Aggressive 3yo/Impulse Control Problem/HELP!!

[InMediasRes]

I am so out of ideas with my DS. He is 3 at the end of March and his hitting/spitting/kicking/pushing/headbutting/biting problem has been bad for over a year.

We have recently started working towards getting him some help for SPD. He is especially sound-sensitive and sensory seeking. He is violent all. the. time. I can't seem to figure out why. The big ones seem to be feeling ignored, being excited to see someone, and having an energy overflow. We've also recently discovered that he sometimes does it when a noise bothers him, although he won't tell us that he is bothered, so it seems totally unprovoked.

His play is very aggressive. Animals are always biting each other, cars are always crashing. He wants to play swords or chase or be thrown into the air or on the couch. He wants to take everything out of every possible place and throw it on the floor or at his sister. He breaks/chews on all sorts of things. He screams constantly. He love to wrestle, be tackled, be tickled, be carried around upside down. He is going all. the. time.

He also is very very easily frustrated and melts down over everything. Today he saw a truck out the window and got mad because he wanted to go EAT THE WOOD IN THE BACK OF THE TRUCK and I said no. He hit me repeatedly.

He is especially aggressive with his sister. We do not have pets because I know he would be abusing them too. He just can't stop.

Here's what we've tried:
-Time out
-Letting him hit something else
-Redirecting to some other "appropriately violent" behavior, like hitting the floor with a toy or a wrestling game, or stomping feat or shouting "I'm MAD" when he's mad
-Explaining that hitting, etc. hurts and that we do not want to be hurt
-Plenty of outside running around time and jumpng/running/heavy work in the house
-Removing ourselves from him when he hits, or giving the attention to the hurt party

I just don't know what to do. Some of the things we've tried have worked for a short time. I just don't think he gets that hitting hurts people, and he certainly can't keep himself from doing it. I won't spank, but my DH is starting to toy with the idea. We're supposed to have a talk about it tonight.

Our ped recommended play therapy for anxiety, has anyone done it for aggression? Has it helped? I think once we get him some OT, it might improve, but I just don't know how much is age related and how much is out of the ordinary anymore.

I give him as much attention as I can. I play with him every second that his sister is sleeping, so about 3 hours a day, plus time that I can play with him when she's awake, plus special time out on Saturday. He has never seen any acts of aggression at home. He has watched football with his Papa, and he is somewhat a violent person, but I've talked to him about it and it's been fine for a long time now. He is very set off by yelling, and I do the best I can, but sometimes I have finally gotten the baby occupied with something and he clobbers her and I just can't take it anymore. I always apologize and try again.

Please help mamas. I have anxiety myself, and it is really hard to fight the thoughts that my kid is going to be a bully. And I'm tired of being beaten up all day .

[InMediasRes]

Wanted to add that when he is aggressive in pretend play, he always follows up with a kiss or "I'm sorry". I don't know how to explain that it would be better for his animals not to bite each other or for his cars not to crash than to have to make up for it later without stifling his play, but it's one of the only types of play he likes!

[mamazee]

Some level of aggressive play, especially the swords and crashing cars and that kind of thing, is normal. But it does sound to me like you're beyond normal and I think the SPD work is definitely on the right track. The wanting to wrestle and all the physical touching stuff sounds very much like that.

He also seems to have an overabudance of energy. Maybe diet related? I'm not an expert on that but maybe some kind of physical or other evaluation to find out where that' coming from? I have a very active child and she is and always has been like that sometimes. But maybe what you're dealing with is beyond that? Or maybe the extreme sensory-seeking stuff is intensifying it. My dd is sensory seeking too but not to the extreme of your ds, so maybe the more extreme sensory seeking needs makes the energy more intense as well.

It sounds to me like you're checking into the right kind of stuff so I'd keep going with that, personally. But it sounds awful. How old is his sister? I'd be careful to protect her too, but I'm guessing you're already doing that.

[Erinz]

First, hugs.

Check out these two books:

Raising Cain (really awesome and enlightening about "violence" in boys)
The Science of Parenting

Those are my two favorites for my very physical boy who I am beginning to understand better every day. Compassion is key imo.

[Starry-eyedMom]

I don't have any real advice, but our neighbor has a son who sounds very much like yours! My son has been on the receiving end of quite a few shoves, kicks, bites, etc. in the past few years, even though they seem to be doing everything right to deal with it. Anyway, their son is 4 and a half now, and I will say that it has gotten somewhat better this past year. He seems able to stop quite a bit of the time now, whereas before, he never would.

So, it's possible that the self-regulation phase may be apparent in the next year for you, too! Hang in there!