Looong post - advice would really be appreciated!

[annie2186]

**Mods - I would really appreciate this being left in parenting - because it is a "special" situation, and doesn't really fit into the blended or adoption forum ALSO, I would really really like as much advice as possible, since this is a big deal for my child. Move it if you MUST of course! Thanks!**

Ok - so a little background. I have been the "mother" figure in my stepdaughter's (although I consider her more of an adopted stepdaughter) life since she was a little under 3 years old.

Her bio mom had one daughter before K (my stepdaughter) who was adopted, then K, and now another daughter and another son with her now husband I guess, who she "kept" for lack of a better word.

With K she kept her until she was 4 months old, called up my DH and told him to either come get her or she was putting her up for adoption Needless to say my DH got her.

For the next 3 years it was pretty crazy for my DH and K - being a young single dad. He did a really good job - but there were a few times he asked her for help and it was a really bad situation. Just to put a few of the more tramatizing ones down;

1. one time bio mom had a fit when my DH came to pick up K and she started yelling and screaming that she wished she would have had an abortion etc. etc. (luckily K was waay to young to remember)
2. she would always pawn K off to family members and tell them that DH just "dropped her off and wasn't coming back" (not the case, he was just going to work)
3.friends of hers would come over and see K "playing" with bio-moms needles that she had already used to shoot herself up.
4. Her then husband told her to take Kayla from her maternal (bio-moms mom) grandmothers house while my DH was on a fishing trip with his dad and file papers that my DH had abused them. (K never saw her bio-mom at this point). My DH took it to court quickly - as my DH was enraged - and bio mom saw all of her family on my DH's side........she stood up and said "never mind I didn't want her anyways"
5. K was over the night her then husband hung himself in the garage.

JUST to name the most crazy ones. We have a letter from BIO MOM's mother (for the above mentioned custody case) with some very very disturbing things on it........the drama!!
Anyways - this is already long...........
I realize that she was young when she had K (17) and although that is in no way an excuse..........its a fact.

Fast forward 5 years with me in the picture and bio-mom totally out - K doesn't even remember her bio-mom AT ALL and there was noooo real effort on bio-mom's part (I mean like a phone call or two in the 5 years demanding she get to talk to her).
In Oct. of last year bio-mom filed for some sort of mediation in the court (she lives in another state now) and this happens;

My DH and I basically decide to just move on and give her a chance.
We ALL three came to the agreement to have bio-mom sign over her rights to me so I could adopt K, in return bio-mom would be able to send letters to K, have K give her letters - after awhile turning into phone calls which would turn into supervised vistits when bio-mom was here (family still lives here). I had a WHOLE plan of an adoption party for K - with bracelets for bio-mom, K,and me (the whole, "always in my heart" cliche - K loves all the girly stuff )
Sooooo - now almost 4 months later - still not even one letter. DH in Dec. made it really really clear that to start the process she needed to start sending letters and she said she understood...........still nothing!!!

WTF??????

If I had a child when I was still immature and I REALLY messed up and lost her and then was given the chance to get to know her again, I would be WALKING THROUGH FIRE to get to know my child!!!!

Not even a letter?

I, personally, need to give my step-daughter the whole story soon.........I haven't lied to her, but STILL.
Right now I am crying - because I have no idea what to do. WHY does bio-mom keep doing this?

Anyways - this is going on waaaaay to long. My main questions are;
at this point, even if we got a letter (which I doubt we are) I think we should say something along the lines of "keep em coming for a year, and we will start giving them to K" at THAT point.
Also - how would you go about "the conversation" with K - and I would really like to do something to make her feel really special (aka the adoption party and bracelet, which doesn't look likely now). I was thinking maybe a tatoo with her name or something and she can come with me and help pick it out?

UGH - life!! Thanks in advance for the insight!

[Sierra]

I actually think this would be a great topic in the adoption forum. A number of us have experiences there that would relate. Anyway, my children were adopted in foster-adoptions after we had established relationships (while caring for the children) with their "first parents." We have an open adoption relationship with ds' first family. When they enter into the picture, they enter in very eagerly, and want a lot, at one time. But then they go through periods of being out of touch. We try to maintain the relationship without creating a lot of expectations, and especially buffering ds against expectations. He is nearly five, and so far, takes the comings and goings in stride I think partly because we take it really day by day ourselves and try to be very low-key about it. We do keep pictures of his first family around, and gifts that they've given him. And we do talk about things in a simple, matter-of-fact manner.

While ds doesn't have a *cognitive* memory of his active relationship with his first family (never really any parenting there), I think he does have something of a visceral memory of his early life experiences. I definitely see that with my dd, who came to us at six months. She has in very clear ways been impacted by her early life. Speaking of which, I highly recommend some type of play therapy or something similar for kids who have experienced early loss (which any loss of a parent is) or trauma (and the experiences you describe certainly qualify). It is especially helpful for families trying to establish a shared language around the experience so that they can talk about it openly...which is most healthy. My kids have from very early on in life become familiar with the terms we have chosen to use, and the basics of their life stories. I think that is important for all kids.

Anyway, our general policy around letters is that we will share them on a case-by-case basis. We have a responsibility as our children's parents to hold off on giving the kids any letters, for example, that are highly inappropriate...which would really be the only reason we wouldn't share the letters until they were older. Otherwise, we are happy to share them but we are careful to just state matter-of-factly something like, "Oh look, you got a letter from ____, your first mom" or whatever. We don't ever imply that it means something in terms of longterm relationship, etc. Because we talk on a regular basis about our kids first families, this is not weird at all. Actually, I should talk about this in more of a singular term because we've only ever received one formal letter, and it had parts for ds, but more for us. Other contact has been more on an email, phone, and in-person basis, etc., and is mostly not from ds' first parents but from grandparents and so forth.

Again, I can't emphasize enough that it has been critical to the whole thing that we regularly and comfortably (more comfortable now that we are practiced) talk with the kids about this stuff and their first families.

As for the other thing, I think anything you decide to do would be sweet. If it means something to you and her...to your family...I think that is what is important. A tatoo sounds special.

[Sierra]

P.S. Basically I think you might have to shift from thinking about the relationship in linear, progressive terms, and more as a relationship with someone who has varying ability to participate actively in the relationship. The nature and specifics of contact can be adapted in various ways at any time to fit the situation, but probably won't follow a particular sequence.

[sarahn4639]

What a wild and stressful situation! So the adoption is off because the mom is NOT having contact? That sounds kind of backwards. I don't see why the adoption can't happen either way if bio-mom is still willing to sign over rights.

Also, I think your DH needs to be the one having this conversation with her rather than you. I think doing something special with her sounds lovely. I'd just say something, after the convo with DH, about wanting to spend some special time with her and ask her what she's like to do.

Best of luck!

[annie2186]

Thanks for the advice Sierra - I think it is great you have such a good attitude about the whole thing with your LO's...........the reason WE don't is because, since it was/is such a crazy situation we have had no dialouge about it at all with K - so hopefully one day we can get to the piont you are at.

Sarahn - I do plan on adoption at some point - but I think without bio-mom signing over her rights we will wait until K is 12 and can have a say. (of course, who knows what the future brings).

The reason I plan on being the one to have the conversation with her is because I am not a "typical" step-mom. K thinks of me as her mom and I think of her as my daughter. Therefore I feel we have a special bond and I would like to be the one to tell her exactly what my "relationship" is to her and field any questions.

That being said - I, of course, think my DH needs to talk to her as well about the whole situation.

[SunshineJ]

Honestly if you can show a pattern of no attempts by her to know or contact her dd, then I think your DH should move ahead and speak with an attorney about having her rights terminated. Even if she fights it, you have plenty of documented evidence against her, including the lack of contact and effort. One other thing to consider is that it will certainly come up that if she chooses to keep her rights then she may be required to pay child support, which may change her mind as well. Once that's out of the way, you can then adopt her. At some point the bio-mom may want to be a part of her life again, and you can evaluate that when it happens. It really doesn't sound like that's something that interests her right now though. Does K know that you're not her bio-mom? If so, then for now I'd leave it at that and answer her questions as they come up. If she's in a stable home (which she obviously is) and her bio-mom makes no effort to contact her, then I think that's a discussion that can be left for an age when she's better able to understand adult dynamics.

[Sierra]

Originally Posted by annie2186

Thanks for the advice Sierra - I think it is great you have such a good attitude about the whole thing with your LO's...........the reason WE don't is because, since it was/is such a crazy situation we have had no dialouge about it at all with K - so hopefully one day we can get to the piont you are at.

I think the attitude comes with time. It helps once you are settled into a finalized adoption and don't *have* to worry about your ability to manage the next bit of wildness. If it gets out of hand, we have legal rights to set limits.

I was assuming from your post that you have gone forward with adopting. It seems others did not pick up the same idea, however. If you have not finalized the adoption, like others, I would do that.

By the way, it was very weird for us too...talking about things with the kids early on. That's part of why we decided to start early. We figured it could only get easier with practice. You have to start somewhere.

Like I said, therapy can be very helpful in figuring out the ways that your little K needs you to talk with her about this stuff and developing a shared family language around the adoption.

It is true that we didn't have quite the level of personal relationship involved in the "craziness" with your K's mom (for example, a previous relationship between your dh and this mom or the abuse allegations). But each of my kid's cases have had their own kind of "craziness." These were adoptions that happened when our kids' parents failed to change the dangerous things they did to make their worlds safe for their children, so things were definitely swirling. I think I can relate to a pretty large degree to the wild ride you have been on.

Best of luck!

[annie2186]

Ok - so, as I read these posts - I have two basic questions......

1. K doesn't really acknowledge that I am not her bio mom - I think on some level she "knows" that this is the case. For example, I don't think that if I were to say something along the lines of her having two "moms" she would be surprised - I just think she has blocked that part of her life since she has such a stable home.
WOULD YOU open that can of worms if you were in my situation? Or would be wait until K was older/more mature. I think that since K has grown up in a very stable home since she was about 3 she has by-passed alot of the issues that would normally accompany a similar situation.
*****How would you go about re-visiting the fact that I am not her bio-mom or would you?*****

2. Would you make it easier for bio-mom to contact K? Basically DH and I said to start writing letters and she has done no such thing for going on 6 months now. I just asked my DH if he has heard anything from bio mom since Dec. and he said no.

So, to sum it up;

Would you even bring up bio-mom to K or no?
Should bio-mom have an easier time of getting to know K, or do you think she should do something to "earn" it?

[kcstar]

Originally Posted by annie2186

Ok - so, as I read these posts - I have two basic questions......

1. K doesn't really acknowledge that I am not her bio mom - I think on some level she "knows" that this is the case. For example, I don't think that if I were to say something along the lines of her having two "moms" she would be surprised - I just think she has blocked that part of her life since she has such a stable home.
WOULD YOU open that can of worms if you were in my situation? Or would be wait until K was older/more mature. I think that since K has grown up in a very stable home since she was about 3 she has by-passed alot of the issues that would normally accompany a similar situation.
*****How would you go about re-visiting the fact that I am not her bio-mom or would you?*****

When my aunt & uncle adopted their first child as an infant, they started working on a story they could tell him from his earliest age, something about how they went looking high and low and near and far for a child they could love, and they were able to bring him home and adopt him.

I certainly can remember when I was growing up, the story of a person finding out as a preteen / teenager that they were adopted was traumatic.


The other similar story I know, the young woman didn't find out until later in life that her "Mom" was her Grandmother, and her "big sister" was her bio-mom. I don't know whether she found out before or after she herself became a teen mom.

In sum:
1) I wouldn't bring up a whole lot about bio-mom, but I would be working on an age-appropriate story for you and your husband to tell her, regularly, about how you came to be her "mom" and how much you love her.
2) I think bio-mom should earn any contact she gets with K. Any letters you get, screen first.

[MrsH]

That sounds so hard! I'm glad that you and your dh are able to care so well for K - it's not always easy to open your heart like that when things are so crazy.

I'm going to strongly second Siera's recommendation for play therapy. We have found it incredibly helpful with our eldest, who is my sister's daughter. My dh and I also see a family therapist who is experienced with adoption/foster types of situations and she's been a super help to us. Even things like "do we tell J this or not?" such as you're asking about K. During our sessions, we first all meet together, and then J goes down with her therapist while dh and I stay with ours. We then meet up again towards the end. The common language has been helpful too, as we're able to continue our work throughout the week. We do this every two weeks.

As for contact with their first parents, their mom visits every three weeks (two if the third isn't possible) and calls every weekend. This is an arrangement she and I worked out, and which she has faithfully kept for the past year and a half. The kids know to expect her and know they can count on her. Their first dad on the other hand has a different arrangement. He wants to call every weekend but often doesn't. He wants us to visit him but we won't. We've invited him and he's come twice in the past year and a half and we've let him know that he is welcome to come once a month for a weekend. But he hasn't taken us up on that. We've even offered to pay. Anyway, any contact he has with them is super closely monitored whereas their mom has "earned" (if you will) far more unmonitored time with them. Funny enough, it's their mom that's willing to sign the adoption papers and not the dad. Anyway, I digress.

As K's "everyday mom," as we've been calling it, you certainly have the right and I would say responsibility to monitor contact with her birthmom. It doesn't sound like it'll be a very linear relationship that necessarily progresses though. It's ok to have expectations of regular, reliable contact prior to an in-person visit and if she is unable to do that, then she's unable. This might be hard for K to experience and at the same time our therapists always talk about how that's data for the child. It's information about why they don't live with her but with you instead. Again, counseling would help her to move through these feelings in a healthy manner, and give your whole family a way of talking about it and just having it be part of the daily fabric of your lives. We've found that to be healthier than pretending to be just a "normal" family, though I've been tempted many times!

All the best! And I hope an adoption can go through for you guys.

[annettemarie]

Hi, Annie! While I know you wanted as many people to see your thread as possible, I do agree with Sierra that this thread is a really good match for our Adoption forum. I'm going to move it over there, but I will leave a redirect here in Parenting so people will see it. Feel free to PM me with any questions or concerns!

[RedOakMomma]

I'm sorry her birthmom hasn't contacted her, but honestly...there are so many reasons (addiction, shame, denial, pain) that could be pretty legitimate reasons for not moving ahead with her side of the relationship. I think there are ways to explain the lack of a relationship to K if you try to approach it that way.

I've had similar thoughts of how to explain the lack of contact between dd and her birthmom (it's an international adoption, so different circumstances). Dd is unlikely to ever hear from her mom, even though we've invited contact. The simple truth is that it's hard for birthmoms to revisit the painful experiences of their past, hard to believe that they're wanted, hard to believe or see the reality of the situation. It's a huge source of pain, even for someone that isn't struggling (as it sounds K's mom might be) with mental issues and addictions.

Have you looked into making a lifebook? Some age-appropriate way, with photos usually, to tell your daughter's story to her? It's not easy to sit down and find the words to explain adult problems, especially around the issue of abandonment, but it's important.

I think telling her the story, now while she has a chance to grow into an understanding of something so complex, is important. If her first mom does decide to enter her life again at some point, at least she'll have a framework for understanding why the contact might be spotty, or confusing, or whatever. Kids are so perceptive...if you don't tell them the truth of what's going on, they're likely to make up a story themselves, and that could be far worse than the truth.

Best of luck to you.

[SundayCrepes]

I also highly recommend your husband consult an attorney and get biomom's rights terminated. If you don't, she could waltz in, spend enough time with your daughter that she could then go to court demanding equal visitation and make your life really misrable. I have seen this happen and it is not pretty what the dad had to put up with even though his wife had just taken off and left the two of them floundering.

I have a bioson and an adopted daughter who is too young to know what adoption is (he's 4, she's 18 months.) We just talk about the adoption in routine conversation, "When you were in my tummy and when the baby was in her Mama first name's tummy...) So, you could talk about when she was in her bmom's tummy. You could also talk about how she has hair just like her bmom. Don't invent stories and don't come up with excuses for bmom. "We don't know why she doesn't call," and leave it at that. I originally had all kinds of things planned to tell my daughter about her bmom. Although the stuff I know I can tell, there's a lot I don't know. If she asks those questions, we'll say, "We don't know. You'll have to ask your bmom." It's natural to want to make it easier, but you can't. You can only tell the truth of what you know.

I am a stepmom, too. You are this girl's mom. You and your husband must work as a team. Except for the legal stuff, where he must be the sole party, you must be partners.

We did the court thing with my husband's ex-wife. It was awful. Malicious Mother Syndrome is alive and well. Hopefully you can get her rights terminated without much problem. Then you can offer her as much contact as you feel is good. I'm a total believer in 50/50 visitation in normal cases. In this case of abandonment I think dad needs 100% legal custody and probably even physical custody with the ability to limit bmom's contact.