It really is tragic how many adults have to deal with issues left over from lack of good (or ANY!) parenting. All of you who've shared your stories here and on other threads -
(warning, LONG! Rosebud, your post hit a raw nerve I guess, lol.)
I also think that its sometimes best to leave the relationship behind and move on to get healthy. In my case, my mother and I will never hate each other and she will be allowed in, on a superficial level with short, light conversations. She did some terrible things, made choices that suited HER even when it meant that her kids would pay bigtime - but, it was not some of the horrid abuse that I've read about. I can fake it in order not to rock the boat even more. For my health & sanity, I need space from her to figure out how to do that. Our "relationship" is certainly not something I can't live without! Since early childhood, I've been solving her problems (she used my sis & I as pawns, many times, after a messy divorce and other times) and listening to her problems and dealing with the fights SHE still causes btwn us siblings... and recovering from some much heavier stuff that I don't feel right posting on the internet.
Right now, I just have so much rage in me toward her, things I'm remembering now, that I know it would turn back on me if I tried to talk with her about even mundane stuff, let alone anything meaningful. Besides that, conversations with her are more of an update on her life. She has a problem that when someone is talking with her, she doesn't hear what they say, b'c she's thinking of how it affects her & what she wants to say next. She's even admitted that. I have opened and told her things before and 100% of the time, it goes like this: she'll try to make me into some sort of liar who tells a story to get attention, then when she finally realizes that yes the incident really did happen she immediately tries to minimize it or say that it was my fault somehow. Then, she completely blows it off and comes back with a problem that she's having or complains about some physical ailment, etc. Its just wrong.
I will (probably) be able to fake it in a while, but right now I feel like I can only see her as a woman who did this to her kids, not "my mother". I have physical scars on my body from times where it was absolutely her fault for the injury or not having proper care for the wound, so I'm scarred. I was teased for those scars too, even tho I've tried to never let it bother me too much. I was always told that many things were my or my sis's fault but I can now see that she failed in her responsibilities and my sis & I have paid & paid. Well, thats over. I've had enough of that supposed lovely mother/daughter relationship & am healthier without her. It will be superficial from now on. It always has been I guess, but now I see that & won't invest my time trying to make her hear me, trying so hard to be important enough to her. I have been silently grieving my mom's love and approval for years and thats what I'm letting go. And, honestly, my kids will never spend time alone with her without me or my partner/husband.
In some cases, I can completely see how the adult child would NOT be better off keeping tied to an abusive relationship. There are truly horrific stories and some that don't *seem* so bad from an outsider's perspective, but its so individual. I don't think a lifetime of trying and being shot down or abused further is the blanket "right" thing to do.
OP, I hope you find more & more peace with your relationship. Hows it going with her these days? I'm so sorry to the countless people who live with this struggle.