children at memorial service for their grandfather

[hopeandolive]

x-posted in "the childhood years"

My STBex husband does not think it is "appropriate" to take my children (ages 4 1/2 & 18 mos) to a (church) memorial service for my father (who passed away 2/12/10). My father was cremated and there will be a discreet box with a cloth over it (there is no body to view etc, there was no funeral service/calling hours). I spoke to the minister and he invited me to bring my children along and assured me there would be nothing "scary" about anything said that day. Obviously leaving the decision up to me, but assuring me that they were welcome should I want to include them.

My plan is to have a friend come along with me and should my baby fall asleep on the way there (she will sit in the car with her so we don't need to wake her etc) or if both kids are awake and I bring them in to the service she can take them in another room if one or both get antsy and don't want to sit through the service.

There will be a reception following the service which will include family from my dad's side that I don't get to see, nor do my children get to see very often. Some they have never met. And I want them to be a part of this as well.

This is all taking place about an hour from where we live. So if I want to include them in the reception part of the day it would be impossible to leave them with a sitter and still be able to include them.

For the most part I am a single parent in all sense of the word, very seldom does stb ex voice his opinion in my parental decisions, but he strongly disagrees with me on this and I see nothing wrong with wanting to include my children in this day. I have spoken to my 4 yr old about things (in language she can understand) since my dad became sick and about events when he was in the hospital and we talked about her grandpa dying etc. I explained the service would be a tribute to her grandfather and that some people may cry when they remember her grandpa, but that they are just sad and they will miss him like we do. And that it is ok to be sad when people we love are no longer here.

I would not feel so strongly about bringing them if this was a random friend or distant relative, but this was my dad and their grandfather.

Please let me know your thoughts or opinions.

[gossamer]

I don't think there is anything wrong with allowing your children to experience death and the rituals we observe in a very loving, concrete and compassionate way. Death is a reality. Death is inescapable. Before they die, they will experience the death of a loved one that you cannot shield them from. Why not let them learn some of the lessons of death, funerals, receptions etc... surrounded by people who love them who are able to comfort them?

[Magelet]

I say take them, but also take a friend. that way, if the children ARE upset by it, the friend can take them out to go play outside or something, and you can stay. I was 5 and 6 when two of my grandparents died, and while I certainly don't remember everything of their funerals, I do remember peices of what I was allowed to go to, and am very very glad now I was able to go. I wasn't allowed to go to other peices (the burials, etc), and wish I had (at least, I wish this as an adult). I don't know whether or not I understood what was going on, but I'm glad that I was there.

(and I very much remember the headstone unveiling for my grandfather, which is important to me. (headstone unveiling is a biggish event in jewish custom).

[NiteNicole]

If you can go and take a friend for an extra pair of hands, I think that is perfect.

I am so sorry for your loss.

[earthmama369]

I would bring them, and a friend, if possible.

We made the same decision when my great-aunt passed. DD was 4 and DS was 2. We met with STRONG opposition from a few family members, and it almost caused us to rethink, but in the end, we decided that for our family and our kids, the closure and inclusion the ceremony would bring to them was the right choice. The service was lovely. Afterward, everyone who had had objections approached us and said that not only did the children handle the ceremony very well, but that having the children there turned out to be an unexpected comfort. They're on the other side of the wheel, you know? -- a reminder of the beginning of life.

[*bejeweled*]

Yes, I agree that you should take them.

Originally Posted by gossamer

I don't think there is anything wrong with allowing your children to experience death and the rituals we observe in a very loving, concrete and compassionate way. Death is a reality. Death is inescapable. Before they die, they will experience the death of a loved one that you cannot shield them from. Why not let them learn some of the lessons of death, funerals, receptions etc... surrounded by people who love them who are able to comfort them?

[sophiesgrandma]

My MIL passed away a few weeks ago and my daughter did bring my 4 year old grand-daughter to the funeral service and and internment. She explained everything in a way she could understand and told her exactly what would happen.
She was the only child there but a comfort and brightness everyone seemed to enjoy. I thought it went very well. The key is be prepared.

[anj_rn]

My rule is No open casket = ok for children
Open casket = no kids

[frontstreetmama]

I was about 4 or 5 when my great aunt passed away and I was so UPSET that they left me with a sitter instead of taking me to the service. I remember it vividly to this day.

When my grandfather passed away when my daughter was one, I took her. I have always taken my children. I have a contingency plan like you do and I feel that it is a part of life that is not meant to be hidden away. Ch

[Ellien C]

Completely appropriate. I brought my then 4-year old to the memorial service for her grandfather 3 years ago and again to the service for her uncle this year.

I have also taken her to an open-casket viewing for a friend who was killed quite suddenly in a car accident.

[greenmansions]

I took my kids to my dad's wake and there was a memorial service then. I did not take them to the funeral itself just because it was really really cold and snowy outside and I did not have appropriate clothing for them (we came in from out of town), plus it was going to be a long day. My SIL brought them to the dinner that was held afterward. Through both events, they got to meet a lot of relatives they had never met, and I hadn't seen in years, so it was very important for them to be there. Plus it gave them closure and understanding about it all.

They were almost 3 and 4 1/2 at the time. Casket was open and they were OK. They drew pictures to put in the casket for him, and went up to say goodbye and look at him several times. They asked some questions and I answered them.

I wish I had been able to take them to the funeral service. I think they would have benefitted from seeing the burial, but it turns out it's done differently nowadays and they bury them later, going around and doing everyone for the day. (I frankly would have preferred to see the burial too. I didn't know we would not be present for that.) About a month ago, there was a little ceremony and burial held for a school pet, and they both had lots of questions about it as related to their grampy.

[liliaceae]

Absolutely bring them, as long as they want to go. I think the rest of your family will appreciate having them there as well. What are your STBX's objections to bringing them exactly?

[Dmitrizmom]

I took my kids to my grandmother's funeral when they were 4 and 2. We went to the funeral home for the viewing and then to thefuneral mass then to the cemetary for the burial. They both did really well.

Also to them at almost 7 and 4 to my dh's grandmother's open casket viewing/memorial and again they did really well. Ds, who was almost 7, asked to have pictures taken of them standing next to her casket. It was his way of saying goodbye and having something to remember her by.

At both, people were glad to see the littles there. As a pp said, it was a reminder of the circle of life and continuity.

[pauletoy]

Originally Posted by hopeandolive

very seldom does stb ex voice his opinion in my parental decisions, but he strongly disagrees with me on this and I see nothing wrong with wanting to include my children in this day.

The children's father does not want them to attend the memorial service. Is there anyway you can get him to change is mind or is he just absolutely against it?

Of course the children should be included in the service, if that is what both parents want. The children can be included in the day without actually attending the memorial. I would have my friend keep the kids during the service and then let them join you during the reception, if you can't get the father to agree to them attending the service.

[kcstar]

I brought DS to both family funerals in the last 7 months.

For my grandmother's funeral in September, DS was just about to turn 2 and my in-law's stayed with him in the cry room. He could see & hear everything, and still play without disrupting everything.

For my mother's funeral this month, my MIL was preparing for chemo and unable to help. We kept DS with us. He couldn't stay still the entire time, but DH took him to the back, and up to the choir loft for parts of the service, and I nursed him in the back row for part of the service. It wasn't perfect but it worked out okay.

The reading I've done in preparation for my mother's funeral indicates that your four-year-old needs the opportunity to grieve. If she wants to go, I would encourage you to take her. I have read that many children that age who are not allowed to go to the funeral end up resenting or regretting that lost opportunity.

When my other grandmother died, we were almost 6, almost 4, ~18 months, and third trimester. I remember the viewing. I think we went to the funeral, but my father skipped the gravesite burial. My sister (who was almost 4) has some memories of grandma.

I don't know what to say on the 18-month-old. I do not see a problem with bringing them, and thing including them is good, but they may need the opportunities my DS had to play/walk/be elsewhere for part/all of the service. Is there a relative you trust willing to stay with them in the back of the church?

[hopeandolive]

Thanks everyone.

The reasons my ex has given me are: "it is not appropriate to bring them. People will be crying and it will be traumatic for them. They won't remember it anyway. It's not like they need closure."

Try as I might, I really don't think he will change his position on this. However, I feel very strongly about them being there.

[ElliesMomma]

it's YOUR father who died, and these are YOUR kids. STBX means you are currently married to him, and pursuing a divorce? if so, it seems to me that there can be no "court order" that allows him to prohibit you from this, and you and the STBX are on the "outs" already with one another...
... i say: do what you want and bring them!
ps: my almost 4 yo would totally be coming with if i were in your shoes. it is *healthy* and appropriate for youngsters to experience the family rituals regarding death. the 1 yo won't necessarily remember it, but a 4 yo probably will.

[lorelei]

If you want them to be there- take them. My FIL passed away in June after being sick for pretty much all my kids' lives- who were 7, 5 and 1 yr when he passed.

FIL had an open casket service, which the children attended. They were fine. We allowed them to go say good bye, or not, as they wished. We did not push them in any way. They were sad, and I think it was strange to see him laid out in the casket- it was strange to me. But they are fine. They sometimes say they miss him, but they don't talk about the service, really.

We also went to the actual burrial with them, but that was on their request. Neither dh nor I really felt the need to go to that part, but our two oldest wanted to go, so we respected their wishes.

I doubt your kids will remember the service, or much about any of this time period, really. My mom's dad passed away when I was four, and I know I went to the service, but I more remember being introduced to lots and lots of people than if I even saw the casket.

My dad's father passed when I was 7, and that was hard for me. I didn't go up to the casket because he looked scary and plastic, and it creeped me out. I felt bad for years for being such a chicken. lol

Hth, sorry to hear about your dad. Good luck with your kiddos! I'm sure whatever you decide, you're acting in your kids best interest. I would imagine they might begrudge you later if you didn't take them to their gf's funeral. But maybe not. You never know w adolescents, everything is an injustice. lol

I would def take a helper/friend along though, just in case. Sounds like you've covered all the bases, mama.

[Cheshire]

Your children will learn to grieve by watching how you and your family handle this. By being open in your grief and explaining it in ways that are age appropriate you're doing your kids a huge favor so they don't have to be afraid of death when they grow up.

My second son died 12 hours after his birth. We brought our 4yo son to the hospital to meet his brother. He didn't understand what was happening (it was all a shock to us) but he wanted to hold him and see his feet and hands. We let him and we have pictures that I cherish of them together (his brother had already passed when our son arrived at the hospital and that may weird some folks out but unless you've been in those shoes...). Seeing and holding his brother made him real to him - he had waited so long to have a brother that he needed that closure.

Also, at the funeral he had the choice of going to the nursery to play or stay with us. He chose the nursery and then after the service we brought him into the sanctuary to say goodbye. He wanted to see his brother in the casket (we had him cremated after the funeral). He wanted to touch him and tried to understand what had happened. After we had all left the sanctuary, probably half an hour later, he went running back in. My sister followed him and said he wanted to see his brother again. Later when I asked him about it he said he just wanted to tell him goodbye one last time.

We learned through a counselor how to talk to him about death. We never told him that his brother was sleeping or had gone to sleep (she said this idea could be frightening to children, makes sense, they would wonder if the same would happen to them when they go to sleep). We told him his brother was dead - that his heart wasn't beating, his lungs weren't breathing, his brain wasn't thinking. All very concrete things. We are Christians and we told him his brother's soul had gone back to Heaven and was with God. He needed to talk about it a lot - wanted us to explain it over and over again as he got his mind around it. He would tell us his brother was coming back or that he wasn't really dead but we would again explain. It just took time.

The counselor also explained that he would ask about us, if we would die, and if so we needed to talk about it with him and not just try and gloss it over for him. When he did bring it up we explained that what happened to his brother was rare and that we expected to live very long lives ourselves, that he would be an old man and have kids of his own by the time we died. But, if we did die younger we had made arrangements for him - he would be safe and taken care of. He liked the idea of our wills, liked the choice of guardian we had selected for him and after wanting to talk about it a few more times he hasn't mentioned it since.

Now, one and a half years later he still misses his brother deeply but he has a very healthy outlook on life and death. I hate that he had to experience it first hand at such a young age but he was fully capable of grieving (and he did, many tears for his brother) and he understands so much more than I would have given him credit for if I hadn't seen it myself.

Honor your kids and give them the gift of understanding that death is a part of life - that we're very sad but that we can move through it. They understand it so much.

Maybe find some resources about children and grief for your STBX. Help him understand that you can't brush it under the rug and hope the kids don't notice. Maybe if he heard it from another source he would be more understanding???

Follow your heart. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 1/11/11 at 9:55am