How to plan for custody for husband who lives overseas and comes to visit???

[zadlersberg]

Hi all,

I'm new to the forum...hi...

Here is my situation. I've been married to a french man for 7 years and we have a 2.5 yr old. We've lived in NYC for the last 4 years. We officially separated in Sept and it looks like we are moving towards permanent separation and probably divorce. We are amicable and working with a mediator. He's since moved back to France and comes every 3 weeks to visit for 1 week.

My issue is the visitation. In the mediation session last week, we spoke of custody. For the next year we agree that she'll live with me and he'll come visit (and spend nights at a hotel). After that, he wanted to spend 7-10 nights straight with her!! He's been a good papa, but he's traveled a TON since she's born so she really got close to me (plus we're AP all around) so she's really used to being with me.

My thoughts are all over the board on this. One part of me feels like there is NO WAY he should have 1 week a month with her on his own. She won't see him for 3 weeks then he'll suddenly come? My proposal is more 1-2 nights with him when he arrives...then access to her when he wants her during the day but she sleeps at my house the rest of the trip. Perhaps later on doing 1-2 nights on either side of his trip - arrives and leaves.

But then I think...am I doing this for her or for me? I can't stand the idea of losing her 1 week a month, but perhaps being with her dad that much is really important and I need to put my needs aside?

I should also add that he's had an affair for the past 1.5 years...he told me about it in April 2009...we worked on our couple and then in September he said he wanted out of the marriage and went back to his lover in Paris. So....I feel angry and betrayed...but trying to put that aside to be friends. Part of my struggle with the custody is saying "fuck you, you weren't around much and now you CHOOSE to be in France with your lover...so fuck you, you don't get to have your cake and eat it too"...but I know that's not fair to my daughter. So really trying to see clearly here and ask people who have been through a similar long distance thing, what is right for the child????

Thanks

Zoe

[sunfish21]

I can't imagine trying to figure this out--I am having enough teouble with a guy that lives 5 miles away. In the middle of it, it is hard to see sometimes if our motivation is out of hurt or the best for our child. Are there people that know the two of you well--what are there thoughts on the mater? Maybe someone with more insight can offer more....but I wish you the best. The distance must make arrangements difficult.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by zadlersberg

Hi all,

I'm new to the forum...hi...

Here is my situation. I've been married to a french man for 7 years and we have a 2.5 yr old. We've lived in NYC for the last 4 years. We officially separated in Sept and it looks like we are moving towards permanent separation and probably divorce. We are amicable and working with a mediator. He's since moved back to France and comes every 3 weeks to visit for 1 week.

My issue is the visitation. In the mediation session last week, we spoke of custody. For the next year we agree that she'll live with me and he'll come visit (and spend nights at a hotel). After that, he wanted to spend 7-10 nights straight with her!! He's been a good papa, but he's traveled a TON since she's born so she really got close to me (plus we're AP all around) so she's really used to being with me.

My thoughts are all over the board on this. One part of me feels like there is NO WAY he should have 1 week a month with her on his own. She won't see him for 3 weeks then he'll suddenly come? My proposal is more 1-2 nights with him when he arrives...then access to her when he wants her during the day but she sleeps at my house the rest of the trip. Perhaps later on doing 1-2 nights on either side of his trip - arrives and leaves.

But then I think...am I doing this for her or for me? I can't stand the idea of losing her 1 week a month, but perhaps being with her dad that much is really important and I need to put my needs aside?

I should also add that he's had an affair for the past 1.5 years...he told me about it in April 2009...we worked on our couple and then in September he said he wanted out of the marriage and went back to his lover in Paris. So....I feel angry and betrayed...but trying to put that aside to be friends. Part of my struggle with the custody is saying "fuck you, you weren't around much and now you CHOOSE to be in France with your lover...so fuck you, you don't get to have your cake and eat it too"...but I know that's not fair to my daughter. So really trying to see clearly here and ask people who have been through a similar long distance thing, what is right for the child????

Thanks

Zoe

It is so hard to see clearly when we are hurt. I know, many years in retrospect, that I wanted to punish my X for the hurt he caused meand attempted to limit his access to our ds as punishment. But, deep down, I knew he was a good dad, I trusted him with ds and knew that - ultimately - X's issues were with me, and me alone... not with ds. Ds was just the innocent bystander.

My X lives in the Netherlands and I live in the US with ds. Ds and I left NL when he was 18 months old (he is now 6.5 years) and X has only been out to visit twice since we left.

I sure do wish, now, that ds (and myself -- being a solo parent is HARD) would have had same opportunity for visitation that is being offered to you and your dd. Ds would love to have more of a relationship with his father. I would have loved the monthly break.

My suggestion: Gradually work up to a whole week of overnights. Start with one or two nights the first month, then gradually add more. Additionally, it will be very important that he maintains some kind of connection with her during the times they are apart -- pictures, mail, skype, phone calls (even if they are just a minute or two -- it helps), etc.

Take in mind, though, you will not be able to control what he does... trust me I tried. AND, it is not your job to go out of your way to keep their connection alive. It is just your job to allow him 'reasonable' access.

Best of luck!

[Lisa1970]

I think I would not have her go an entire week without seeing you. Thing is, HE had an affair. I know some people say that should not play in to it, but it does. I would see about putting in to the agreement no girlfriends, just spouses, unless there is an engagement with a date that is within 6 months. Since he did have an affair, I would seriously wonder about his judgement in other areas, even though it might be non-PC to say so. But forget PC, we are talking your child and the raising of her.

If you have been practicing AP parenting, you should continue. I have a feeling he is trying to build up to having her just go stay with him overseas for a long period of time. If he lived nearby, at 3 yrs old (the age she will be in a year) he might not get any overnights and if he did, it would be limited to 1-2 nights at a time. She would not be expected to go an entire week without seeing you.

Even though you are seeing a mediator, I would see a lawyer on the side and just not tell him to find out what future problems you would have if you allow certain things and what would likely happen if you ended up in court.

IF you had broken up the marriage, I would side with him more, but when he was sleeping around, he had no regard for his daughter. He was not caring how it affected her. Statistics stand by the notion that a parent who is willing to do that to their children, that does not tend to be their only lapse in judgement. You nor your little girl should be hurt more than you have had to be by that affair. She should, of course, know her dad. But an entire week without seeing mom really is asking too much.