxed and super respectful, so being with them was delightful. We ended up being there for eight weeks.

BUT it is very hard to be in someone else's space with a newborn. Even with it being our fourth baby, I was vulnerable pp both physically and emotionally and when dp was more intuned with the needs of his relatives because we were visting, it became very uncomfortable between us. In fact during that visit, I considered staying there and sending him home alone because I couldn't believe that he was so unaware and he became pretty impossible to reason with when he had the expectations of his family so immediately around us all the time.

I will never do that again. Post partum especially after the first baby, is not the best time to introduce old patterns and expectations of family that otherwise wouldn't be an issue, but when your immediate family is just forming and the relatives are not otherwise around you, it can be a disaster.

You don't know yet how and who you will be when your little one arrives. The dynamics of your little family will change and if your relatives have not been in close proximity for the process, you may find that the patterns of your dp's life with them before you were together re-emerge just at a time when you really need solidarity and not upheaval and re-evaluation of your values (bf'ing, baby sleeping expectations, etc...) that you thought were set or close to it.

I did not handle that well. I felt totally abandoned and I had three other dc to tend as well. It was a nightmare, and not because of the relatives, but just the dynamic that re-emerged between them and dp.

When we returned home, and I think I wasn't talking to dp anymore except for domestic things, dp realised what had happened with him and said something like, "What the hell was I on???" Like he'd just returned from some hallucinogenic trip instead of a trip to be with relatives.

You may not experience that, but it is very common from what I've seen and heard from others, so just to share so that if you hadn't considered it, you can be duly informed.

It seems more common with men too because they don't have the constant reminder of the baby on the boob to jolt them back into the present. I am not sexist, and I know that it isn't all men, but it is reasonable that it is easier to fall into an old pattern when there isn't a constant reminder like bf'ing the new baby that indicates the new life and way of living including the new values. It goes the other way for my dp when he needs me to dull my mothering/mama bear instinct for a bit and I just can't (like leaving dc with someone and then NOT talking about them constantly or NOT looking at every passing child and mother... yeah right. I'm guilty too!).

I wouldn't go personally. It's super early. Go the next year, and as a pp recommended, if you need to get away, do it with some close friends or by yourselves to somewhere not so far away so that you can return in decent time if you need to be at home. That nesting instinct from pregnancy is for a reason. You really need that nest at the beginning and depending on how things go, maybe for a long time before you're ready to leave it.

I wouldn't have expected ds1 to not sleep more than one hr at a time and only ten times per 24 hrs until he was 6 months old. You can't plan for this stuff, and I wouldn't make plans until the baby is born and I could assess our needs more accurately.

Just my 2 pennies.

[bjorker]

If you don't want to go, or think you won't want to deal with it, then don't. I think having a baby is a perfectly fine reason not to go!

That said, there ARE things I want to do this summer, and I'm due at the end of June/beginning of July, so I'm just going to pencil it in for later. If I feel up to it, I'll go, and if I don't, then I won't. I think the main thing is to do only what you feel you can handle, if you WANT to, and don't make any plans in stone.

ETA: Another reason for that is to gauge baby's personality after s/he is born. If I have a baby that hates cars and screams the whole time, you can bet I'm not going very far.

[beep]

Originally Posted by MsBlack

Um....no way I'd go under those circumstances. Particularly the circumstance of a smallish space shared by ILs who don't really support BFing, and are already planning to take over your baby's sleep schedule!

This for me would make it a no-brainer not to go.

[HonkyTonka]

I am also due in May with my first.

My cousin is getting married (15 hour drive away) and EVERYONE in the family is going. My mom has already made comments like, "you going to come though, right?"

I think we're going to play it by ear. If we're feeling adventurous and in good health and spirits, we'll take the trip... if not, we won't. That's what I'm thinking.

[russsk]

We traveled internationally with DS when he was three months. It was the best time to travel. He was still sleeping a lot and was happy as long as he was being held. I was feeling pretty good, and we had a blast. We're planning on another family trip when the new baby is about that age.

[MacKinnon]

With MY in-laws this would not be a problem, but my MIL breast-fed and co-slept with all three of hers for 2+ years, so she was totally supportive of what we were doing. Now, with my Dad and step-mom, NO WAY!! I think this is more about if you can feel supported and comfortable with your IL's, in a small space, then necessarily about the safety of travel. Would going for a shorter time, like two weeks rather than all summer be a possibility? It sounds like there are some red flags there in their willingness to accept a breast feeding, not sleeping through the night infant. That would be the no-go for me. Physically for you and baby, the travel shouldn't be a problem at that point, as long as you take frequent breaks to nurse, stretch legs, get out of the car seat (babies oxygen levels decrease after extend periods reclined in a car seat).

[Mosaic]

Originally Posted by russsk

We traveled internationally with DS when he was three months. It was the best time to travel. He was still sleeping a lot and was happy as long as he was being held. I was feeling pretty good, and we had a blast. We're planning on another family trip when the new baby is about that age.

Yup, that was us. We flew to Mexico for my sister's wedding... non-direct flights were actually better because an airport bathroom is way more comfortable than an airplane bathroom!

It WAS tricky... DD popped out her first 2 teeth in Mexico (at 3 months), and as a first-time mom I had no clue that babies could get teeth that early, so there was a lot of crying, refusing to nurse, awful diaper rash, etc., that we had to deal with for the first time in airports and Mexico. Plus the travel annoyances: our flights were delayed, and I was stuck in Atlanta late at night with a dwindling diaper supply and a miserable baby (due to the teething/diaper rash). Plus we CD and had tons of diaper blow-outs with disposies... let's just say we learned a lot on that trip.

I will say that the good thing is that travelling at that age is easy: all you need really are boobs and diapers! They sleep a lot, don't get into anything, and are happy as can be to just lay in your arms all day. Plus slings/carriers are more comfortable to wear all day with itty bitty babies.

[thefreckledmama]

I definitely wouldn't go under those circumstances. I would plan a nice "staycation" close to home with your husband, and enjoy the time your family of 3 will have over the summer.

[trumpcard]

Thanks for all the replies. It sounds like physically I could do it but that emotionally it may not be a good idea. I think I already knew that emotionally I wouldn't be able to handle the conflict about breastfeeding and co-sleeping. I was kind of hoping that I could use not being physically recovered as the excuse not to go but maybe I will have to address it another way.