What do you do when you're about to blow your top...

[vocalise]

... and nobody else is there to take over?

I'm sleep-deprived, and single mama to two. Dd is a toddler (who has just gotten over a three-day fever of 104; not conducive to good sleep), and ds is eight and has AD/HD. Today, after a lengthy tantrum from ds, a simultaneous sympathetic crying spell from dd, being kneed and elbowed repeatedly by ds while we read a bedtime story, and being head-butted HARD by dd, among other things, I was a bundle of raw nerves. When I asked ds to hand me a pillow and he threw it at my head, right after I asked him not to throw it at me, I cracked. I reacted by throwing the paperback in my hand at ds. Not my best parenting moment, to be sure.

The thing is, I knew I was getting to that point where I couldn't cope anymore. And yet I didn't feel like I had any options. If I had tried to take a break (ha!) by going into the bathroom alone or something, I would have had a whining 8-year-old and a frantically screaming one-year-old at the door. Not exactly a break. It would have just made the situation worse.

What do you do?

Sigh.

[dziwozony]

oh mama- i feel for you!! and i can completely relate to your experience. my two are 1 & nearly 3 years old & your description sounds so familiar.

sometimes you *have* to have a moment alone to breathe deeply, count to 10, or whatever it takes to cool off. even if that means walking out of the room & shutting the door for a minute.

some things i do when the boys are pushing me to the edge & i feel like exploding: give them a bath or any kind of water play, get them into the sand/dirt, get out playdough or another not-too-terribly-messy art activity, put on a DVD, go for a walk...fully change the activity or environment & it can sometimes change the behavior quite suddenly. sometimes i just start singing songs & that helps! it shifts the mood.

it's really hard when you don't have another parent to help balence the load. i've certainly had my share of awful parenting moments. but i try to remember that we're all going through a lot right now & it's bringing out the worst in us at times. i apologize to the boys when i know i've lost it a bit & just try to move on positively from there.

[Theia]

Originally Posted by dziwozony

it's really hard when you don't have another parent to help balence the load. i've certainly had my share of awful parenting moments. but i try to remember that we're all going through a lot right now & it's bringing out the worst in us at times. i apologize to the boys when i know i've lost it a bit & just try to move on positively from there.

I have been there too. I only have one, DD is 2. I love her to pieces, but sometimes, it is so much when I don't have anyone to just give me even a 5 minute break. ITA with DZ. After I have moments I am not proud of, I apologize, and try to comfort her. I try to cut myself some slack because it is unrealistic to expect anyone to be a full time parent without a break and to always be on 100% perfect Mom behavior (however you describe that?). So I apologize. I tell her that Momma shouldn't have gotten upset like that. I tell her than I love her and that I will find a way to do better with this. And you know what? My DD is only 2, but I swear, when I am speaking to her like this, she understands the feeling I am giving off. She is still upset, but she is also different, giving me a look, and to me that look says, I am confused, but I understand that you are doing the best you can. Because that is the truth of the situation. I am so ashamed of those "less than good" parenting moments. But I think that in coming to apologize we are teaching our children how to handle such events. We can't all always respond completely appropriately to every single situation. We are human, and as single parents, we need to be sure to remember that. So we apologize, give them love, and pray that next time we will be able to change our response.

I do try to find ways to 'disengage' but that isn't always realistic for a single parent, especially with children so young. Sure it's nice to change plans and distract/redirect, etc, but it's not always an option for whatever reason.

You are not alone in this struggle. I think every parent, partnered or not, experiences this. You do the best you can do, and that is what is most important.

[meemee]

the key vocalise is to take breaks BEFORE you reach bursting point.

and a way to be able to hold on to that this too shall pass. it wont always be like this. the way i did it was put up pictures of dd on the refrigerator - 3 of her from baby to now. i stand there and connect with how fast dd has grown up. and something happens inside (she is 7 and i love her 2 year old pictures). no matter how tired i was - everything would wash away and i would be renewed. of course this didnt help in a crisis. but it did help keep crisis point away.

the great part is - no matter what you ARE doing it. i had no one to cover me. neither do you. for me i was lucky. somehow my dd knew my breaking point. and at the last minute she would sleep longer or give me a few moments of peace without pulling me.

to you mama. parenting is a very hard job.

[Learning_Mum]

I agree. You need to take a break BEFORE you snap because then it's going to be bad.

I have a 4yo and 20mo. Sometimes they will be happy enough if I say that I'm getting really grumpy and need some time alone for a minute. Othertimes I've had to lock myself in the bathroom so I can be left alone.

I'd suggest grabbing an MP3 player if you have one. Locking yourself in the bathroom and listen to some music for a minute. That way, you can't hear them whining outside and, I find at least, music very relaxing.

I do find SAYING that I need a break because I'm feeling really grumpy helps them to leave me alone (well the 4yo, the baby doesn't totally understand!). DS1 esp knows how not-nice it is when Mama loses it, so he can mostly give me what I need.

[MsChatsAlot]

Sleep deprivation never helps anyone...and getting to the breaking point seems to creep up on us faster when we're sleep deprived and caring for sick kids than under normal circumstances.

Is there someone who could watch your kids for an hour?

I have made sure my kids are in a safe place and then stepped outside the door for a moment, grabbed some fresh air, a minute to breathe and then gone back inside.

I have called a girlfriend and cried to them over the phone.

I have put everyone in the car (even when they're sick) and gone out to buy myself a little treat...just to give myself a little break.

Be gentle with yourself. It is a lot to do on our own.

[josybear]

mine are 4 and 2 and believe me, i've been there. waaaay too often. i disappoint myself all the time with my failure to be the peaceful, centred parent my kids deserve. all i can do is apologize and take responsibility for my little freak outs, though, and try to prevent them. the ability to forgive yourself is pretty critical, i think.

this is really hard. hugs to you, mama.

[vocalise]

Thanks, all. I got out for a walk on my own today... until I was called back because dd was inconsolable. But I did get about 1/2 hour.

I'll try to do the music thing in the bathroom, if need be. But I think I need to also remember the "change of venue" trick. That one has worked well for me in the past, and I kind of forgot about it.