For those of you with a baby and a toddler, how hard is it really?

[ArtistMama28]

My husband and I are on the fence about trying to have another child. We both work full time (opposite schedules) and we can both see lots of reasons to stop with one ... and some reasons two would be nice.

So, how much harder is it, really, to take care of two at once?

[galincognito]

i think it totally depends on the family. for us, there have been some very challenging times and lots of great times. personally, the biggest difficulty that i've had to adjust to is triaging my kids' needs. when dd1 was an only, i could attend to her needs immediately but when two kids need me at the same time, i have to tend to the one with the most immediate need first. this doesn't mean that i ignore a child or anything but for example, dd1 has to wait for her chocolate milk (even though she is whining incessantly in my ear) until i am done cleaning up dd2's diaper that exploded everywhere. or dd2 has to wait for me to pick her up until i am done helping dd1 on the potty.
i don't really think i can quantify how much harder it is but i definitely can't imagine my life without both my kids and i even though there have been times over the past year where i wondered what i've gotten myself into, i still want to have more kids.
it's a super individual decision, but whatever you decide, it will be the best for your family!

[hakeber]

Benjamin is 4 which I guess is not really a toddler anymore, is it? but it has been plenty hard with him. He started kindergarten last week and that has been much easier, but I cannot IMAGINE having had the second when he was younger. It just wouldn't work for my temperment.

I find it a LOT of work to entertain him, protect his feelings, and just be the fun mom I have been and also nurse, and clean, and protect the baby. He is better now six weeks later, but at first he was REALLY rough with her and it scared me and DH to death. I can't imagine he would have been better at that even younger.

I am really glad I waited 4 years to have another. I think any longer and we would have wound up with kids in different generations which would be like having two only children, but any sooner I might have gone nuts! But that's me. I know plenty of parents that had all their kids within 2 years of eachother and they said it was great. You never get used to sleeping again, so that helps and you still have all the stuff from baby No1 to recycle (we had to buy all new stuff having given most of it away over the years).

[Sweetiemommy]

Depends on the toddler's personality, the age/stage and the mother's personality, also how much support you have and how much your husband is home, etc. For example, I had my second when my extremely active son was 18 months. My husband also worked long days with a long commute and we had recently moved to a new area and hadn't made any friends. It was horrible, truly horrible. On the contrary, I just had my third baby and my oldest son is 5, middle son is 3 and things are great. Both of my kids are at a manageable stage and can handle instruction (better than an 18 month old) and they are old enough to pick up their toys with minimal supervision, help with the dog, take out trash, clean up their own dishes, get an easy snack....And I have lots of friends at my church who brought me meals and my mom was able to take 2 weeks off from work to help me rest and recover, my husband still works long hours and commutes, but at least I have other people to help me and it doesn't seem as bad. I think, in hindsight, I would have waited until my oldest was at least 3, if not 4, just because he had a better attention span, could follow directions better and at 4 - has a lot of empathy (mommy doesn't feel good right now, can you wait). Whereas a young toddler has no idea that anyone exists for any reason other to serve him/her. It is purely developmental. Now, with that said, some toddlers are very easy and laidback, but become more challenging as older children, so who knows? There are so many factors involved! Basically, if you are super worn out and exasperated by your current child, it might be better to wait. If you feel like you are handling the child you have really well, you might be okay to go ahead. And if it is a question of 1 vs. 2, 1 is always easier, because there is only one of them!

[Heidi74]

I agree with the others in that I'm sure it depends a lot on the situation. The age gap, your toddler's personality, outside help, whether you have a high needs or an easy baby, etc.

For us, it has so far been easier than I expected. (I say so far, because I am well aware that it may change.) Before we had DS2 I listened to all these horror stories about having two kids close in age, and how they would always be picking on eachother and I wouldn't be able to attend to both their needs. So, I expected it to be really, really, really tough. Mine are 23 months apart, and DS1 is now 2 1/2. DS2 is 7 months. While it has been incredibly hectic so far, it's managable. Yes, someone occasionally has to wait a bit, but I can usually attend to their needs quickly. But then, DS2 is a super easy-going baby who slept a lot in the beginning and still sleeps quite a bit during the day. Also, right now at least they tend to not nap at the same time, which is awful for me since I don't get a break, but good for them since they can maximise alone time with mommy.

The biggest change for me has been having few or no breaks in my day. Right now, DS2 is settling really well for the night, so I can relax after they're both in bed (around 8'ish), but at times that hasn't been the case. With one child you get used to relaxing a bit during naps or when they're playing quietly by themselves. With two, that can't be taken for granted.

Today, DH took care of DS1 while I took DS2 to the mall to do some clothes shopping for myself. He slept in the stroller for most of the time I was there, and I caught myself thinking how when I'm alone with just one of them it feels like a break, compared to the usual two. Even pushing a single stroller instead of a double, felt like a breeze! So yes, it's more work, but to me being with both of them has become the new normal.

[_betsy_]

We work opposite shifts (I WOH FT, nights, DH is self employed and works days. He's home with the kids 90% of the time at work, there's two evenings a week the girls go to my MIL's). Our girls are 27 months apart.

It's been hard. The lack of sleep is at times overwhelming. DD1 has been remarkably wonderful with the baby, no/very very little jealousy issues, etc. They share a room.

It would be a lot easier on all of us if I didn't have to work. It would be easier on all of us if we had a fenced back yard I could let them play in (we're in a condo with absolutely no yard at all, we have to go to a park to let them get a chance to do any running around).

DD2 is an easier baby and has fit in well. She has always just seemed to be "along for the ride." It's a juggling act taking care of two small children (DD1 is not-quite 3.5, DD2 is 13 months). Having DD1 out of diapers and fully potty learned has been a huge help. Me getting comfortable allowing them to play together without direct supervision for 10 minutes has also really helped. But DD2 is now beginning to be a climber, and that presents a whole new set of concerns. DD1 was never a climber and a very cautious type, DD2 is a bit of a daredevil already.

I've made it a point to make sure DD1 and I do something fun, just for her, one on one, when the baby goes down for her morning nap.

They are close enough in age that there's a lot of stuff they like to do together. A lot of the things I do to entertain/engage DD1 are also interesting to DD2 and vice versa.

[tracymom1]

DS was 22 months old when his sister was born. If we had been more responsible about birth control, I would have waited another year before trying for #2. That being said, having them this close in age was a blessing in disguise. I was terrified of having 2 small ones to take care of! I was so exhausted at the end of the day with just one that I could not imaging having a baby to care for as well.

The truth of it is, really, that the first couple of months will be challenging. The family dynamic will go through some growing pains and you all will have to figure out new routines and adjust accordingly. For some families this transition happens easily, for others (like ours) it can be a bit of a struggle. Now that DD is 7 months old, I can honestly say that this is the most fun, rewarding and happy time of my life!! Even though she has been high-needs and DS is in the middle of the 'terrible twos', we really are having the best time ever. Having a 'surprise' second baby makes me want to have another!

[JudiAU]

It is quite hard in the begining because the two children have such different needs. I found the first four month really rough but part of that was because I was home for the first time in awhile and DS went back to graduate school and we didn't have other real help. I am co-sleeping with this one and that helps. Our 2.5 had some sleep disruptions and that didn't help.

DD is almost seven months and at around 5-6 months it got much easier. I just had things figured out and she was starting to play and be more fun.

Just in time for me to go (bitterly) back to work full-time a few weeks ago.

[ArtistMama28]

Thanks for all your thoughtful replies! I can see how it would depend a lot on the family dynamic. Dd is fairly easygoing at 9 months, but dh and I both value our space and quiet time. I guess I won't know for sure unless we actually go for it ...

I think I would miss the ability to focus exclusively on dd. Oh, and what little money I have. Plus it would be nice to see my husband more often when dd starts school (rather than having to wait for the second to start, or feeling pressure to quit my job.)

And yet, I also think it could be really fun and make our lives richer. Plus tiny babies fall asleep curled up right on your chest. How great is that.

Either way, I think we probably won't wait too long because we aren't as young as we used to be.

[paranoidprego]

i just have to weigh in here... i definitely am in favor of more than one child. i am an only child and as nice as it was to have mommy all to myself. i desperately have always wanted a sibling.
i now have 3 little ones (4, 2 and 3 months) and it is busy! my first two are 2 years apart exactly and it was challenging at times, but they have so much fun with each other now. i think it was good for dd1 to have to share the limelight with baby brother. she had 2 whole, wonderful years being the center of attention which made her become this awesome big sister who teaches her little brother everything she knows. i think adding the 3rd has been way more difficult, but its getting better already. i would like to have another someday, but we would like there to be at least 2 1/2 years apart between babies.
just my two cents.

[starlein26]

Originally Posted by Sweetiemommy

Depends on the toddler's personality, the age/stage and the mother's personality, also how much support you have .....

....There are so many factors involved! Basically, if you are super worn out and exasperated by your current child, it might be better to wait. If you feel like you are handling the child you have really well, you might be okay to go ahead. And if it is a question of 1 vs. 2, 1 is always easier, because there is only one of them!

[lindsayjean]

my kids are 2 1/2 yrs apart, and while others can handle a closer spacing- I don't know if I could!! My DD is very independent for an almost 3 yr old (baby is 6 months) and I still find the multitasking to be somewhat challenging. I can't imagine what I would do if she was under 2 and still needed me SO much. She plays by herself a lot and can do a lot of things by herself.

Honestly, though, some moms I know LOVE having their kids super closely spaced, but I guess with how I parent I don't know that it would be really possible. But I guess we can make anything work, right?

I'm hoping for a 3 yr spacing for my next child

[flower01]

My DD is almost 3 and DS is 5 months. I think this spacing is perfect because there are so many things DD can do independantly. There are challenges for sure, but the joy of seeing the 2 together cannot be beat. If i were you i would really wait a little bit longer to try for your 2nd.