I want my 20 month old ds present at the homebirth

[aurora_skys]

And I need positive stories from women who have experienced this. I am really not comfortable having someone whisk him away from our house just because Im having a baby. I think it will be much more normal seeming for him to just be present and with us. My mil wants to take him away (I have never left ds alone with her. She is very "hand that rocks the cradle" intense and I dont trust her to respect my and dh's parenting preferences... I just wouldnt be comfortable leaving him with her at all!) She spent a lot of time yesterday trying to convince me that I was going to traumatize my son and telling me I was "freaking her out." Well I dont really care what she thinks but Im worried she will negatively influence my husband...

I think it will be better to have my son there. I can relax, knowing he is safe, and Im not a very noisy birther so I really dont think he will be frightened...

She was also criticizing me about "Well what if he wants to be in the water with you??" which I told her would probably be fine, I really dont mind if he wants to splash around a bit with me...

So who has had young children at their homebirths and how was the experience? What would you have done better had you known then? I want this to be a positive normal experience for my son, me, and my husband. It just feels like the right thing to do.

[etsdtm99]

i have not had a homebirth yet - but i think if you don't trust your mil and wouldn't be comfortable with your LO being gone, then find someone to stay with him in your home... i think its very important to haev someone there to be his 'support person' just in case he does get frightened or gets to be too much for you to handle .. also, i've read so many birth stories where the little ones sleep through the birth .. so maybe you won't have to deal with this at all?

[MaerynPearl]

I agree with having someone other than yourself or significant other there to keep after them. my midwife says she is perfectly fine with the kids being in the home as long as someone other than DF is there to care for them.

[smeisnotapirate]

My DS will be 23mo when I give birth and he will be in the house. I am not using my DH as labor support - he will be with DS the whole time and they're in charge of keeping my midwives fed, coffeed, and happy.

I don't think it will be traumatizing unless you force him to be there even if he doesn't want to be (so if there's nobody to chill with him somewhere else if he doesn't want to be there). Also, remember that you have really important work to be doing at your birth, so make sure that the option of having him with someone you trust in a different room should be a necessity.

[moonglowmama]

My ds was just under 3 and then just under 4 at 2 of our births and he was wonderful! We had a friend here for his first birth experience, it was a friend who was incredibly aware of him, and was very respectful of our desire to have him with us to experience the birth of his sister. She helped him get the food he needed, etc. and she took pics for us. She never tried to keep him away from us, and it was very rare that in that 5 day labor he wanted to be away from us. He loved seeing his sister being born and was not traumatized in any way.

When his 2nd sister was born, my dh was out getting the birth tub set up for most of it and he woke up when I started being louder. He just sat next to me, pet my arm and told me I was doing a great job. It turned out he was my primary support emotionally, since dh got back and I was just about to give birth. He speaks fondly of that experience to anyone who asks and they are great friends, though they are 4 years apart.

I highly encourage you to have an open conversation with your dh about it. And don't feel like you have to explain or justify anything to your mil. Her idea of birth is what you see on tv-- some high-drama event where mom is on her back screaming in pain and then in some position where her parts are on display for everyone to stare out, and the mother's face is nowhere to be seen. Home birth is never like that- even when things are complicated. You'll be birthing in the position you see fit, you'll have support to do what you need to get your baby born and you can prepare even a young child for noises you might make (like a lion's roar, etc) and even practice them together. You can read books about homebirth, watch a video ( I like Birth Day) and he will see birth as a normal part of family life. You will be bonded and re-born as a family, and your son doesn't need to be excluded from that unless you decide he should be for whatever reason. You are his parents and it is your family. You can create it to be the way you sit fit. Don't let your mil's negativity alter what you trust and know about your son and your family.

By the way, after 3 home births, my mom is somehow surprised that we're letting our kids be here for this baby's birth. She was very judgemental about it. I let her know that was rude and not her business and that we know what's best for the kids. I told her if she couldn't say something nice, she could just keep it to herself. Does that tell you anything about how immature that kind of behavior is?

Enjoy your birth!

[JorgieGirl]

My sisters first homebirth had her 15mo there. He slept through it mostly. Then her second homebirth she had her 4yo and 3yo there. They both loved the experience of watching their brother enter the world. Then quickly fell asleep. lol.

I agree, as long as there is someone there to comfort them and take them to another room if need be, then it shouldn't even be an issue. Really, giving your older children the opportunity to witness birth is a positive thing and a benefit of homebirth.

[Amila]

I could have wrote your post! My 2 year old was home when I had my son, but I had him at 2am so she slept through it. MY mom was here watching her. I am hoping to have the same thing this time, they will be 2 and 4. I am a paranoid freak about people driving with my kids, even my mom, and I can't stomach that thought in labor. Plus they should be here.

[aurora_skys]

I like the idea of watching birth videos with ds, hadnt thought of that before.
With our first birth we were also at home. I spent most of the time by myself (ds was posterior and it was pretty tough, I did not want my dh around me then!) while my husband filled the tub and did other things to prepare. There will be someone else here to support my son if he gets upset. Im hoping and praying labor doesnt get serious until nightfall though! Ds is a heavy heavy sleeper so that would be like my dream birth

I've told dh that Im more comfortable with my mom taking care of ds if something happens and we need him looked after. He seems to think his mom is better (which really both sets of parents have their benefits and drawbacks) but to me it really comes down to what Im comfortable with since Im the one who has to be able to relax... lol mil tried convincing me that she could just sit with ds in "another room" (we live in a one bedroom apartment so what room would that be?? :P ) during the birth! I dont think she understands that its ok for kids to watch, theres nothing wrong with it. Its nice to be able to post this here, I cant complain to dh, dont want him thinking I hate his mom or something!

Im glad to have mdc where people dont think Im trying to damage my son by having him present. And yea, Im pretty sure mil hasnt got a clue what really goes on at a homebirth, her own births were far from peaceful. I think she just has a negative impression of it all... Heh, I guess her going on and on about how I was surely going to traumatize my kid just got my hackles up!

I think this will be a very good experience for all three of us. I've been pep talking dh about how its very normal for children to witness birth, next I'll get started watching peaceful birth videos with ds, great idea!

[aurora_skys]

Originally Posted by Amila

I am a paranoid freak about people driving with my kids, even my mom, and I can't stomach that thought in labor.

haha me too! I would just be way too worried!

[MaerynPearl]

Perhaps your MIL wasn't thinking of keeping him away from you (because in that case she would probably suggest taking him to her own house perhaps?) but rather your comfort of HER seeing you in that state but still wanting your DS there?

[rootzdawta]

Moved from I'm Pregnant to Homebirth

[aurora_skys]

nah, she wanted to take him for the day and night but when I said no thanks she changed tactics. Shes just the sort who is obsessed with getting "alone time" with her only grandson. Its weird.
But Im not worried about it anymore, talking about the issue here has made me feel a lot better!

thanks for moving the thread, I couldnt find the homebirth forum. Hooray pregnancy brain!

[Mrs.aLifeofReilly]

My DS was 25 months to the day when his brother was born. We planned all along to have him present (if he was awake) and planned to have our mothers around to watch him or take him outside to play if it got to be too overwhelming for him. The way it worked out, the baby was born before his babysitters arrived and he did wonderfully all on his own. He got to see the baby be born in the tub and still talks (and tells other people) about it almost weekly.

I'm so happy he was able to be a part of the growing of our family and I think he understands it was a special thing. We prepared with videos on youtube and the homebirth book "Hello Baby!" (also called "Welcome With Love") by Jenni Overend. We also 'played' birth before hand so he could get used to birth sounds/noises that I might make.

I'm glad we had plans for people to watch him, because had my labor been longer it would have def. been easier on everyone to have a dedicated childcare person. On his own he wandered around, put tub toys in the pool and mimicked what the midwives were doing.

[Voodoo Lady]

I would have any and every child of mine present - if I had some, but this is my first. But if I had any, they'd be there. I'd get a friend to look after them while I was "busy" with contractions etc. but I'd want them to see the birth for sure.

In fact, one of the main reasons I'm doing a home birth is so that my two dogs can be there. I figure it's the only way they're going to understand where that bald, tail-less weiner dog came from!

[Veritaserum]

The youngest older sibling was 22.5 months and she did great. I talked to her and read her Welcome with Love. We also watched birth videos I borrowed from my midwife.

I've since had three more home births with my kids ranging in age from 23 months - 8 years.

[SashaBear]

My SIL had a baby at the hospital two nights ago. Last week I watched some birth videos BoBB and two home births. They made my son very anxious. "Mom I don't want to see the inside of her belly!" He relaxed when I told him that he wasn't going to see the baby be born and that she was all cleaned up when he got to hold her. I know he will have more exposure to it when it is me having the baby. If I was having a baby tomorrow, he would go to my moms.

[mbhf]

My kids were around for the births of their younger siblings, and they have 20mo to 24mo age gaps. My second birth, we really had no childcare options. We knew no one in the area other than a few young single guys that my dh worked with. Things worked out beautifully, I had a very fast easy birth in the middle of the night. He woke when the midwife arrived, and he sat down at the bottom of the birth and watched. I will always remember looking over my shoulder and seeing him perched up on his knees when his brother was born. It was a lovely experience for all of us. I think everyone was asleep when #3 was born (around midnight, they were around for the labor but went to sleep a few hours before the birth) but we woke them a few minutes afterwards to meet the baby and then we all got in bed together. The baby (24 months) was asleep across the hall when #4 was born, and the big boys were downstairs with a friend, she was born in the afternoon.

Having someone around just for your children can be ideal if that is what you're comfortable with, but I don't think it's always necessary and I feel that our birth experiences vary depending in part on what is going on around us. Having my children around me made me comfortable and I feel them being around me at a huge time of change was important to them.

ETA- we do read a lot about birth, pregnancy, and babies and all of my kids have watched several birth videos. So they know the "science" behind it and have a good idea of what to expect.