Custody Question

[lilyka]

I am not sure of the exact wording but my custody arrangement is that my xh gets the kids one school night a week and every other weekend and every other holiday. the basic state minimum without him being legally repugnant (morally void does not matter to the courts) . I am sure it says something about being reasonably flexible. my question is what does this mean. he seems to think it means that i have to take his weekends and give him mine, and take his thursday night and give him the night of his choice whenever he wants to run off with his girfriend. The thing is I have a second job on his weekends (overnights) and a standing appointment on his Thurs. switching is really not an option. i can't just ask everyone I work with to drop what they are doing and adjust to me. I could ask someone to take my shift but that would mean a loss of $200+. not an option either. So I ended up essentially losing my weekend because he took mine and I sat at home. and then I had to work on his when I had the girls. this hardly seems fair.

what are my rights as far as saying "you are not being reasonable and I will take the girls but I will not give you my weekend."

do I really just have to give him the kids whenever he wants them so long as he "trades" according to what he wants?

where do I go to find this stuff out? do I have to pay a freaking lawyer?

TIA

[lilyka]

ok the exact wording is

"J. The parties shall be flexible with the schedule and shall provide as much advance notice as possible when a change is needed in the schedule with a minnimum of 48 hours notice, unless an emergancy arises"

"N. The parties shall be flexible concerning visitation to accomodate each others work schedules and activity schedules and agree to modify visitation should the current or future visitation agreements need to be changed"

Ok I am not seeing anywhere it even implies I am forced to trade or give up my weekends or work hours which would force me to lose time with my chidlren.

The closest I am coming to that is if we had a permanat shift in availability we could decide on a new night for him to take them. My definition of flexible is "yeah I don't mind canceling my plans if you can't take the girls tonight" not "I will cancle my plans tonight, and cancle all the plans I have made with the girls for the next day so you can take them then all because it suits you better"

[PoppyMama]

It seems like it would be good to allow him some changes to show you are reasonable but that you are not required to schedule according to his whim. I guess you always have to keep them when he doesn't want them but you aren't required to switch and if he is canceling a lot you might be able to go back to court to get a child support adjustment (if you live in a state where him having less visitation results in more support).

[lilyka]

he is always willing to trade but I hate giving up my time with them. I like things smooth and routien. to trade a weekend means I have to work on my time with the girls because I cannot afford to give up those hours (I work 20-30 on the friday/sat/sun he has the girls) as it is some weeks the only work I have. my boss is sweet but not bright so any change to my schedule throws her and she just skips me all together.....yeah I need a new job for so many reasons but gees, I can hardly blame her. and I am usually willing to trade and always willing and happy to take the girls. I am very flexible most of the time but I think trading really should be up to me. asking, not telling. accepting no, I don't feel like messing with my schedule as an answer.

i don't care about getting support adjusted. when he pays it is plenty. I just need to be able to work and not miss out on my time with my kids just because he wants to go play.

[Goodmom2008]

I would refuse to switch week-ends and if he takes this to court, simply point out that you planned your work schedule to spend the most amount of time with the kids. Switching means that you work on the week-end you have them. I would also point out that you planned the appointment during the week on the day he is supposed to take the kids. There is one caveat to this, if he has family members that the kids don't see regularly coming to visit on your week-end (or night) with the kids, I would switch. But only for something like that. Not just because he wants to spend that time with his girlfriend.

Being flexible doesn't mean bending over backwards.

[pranamama]

from what you posted, and your work schedule, you don't have to switch because you arranged your work schedule with alternate weekends, what you can do is say, I scheduled my days off on my weekend, but I can take the children for some of your days in addition to mine if you need me to.

that is doing him the favor of being flexible without screwing up your schedule too much, even though you will be paying sitters if you have them on his weekend etc...

[earthmama369]

I read "flexible regarding visitation to accommodate work schedules" to mean that you are under no obligation to switch shifts or risk losing income to accommodate his desire to change weekends for personal plans. The obligation there is on him to accommodate your work schedule.

[lilyka]

thanks everyone.

I told him i would not be switching weekends any longer but was happy to take the girls any time. I have free sitters so even that is not an issue. but changing my work schedule does not just effect me, it effects everyone else, not to mention the huge amount of work it creates for my manager. If I cause too many problems by way of switching things up frequently I will lose that job (he is having to fight to keep me as it is).

I told the XH that if that was not good enough and he needed a lawyer to explain it to him to let me know and I will tell him who his lawyer should contact.