Traveling Question, do I let DS go - Page 2

[kittygrrl523]

Well Mamas, thank you all for weighing in.

I guess there is a lot of backstory and info that I didn't convey in the initial post.

One main factor is that no concrete travel days had been provided. My ex doesn't plan things. Also, on pretty much EVERY trip that he goes on for work he has changed his return time. For example, in January he left on the 4th and was meant to return on the 16th but ended up not coming back until the 28th.

He is a contract worker and is completely at the whim of his client.

The trip that he wants to take DS on is not a vacation. It is a work trip. He claims that he'll only work at night while DS is sleeping...however this means that he'll have to sleep in the day. His work hours are long and varied. He may go in to work at 10pm and not finish until 3am or 5am or 8am. He is not able to set his own hours.

If he thinks he would have a day off and the client calls and says, "we need to work" I have NEVER known him to say "i'm spending time with my son, I can't do it."

So I am seriously questioning how much time he'd have to actually spend with DS. DS is only 4 years old and I think this would be very disruptive to his schedule.

The jealousy that may have been coming through regarding my ex's wife is not so much jealousy as dislike. She has done some very hurtful things to me and said awful things about me...she claims I am damaging DS psychologically b/c I let him cosleep...so yeah, she's not my favorite person...but I am glad DS likes her as a friend. DS's preschool teacher has met with her and expressed concerns to me about her lack of parenting skills and her negative attitude attitude towards me.

If I had reason to believe that DS would be spending the bulk of his time with his father and step-mother then I would be ok with the trip. They would travel together and spend the days and nights together...however I am certain that DS would end up spending the majority of his time with the step-mom and just seeing his Dad in passing or for a few hours each day. I don't see that being worth the disruption to his routine (school, sleep, etc.)

I ended up writing to my ex and saying that I'm not comfortable with DS going on business trips due to the nature of his work. I offered to arrange travel for myself and DS to visit his dad and I also said that I was in favor of my ex arranging a vacation for DS that doesn't involve work obligations.

We'll see how it turns out...

[RollerCoasterMama]

Kitty: with the additional info about the nature/length of the trip, that's a whole different decision. I think you bringing DS out for a long weekend or something is a much better way to do things. Glad you got things sorted out! (Or at least your own feelings about them!)

[csekywithlove]

I think you did the right thing. Setting up another time for your son to visit that doesn't invovle work is smart because what does your DS really lloking forward to?> Time with Daddy. I can see how a disruption in the schedule and no concrete days of return would make you uncomfortable. The most you want for you child is a safe, stable environment.

As far as his new wife is concerned... well you kinda of got to bite the bullet on that one. Even though she may not agree with C/S and some of your parenting she must respect that you are his mother. So perhaps some dialogue and weekly talks or emails about the child may help to get a better understanding and for you to see how she relates and cares for the child.

I hope that was helpful and that all works out!!!

[kittygrrl523]

The ex wrote me back and he is PISSED. He is saying all sorts of ridiculous things and accusing me of interfering with his relationship with his son. He says I'm being a hypocrite b/c I won't let DS go on the trip with him but I take DS to work with me (I nanny for DS's best friend!)

He claims he has the right to take DS on the trip if he wants.

Since we have no custody arrangement is this true? In my mind we both need to agree to trips...even if we legally had a joint custody arrangement wouldn't that imply that both parents agree? Not just one demanding to take a child across state lines?

[Irishmommy]

Originally Posted by new2this

aah ok that makes sense. However I think even to cross Canada boarder even with one parent there needs to be signed paper stating both parents are in agreement.

I saw this in new posts. Dh and I have both taken our kids across the Canada/US border, both directions, without the other parent. We have never, ever been asked to prove we have permission to do so.

[meemee]

doesnt everyone nowadays need a passport or at least a 'special card' or whatever it is called to cross the borders even into canada?

absolutely you have the right to reserve your right to not letting ds go with ex. in your shoes i would not either.

ex and i dont have anything set in court. yet i sign documents letting him take her over to canada. yet he wont let me take her out of the country for whole different reasons which are asinine since its his attempt to control me. he did ask me for permission to allow her to go visit and i actually signed a notarised document saying i had given him permission.

so even though in my opinion his reasoning doesnt have any logic he is using his right to keep dd with him as i go abroad, and i have to respect his wishes. i would not go against his wishes because he could easily open a case saying i was kidnapping her and i would have no evidence to support i wasnt.

[violet_]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl523

The ex wrote me back and he is PISSED. He is saying all sorts of ridiculous things and accusing me of interfering with his relationship with his son. He says I'm being a hypocrite b/c I won't let DS go on the trip with him but I take DS to work with me (I nanny for DS's best friend!)

He claims he has the right to take DS on the trip if he wants.

Since we have no custody arrangement is this true? In my mind we both need to agree to trips...even if we legally had a joint custody arrangement wouldn't that imply that both parents agree? Not just one demanding to take a child across state lines?

He's pissed because you ARE interfering with his relationship with his son. You can't deny a man visitation because he has a job. And, he's 100% right, if you had a custody agreement, then he'd be able to take his son anywhere (in the US) on his parenting time without your permission. Your objection, as you made clear in your post, was that of who would accompany your son on the airplane. That's his parenting choice on his time, not yours. Then you brought up this idea that he'd have his wife watch the child while he was at work or sleeping. This, again, is not something any judge would allow you to object to. Working parents have child care. That is reality. And on his parenting time, he chooses the child care.

[Super~Single~Mama]

Originally Posted by kittygrrl523

The ex wrote me back and he is PISSED. He is saying all sorts of ridiculous things and accusing me of interfering with his relationship with his son. He says I'm being a hypocrite b/c I won't let DS go on the trip with him but I take DS to work with me (I nanny for DS's best friend!)

He claims he has the right to take DS on the trip if he wants.

Since we have no custody arrangement is this true? In my mind we both need to agree to trips...even if we legally had a joint custody arrangement wouldn't that imply that both parents agree? Not just one demanding to take a child across state lines?

THe solution to this problem would be to GET a custody arrangement. Go file for custody, and get an arrangement. The arrangement will be different from what you have now, but it will be better. And, no judge is going to tell a dad that he can just take his kid for however long he pleases - there MUST be a set date for the child's return. He may fly with his step mom, but the date must be set in advance.

And since there is no custody agreement in place (by the court - not just between you 2) technically he can take your (his) child with him and not return by an agreed upon date. Another reason you NEED a custody arrangement.

Good luck!

[Ceinwen]

Originally Posted by Irishmommy

I saw this in new posts. Dh and I have both taken our kids across the Canada/US border, both directions, without the other parent. We have never, ever been asked to prove we have permission to do so.

I've been stopped at the Canada/US border, and so has my ex.

kittygrrl523, I wouldn't let him go without some kind of agreement in place. When my ex and I separated, I insisted on signing formal papers immediately before allowing visitation - period. Thankfully he's a mild mannered kind of guy and had no issues with it. He realized that it protected both of our rights - his right to parenting time, and my right to have the kids returned on time.

And depending on the agreement, you do have the right to have input on who watches your child while your ex is working. It's called right of first refusal - both my ex and I have this in place. If it's for care longer than four hours, we have to contact the other person to see if they'd like to have that time with the kids.

Thankfully we don't beat each other with it, i.e. if the kids go to their grandparents, or it causes more work for both of us, we skip it. It's just nice to have in place. And as for the pp's assertion that he'd be able to take him anywhere in the US on his parenting time - not necessarily - some agreements are limited to the province or state without the other parent's permission...

Agreements are as varied as there are separated parents.

[violet_]

Originally Posted by Ceinwen

I've been stopped at the Canada/US border, and so has my ex.

kittygrrl523, I wouldn't let him go without some kind of agreement in place. When my ex and I separated, I insisted on signing formal papers immediately before allowing visitation - period. Thankfully he's a mild mannered kind of guy and had no issues with it. He realized that it protected both of our rights - his right to parenting time, and my right to have the kids returned on time.

And depending on the agreement, you do have the right to have input on who watches your child while your ex is working. It's called right of first refusal - both my ex and I have this in place. If it's for care longer than four hours, we have to contact the other person to see if they'd like to have that time with the kids.

Thankfully we don't beat each other with it, i.e. if the kids go to their grandparents, or it causes more work for both of us, we skip it. It's just nice to have in place. And as for the pp's assertion that he'd be able to take him anywhere in the US on his parenting time - not necessarily - some agreements are limited to the province or state without the other parent's permission...

Agreements are as varied as there are separated parents.

I agree she should get a custody agreement.

However, on right of first refusal, at least in our state, it doesn't apply to having stepparents watch the kids. If the OP's state is similar, then she would not be able to object to her child spending alone time with his stepmother unless she was somehow deemed unfit. You're right that she could take the kids instead of having babysitters, but it just doesn't work that way with stepparents, at least where we are.

[kittygrrl523]

Well I talked with a lawyer today.

He assured me that since I have been the custodial parent for all of DS's 4.5 years (even when my ex and I were together he traveled extensively and I was basically a single parent) and since we have no formal agreement that the ex cannot demand to take the child across state lines.

The good news is that I now have a lawyer and a plan.

Hopefully the ex will agree to formulate a custody settlement on our own and we can avoid having a judge involved.