I need some advice

[FallingLeaves]

My inlaws live with us. My FIL is retired and works nights part time. My MIL doesn't work and sleeps till about 9. When FIL has to work, he sleeps during the day, works that night, then sleeps during the following day. The problem that I am having is tyring to keep my 2 and 4 year olds quiet to accommodate FIL and MIL's sleeping. I am starting to feel a little resentful because it's not really fair that my small children have to be quiet in their own home to accommodate their grandparents. While I want to teach DD's to be respectful of others, I am so tired of saying you need to play quietly because FIL and/or MIL is sleeping. I don't remind them as much as DH does. He works away alot, and is currently away. But when he is here, he threatens with ridiculous things like making them go to be if they aren't quiet. It's like my husband isn't thinking about anyone but his parents. My thoughts are they choose to live in a house that has 2 small children and they will just have to figure out a way to deal with it. I am seriously thinking about buying them each a pair of ear plugs and just letting my girls enjoy their childhood without constantly being reminded how they need to be quiet because MIL and FIL are sleeping. So I guess I have two questions. How would you handle this? Would you focus on trying to teach DD's that they need to be quiet when others are sleeping or would you just let them go about their day playing as they wish? How would you discuss this with DH? I am really tired of his threats to DD's when his parents are sleeping.

[Jenne]

This is such a tough situation! I have no btdt advice with kids...just my own dh sometimes works nights for a month at a time...we used to live in a 1 bedroom apartment and I worked from home...there was nowhere in the apartment I could talk on the phone that didn't sound like I was standing on the bed having my conversation. Awful. I truly feel for you!

Have your inlaws complained about the kids being loud? Have *they* requested that the girls be quieter? I don't know that it is the case with your inlaws but sometimes older folks don't hear as well as younger folks...maybe the noise doesn't/won't bother them? Have you tried being in your inlaws room and have someone make lots of noise in other parts of the house to see if you can hear it? What about putting noise reduction foam around the door and wall that face the rest of the house?

I think you have legitimate concerns about always shushing your kiddos. I also think it is reasonable to learn to be quiet--kids who live in apartments have to learn not to stomp their feet or be loud too. I suggest having an adults only meeting, first just you and dh (since you have larger concerns about the threatening) and then with the 4 of you to discuss this issue.

Best of luck!

Jenne

[Joyster]

I'm inclined to agree with you. With you FIL it's a little tricky because it is work. I might try to schedule a nap time and quiet time during part of the time he's resting, some outside time, and maybe schedule my errands for those days when he's working. (Errands and outside time, would keep me out the better part of the morning. Then lunch, then quiet/nap time.That will give him some time to rest. I would keep the kids down to a dull roar, but I wouldn't stop normal interactions.

However I also think that you somewhat accept the challenge of sleeping during the day if you move into a house with small children. I can't imagine myself moving into a house with small kids and expecting quiet after 6:30. (sigh, my kids used to sleep in til 8. Glory days!) With MIL, I think she might have to just accept more of the flow of the household and go to bed a little earlier if she wants the extra sleep. I also think DH should back you up on kids being at least a little noisy.

[Addy's Mom]

Are your inlaws complaining about noise, or are you just trying to be proactively polite?

Courtesy is great, and a wonderful lesson. But kids also deserve to act in developmentally appropriate ways (especially in their own home), which like it or not includes noise. I personally would not curb abnormal noise during reasonable hours (maybe 7am to 8pm).

[MacKinnon]

These situations are hard, however, they are living in a house with small children, and with children comes noise! It seems that there should be a mutually agreeable middle ground. Have you talked with them about their need for quiet? It could be they wouldn't mind at all ear plugs and a noise maker/fan so that the kids can play! I do think that wanting your kids to be able to play in their home, without constant reminders, is a reasonable request.

[MCR]

I'm living like that too, Dh works a weird shift and gets up at 11am for work. Dd is 5, I think it will be better when she starts K as she can be more "normal"
As it is, I do try to stay a little quieter before about 9am, eat, watch some cartoons (yeah I know) and even let her play at starfall.com with headphones on. But some days she's loud. Her Dad will get up and usually not mention it, but thats life with a little kid. I want her to be loud sometimes. I have noticed our 16 year old shushes her a lot, and not just when Dad is sleeping, I think he forgets Dad got up and went to work.
I'd let loose after 7 or 8 am and see what they say. My mother can sleep through Dd'S noise maybe your MIL can too.

[boysmom2]

I think suggesting a noise maker of some sort is a great idea. In the winter we have a humidifier in our room and in summer a window fan. It nicely drowns out the noisy neighbors!

Also, it sounds like in your post that they are living in your house. I think it would be more on you to be accomodating if they were supporting you/letting you live in their house. I think you should be able to come to a reasonable compromise either way, but I think whoever the "guests" are should be the ones to fit themselves into the household they are joining. KWIM?

[Ola_]

How about planning outside play time or an outing till about noon on the days when FIL is sleeping? I definitely wouldn't make them be quiet the whole day. Honestly I used to work nights when my youngest siblings were born (big age difference, lol) and you totally learn to sleep through noise (not crazy noise, but some noise).

[JL83]

We live in a townhouse. Being quiet is part of that deal (same as people in apartments or other forms of shared living).

I don't think there's anything wrong with teaching children to be quiet. It's not destroying their childhood or anything else ridiculous like that. Being loud inside isn't a mandatory part of being little.

I grew up in a huge house, but it was NEVER OK to yell or be loud. We were expected to behave in such a way that we could be hear in the room we were in but not in a different room. We use the same rules at my house. Being loud is something that we do outside.

Right now we live next to 2 nurses who work nights. So we make sure not to make loud noises before noon. The flip side of that is that they make sure that they don't make lots of noise late in the evening even though that's when they're up and getting ready for work and stuff like that.

I really don't understand this idea that little kids are loud. They do cry at times, but beyond that it's just not part of our lives.

[new2this]

I can understand wanting to teach them to be quiet while people are sleeping, however they are kids and its during the day. I think most people who have worked nights and sleep during the day are used to sleeping through normal day time noise.
Now walking through the house banging on drums would be a different situation..lol but in general I don't think sushing them all the time is the answer. Besides no matter what it is hard to accomodate everyone all the time. Unless your inlaws have said something I wouldn't be to worried about it and let them be kids within reason. I mean even if people were not sleeping I wouldn't allow loud yelling ect going on anyways.

[berry987]

I think it's always good to teach kids "inside" voices and behavior, although I think there is room for loudness here and there. So, for the "here and there" get your in-laws a sound machine (we have one from Brookstone that is specifically for infants, but has six or so sounds). When ours is on white noise you really can't here much of anything going on in the house. We have a fairly small ranch house and our master bedroom is a few feet from the living room. So whenever me or DH needs to take a nap while the kids are running around, we use it. It works great - I never hear a thing and I have three very loud boys under five.

[Smithie]

If this is a long-term living situation, then you need to do what makes you comfortable. Years of tiptoeing around sleeping grandparents is going to create resentment across the board - you, the kids, even your dh.

It sounds like your problem is actually with your dh, not so much with your ILs. You need to start shutting him down when he shushes the girls during the day. There's no need to have a big fight about it - just interrupt the threat session before it gets well underway and say "nope, it's daytime. Making noise is OK." Period full stop end of story. Refuse to fight about it. Refuse to change your mind. Refuse to let him threaten, and he'll give it up (probably with some relief that you've taken the issue out of his hands, so he is no longer trying to balance the conflicting desires of his parents and his children).

[sapphire_chan]

Can you make a regular playdate/library trip/park day on the day before FIL has work? That'd guarantee he'd be rested for going to work. If you could do it easily, it'd be a nice gesture.

Other than that, I think FIL and MIL are adults and can figure out their own ear plug arrangements.

And if they can't sleep through ordinary kid noise they aren't really tired.

Obviously not screaming and screaming, but even in apartments kids can be louder than they'd need to be at the library.

[VisionaryMom]

Lots of kids I knew had parents who worked shift-work. They had to be quiet during the day, and they learned to handle it. I would plan for some time outside if they need it.

I actually don't think 9 AM is mid-day and that's it unreasonable to expect the kids to be quiet until then. My dd wakes up by 6:30, too, but that doesn't mean she has to run around screaming. Quiet play is good and appropriate, too.

(Disclaimer: I'm an insomniac with lifelong sleep issues. For me, children's "right" to play as loud as they want doesn't trump rights of folks to sleep until a reasonable hour.)

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

And if they can't sleep through ordinary kid noise they aren't really tired.

.

Oh, how I wish that were true!

[lilyka]

What time do your kids get up? how loud are they? have the ILs complained? Does your dh want his parents to sleep or does he just generally want the kids to learn to be a little more quiet in general. When you say FIL works nights do you mean evenings, till midnight or overnight?

I would start by helping your kids be calm and quiet in the mornings. I have never allowed my kids to be loud and obnoxious even though we had no one sleeping in our home. It did not stifle them. also schedule some things outside of the house when you can. then compromise on the rest. maybe hold back until 8:00 (even though I am up by 7:00 I do not want my kids running and screaming around me until a few hours later, its still an ungodly hour of the morning.) and then let nature take its course. Be more careful on the mornings after FIL has been working. Also make sure you are respecting your husband and his desires and the way he wants to raise his kids. this whol quiet thing seems important to him beyond his parents sleeping.

[Purple*Lotus]

When my Grandparents lived with us when I was in college, my parents explained to them that I worked until 11 PM and so I would be showering when I came home, etc, and that they would have to adjust to that. That I could not adjust my schedule because they were staying there.

I don't think is is reasonable for your kids to be as quiet as they would be in a library. I think the ear plugs is a good solution. I wouldn't allow them to make excessive amounts of noise, but I think it is unreasonable to expect them to be super quiet in their own home.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

DH works overnights and we have a small house.

It is unrealistic to keep a small child quiet.

I heavily sound-proofed a room for DH. We put up a solid-core door, lined the common walls with cork, put a "white noise" machine in the room (really just a loud fan), blackout curtains on the windows, and a curtain that goes over the door (it helps block sound). This generally cuts down on the high frequency noises and he can sleep just fine.

Low-frequency noises, like the noises that are made from jumping and running are harder to block. So I do encourage DD to go outside if that is what she feels like doing before he is awake.

It seems that when everyone is living together like you are, environmental changes might be the way to go, with some not-to-difficult compromises made by all parties.

Also we put one of those rice socks for drafts along the bottom of the door - it helps block noise.

[FallingLeaves]

Thanks for all of your replies. DD's aren't running around stomping and screaming they are just being 2 and 4 yo's. What usually happens is if FIL is sleeping - MIL and/or DH will say over and over "be quiet because grandpa is sleeping" or "be quiet, grandpa has worked all night and needs to sleep". If MIL is sleeping FIL and/or DH will say "be quiet because grandma is sleeping". I am the only one in my home that practices attachment parenting so the needs of adults are more important to the other adults in my home. No one has come out and said the noise is a problem, they just continue to shush DD's anytime another adult is sleeping. With DH, I don't think it is a general noise issue, he just seems to be thinking about his parents needs (I'm refering to the noise issue, as well as other issues) more than DD's and my needs .

[butterfly_mommy]

I would talk to my DH and tell him that I think it is unrealistic for a 2 and 4 year old to be quite all day long and very frustrating to be shhsed all the time and that it doesn't take our DD's needs into consideration. Then I would suggest that we all sit down as a family and discuss what everyones needs are and try to figure out a routine that includes some quite time with some less then quite time. Then I would plan to take the girls out wither for outside play or to an activity place depending on the weather. I go out with DS and the 3 year old I care for at least once a day. I would also try to nap the girls during quite time and plan some quite activities at home like reading, arts/crafts, puzzles, baking etc Then I would encourage/plan louder boisterous activities during less then quite time like music, dancing, ride on toys, ect.