Hearing on Tuesday morning and I am scared...

[sunfish21]

Tuesday morning (2 days before my due date) is the hearing. We are supposed to be dealing with the annulment (recently found out my "husband" never divorced his first wife); child support; and custody and visitation/placement. I am starting to get so scared! I have never done anything like this before and still can't believe that three years into my "marriage" with an almost 2 year old DD and baby boy due any day that this is happening.

I have a meeting with my lawyer in the AM and am sure she will fill me in on things--but right now I have no idea what to expect. Will she talk for me or will the judge be asking me things? What if, despite STBX's inability to work, or quit abusing various substances, or function for more than a couple of months at a time, he is awarded some kind of custody? We are asking for supervised visits only now...but he is an excellent con man (see part above where he is still married to his other wife).

He just realized yesterday that the hearing is more than the annulment, and he could be facing bigamy charges but I don't think that will come up at this hearing. When I mentioned custody, he said, "Well, 50-50, right?". Really? You can't take care of yourself! I asked if he had even read the paperwork before he signed it and he said he skimmed it. I reminded him that several weeks ago I had told him that we (my lawyer and I) were asking for supervised visits only and that is why he hasn't been alone with her since then. He said that we all better be ready because he will fight with whatever he can get. I asked if he was threatening me....

Sorry mamas--maybe this is a vent or if you have BTDT for any of this I would love to hear what to expect. I think my fear and hormones are colliding and the thought of my DD and this baby not even here yet having to deal with him makes me so sad.

[boobybunny]

Anticipation of the hearing always seems to be worse than the actual hearing. Breath, relax, smile, stay calm.

So please relax and give yourself a hug...


Keep your cool.. talk about keeping him in their lives but protecting them from his self distructive behaviors.. yadda yadda botta bing.. you know the drill.

Listen to your lawyer, smile and dress as to the nines as you can at 40 weeks.

Your goal is to look as non affected by his choices as possible. Remember you are the responsible, rational and legal one.

Know that whatever happens you are strong, beautiful woman doing the very best for your children.

[Theia]

Breathe deeply. I have not BTDT, but I imagine that your STBX is talking smack, like he has a plan and hasn't done jack towards getting it accomplished. Anyway, I'm sending you for this in the morning. Do come back here and hopefully share your victory dance with us.

You can do this!

[organicpapayamama]

Hugs mama! What a sucky time to have your hearing. I too have my divorce hearing scheduled for 3 days after my due date. Thats was way to close for comfort for me so I moved it up to about 3 weeks before my due date... still a little close but better to have it done before the baby is here. I too am scared since Ive never btdt. My ex wont be there so thats a plus for me to not be as stressed but I have no idea what to expect.

Your situation seems a bit more complicated since he has the married to two people thing going on. As a side note... my ex may have married his gf as well even though we are still married.... though thats not my problem I guess.

good luck and keep us updated.

[sunfish21]

Well, the meeting went well with the lawyer. She said that she will mostly talk for me but that they may ask me some questions. She seems to think that he will bury himself...but I am still nervous. She did think that the commissioner may appoint a guardian ad litum right away, which I was hoping to avoid, but maybe it will be a good thing.

The biggest issue is that STBX was the most honest with a counselor and a pastor, and I am guessing that neither want to testify against him. I understand that, but it would sure help me, becuase it seems mostly he said/she said without it. The lawyer seems reassuring but the fact that STBX has such a history of lying and being such a good con man it certainly concerns me that he will trick all of them, just like he fooled me, my family, etc...

Thanks for the support. It is a crappy time to be dealing with this. People IRL can't get past the "still married" thing and it gets hard to vent about the deception and fear over custody....they all assume he is too messed up and that I shouldn't worry about it.

[Super~Single~Mama]

You'll be OK. Take someone with you for moral support. They will not be able to go into the courtroom with you, but while you are waiting (and you will probably wait for a long long time) they will be able to keep you distracted. So take someone that will be able to distract you. You're lawyer will be with you too, but she will be busy talking to the other lawyer, and/or to the judge.

And, a judge likely will not want to separate the siblings - and baby isn't going with him anytime soon! You'll be ok. Keep your face straight while he talks to the judge (or his lawyer if he has one), don't show emotion, think about something else or rub your belly if thats relaxing to you.

I will be VERY surprised if there is not a guardian ad litum appointed for the children. You don't want to avoid that. And, you also don't want to avoid your children having a meaningful relationship with their father - you are just very concerned about (insert bad behavior here).

And, do you have a journal of all the times he's been dishonest? I doubt a clergyperson is going to be ABLE to testify against him - there is privilege there. A counselor also may not be able to testify b/c of privilege - but you may be able to force it if it was couples counseling. Ask your lawyer these things - it will likely differ based on where you are.

Try not to stress. You'll be ok. You'll deal with whatever the judge does. You'll find a way to make it work. IF the judge orders unsupervised visitation, you'll have to make the best of it - and it will be ok.

[missmich]

I haven't BTDT,but am in a complicated situation myself so want to offer you lots of :h ug

[sunfish21]

Originally Posted by thyra

You'll be OK. Take someone with you for moral support. They will not be able to go into the courtroom with you, but while you are waiting (and you will probably wait for a long long time) they will be able to keep you distracted. So take someone that will be able to distract you. You're lawyer will be with you too, but she will be busy talking to the other lawyer, and/or to the judge.

***My mom was going to come with me but no-one told us that she couldn't be in the courtroom. I wanted someone with me other than the lawyer.

And, a judge likely will not want to separate the siblings - and baby isn't going with him anytime soon! You'll be ok. Keep your face straight while he talks to the judge (or his lawyer if he has one), don't show emotion, think about something else or rub your belly if thats relaxing to you.

I will be VERY surprised if there is not a guardian ad litum appointed for the children. You don't want to avoid that. And, you also don't want to avoid your children having a meaningful relationship with their father - you are just very concerned about (insert bad behavior here).

And, do you have a journal of all the times he's been dishonest? I doubt a clergyperson is going to be ABLE to testify against him - there is privilege there. A counselor also may not be able to testify b/c of privilege - but you may be able to force it if it was couples counseling. Ask your lawyer these things - it will likely differ based on where you are.

***I have been journaling since September, but I have still been worried that it is just my word against his, as I doubt he will be forthcoming in front of the judge. He has decided that he fine and that others shouldn't be telling him what kind of help he needs.

***He does not have a lawyer and don't think he will be able to get one. He has burned every bridge he had left and hasn't been working for months now.

Try not to stress. You'll be ok. You'll deal with whatever the judge does. You'll find a way to make it work. IF the judge orders unsupervised visitation, you'll have to make the best of it - and it will be ok.

***I know that there is a chance he will get way more than I want him to have. I also know that he cancels many of our planned visits, so he might not be able to follow through with he is given. And I will document all of that too!