How do you find time for you?

[eatingfor3]

I'm really struggling lately and am hoping for some advice from experienced moms of multiples.

Before I got pregnant with my twins, I felt like I had it all together. Despite my husband being gone for the better part of 2 and a half years, I felt like everything was under control. My 2 kids were always clean, fed homemade/ made from scratch food, read to, played with and taken care of. They hardly watched tv, i did crafts with them, we went places...

I was well dressed and showered almost every day. My house was always clean. Dishes were always done as soon as they were dirty. Laundry was folded the second it came out of the dryer. I blogged, I was able to fulfill my creative side with sewing and making things. I was a good mother, a good friend, a good daughter, and when my husband was around, I was a good wife.

Then the twins came. I knew it was going to be a big change, but I didn't think that EVERYTHING was going to be different. And I didn't expect to lose *me* in the process.

There isn't time for anything anymore. I spend my days completely overwhelmed, not even knowing where to start and by the time I figure out where to start, it's 10pm. My kids watch so much TV, it's not even funny. I can't do anything with them anymore, I can't even find the time to read to them. The babies spend a ridiculous amount of time in their bouncers or exercausers because I don't have time to hold them. Everything is such a mess it's almost not even worth cleaning because it will always be a mess. I'm so far behind, I'm not sure I'm ever going to catch up so I don't feel like trying. I feel like I just run in circles day in and day out.

I have completely lost myself. I want, no, I need, to be me again. I need to have time to do things I want to do, instead of spending 3+ hours a day washing dishes and bottles and another 3 hours a day folding clothes and doing laundry and another 3 hours a day cooking and putting toys away and another 3 hours a day pumping, while dealing with crying babies and boo boos and refereeing the older 2 inbetween ...

So how do you do it? How do you get everything done that needs to be done, while having time to love on your babies and be a good wife and friend? How to you manage to have time for you? When did you feel like you could finally come up for air and feel confident and comfortable as a mother and as a woman after your multiples were born?

I keep thinking, "If we just get past this stage, things will get better", but we always move past that stage, and things don't get better.I really, really need it to get better.

[Red Pajama]

Hugs to you. It is hard to be in the thick of it,and it sounds like you're trying to do it all yourself.

My MIL told me that after she had her 4th child, she hired help. It was just too much to do all herself. Is there any way you could get a teenaged relative or a neighbor to come in and help with what need done? Or perhaps you are a member of a community or church group, and you could reach out to them?

Good luck. Try not to expect too much of yourself with young twins. It takes everything just to get through the day fed and reasonably content.

[Shuli]

Hugs mama! I know it is really hard right now.

How old are your older children? Can they help fold laundry (It won't be done like you will do it, but it will get done). They can certainly help put toys away at the end of the day.

My twins were my first, and we just ate on disposable for the first three months. If my DH wanted clean underware, well then, he would just have to do the laundry himself.

It sounds to me like you need to reach out into your community and ask for help. Even a high school girl to come for two hours in the evening to help do dishes, fold laundry, read to your older DC's. It can all help.

Sending calming vibes your way!

[kjoy2]

How old are your babes? I only have the twins, and it was really, really hard. I didn't make 'me' a priority (because, really, how can you?!), and I started to take a bit of me time on a regular basis at around 21 months.
Let your house go. If you aim for perfection, you are going to be disappointed at the end of every day. If you aim for doing what works in the moment, you are bound to be more satisfied (even if that means that the laundry gets done only when you've all run out of clothing).

I agree with the PPs in that you should find help if you can. Is it just you and four little ones? Eeeek! Call in the volunteers! Find a paid mother's helper. Pay someone to do the laundry and clean your house. Anything that lends you a bit of sanity.

It's hard. It will get easier in time.

[eatingfor3]

1ht, sorry!

my twins are 7 months old and i have a 4 year old and a just turned 3 year old. i'm not alone with them anymore, dh got back a couple of months ago but he leaves for work at 5 am, gets home after 6pm and goes to bed by 9pm. he helps when he can, thankfully, but i need more. i think most of the problem is that we just moved across the country and i dont know anyone. i havven't even gone to meet our neighbors-- horrible, i know. my 4 y/o is in preschool so i should make an effort to meet some of those moms. i'm really bad about meeting people. i always feel like a big dork at first. but i'm thinking it's pretty much essential for survival.

i did take today "off". I didn't do any housework and i spent the day sewing and did a little "fun" shopping-- I'm paying for it now though with the huge pile of dishes on the counter. i also went and joined a gym. they have a really great childcare center there so i can take my 3 y/o and the twins while the 4 y/o is at school. i'm hoping to do that a few times a week, if for nothing else than a long uninturrupted hot shower at the end of my workout. heck, i might even skip the workout and just take a nap in the lounge

thanks for your empathy-- this life is not easy at all. it's nice to know there are others out there who understand.

[~bookcase~]

- mine are now 16 months (and my older children are 10,9,7,5 - so helpers to some extent) and i'm just starting to feel like i can go out and do 'nice' things for me.

still upside down in lots of ways though

be kind to yourself, get help if you can, lower your standards for another 6 months and try to enjoy the crazy chaos. they'll be walking soon and it will get interesting in a different sort of way

[Freeman]

Great idea on the gym. Go and enjoy!! Can you sign your 3 y/old up for parents day out or pre-school, too? I second getting help on cleaning!!

[GoodUserNamesTaken]

nak, one handed typing...

i so hear you! m y ttwins are 5 wks old, and i have a 10 yr old and an 8 yr old (big helpers)... b4 the twins, i went to yoga 3 times a wk, i visited friends once or twice a wk... now, im lucky if i am alone for 5 minutes. my kids are also watching way too much tv, and i hate it. i also have a lot of guilt about using the swing/bouncy seats, but like u, if i dont, i cant even eat.

i have found ways to find "me" time, however, in tiny moments, or while nursing or pumping.. i know it's not the same, but it helps...

1. i put on relaxing music every morning, like enya or something similar. it makes me and the babies happier, and i feel more together
2. when i pump, especially b/c i hate pumping, i put on a video on the computer that lasts the amount of time i have to pump, so 10 or 15 minutes. i watch jon stewart videos, or videos on TED.com.
3. when i nurse the babies, sometimes i listen to audio classes. im a member of Jen Louden's Comfort Cafe, and i find those audios really help me feel more myself at times
4. when i do find a moment, i do one yoga pose. you may not be into yoga, but the point is, i dont have time for a full practice... so my usual mindset would be "no time for the full thing, then forget it", but i will not have time for a full practice for quite some time. so i do one pose. maybe you can take something you enjoy and do just one little bit of it
5. we are using plastic, which is expensive, but survival now...
6. we eat a lot of premade stuff, but we still eat good homemade food too... but i make things SO simple. like a pan with chicken pieces, where all i did was drizzle olive oil and spices on top, and throw in a few cut up potatoes (not peeled)... ya, the kids complain that im not making the more complicated things, but what can you do...

dont know if any of that helps, but.... i'll be watching this thread, too... i think it's a great question, and im sure something all us twin moms struggle with!

~ rachel

[daisie31]

Oh, it's so hard isn't it? My ds also gets alot more tv than ever before, I hate it but have somewhat accepted it for now. He seems happy. My me time comes in the evening, my kids go to bed at 6 or7 so I stay up til 11 or so. The babies sleep in the swing and bouncer in the living room and I take them to bed with me when I go. On the nights they don't go down til late, I'm a huge grump. I also try to go for a walk with my friend a couple days a week with the babes in the stroller, it's wonderful.

Is there anyway for you to get some help? Even a teenager to be a mother's helper would be nice.

Dena

[DoomaYula]

Big hugs to you. Big big big hugs! This too shall pass...

My twins were my first and they're 7yo now, so I barely remember it but... I accepted any and all help from anyone who was willing to hold a baby so I could nap, do laundry, do dishes, whatever. Ask for help. From anyone -- the director of your child's preschool could email all the students' parents asking for meals or donations of plasticware!

Twins (plus two more!) are too much for just one person. Get help, however you can.

And we all do empathize. I promise it will get better. As I said, my twins are 7yo and today they vacuumed the downstairs, they unloaded the dishwasher, they put away laundry...

[eatingfor3]

Thank you so much again, everyone. You guys have given me some great ideas and really helped me out.

This is a lot, a lot a lot, for one person to do. When I originally posted this, I was feeling really bad and tired and had already had a horrendous headache for a week, and then the headache kept getting worse, until I almost ended up in the hospital. The general consensus from all of my doctors is that I'm too stressed, sleep deprived, worn down, my blood pressure is too high, I am too thin, don't get enough food, etc... And I guess I'm only surprised that it took this long to get to this point, especially being that I have been on my own with our kids since the last half of the twin pregnancy until the babies were 5 months old. I have been "ordered" to get at least 8 hours of sleep a night and take time to slow down at least 30 minutes out of every couple of hours. So now I get "forced" me time.

I'm working on getting everyone into a more predictable routine, and working on scheduling times to get out of this house to go to the park or library, whatever and then times for more "structured" play for my older 2, so they can be occupied while I rest with the babies. I hired a gardener and I'm working on getting someone to come in and help a couple of times a week and I'm pulling my crock pot back out and putting that thing to good use. Normally I'm too cheap to hire people and think I can do it all but the past few weeks have really humbled me and taught me that it is impossible to do this on my own. My health has to be #1 or I'm no good to anyone. I'm not even 30 yet and pretty much on my way to a coronary.

So thanks again for all of your ideas and advice. I really appreciate it! I'll be putting them to good use.

[kjoy2]

Sometimes is takes a big wake-up call to change things, to ask for help, etc. It sounds like your doctors gave good advice, and good for you for taking it seriously. I hope the gardener, the help, the crockpot, and the sleep all work together to help you feel better, function better, and be a better you.

[Novella]

My twins are older than yours, so it's a bit different. Something I'm doing to trying out different hobbies.

I have no time to sew. But I've always wanted to try out face painting. Handy-dandy! I have a crew of eager subjects.

[DoomaYula]

I train my dog. That's my hobby.

[Intertwined]

It seems to be a "thing" with twin Moms. I landed myself in the hospital at 6 months with unexplained stomach pain that we never did figure out. Best guess was too much caffeine, too little sleep, too much stress, too little good food. I "cured" myself with probiotics, going off coffee, and eating better. I didn't sleep for 6 more months but I felt tons better, even without the caffeine jolt!

Mine were 17 months, 3, 4.5, and 6 when the twins came. I sometimes have terrible guilt about how it's been the past two years--especially for my now 3 year old. She had it pretty rough. We're starting to hit our stride again now that the twins are 21 months old. I am running a successful (albeit slow) photography business, take time to meet friends, attend about one birth every couple of months, go to the gym and attend yoga multiple times a week.....it takes at least twice as long to get back to life as usual with twins--if not more!