I just finished reading ‘Unconditional Parenting’, and while I agree with most of it and understand what not to do, I don't really understand what TO do.
One part I didn't understand was that the ‘natural consequences’ technique is not a good one? Could someone explain this? If ds spills something for example, the natural consequence is that his drink is gone, and he needs to clean up the mess. He goes and gets the rag and wipes the best he can, and I help him clean up the rest. Then he can refill his cup with water from the fridge. Why would that not be a good way to handle that?
What is the best way to explain this to someone without making them read the book?
I live with my parents, and my mom watches ds one ½ day a week when I go to college classes. My parents are very active grandparents in ds’s life! I also have an almost 21yr old sister, who loves ds very much and likes to do things with him when she visits (she is in school an hour away), BUT she also teases him a lot, tells him to do things that he knows he shouldn’t do and doesn’t do except when she is around (like stand on the table or fart on the dog… ).
My dad also gets annoyed with ds for some things, and often will say something like ‘if you don’t stop____ then we are going to have to figure out some kind of punishment’ or he tells ds ‘if you ____ then you need to go to your room’ . I need to give him some alternatives on what to say to ds.
A few things ds does:
- drinks everyone else’s water, even when he has his own (just pretty gross b/c backwashes, this one really bugs my dad)
- When he is mad, he tells us to ‘shut up’ (word he picked up from my sister)
- sometimes will throw a tantrum b/c we tell him he can't have something, usually a food item that he is allergic to, I think its because he KNOWS that he will have a reaction, but wants to eat it, so he gets very upset. He will say mean things like ‘I don’t love you’ (something we NEVER say to him)
- pretending to shoot/stab people and pointing things at people. He picked this up from DISNEY WORLD from the pirates of the Caribbean stuff. Before that he was never exposed to such violence, and after that ONE time he has been on about it ever sense. He does not watch TV. This one REALLY bothers me and I don’t want him to even pretend to use weapons.
- with other kids, sometimes he will hug them/hang on them, he isn’t trying to hurt them, but usually the other kid has a problem with it. He also shakes his fist at kids he is mad at (while telling them something), which usually the other kids mom thinks means ds is trying to punch their kid.
- when he has to go potty, he will say so, and then run away and try and make you chase him. (only happens at home, he has been using the potty sense he was 8months old. He still needs help getting onto the potty b/c he is so short!)
For the most part, ds is a VERY good kid, he is easy going, always has been its just a few things we need to work on…
Sorry that was long!
One part I didn't understand was that the ‘natural consequences’ technique is not a good one? Could someone explain this? If ds spills something for example, the natural consequence is that his drink is gone, and he needs to clean up the mess. He goes and gets the rag and wipes the best he can, and I help him clean up the rest. Then he can refill his cup with water from the fridge. Why would that not be a good way to handle that?
What is the best way to explain this to someone without making them read the book?
I live with my parents, and my mom watches ds one ½ day a week when I go to college classes. My parents are very active grandparents in ds’s life! I also have an almost 21yr old sister, who loves ds very much and likes to do things with him when she visits (she is in school an hour away), BUT she also teases him a lot, tells him to do things that he knows he shouldn’t do and doesn’t do except when she is around (like stand on the table or fart on the dog… ).
My dad also gets annoyed with ds for some things, and often will say something like ‘if you don’t stop____ then we are going to have to figure out some kind of punishment’ or he tells ds ‘if you ____ then you need to go to your room’ . I need to give him some alternatives on what to say to ds.
A few things ds does:
- drinks everyone else’s water, even when he has his own (just pretty gross b/c backwashes, this one really bugs my dad)
- When he is mad, he tells us to ‘shut up’ (word he picked up from my sister)
- sometimes will throw a tantrum b/c we tell him he can't have something, usually a food item that he is allergic to, I think its because he KNOWS that he will have a reaction, but wants to eat it, so he gets very upset. He will say mean things like ‘I don’t love you’ (something we NEVER say to him)
- pretending to shoot/stab people and pointing things at people. He picked this up from DISNEY WORLD from the pirates of the Caribbean stuff. Before that he was never exposed to such violence, and after that ONE time he has been on about it ever sense. He does not watch TV. This one REALLY bothers me and I don’t want him to even pretend to use weapons.
- with other kids, sometimes he will hug them/hang on them, he isn’t trying to hurt them, but usually the other kid has a problem with it. He also shakes his fist at kids he is mad at (while telling them something), which usually the other kids mom thinks means ds is trying to punch their kid.
- when he has to go potty, he will say so, and then run away and try and make you chase him. (only happens at home, he has been using the potty sense he was 8months old. He still needs help getting onto the potty b/c he is so short!)
For the most part, ds is a VERY good kid, he is easy going, always has been its just a few things we need to work on…
Sorry that was long!
