Are there children that are... - Page 2

[mommy2maya]

For me, it's been a crapshoot.

#1 high needs baby/yong toddler, easy as a kid now
#2 fairly easy all arond
#3 smooth sailing all around, shes 4 now and a bit trying, but overall great
#4, super easy young baby, then around 6m, bam, terrible rotten. She is by far my most challenging child

[honey-lilac]

DS was insanely hard as a baby - insanely insanely insanely high needs and never stopped crying. Scratch that, SCREAMING, all day long. I could go on, but he was so hard to live with. He is now almost three and is relatively easy although still VERY energetic.

DD was an insanely happy, sweet, quiet, mellow baby. She just turned two and she is becoming, in the past few months, crazy-opinionated and can't sit still and is a little bouncy ball of energy and is emotional. She has stopped sleeping (she was STTN practically from birth) whereas DS who NEVER fell asleep without hours of fighting it is now a champion sleeper. She does not listen at ALL, and I know she understands what we want of her, but she just doesn't want to cooperate with us. She's still sweet and lovey though, but it's lucky she's so cute because my patience wears thin with her sometimes.

I can only imagine what the future holds for both.

[Storm Bride]

They are all just...different.

DS1 was middle-of-the-road right from birth. He was not challenging, but he also was not easy (fairly laidback personality, but never slept that much, and was always, always, always on the go and asking questions and stuff).

DD1 was extremely challenging (colicky) as a baby, and cried for 3-4 hours every night. She resisted nursing, did not like to be held or carried a lot of the time, etc. She is still (6.5) very sensitive, and somewhat volatile at times, but she is mostly pretty easy.

DS2 was the easiest baby imaginable. He slept a lot, and was just really content and easy going...until he was about 15 months, and started walking. He still was not all that challenging until about 2 or so. He is now 4.5, and will probably put me on the psych ward before he is done. While I have been typing this and NAKing, he has been painting the dining table with his berry smoothie.

[Jessy1019]

Mine were super easy babies, and only really rough/trying as 3 year olds (so far, my oldest is 7). My son just turned 4 and is coming out of the terrible 3's . . . three seems to be the most common "worst age" among my friends with kids, too. I think it's something to do with their desire for independence coupled with their impulsivity.

I'd say both of my kids are very easy, though, as a whole.

[TulsiLeaf]

Eh, my kid is pretty much what parents dream of. That sounds so snotty to say to. But it's true.

Smoosh came out and slept at least 6 hours by the time we brought her home at 7 days old. Even though she had lots of bottles in the hospital, she went straight to the breast. I never got engorged, and she was always a wonderful nurser. At 4 weeks she was sleeping 8 hours and by 6 weeks she was 12 hours without a peep. Only time she did make a peep was at a growth spurt and she would wake up, nurse quickly and right back off to sleep. Sure we had a bad night once in a while, but that was rare.
She was the type of baby that I could hand to anyone and she would sit there and love to be loved. I could leave her with anyone as long as I was back in time for her to eat. The only time she cried was when she was hungry or wet and when you met that need she stopped. easy peasy. She has never hit or bit anyone. She potty learned and was completely dry at 16 months. It took me 2 weeks of showing her how and then she got it.
I can count on one hand the number of tantrums she has had. And then I am still left with 3 fingers.
Smoosh is polite, respectful and a happy girl. People ask me what my secret is and there isn't one. I just realized when she was placed in my arms that we are a team. And right now, I pull more of the weight because she couldn't verbalized what she needed. I never worried about her sleeping because I just figured it she woke up she woke up and I had to deal with it. So I just went to bed and didn't expect anything. Quite frankly I never expected anything of her. I just responded to what she did. I think a lot of times parents create a lot of problems for their children because they worry "oh they aren't sleeping through the night!" "ohh are they eating enough" "ohh are they doing this to much" A lot of times nervous parents create nervous children.

People tell me that whenever I have another that I won't have it so easy. I don't believe them. My mother had two easy babies and kids. My brother and I were no trouble. I learned a lot from her. Granted we did things differently, she formula fed and did a pretty rigid schedule, but our mothering is similar and I attest how laid back of a Mum I am because of her.


Smoosh is approaching 5, is in pre-k and she is the most laid back kids in her class. She only once got into some sort of trouble. Her and a friend decided when the lunch cart was coming they would sneak out of the room and go to the playground (they wouldn't be able to get there anyway, the whole place is fenced in and locked). Well they got caught pretty fast and that is the only thing she has ever done. The teachers are smitten with her.

[honey-lilac]

Originally Posted by TulsiLeaf

I think a lot of times parents create a lot of problems for their children because they worry "oh they aren't sleeping through the night!" "ohh are they eating enough" "ohh are they doing this to much" A lot of times nervous parents create nervous children.

People tell me that whenever I have another that I won't have it so easy. I don't believe them. My mother had two easy babies and kids. My brother and I were no trouble. I learned a lot from her. Granted we did things differently, she formula fed and did a pretty rigid schedule, but our mothering is similar and I attest how laid back of a Mum I am because of her.

I'm really happy you have had such a great experience with your kiddo!

I'd just like to point out that parenting style does not matter much when you have a highly sensitive or spirited child. I was a SUPER easy baby and child; my mother took all the credit because of her "super parenting skills" - I figured that I would be the same as a mother. I am (well, was) very laid back and relaxed; NOT the nervous parent you describe. My son was high maintenance from the start. HIGH maintenance. HIIIIIIIIGH maintenance. We co-slept, fed on demand, did child-led weaning, all the non-fussy things. No difference in his temperment. My mother was quite humbled when her tried-and-true techniques didn't work on him either. But, oh well.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by TulsiLeaf

Smoosh came out and slept at least 6 hours by the time we brought her home at 7 days old. Even though she had lots of bottles in the hospital, she went straight to the breast. I never got engorged, and she was always a wonderful nurser. At 4 weeks she was sleeping 8 hours and by 6 weeks she was 12 hours without a peep. Only time she did make a peep was at a growth spurt and she would wake up, nurse quickly and right back off to sleep. Sure we had a bad night once in a while, but that was rare.

DS2 was a lot like that...until he was 2.5 or so. DS1 wasn't quite that great a sleeper, but pretty close.

She was the type of baby that I could hand to anyone and she would sit there and love to be loved. I could leave her with anyone as long as I was back in time for her to eat. The only time she cried was when she was hungry or wet and when you met that need she stopped. easy peasy. She has never hit or bit anyone. She potty learned and was completely dry at 16 months. It took me 2 weeks of showing her how and then she got it.
I can count on one hand the number of tantrums she has had. And then I am still left with 3 fingers.

DS1 had a total of one tantrum in his entire life. DS2 never had one until about 2.5. (DD1 came out screaming, and it felt like she didn't stop for months.)

Smoosh is polite, respectful and a happy girl. People ask me what my secret is and there isn't one. I just realized when she was placed in my arms that we are a team. And right now, I pull more of the weight because she couldn't verbalized what she needed. I never worried about her sleeping because I just figured it she woke up she woke up and I had to deal with it. So I just went to bed and didn't expect anything. Quite frankly I never expected anything of her. I just responded to what she did.

I did this with all my kids. It never occurred to me to do anything else.

I think a lot of times parents create a lot of problems for their children because they worry "oh they aren't sleeping through the night!" "ohh are they eating enough" "ohh are they doing this to much" A lot of times nervous parents create nervous children.

Maybe some parents do, but I certainly never worried about any of that stuff. I was told more than once that I was a "natural" and that it was rare to see a new mom so relaxed with baby care. I was even more relaxed with dd1 (aside from some stress about having had another c-section...oh, and that whole "stop breathing" thing she had going on), because I had my mom, stepdad, dh and ds1 to help out with...whatever..getting diapers, grabbing me a glass of water, cooking dinner while I recovered, etc. etc.

People tell me that whenever I have another that I won't have it so easy. I don't believe them. My mother had two easy babies and kids. My brother and I were no trouble. I learned a lot from her. Granted we did things differently, she formula fed and did a pretty rigid schedule, but our mothering is similar and I attest how laid back of a Mum I am because of her.

If you have another, he or she may be easy. I'm sure some of it is genetic. But, temperament is temperament, and some kids are just plain challenging. Being a laid back mom certainly didn't stop dd1 from crying for 3-4 hours every single night for the first few months of her life.

Smoosh is approaching 5, is in pre-k and she is the most laid back kids in her class. She only once got into some sort of trouble. Her and a friend decided when the lunch cart was coming they would sneak out of the room and go to the playground (they wouldn't be able to get there anyway, the whole place is fenced in and locked). Well they got caught pretty fast and that is the only thing she has ever done. The teachers are smitten with her.

DS1's teachers are smitten with him, too. He's been in trouble once in almost 12 years of school.

The thing is...I used to sound like you. I was sure that ds1's amazing personality was because I was such an awesome, loving, laid back, easygoing mom. I was wrong. DS1 is an amazing person, but it's because I'm a lucky parent, not because I was such a great parent. His personality is what it is. I hope I've done my part to nurture his kindness, creativity, enthusiasm for life, etc. - but I sure as heck didn't put them there in the first place. I have three other living children, and none of them have the same personality he had. With the possible exception of dd2 (only 8 months, so I don't know what she'll be like when she's older, but she's an easy, happy, smiley little one right now), none of them have been as easy as ds1 had been by their ages.

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by ShyDaisi

A lot of this "thinking" that started this thread stem from the fact that my brother thinks that my child is a brat (his word) while I think that he is a very energetic, typical 2-year-old that isn't over and above in the behavior department. I am sure that he thinks it is my fault and I am a horrible parent...Maybe he just isn't a 2-year-old kind of person? His wife "might" be pregnant, so it will be interesting to see how things develop over the years...

Wait a minute... your brother doesn't have kids yet?



He'll learn. Ask him if he'd like some ice cream with his humble pie.

[TulsiLeaf]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

The thing is...I used to sound like you. I was sure that ds1's amazing personality was because I was such an awesome, loving, laid back, easygoing mom. I was wrong. DS1 is an amazing person, but it's because I'm a lucky parent, not because I was such a great parent. His personality is what it is. I hope I've done my part to nurture his kindness, creativity, enthusiasm for life, etc. - but I sure as heck didn't put them there in the first place. I have three other living children, and none of them have the same personality he had. With the possible exception of dd2 (only 8 months, so I don't know what she'll be like when she's older, but she's an easy, happy, smiley little one right now), none of them have been as easy as ds1 had been by their ages.

I always loved that saying " I used to sound like you..." Do you realize it almost comes off as insulting, even though I know you don't mean it at all. The reason being is it is invalidating me and giving me that whole "ohhh just you wait, you know nothing" type of attitude that lots of mothers give to one and another. I'm not trying to be a mean horrid you know what, but I guess it's a pet peeve of mine regarding this whole mothering thing. Sorry, I had to say that.

That being said. My daughter is a laid back little girl. She is easy to parent and just came out and we clicked. Now, that being said, it isn't all about her. This whole team we make just doesn't revolve around how awesome of a kid she is. I mean give me credit where credit is due. My kid is pretty awesome because she naturally is an easy kid, but I am a pretty good mum. You can have an amazing kid and ruin their spirit by being a crappy parent. This has happened to so many kids, I mean look at all the abused kids out there!

[TulsiLeaf]

Originally Posted by Kaleanani

I'm really happy you have had such a great experience with your kiddo!

I'd just like to point out that parenting style does not matter much when you have a highly sensitive or spirited child. I was a SUPER easy baby and child; my mother took all the credit because of her "super parenting skills" - I figured that I would be the same as a mother. I am (well, was) very laid back and relaxed; NOT the nervous parent you describe. My son was high maintenance from the start. HIGH maintenance. HIIIIIIIIGH maintenance. We co-slept, fed on demand, did child-led weaning, all the non-fussy things. No difference in his temperment. My mother was quite humbled when her tried-and-true techniques didn't work on him either. But, oh well.

I am not saying that by you being a laid back parent your kid is going to automatically be awesome.

What I am saying is that the way you parent will greatly effect the way your kids deals with the world around them. Maybe I worded it wrong.

I am not talking about techniques in parenting, but the overall mood of parenting. You can be a laid back parent in your approach. What I mean is that you don't have to be the type of laid back person that just lets the kid do whatever, do all the non fussy stuff and wow your kid just comes out super high needs. When I mean a laid back parent with a child with needs I am talking about taking the issue in stride and being laid back about how you need to approach it. Like take your high maintenance child. What I mean by laid back is that lots of parents will get a high needs baby and freak out because omg they need to be carried all the time, omg, they are crying for no reason, WHAT IS THE REASON!!!! omg, they aren't sleeping! now when you have a child that is already a bit on the higher needs end, that doesn't bode well for a balance home. by being a laid back parent you think ohh okay, I have a higher needs baby, she needs to be held more, okay i will just hold her. she isn't sleeping, okay lets just realize she isn't the best sleeper and lets work with it.

I'm trying to explain it better, but I am just really ill right now and ugh. My brain isn't working right. but i am not trying to say if you are just a laid back parent your kid will be perfect. Not the case.

[honey-lilac]

Originally Posted by TulsiLeaf

My daughter is a laid back little girl. She is easy to parent and just came out and we clicked. Now, that being said, it isn't all about her. This whole team we make just doesn't revolve around how awesome of a kid she is. I mean give me credit where credit is due. My kid is pretty awesome because she naturally is an easy kid, but I am a pretty good mum. You can have an amazing kid and ruin their spirit by being a crappy parent. This has happened to so many kids, I mean look at all the abused kids out there!

Uh, hmm. I think that's veering off a tad on the abuse tangent, but anyway...

I'm *sure* you're a good parent, it sounds like you really enjoy parenting. That's fabulous! But perhaps one of the reasons you enjoy parenting is because you have an easy kid? That sounds facetious, but trust me, it's SO much easier to be a good mom when the kid is cooperative, isn't screaming, strangers are cooing over how cute they are instead of giving you the stank eye because they're screaming...

For example. I wore both my babies as babies. Same wrap, everything. With DD, who was happy and content and smiley, strangers would come up all the time and comment on how awesome the wrap was, what a great idea it was, etc. With DS, who would SCREAM in there (and everywhere else too, held in your hand, in a stroller, carseat, any which way) strangers would glare at me, try to tell me that he was uncomfortable, that he must be cold/hot/wet/whatever. Strangers would come up to me assuming I was an unfit parent. Did the SAME thing with DD and they would come up to me assuming I was an awesome parent. See what I mean? Over time that wears on you. Judgement, judgment. It's enjoyable to show off your happy baby and kid. It's miserable to want to hide in your house because your LO is "that kid" that no one wants out in public. The one that strangers all but spit on you after being stuck with on a plane for six hours of nonstop screaming no.matter.what.you.do.

OK, now I'm veering off on a tangent myself, but seriously. When the kids are cooperating that particular day, my self esteem is pretty high. I am fun, silly, we do things together, everything is calm and relaxed and awesome. I feel on top of the world. On other days (like 6 days out of 7) when the kids are NOT being so cooperative, I find it MUCH harder to be that fun, laid back mommy. There is not enough patience in the WORLD for the level of chaos that goes on around here sometimes. I even had DS's therapists tell me that they were exhausted after spending ONE SESSION with him - never mind having both him AND his sister to care for 24/7 with no outside help with no end in sight. If you (and I don't mean you personally, Tulsi) want to try to your parenting style that has succeeded in the past in our house, I would love it if it worked and I could get pointers.

Like one last thing - my mom claimed that I was reading by the age of 2 spontaneously because she read to me every day from birth. DS is now turning 3 and he doesn't know a single letter of the alphabet. My mom says it's because I don't read to him. She would read books and books and books to me every day. To this day DS has not been able to sit through ONE BOOK with me, he just doesn't have the attention span going on. So, I mean, it's not always parenting *choices* or *attitudes* but rather what you have to work with.

ETA: I have said since DD was a baby that DS came first to humble me and DD came to restore my faith in myself and my self-esteem. With DS I thought I was a horrible, worthless, "why can't I do this??" mother. With DD I realized it wasn't me at all.

And one last last ETA. My best friend from childhood just had a baby not long ago. SUPER. EASY. Let me tell ya. I know she doesn't quite "get" what my life has been like since having kids. But you know something, I love her and the baby and I feel GLAD she had an easy kid! I don't want to "just show her" or wish a hard child on her or laugh and say "hope your next kid is a difficult child" or anything. I hope she never has to deal with a difficult baby. She's been through a lot in her life and I'm so happy she finds joy and peace in her parenting role; she's a fantastic mother. So please don't think I'm all bitter about people with easy kids. I'm not. I just think that some people (again, not YOU tulsi) would do well to remember "if not for god's grace there would i walk" or whatever the actual quote is. Sometimes it's luck. The only time I would really want to point that out is when the other moms are being judgmental about the other's parenting styles. Like, "she should just" or "well, obviously the child is loud because" etc.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by TulsiLeaf

I always loved that saying " I used to sound like you..." Do you realize it almost comes off as insulting, even though I know you don't mean it at all. The reason being is it is invalidating me and giving me that whole "ohhh just you wait, you know nothing" type of attitude that lots of mothers give to one and another. I'm not trying to be a mean horrid you know what, but I guess it's a pet peeve of mine regarding this whole mothering thing. Sorry, I had to say that.

I invalidated you? I saw your entire post as invalidating the experiences of everyone who didn't luck out with an easy baby. And, you know...the "you know nothing" attitude (not my favourite either) is often a response to flat-out bragging.

That being said. My daughter is a laid back little girl. She is easy to parent and just came out and we clicked. Now, that being said, it isn't all about her. This whole team we make just doesn't revolve around how awesome of a kid she is. I mean give me credit where credit is due. My kid is pretty awesome because she naturally is an easy kid, but I am a pretty good mum. You can have an amazing kid and ruin their spirit by being a crappy parent.

Yeah - and you can be an amazing mum, and still have a challenging child. Your first post didn't acknowledge that, not even a little bit, and this one doesn't really, either.

This has happened to so many kids, I mean look at all the abused kids out there!

Abuse is a whole other issue, and I find it a weird direction to take this topic. And, sometimes abuse happens when a parent is at the end of their rope, because their child is not easy and they don't have anywhere (or don't think they have anywhere) to go for help. Dealing with a child who sleeps for 6 hour stretches is a whole differnet ballgame than dealing with a child who cries for 6 hours stretches, yk?

[honey-lilac]

Originally Posted by TulsiLeaf

Like take your high maintenance child. What I mean by laid back is that lots of parents will get a high needs baby and freak out because omg they need to be carried all the time, omg, they are crying for no reason, WHAT IS THE REASON!!!! omg, they aren't sleeping! now when you have a child that is already a bit on the higher needs end, that doesn't bode well for a balance home.

Hm, well, yes, I think you make a great point or seven there.

Have you ever had to hold a screaming baby down while he struggled in your arms for many, many hours a day, like up to four or five hours per night (that's just trying to get them to sleep, they cried the rest of the day too) while they screamed so loud that you lost partial hearing in your ear? Where your neighbors called to make sure they don't have to send CPS out because you're abusing your child? Where you were accused of child abuse because your child self-injured so much? Where you had to literally take the IV out of your arms while you were in the hospital and leave AMA when you NEEDED to be in the hospital, because the babysitter you had for your child couldn't take his screaming and said they were leaving? While your other baby was crying for attention because she needed mommy, but you couldn't be there for her? It breaks your HEART to see your child suffer, night after night after night, not being able to go to the bathroom by yourself, or get more than 2-3 hours of sleep per NIGHT (not in a stretch, per night) for literally YEARS at a time. To have no positive input (like no "mama", no laughs, no eye contact, etc.) from your child until they were about 2 years old.

Oh yeah, it's not that easy to just take it all in stride sometimes.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by TulsiLeaf

When I mean a laid back parent with a child with needs I am talking about taking the issue in stride and being laid back about how you need to approach it. Like take your high maintenance child. What I mean by laid back is that lots of parents will get a high needs baby and freak out because omg they need to be carried all the time, omg, they are crying for no reason, WHAT IS THE REASON!!!!

So, you're laid back when that happens? How do you know? Maybe you really can stay laidback while your child cries for 4 hours a night, but very few people can, no matter how easy going they started out. We're wired to respond to a baby's cries, and when no response helps, I'm afraid even laid back people get stressed out.

omg, they aren't sleeping! now when you have a child that is already a bit on the higher needs end, that doesn't bode well for a balance home.

When you have a high needs baby, there is no "balance".

[honey-lilac]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

We're wired to respond to a baby's cries, and when no response helps, I'm afraid even laid back people get stressed out.

Yes, that.

[rightkindofme]

Originally Posted by TulsiLeaf

I always loved that saying " I used to sound like you..." Do you realize it almost comes off as insulting, even though I know you don't mean it at all. The reason being is it is invalidating me and giving me that whole "ohhh just you wait, you know nothing" type of attitude that lots of mothers give to one and another. I'm not trying to be a mean horrid you know what, but I guess it's a pet peeve of mine regarding this whole mothering thing. Sorry, I had to say that.

That being said. My daughter is a laid back little girl. She is easy to parent and just came out and we clicked. Now, that being said, it isn't all about her. This whole team we make just doesn't revolve around how awesome of a kid she is. I mean give me credit where credit is due. My kid is pretty awesome because she naturally is an easy kid, but I am a pretty good mum. You can have an amazing kid and ruin their spirit by being a crappy parent. This has happened to so many kids, I mean look at all the abused kids out there!

You know what... I have one, beautifully easy, happy, mellow child as well. She is the kind of child who beams happiness and everyone for blocks around comes out to visit with her when we amble around the neighborhood. She never runs away and when she starts being gigglingly mischievous (not bad nor defiant) I can tell her in a serious voice, "You need to stop that." ... And she does. It's a flippin miracle. I have never heard of a kid being this obedient in my life.

It's not me. This is just her personality. I think I am a good mom for her because my quirks line up with hers pretty well and I'm super accommodating of her needs (when she has them--seriously she is breathtakingly mellow) but that doesn't mean I am a better parent than someone who has a challenging child. Your whole original post and follow ups really come across as it is the mother's fault for not being 'x' enough for their kids and that's why their kid's do 'whatever undesirable behavior'. That's bunk.

Maybe people condescend to you because you are condescending to them.

[TulsiLeaf]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I invalidated you? I saw your entire post as invalidating the experiences of everyone who didn't luck out with an easy baby. And, you know...the "you know nothing" attitude (not my favourite either) is often a response to flat-out bragging.


Yeah - and you can be an amazing mum, and still have a challenging child. Your first post didn't acknowledge that, not even a little bit, and this one doesn't really, either.


Abuse is a whole other issue, and I find it a weird direction to take this topic. And, sometimes abuse happens when a parent is at the end of their rope, because their child is not easy and they don't have anywhere (or don't think they have anywhere) to go for help. Dealing with a child who sleeps for 6 hour stretches is a whole differnet ballgame than dealing with a child who cries for 6 hours stretches, yk?

My whole thing about abuse was that you can have a wonderfully natured kid and them being in an abusive situation will ruin that nature. So parenting does make a BIG difference in children. You can have an autistic child and with them being in the right environment, you won't change the autism, but you can change the quality of life to make the autism as easy as it could possible be. Parenting DOES make a difference.

I am sorry if it isn't coming out well. I am really ill right now and I have nothing else better to do than sit on the sofa, sleep or troll the internets. I wasn't trying to brag about my kid to make others feel bad, but the whole topic is talking about how your children are. My kid is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay laid back and easy. I attribute it to her nature and our family dynamic. My whole point is that the kid isn't the whole part of the equation. I mean, could you imagine a super high needs baby in a household that propped bottles, did CIO, and all that? Not good. While breastfeeding, babywearing and co sleeping might not cure that, it makes it more bearable and easier on the child.

Anyways, I'll come back when I am not so sick, not so crabby and not so ugh. It's not so good to try to have an intellectual discussion when your intellect is not in your head. So I apologize if I just not coming across how I want. I'm a bear with a sore head right now.

[Linda on the move]

Originally Posted by TulsiLeaf

My kid is waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay laid back and easy. I attribute it to her nature and our family dynamic. My whole point is that the kid isn't the whole part of the equation.

I used to think crap like that when I had one easy baby too!!!! I used to think that my baby was happy because I was such a good mother. What a joke! My second child screamed for year. A year. Do you have any idea what it's like to live like that?

I started out even MELLOWER with the second child because, get this, I thought I knew what I was doing and that I was a great mom.

It's a curse. Even thinking those thoughts is a curse.

"Easy baby" and "high need baby" are just a crap shoot. They come out of the womb that way. We have nothing to do with it.

[AutumnAir]

It's much easier to think of yourself as a good mother if you have mediocre parenting skills and an easy kid than it is to think of yourself as even a mediocre parent if you have wonderful parenting skills and a difficult kid.

While I don't deny that parenting plays a role in a kid's development I believe that the results of that generally come quite a bit later. Kids are born with their own inherent personalities and nothing the parents do will change that any more than your style of parenting can change your kid's eye colour or how tall they will grow. I'm a fairly laid-back and patient person, and mother, but let me tell you when your tiny baby screams her head off day in day out for months and you're trying to cope on a handful of hours of very broken sleep - laid-back and patient are not how you could describe your feelings! Sleep deprivation is a real hazard in APing a HN kid and it shouldn't be taken lightly.

If my kid had slept for 12 hours straight from 6 weeks old then I would certainly have been in a better place to remain calm and collected for the other 12 hours when she was screaming her head off. But you know what? I EBFed my crazy intense little girl who wanted to be latched on *all* the time for her first year, and more. She's still nursing now at over 2. I *never* let her CIO despite some very real and serious sleep deprivation and mental health issues for me. I held her all the time, never left her with anyone else for more than a few minutes (including her dad) as she would scream so hard she started shaking and turning purply-blue if I left her side. I have practised GD with a *constantly* testing and tantruming toddler.

I am not a perfect parent - in fact for most of DD's life I was convinced I was the worst mother ever, because she was sooooo miserable and nothing I could do could fix it. But now I'm slowly coming to realise that I'm probably not that bad, and trying to give myself credit for persevering under adverse conditions. I am seriously hoping that the next one is one of those lovely easy babies that everyone else around me seems to have - but I do realise that it's very much the luck of the draw.

I refuse to blame myself anymore for 'causing' my DD's challenging personality, and I will not take on guilt if the next one turns out to be a handful too. I'll have enough on my plate without beating myself up for doing abc or not doing xyz which would of course have made my kids into perfect angels. They are who they are - even the one in utero already has their own personality and nothing I do/don't do will change that. All I can hope to do is help them grow and develop their personality as best as I can while respecting both their needs and my own.

[limabean]

My kids are both a piece of cake when they're alone, and more difficult when they're together. So ... my DS was a piece of cake for the first 3.5 years of his life, until he became a big brother, and DD has had her challenges from day 1, but only in relation to being a little sister. They're still both super easy when we're alone together. And a lot of that is probably my temperament -- I do best one-on-one in all my relationships.