How to handle a socially anxious toddler?

[sophi4ka]

I need an advice, cause I don't know how to handle this. My 2yo DD has a social anxiety which I don't know how to approach.

Let me describe what I mean:

Whenever we go to any playgroup, she never plays with other children. Instead she is next to me, exhibiting obvious signs of stress. Most often she just keeps asking me to go home.

If anyone approaches her, she behaves threatened and aggressive at the same time. She will either hit the other kid or more often scream and try to hide behind me. Same happens if we play in a playground - if God forbid any child wants to share a playstructure with her, she starts screaming for me and runs away in fear. If we walk on a street and there is another kid playing she will immediately become cautious and fearful and avoid any contact. Those friendly cashiers in supermarket don't understand that my daughter doesn't want strangers to talk to her.

She has two kids that she is sort of OK with. Its not like she plays with them, but she will not mind their presence. There are other two whom she will tolerate, but that's it. Also, those kids, she will be fine with, in a one-on-one interaction only. If there are several children in a room, she will cling to me and not play.

I can see though, that she is curious about other children. I see her watching them play and being interested in what they do. But she would never approach them, and scream in fear if they do.

She is not a fearful child in general. She is happy, confident and active when she is with me, my husband or the grandparents.

--> So, I guess my question is, should I stop going with her to social gatherings, because it is obviously not enjoyable for both of us, cause she suffers and I suffer too trying to sooth her and make her comfortable. Or should I keep trying in a hope that it would somehow help her overcome her anxiety?

I also want to add that our parenting is totally attachment parenting (co-sleeping, babywearing, breastfeeding, etc). Our daughter is loved and well taken care of. I am a stay-at-home mom, so she never been away from me in a daycare or similar. And I really don't understand why on Earth she behaves this way!

Any thoughts, comments, suggestions, advices, personal experiences are appreciated

Thanks a lot
Sophie

[bluejaunte]

Mine was like this. He's almost 27 months. It was weird -- when he was 12-14 months I took him to a winter playgroup and he'd play with the other kids just fine (for short amounts of time) but this year when it started up I brought him back and he was having none of it. Very interested in other people -- in watching them intently, that is -- saints preserve us if anyone tried to play with or even look at him.

I debated what to do about this. In the end I decided to have a trial period of a month or so where I tried to gently acclimate him by immersion in social situations, where I'd be right there if he needed me. Took him to the playgroup, the children's museum, the children's room at the library, got him together with the little girl next door, etc. For the first few weeks he was a clingmonster. Literally would not get off my lap.

Then one day some switch flipped in his head and he was over it. He started playing with the kids at the playgroup. Even the intense 4-year-old kid who terrified him to start with. It got to where I was chasing him around. Two weeks previous I was trying to disentangle his fingers from their death grip on my hair for 90 minutes at a time. Last week he saw the neighbor girl again. He hugged the girl's mom and climbed into her lap for a story. I almost fainted. Now he's awesome in social situations, and a hell of a lot happier in general -- he really needed the social stimulation, and his parents/grandparents are only so interesting.

HTH. Your situation sounds a lot like mine, right down to the intensive AP (mine still nurses & cosleeps, and has never been in a stroller or used a paci in his life) so I think the outcome might be similar too. It took a while for me -- several weeks of watching other kids have fun while mine used me as a jungle gym -- but it was worth every. freakin'. second.

ETA: I never forced him to stick with anything. If he was genuinely losing it, I brought him home asap. But he's generally needed to be nudged out of his comfort zone in various situations in order to decide whether he hates 'em as much as he seems to think he will. This is a child I had to bribe to crawl and walk unassisted (he'd been walking assisted -- just touching a finger to something for balance -- from 7mo-16mo until I literally bribed him with food to get him to chase me) and it seems he had a similar mindset toward his social comfort zone as well. Guess some of them just need help getting motivated.

[pbjmama]

Sounds like she is pretty verbal, have you tried to talk to her about it? How long has it been going on, could it be related to the impending arrival of a new sibling? Any other life changes going on?

My ds (3.5) has some social anxiety and I do/have done alot of role playing with him. I also often take the lead in social situations to model behavior for him. I did alot of narrating situations. Oh a little boy like you, a friend. Your friend likes the slide too! You can take turns on the slide. Do you want mom to slide down with you? Etc, etc, etc. At 2 side by side play is expected and I'm just modeled how to do that. It took alot of time for my ds but he does pretty well most of the time now. Now the interaction is my name is X, what is your name. I'm 3, how old are you? He still won't talk or look at an adult that speaks to him but I don't really care about that. Plus my dd is the complete opposite so she engages any adults around us!

[sophi4ka]

Thanks for your replies mamas.

pbjmama, no, DD is not very verbal. She is not quite there yet so I could ask her about those things. Also I dont' think it is me being pregnant, cause she was always like this, even before I got pregnant.

Sophie

[springbabes]

My second child was just like this as a toddler. She'd cling to me at playgroups and hide her face when strangers talked to her. I don't think it's anything I did that caused it. My other 3 children have all been much more outgoing. She is a highly sensitive child and has a few sensory issues. I think the noise, chaos, and unpredictability of playgroups was too much for her.

I feel that learning how to socialize is important, even if it's something that makes your child uncomfortable. However, I would forgo playgroups in favor of more intimate playdates with a child she is comfortable with. Another thing I found incredibly helpful with my DD was a Mom and Me type music class. It was very structured and predictable and she was able to sit on my lap the whole time. It helped tremendously with getting her out of her shell. A few weeks into it she'd even venture off my lap during the dance portion.

I also encouraged her to answer the questions strangers would ask, even if it was just me modeling the answers, just to let her know that it's OK to make small talk at the grocery store.

She's almost 11 now and has mostly outgrown her shyness. She still has a lot more anxiety than my other kids, but I think that's just her. She recently met up with an old friend who had moved away. Afterwards she said to me, "Amelia is so shy. She'd hardly even talk to me. I remember I used to be shy like that but I'm not anymore. I mean, she doesn't have to be that way if she doesn't want to. I always talk to people now even if it's a little bit scary."

[sophi4ka]

Originally Posted by springbabes

Afterwards she said to me, "Amelia is so shy. She'd hardly even talk to me. I remember I used to be shy like that but I'm not anymore. I mean, she doesn't have to be that way if she doesn't want to. I always talk to people now even if it's a little bit scary."

That is so sweet!

[Neera]

longish reply...

I remember replying to a thread or posting a question about the same issue about a year or so ago. DD was clingy as soon as she started recognizing people. There were the strangers and there were others she came into contact with regularly. It worried me a lot because I was a shy kid and never really got over my shyness. I had to wait for her to turn 18 mo to take her to a play group as that was the reqd. age. I did try a different one at 12mo but, had some issues with that one. Anyways, she was cranky and clingy all the time. We went 2 days a week, irregularly (she fell sick a lot after coming into contact with other kids) for about 6 mo. Then the age changed to 2 1/2. So, I waited until she was 2 1/2. When we went back after the break, she was cranky initially but, soon started taking it to it. It was like she had missed it. She still has her crabby days espcially when she hasn't had enough sleep, is hungry or constipated. She suddenly changed not just at the play group but, in general with family that she doesn't see often etc. It was happening simultaneously, so I can't say it was the play group per se but, it is definetly a place where she had the opportunity to learn part of her socializing and now a place where she applies the skills she learns. She is 3 btw. She is still shy intially but, in a few minutes she is a different personality altogether.

[ANTICIPATION Yarns]

my 4yo has recently shown signs of severe anxiety. like in stores, when we pass someone she nuzzles inbetween me and the shelf. regardless of how much room is there.
she didnt used to be like that though.
and she has been eating weird too. like only eats "safe" foods. she is afraid she will get sick. she hasnt been sick so its just weird

[dexlor]

I sometimes struggle with this at playgroups. She will take quite awhile to warm up and I don't just mean to warm up to other kids, but to warm up to play on her own without being glued to me. She is almost 2 years old and has always been like this. DD does much better with only 1 or 2 other kids and she typically warms up quicker to boys. Rambunctiousness is pretty appealing to her, I guess, since she totally is

I just let her take her time to do what wants when she wants. I might point out "oh, look what sophie is playing with...is that a monkey? Do you want to show her the monkey on your shirt?". Stuff like that. I think she used to be able to detect my own stress about her not being more social when I could have sworn that every other baby/toddler seemed to have no problem playing with others. Once I realized she was fine once she warmed up, I loosened up. She is, and chances are, will be an only child. So, I make every effort to get her out to see other kids as well as having others come to our home. I work three days a week and DH works f/t so she does have that experience as well.

[tankgirl73]

I think if a child is 2 or 3 years old, there's no reason to try and rush this. It's a normal process -- more extreme in some kids than others, of course -- and remember that peer interaction is not a necessary part of early child development. They need interaction with adults and older people, models and guides, more than peers. At that age they're only just beginning to be able to "play with" instead of "play near" anyway.

In other words, if they don't get over their shyness until they're 6, or 11, instead of 3, there's no real long-term difference. I know that I was painfully shy as well, and no amount of playdates, helpful coercion, conversation, mommy and me classes, whatever... none of that would have helped me. They terrified me. I always had a few friends (once I was 6 or so), so you don't have to worry too much about a shy child NEVER having ANY friends. I eventually outgrew the worst of it late in my teens, thanks to some wonderful friends who finally convinced me (not deliberately on their part, rather, I finally realized...) that people actually COULD like me.

You might try reading "Hold on to Your Kids - Why Parents Need to Matter More Than Peers". It's not about shyness, specifically, but about the importance of the parent-child bond and the risks of it becoming replaced by peer-orientation. It can help you relax about rushing your kids into social situations before they're emotionally and developmentally ready.

If you do decide to keep taking her to groups in hopes of the 'switch flipping', do ensure (like the PP) that you don't force anything. It sounds like you're already aware of this, but it's worth mentioning. Shy kids need the stable home base. All kids do, really. Research shows how well-attached toddlers will walk a short distance away from their caregiver, then come back and touch base, then wander off again, maybe a little further, then come back to touch base, etc etc... Gradually over time, their wandering goes further and further, and the time between base-touching grows, until they finally fly away all on their own.

Sometimes kids go through phases where they can't venture away from home base at all. Something in their development has them scared -- maybe they've realized something about their separateness from you and it's a scary idea. They need that security maintained, until they're ready to go out on their own again.

So if she wants to stay on your lap, let her, with no judgment, and no questioning every so often "do you want to go play NOW? How about NOW? Ooh, look at that, why don't you go look at that??" Just accept her need for cuddles.

Too often I've been out at events like that and I see the parent who is trying to force their kid to participate. Like it's some kind of parenting contest! I see it at my daughter's dance class... sometimes a 3yo isn't going to want to dance with the class, that's no reason to threaten to take them home and quit the class and 'if you want a treat after class you better go in there and dance' when they're crying and obviously distraught. Ugh.

Then I see the parents who hold their child whenever they need it. And those kids almost invariably are the ones who end up sticking with the class, and eventually even participating, and loving it.