Sex drive problems

[amyhen]

This is so hard to talk about and I hope this is an OK place to post about it.

My dh and I have been married for almost 14 years and it has been an issue the entire time... my sex drive is SO much higher than his. I feel constantly rejected because about 9 times out of 10 he is tired, has to get up early, etc, etc. He knows this is a big problem for me, but he just says he's sorry, it is the way he is. The only time this isn't a problem is when I'm breastfeeding and the times I've been on antidepressants.

I've talked to my close friends and sisters IRL and their marriages ALL seem to have the complete opposite dynamic in the bedroom.

Anyway, I love my husband very much and when we do make love, it is fantastic. He says it's about quality, not quantity! We have just never been able to come to any kind of solution to this issue. Does anyone have any ideas??

The other thing that really brought me to this board is that I started thinking this week (after he made a remark to me that he thinks I'm a sex addict! he says he was joking now) that maybe the problem lies with me. I haven't been unfaithful ever, but I do obsess a lot about sex in general and also with him. I have started to look back over my childhood and teenage years and I'm wondering if there is something that just messed me up? Would I remember it if there was something there?

My family growing up probably looked perfect from the outside but was very very emotionally distant and cold. My husband says I am trying to get love from him all of the time bc I didn't get it growing up.

I do not remember anything terrible happening as a child, but I do have several sex play memories with other kids, including one time that I remember where we actually had penetration ( me and a couple of boys ) at like elementary school age. I don't remember it hurting or anything... kind of like experimenting. I had very frequent exposure to porn thanks to the fact that I was sneaky and found my parents video tapes. I used to watch them whenever I could. That was probably about 5th grade. Ughh, I haven't thought about any of that EVER, like since it all happened. It really makes me sick.

Does anyone know or have experience on whether this might be affecting me now, as in my sex drive, etc. ?? I really just want to have a normal sexual relationship with my husband, instead of constantly feeling "out of sync". I need ideas on what to do about this.

Thanks to anyone who read all of this...

[amyhen]

I forgot to add, and I don't know if this has anything to do with this whole situation, that I had an addiction to painkillers for many years, off and on from the first time I took them after dental work at 15 years old. I went to treatment a few years ago and have been clean ever since then. But my husband's remark about me being a sex addict was along the lines of... I think you use sex like you used the pills. Now he says he is sorry, he was just kidding.

[artgoddess]

I don't know the whole situation so I can't say for sure. But rejecting you 9 times out of 10 is a lot. Unless you are hitting him up for sex 10 times in one day. Just wanted to say you aren't alone. We have the same backward sex drive thing going on in my house too. It sucks.

[Mirrormonkey]

Huh, are you sure you are not me writing in disguise? We have had the same problem from very early on in our relationship and we have been married for 10 years. I always thought it ws our age difference, I am much younger. We have tried viagra and stuff, but really if the drive is not there for him nothing works.

I have contemplated affairs many times just so I can feel desired or wanted, but I love my hubby and losing him is not worth it.

Talk to your hubby openly about your needs, and see if there are other things he will do for you. Generally I found 'looking after myself' the majority of the time helped the situation.

[amyhen]

Thanks for your replies... wow, I thought I was the only freaky girl who wants it more than her husband!!

Sometimes I do hit him up twice a day, but he is seriously content with like once a week! Always has been. I do actually take care of myself, usually when he does tell me no, he is asleep and snoring two minutes later! So, pretty much every night.

I know he is tired, he works very hard to provide for us so I can stay home with our children. But really almost no matter how tired I am, I still want it. This morning I told him those exact words, but of course I had to add a snarky little "It's not a chore to ME to make love with my husband". We have talked about it a lot, but he just can't keep up with me. I know he has tried, but out of love for me more than desire, if that makes sense.

We usually kind of laugh about it, but sometimes I do feel really hurt and upset by the whole situation. I guess I always thought it was mainly him with the problem, but I am wanting some objective opinions... I'm thinking, maybe I have a part in this too? Or maybe this is just how we will always be.

[kittywitty]

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[FlyingGoddess]

It sounds like you're attracted to your dh, so lucky you right there. I would buy some toys, and use them next to him in bed.

And embrace yourself as a woman with a high sex drive! After I was done having kids, done nursing, and got myself healthy, wooo, watch out. Love it in yourself (and see my suggestion in paragraph one Do belly dancing in front of the mirror too, enjoy yourself.

And then see if your needs still feel unmet...

(P.S. dh and i are plantonic w/ each other...we're going to split up when we can afford a second place for one of us. one big reason is due to my lack of attraction for him, which especially kicked in after the birth of child 1.)

[Mirrormonkey]

It is funny, I am very open about our sometimes non existent sex life and because of that I have met quite a few woman who admit to very little sex in their relationships as well. Throw some kids into the mix, stress about money and seriously who has the energy or the emotional energy left at the end of the day.

I have been there though, in tears in the bathroom because I have been rejected yet again. We try to make up for it with lots of hugs, kisses and snuggling, usually that is good enough.

[mambera]

Originally Posted by amyhen

I guess I always thought it was mainly him with the problem, but I am wanting some objective opinions... I'm thinking, maybe I have a part in this too? Or maybe this is just how we will always be.

I wouldn't say this is "your problem" or "his problem" - you're both within the (very broad) range of normalcy but you don't match up with each other particularly well (in respect to sex of course).

Haven't read it but I've heard good things about this book by Michele Weiner Davis:
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-Starved-Ma.../dp/0743227336

[NightOwlwithowlet]

My husband and I have both had different sex drives at different times in our relationship. Sometimes I'm more interested and sometimes he is, what has worked is being kind and honest with each other. When I'm not interested, it is rarely about him, but about external factors (I'm tired, my back hurts,the kid needs me NOW) or internal factors (old baggage).

We decided early on to let the person with the higher need address the matter on their own, so to speak. Sometimes, we have to discuss why, like when DH had to take medication that effected his sex drive or when I was dealing with some unresolved issues from childhood abuse, and give each other support to deal with the underlying issues. But, most of the time it's really not personal.

[ctdoula]

You're not alone.

[Magelet]

I'm on the opposite side (DP has a higher sex drive than me) though it wasn't always that way. When we first met, they were similar though mine was a bit higher perhaps, but not much. It declined a lot over the past year or two, not sure why, so it's something I've been working on, since I'd like to have more.

I've recently found some things that increase my libido. It's various things (most of which improve my fantasy life in various ways, which had completely disappeared, my confidence, or desire otherwise), most of which are personal. I read all sorts of suggustions for women to improve their libido, but I just slowly found what helped me. (For instance, I don't know that books with delicious graphic sex would help your DH, but it helped rekindle and feed my fantasies which improve my libido)

Though I'm a big fan also of fake it til you make it (not nessicarily all 10 times out of 10 you ask, because for sure, sometimes one is just too tired (maybe addressing that tiredness?) but by paying a lot of attention to making sure the partner with less libido is warmed up, even if not totally horny, I find that DTD is always fun once we get into it, and doing it increases my libido later. if we go for a week or two without, I'll forget about it and not need it, but when we do it more, I want it more.) It's important that the partner with higher libido doesn't feel neglected, and for us, once we get going, I'll usually get into it. (Or else I'm so tired I feel like I'm going to fall asleep, and then we don't get into it. but that's rare)

since it sounds like often he's too tired, I'd try to find time for daytime sex (I imagine it's much much harder with munkins) because there's way less of being too tired at 4 in the afternoon on saturday, you know? 9 or 10 pm, yeah, your ready to nod off. 7:30 before work? maybe not so much.

HTH

[Sharlla]

my ex never wanted to dtd. he wouldnt even french kiss me. i didnt think a few times a week was asking too much even though i would want it daily. this was a pretty big issue in the beginning because at first we were dtd multiple times a day to sometimes only once a week or month. im very much a sexual person and dtd is a big part of my'love language' and being denied all the time made me feel unloved and ugly. finally i decided that that wasnt how i wanted to spend the rest of my life (he wasnt big sharer of his feelings or anything for that matter) so i left

now that im with some that loves to kiss and dtd as much as i do its been wonderful and i finally have the relationship that i want. he treats me like a partner, not a possession like my ex did
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[Sharlla]

Originally Posted by FlyingGoddess

It sounds like you're attracted to your dh, so lucky you right there. I would buy some toys, and use them next to him in bed.

And embrace yourself as a woman with a high sex drive! After I was done having kids, done nursing, and got myself healthy, wooo, watch out. Love it in yourself (and see my suggestion in paragraph one Do belly dancing in front of the mirror too, enjoy yourself.

And then see if your needs still feel unmet...

(P.S. dh and i are plantonic w/ each other...we're going to split up when we can afford a second place for one of us. one big reason is due to my lack of attraction for him, which especially kicked in after the birth of child 1.)

see i felt bad about having to masterbate. thats not fair. it just made me feel dirty and angry. oh and i had multiple affairs and ultimately left him for one of them. i guess i justified it because i had let him dtd with other women in hopes it would spice up our sex life
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[journeymom]

Originally Posted by mambera

I wouldn't say this is "your problem" or "his problem" - you're both within the (very broad) range of normalcy but you don't match up with each other particularly well (in respect to sex of course).

Yup, well said.

OP, in this thread you demonstrate that you're a thoughtful person. I think you are asking a lot of Why questions. You're bringing up many interesting things that I think you should explore with a good therapist.

And therapy may or may not directly help your sex life. Regardless, it'll help. Our sexuality is connected to our whole selves.

[provocativa]

maybe the issues are biochemical, rather than psychological. it sounds to me like you are high histamine (maybe you both eat something you're allergic to) and he's low histamine as a result. THis article describes extremes in brain histamine and supplements that help. http://www.healthrecovery.com/HRC_20...er.htm#hhchild also, hormones come into play- testosterone levels, etc. i have a book called better sex naturally (all my books are packed up, we just moved so i don't have the isbn) but it reviews herbs for treatment (infusions work better than pills). for him, one thing i recall would be a ginger, ginko biloba, and saw palmetto infusion. homeopathics can also help if you find the right ones.

[bluebirdiemama]

Originally Posted by amyhen

Sometimes I do hit him up twice a day, but he is seriously content with like once a week! Always has been. I do actually take care of myself, usually when he does tell me no, he is asleep and snoring two minutes later! So, pretty much every night.

.

Once a week sounds about normal to me. I would suggest that maybe your taking care of yourself might be giving your body an appetite for that experience on a daily basis. There could even be an addiction to the hormones or chemical release, similar to "runners high", addiction to endorphins.
I wouldn't suggest this if I didn't think it was feasible... this is what happened to me. I was very depressed for about 3 years and in that time very sexually frustrated, unsatisfied and confused. My dh (then my boyfriend) and I fought aaall the time about sex. I just couldn't take the frustration with it. He never wanted to do it, and when we did try I felt like I wasn't getting the emotional affection from him along with the actions, which would make it unfulfilling for me. I did take care of myself. And when we seperated for about 10 months I took care of myself very often. Sometimes several times a day.
We got back together, and it has been a long road of sexual frustration as we are trying to understand each other...
At this point I have decided to be completely free of doing this for myself. I honestly find that it has negative consequences on my sex life with my husband. Likewise, when I am very tempted to engage, alone, and decide not to... the next time I am with my husband it is very well worth the wait.

If you think this might be applicable to your situation, I can think of several reasons why deciding not to engage by yourself anymore would probably, in a little time, bring back your husbands desire for sex. If you want to talk more about this, you can pm me. I'd be happy to talk more with you. Hope this helps.

[mmhinton]

OP - I can relate to alot of what you mentioned in your original post...though, overall, I do have to admit that DH and I "match" most of the time. I do, however find that my hormones play a big part of my sex drive - there are times of the month when I could DTD several times a day (though I don't ask - mostly cuz DH is at work!) and other times that once a week (or less even) would be ok with me.
So, perhaps there are hormone issues/responses in you? Also, as a pp mentioned, I too found that "the more I get, the more I want" kind of thing... I found (during pregnancy 2 - when actually dtd was not very practical) that I did take care of things myself alot more often...which led to wanting even more! So, while I do think it is great (and appropriate) to take care of business on your own, maybe "taking a break" to see if your need goes down a bit might be worth a try?
As far a the child hood stuff you mentioned - I cannot say for sure and have not read anything about it, but it seems like it is normal for kids to be curious - about pictures, books, "play" etc. I know that myself, my brother, and my cousins found our parents "stashes" in each house and we would go look at that every chance we got! (this would be probably around middle schoolish age).
I also know that I have alot higher sex drive than "average" for women - so, is it b/c of all of that childhood "looking", b/c of genetics (my female cousin - referenced above) also has a really high sex drive), or b/c of hormones?
I suspect - it is a bit of all of it; and overall, I am satisfied with my sex life - but do believe that our society still teaches women that we are not necessarily supposed to want sex often... we can like it maybe, but we shouldn't like it so much that we want it all the time... Well, I know societal views have likely come a long way, but there are still improvements to be made

I suppose, I'd say - continue to be really honest with your DH, talk to him alot about your feelings (not just the want/need for sex, but how it makes you feel to have sex with him and to be rejected when he doesn't want to). Regarding his "sex addict" comment...I personally don't think wanting sex more often than once a week is an addiction.... BUT, if YOU are concerned that it feels like an addiction, then therapy might be a great help.