Strange 1st grader behavior, wwyd?

[Fuamami]

My dd has a close friend who is a little boy, I'll call him "B". They aren't in the same class, but they ride the bus together, and play at recess, and we have become fairly close with their parents. We are actually doing a daycare exchange, which is super convenient.

Anyway, today dd told me she was no longer friends with B because he pulled down her pants, tried to kiss her, and then punched her in the crotch. She also told me a few weeks ago that he had tried to "hump" her, but she didn't know what he was talking about and didn't let him. He's a young 1st grader, and she's quite a bit bigger than him. I kind of wrote this off, since she had no idea what it even was, but now I'm getting a little bit worried.

B's family has been through some pretty major stress lately, but they seem pretty stable in their marriage and home life. He is kind of a little firecracker, very bossy and opinionated, and makes up stories ALL THE TIME. Dd calls him a liar, I'd call him "imaginative". Anyway, I am kind of surprised about this behavior and wonder if it's a sign of sexual abuse, or just normal 1st grader behavior.

I know I have a 1st grader, but she has a much different personality than B and I'm just wondering if it's within the range of normal, or something to worry about, and what you wise mamas would do about it. I don't want to create tension with B's family, but it's kind of getting to the point where he's bullying her. I was seriously tempted to tell her to sock him one if he tried to touch her crotch again, but I've lectured about turning the other cheek for so long. What to do?

[pbjmama]

There are many reasons a child might do this sort of thing and one of them could be sexual abuse. My guess is that he has seen inappropriate stuff on TV or even in home.

Think about it this way - would you turn the other cheek when someone is intentionally hurting you or touching your body in an inappropriate way? Why would you expect your dd to ignore his behavior? Your kid trusts you and is telling you something is wrong. Listen to her. Ask her questions, find out more about what is going on. Ask her about the parents and her time at B's house. Are there ever other adults there?

I would talk to the other family. Zero in on your gut when you talk to them. You don't have to make it a confrontation, just a conversation. Hey, dd told me B tried to kiss her and it made her uncomfortable. I wanted to let you know about it. See what the response is and go from there. Maybe B caught his parents doing things he wasn't supposed to see? Or maybe you get an uneasy feeling there is something more to it.

In addition, I would probably run a quick check on the parents and any other adults in the house as well as the sex offender registry in your neighborhood.

[Anastasiya]

Before I'd suspect sexual abuse of "B", I'd suspect either somewhere he accidentally saw porn or it was shown to him by an older sibling or friend.

As for your daughter, I would tell her to run to find an adult the next time "B" wanted to take her pants off.

[Marsupialmom]

I hope these things were not all at the same time.

I show you yours and you show me mine is normal, BUT there are things that sound "not right" to me. Remember, your dd could be past this stage (or not had it). Usually, if one child says no the other child drops it.

There could be a logical explanation.....my child was the reason other kids learned what oral sex was. She walked in on dh and I in the act, at 2 am. A friend of mine's son asked another child wrestle naked---because he had seen his parents having fun wrestling naked.

If he has older siblings/cousin this can also explain "advanced" knowledge.

The kissing is very normal for the age, it was posted somewhere else at Mothering recently but it was the girl being the annoying chaser. Doesn't mean the chase should have to put up with it.

Also, there is a double standard about getting kicked/bunched in the crotch. You want to tell your dd to kick him in the same general area as he try to hit her. It is not a far stretch to think if one is ok why not the other?

This DOES NOT mean you shouldn't give her tools to protect herself. But hitting is to harsh in this situation. This child's motive isn't adult. This child might need help. Closer supervision is a must.

[One_Girl]

It sounds like normal first grade play. Kissing is a mysterious subject and it is common for little kids to chase each other and threaten to kiss them even if they don't watch innappropriate television shows. Hitting, pinching, and kicking also happen between young kids. I think you should talk to her about going to the duty teacher if he hurts her. You might also want to call her teacher and ask if she knows what is going on between the kids. My dd had a boy in her class who did things like this and when I called the teacher I found out that she was also sometimes the instigator (she sometimes even pinched him) and they both seemed to be very good friends. I was then able to have a more informed conversation with her about keeping her hands and her kisses to herself. The humping is odd, maybe he has seen dogs doing that and is doing it because of that. I would definitely mention it to the teacher and ask if she would be willing to ask his teacher to talk to him about not humping at school.

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

he pulled down her pants, tried to kiss her, and then punched her in the crotch.

I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound normal to me. Kissing I consider a normal, developmentally-appropriate thing, but pulling down her pants and punching her in the crotch? Not so much. I can't even imagine TV as the culprit because when do you see someone getting punched with her pants down (even for scenes with sexual violence, that's not common). I think it's something to address with the parents and then see where to go.

If this were my dd, I would tell her to hit him. Sure. I understand turning the other cheek, but when someone is pulling down your pants, I consider that an extraordinary situation. I'd never want my dd, even at that young an age, to think that someone pulling off her pants and then punching her in the crotch is something she should just take because maybe he didn't mean anything by it.

[Fuamami]

Wow, lots of interesting responses here!

For the record, I didn't tell her to punch him or hit him or anything like that. I told her he shouldn't do that, and asked her if she wanted me to talk to his mom. She said yes, so I'm going to try to have that convo this afternoon, since I'm watching his younger siblings today.Back later!

[Marsupialmom]

Originally Posted by VisionaryMom

I'm sorry, but this doesn't sound normal to me. Kissing I consider a normal, developmentally-appropriate thing, but pulling down her pants and punching her in the crotch? Not so much. I can't even imagine TV as the culprit because when do you see someone getting punched with her pants down (even for scenes with sexual violence, that's not common). I think it's something to address with the parents and then see where to go.

If this were my dd, I would tell her to hit him. Sure. I understand turning the other cheek, but when someone is pulling down your pants, I consider that an extraordinary situation. I'd never want my dd, even at that young an age, to think that someone pulling off her pants and then punching her in the crotch is something she should just take because maybe he didn't mean anything by it.

I will disagree with you. At 6 or 7 I would not advise that. Now as my daughter grows I would and have changed my advice, but situational. Groan kicking can do a lot more long term damage than intended. It should be reserved to when there is no other options. This girl has other options.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by Marsupialmom

I will disagree with you. At 6 or 7 I would not advise that. Now as my daughter grows I would and have changed my advice, but situational. Groan kicking can do a lot more long term damage than intended. It should be reserved to when there is no other options. This girl has other options.

Oh yeah, I really don't want her to try to hurt him. Neither does she, I'm pretty sure! She was bullied earlier this year and a few people (my dad included) suggested she punch the bully. The thought made her cry. She's capable of hurting people, like her brothers, but I don't think she feels good about it.

I think I will tell her it's okay to push him off as hard as needs to, or get away from him if he tries to pull her pants down. Like I said, she's bigger than him and she's way, way faster than him. So she can defend herself physically without really hurting him.

I am more interested in the opinions of whether or not it's alarming behavior, worthy of talking to his mom about it. I've kind of chickened out about over the afternoon. I just don't know her THAT well yet, and don't know how she will take it.

[Marsupialmom]

Fuamimi,

Have you talked to the school about it? Maybe the school's counciler? I am not a big fan of school involvement because they can over react but......it might be a peice to a puzzle they need.

I feel something isn't right. It might not be abuse, it could him acting out for the "Stress".

Yes, somethings are normal. Individually, no worries but when you add them together and the fact that your child isn't "playing" along (consentual) I would be worried.

[MomOf3boyz]

I have a very good friend who is a director at a domestic violence shelter here in town, so I will preface my advice with the 'knowledge' that it may be coming from a different perspective than most. I am no expert in this by any means, but this is how I would handle it.

I would call and explain the situation to a counselor at a domestic violence shelter. You can remain anonymous when calling there, and thus eliminate the possibility of the school immediately getting over involved. They will have lots of prior experience and knowledge with situations just like yours and may have great insight as to what is happening with the boy.

I would NOT talk to the parents under any circumstances until you are absolutely positive that this boy is not being abused at home. Yes, it's a big jump to assume that he is being abused. However, if he IS being abused by a parent or family member, and you talk to them, how do you know that you aren't inadvertently making his situation worse and potentially putting your daughter in a worse position than she is right now. At this time the risks wouldn't outweigh the benefits for me. (Also worth noting, I was being abused by a child in the neighborhood whose parents were the nicest people. Turns out that he was abused at home and nobody knew - so here I may be coming from a very personal/sensitive place)

I would also empower my daughter to know her options if she ends up in an uncomfortable situation like that again. Tell her that she can always tell an adult at school, and if you know that she's particularly close to "Mrs X" then let her know that she can go to "Mrs X" with anything that happens at school.

Sending you so many s