When did you tell friends/family about your plans for HB?

[earthboundmisfit]

DH and I definetly want a homebirth and have selected our midwife. So far I've told 2 of my very crunchy friends [including my best friend!] and they are so supportive of the idea. We have not told our family yet and I feel like the reaction will be bad from the ILs and maybe "ok" from my parents. I know I want my mom at the birth so I have to tell her eventually..but I don't know when/if to tell everyone. People are starting to ask stuff like "oh do you need a babysitter for when you go to the hospital" and "when is your u/s [we are declining]" and "when is your first OB appointment?" I am 7 weeks now so most people don't even know about the pregnancy yet except family.

Just looking for some insight. thanks!

[jdg]

I really haven't "announced" that I'm doing HB, nor have I concealed it at all. People ask which OB I'm using and I respond that my midwife is so-and-so. This sometimes prompts a direct question of whether I'm HB-ing (mostly from those that already know that there is only one MW in this area that does hospital births) and I answer that I am. Thus far, I have received either positive or neutral responses from people. I will note that while some of the people I've talked to are not at all crunchy themselves, they all know that I'm at least a little crunchy, so even if they would NEVER consider HB themselves, no one is really shocked that I might choose it. The most "negative" comments I get are along the lines of "huh, that's brave of you" or "ugh, I'd never have my baby without an epidural". I just let these comments go - they're more about how that person chooses to birth than they are about my choice, anyway.

I'm not all that close with my family, so it occurs to me that probably more of my co-workers know my birth plans than my family. This isn't by design, I just talk more frequently with my co-workers.

I do about the same for other questions. "Are you done decorating the nursery" is answered with "no, the baby will be sleeping in our room for at least the first few months". Questions about gender/ultrasound are answered with a "we're waiting to find out until the birth" or "I heard the heartbeat at my last appointment" (my MW uses one of those little handheld doppler things). I keep my answers simple - sometimes people pick up on the "crunchy-ness" underlying the answers and ask more. I find that the more mainstream people are, the less likely they are to even notice that my casual answers may be off from the norm, and the less likely they are to ask more, which all kind of solves the problem in itself! Crunchy people seem more keyed in to the answers being not quite the norm.

I don't have other children, but I'd answer the babysitter questions with either "I've got that covered" if the child is going to be home with you or "I'd love a babysitter" if you intend to have your child out of the house - really, are they going to withdraw the offer just because you're having the baby at home? I assume that if you want someone to provide child care in the home during the birth, that you'd choose that person and talk to them about the circumstances beforehand, anyway.

[Belle]

Before I got pregnant I kind of tried to judge their reactions by mentioning that our next baby would be born "out of hospital". If they reacted positively then we went ahead and told them about the homebirth plans. If they had a negative reaction, we mentioned a vauge comment about the numerous great birth centers in the area. For some reason people think driving somewhere to labor is safer than not. This reassured the one negative reaction we got.

When we actually got pregnant again, we didn't make any formal announcements, we just acted like birthing at home was the normal thing to do. Only my mom had a problem with it. But it wasn't anything related to the birth. She was worried about the midwives not circumcising our son. I won't go there with that.

[corwin]

I wasn't going to say anything until after the birth etc. but towards the end of my pregnancy I told my close family and the friends that I knew wouldn't be negative about it. Everyone was absolutely okay with it, my dad asked a lot of questions about it (which was great! I love questions vs. dumb comments)

Shortly after she was born everyone agreed how wonderful it was and I never really heard a single negative thing about it.

[HappyMommy2]

Beforehand, We just told my mom and 2 girlfriends that had also had home births.

A half-hour after the birth, my hubby was shouting it from the rooftop and calling everyone he knew to brag about it!

[nikirj]

Originally Posted by jdg

I keep my answers simple - sometimes people pick up on the "crunchy-ness" underlying the answers and ask more. I find that the more mainstream people are, the less likely they are to even notice that my casual answers may be off from the norm, and the less likely they are to ask more, which all kind of solves the problem in itself! Crunchy people seem more keyed in to the answers being not quite the norm.

This. And everything else she said .

I've never hedged about my plans, I just say it. "Where will you have your baby?" "Oh, at home." No need to elaborate. If someone knows what I'm talking about they might follow it with "who will you have there?" or "who is your midwife?" or "will your kids be with you?" kinds of questions. If not, I've never had anyone do anything more dramatic than look confused and be silent for a little while until their brain catches up, and I'm always on to something entirely different by then.

I have the advantage, as a OOH MW, of it being assumed by everyone who knows me enough to know what I do that I'll be giving birth at home. I mostly ran this obstacle course last time around, before I went into MW school.

I feel like the simpler and less apologetic your answers are the less likely an argument is. "I'm having my baby at home." "Is that safe?" "Yes." Not ramble-for-5-minutes-semicoherently-about-studies-you-don't-really-know, just "yes." It's always worked for me, anyway. If you are really sure of yourself, it makes other people wonder if THEY are the ones that aren't actually sure of themselves; it also puts the burden of making a reasonable "but xyz" argument on them, not on you, if they chose to advance the argument (something I have NEVER had happen). YOU get to be the one asking for proof, not them, if they are acting silly and not accepting your decisions. Personally, I'm an adult, and if you don't accept my decisions or keep the peace about them I'm not talking to you (socially, not as a medical professional) until you have something reasonable to say and are willing to listen to me, too, and not rehash old ground over and over.

[Belize Caye Family]

I agree with the previous replies... answer their questions simply, and with confidence. That's why you're doing this

[lyshy]

We haven't told all our friends yet. The one friend of mine has had homebirths and she knows so I assume the others will hear from her. When I told my mom she was excited. She had 8 all natural births (although in a hospital) but she supports it all the way. When I told my MIL she just said "So you are having it in your living room?!??" And I just said wherever my birthing pool fits. She isn't as gung ho about it but she had 4 c-sections so she comes from a different school of thought.

[JennTheMomma]

I started talking about it a couple of months prior to TTCing. I was and have always been pretty open and honest about it. I know some of my family has concerns and are kind of nervous about it, but they still support me.

[Lineymom]

I waited til about 30-32 weeks to tell my mom and dad, 36 weeks to tell the in-laws. Told no one esle (except friends that I knew would be supportive... not blab) including my very anti-crunchy brother until she was born. Gave some calls a few hours after she was born. "Hey you wanna come see the baby." Worked pefect for us!

[earthboundmisfit]

Thanks ladies! this is all great advice. I am thinking I'll get an argument from the ILs..maybe. they are either really blunt about stuff or super passive aggressive so it could go either way. Regardless I have done *tons* of research and know that I could argue circles around them about the safety and benefits of homebirth if I had to

[KaylaBeanie]

This is why I'm so happy I decided I'd homebirth at the tender age of 18

I'm now 20, still years off from marriage and children, yet my friends and family know and think it's great that I'll be HBing. My best friend is HBing her future babes too, so I'm not alone. My mom will make quips that I'm going to "kill her grandbaby by letting it drown in the tub" but she's joking. She was actually talking to a friend she'd lost contact with, who is a labor and delivery RN. Mom told her that I'm all into the home birth thing and want to become a midwife, and her friend says something along the lines of "Oh, that's awesome! You know, most of the time the doctor isn't even needed, normal birth is perfectly safe." It was great that she got that assurance from an outside source who is an "expert", you know?

I'll never forget, I was having Thanksgiving dinner with my now ex-boyfriend and his family. Since my sister and I both are fascinated by all things birth and baby, it's such a common conversation in our household that I sometimes don't think. Ex's mom said something, I think it was about how much it sucked to be in the car while in labor? Something like that. So, without a second thought I just cheerfully say "Oh my goodness, that's exactly why I'm having my babies at home!" Everyone at the table got pretty wide-eyed!

Anyhow, I have no shame. As my peers start to have babies and inevitably end up with painful, traumatic, surgical standard hospital births, I become happier and happier that I'll never have unnecessary interventions, and I hope that by talking about it, some of my peers will make better choices regarding where and how they birth.

[Peace+Hope]

as soon as we started telling people i was pregnant (14 weeks-ish). it usually just comes up, as people ask various questions. if it's someone i know may have questions or be incredulous, i try to be extra soft about it, to encourage that if they want to. and i usually say at least something about how my MWs are confident and experienced in case of transfer to our very close hospital, heh.

[Baby_Cakes]

I didn't tell my Mom and family until I was about 34 or 35 weeks, when they started asking where I was going to have the baby. I was met w/a lot of questions but just kept the answers simple and let them know that this was what we were planning all along. They knew I was seeing a midwife and not an OB but they never asked.
My in-laws, we told earlier b/c we are closer to them. They were supportive but didn't ask any questions, just silent supporters.
I told my best friend when we decided to HB, at around 20 weeks. I was shocked to find out that she herself had been born at home and she was my biggest supporter.

Work ppl would ask and I would tell, and I was met w/a lot of hostility, fear, questioning, etc. It was best not to be defensive, but just end the conversation and thank them for their "support".

[SashaBear]

Does anyone attend a church where they want to be a part of your personal life? Is that phrased right? My church is very personable. With my first birth at the hospital, my entire Sunday school class loaded up and visited me about 15 hours after the birth. They didn't even all fit in the room. With my second a complete stranger asked me in the bathroom if I was dialated yet. I think all this is great and I'm glad I have a larger circle of people that care about me. However I have no interest for them to know I want a homebirth.

[sattygirl99]

I'm just taking it as it comes... I'm 10 weeks and planning a HBA2C. MIL was asking me today about the MW and if I would see an OB at all and then asked 'where are you planning to deliver?'. I simply said 'here' and just kept cleaning the counter. She said 'oh, a homebirth' and kinda left it. I'd mentioned HB with DD but DH wasn't on board (I should've pushed harder, lol) so it's not a shock in the least I don't think.

My family hasn't asked yet... They also haven't prodded me for an exact due date either. I've got an EDD but DD came late so I'm preparing myself (and THEM so they don't bug the crap outta me for the 2 weeks before and almost 2 weeks after my EDD again) for this one to be late too. It'll come out sooner or later where I'm birthing but I've made it pretty clear I'm not planning a RCS either so my mom has probably put 2 and 2 together.

[cocoanib]

Close friends and fam probably already knew that's what we were going to do and told them right away. Others, we just say when it comes up in regular conversation about the baby and stuff.

[springfever]

I don't really volunteer the info unless I'm asked, but I'm not shy about it either. My mom hasn't said much about it except that there will be a mess to clean up after, haha. My grandma is fully supportive, and the rest of my family doesn't really know I don't think. I see them and talk to them all the time but it just hasn't come up. If anyone has a problem with it I'll point them to the studies that prove it's just as safe or safer than hospital birth.

[Brown Lioness]

We have yet to ttc our first and yet my in-laws pretty much know (even my RN MIL!), thanks to hubby, lol. I havent mentioned it to my family but thas because we arent close like that. My friends dont really know either....eh, its just never come up, i guess. Im sure they wont be surprised tho because im the "crunchy" one of the group.

When the time comes, i plan on making it a real normal thing, just answering questions as they come.

[deniselaborde]

Our MW suggested keeping it hush so as not to have to face opposition. But I feel so excited about our decision that I share the news with many. (It's our third birth and first home birth!) Even when people disagree with our decision, they've remained both curious and respectful.

Funny thing is that I am not at all "crunchy" but arriving to this HB decision seems natural to me today. Had you told me 5 yrs ago that I would choose HB I may not have believed it.

Thanks for sharing everyone! I've enjoyed reading this thread.