Who pays for DNA testing?

[BelovedK]

if the father claims the baby is not his,but he definitely is? Would I have to pay because I am the one filing for CS? I am referring to my older DS, I have located his biodad (a difficult task) and he is being a UAV and I won't even get into it He contacted DS once, and then dropped the ball. All I have is his cell number, but I know his brothers info (being the super sleuth that I am )

I hope that he can be found. I am wondering that. We are struggling financially, and my now DH is not responsible for the college and schooling expenses. It is time. I regret not having done it sooner, but I didn't want there to be confusion in DSs life, BioDad has always been flaky and DS thinks he is the coolest, and asks me about him, I know it weighs on his mind.

I am filing the papers today, nervous at what I am starting, but desperate times require desperate measures.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by BelovedK

It is time.

With all do respect, Beloved, it was time when your ds was born to establish paternity and start child support.

What you are doing feels, to me, a little... I don't know -- can't think of the darn word, but just kind of yucky.

It was convenient for you to not go after child support when your ds was little because you didn't want your X involved in ds' life. But, now that you are desperate for money, you are going after him.

I don't know, I am sorry... but, it just doesn't feel right to me.

Regardless, hope you get the results you are hoping for... especially for your ds.

[BelovedK]

Well, it is not just because we are in a bad situation. I am getting uber pressure from my family AND especially my new DH. He had to pay cs, and it upsets him to see me struggle over the years when BD has done nothing despite the constant open invitation for him to be in DSs life. I have not kept him from DS, quite the contrary. He had an open offer all of this time, but he disappeared and never even told his family about DS. He is extremely hard to deal with though and I was afraid of him and the drama it would create for me to get help, especially back then when I was vulnerable. I am vulnerable no longer, and the money would be for DS who is getting ready for high school which will cost us each year more than we have, but I won't go OT about the school situation in my area.

In a few words, I lacked courage to do what was right by DS, but otoh, I wanted peace in our lives so I am still tormented that I have handled this in the wrong way. It was BD's decision to walk, and not even offer any help.

Maybe I shouldn't have posted this here. The pressure is just coming at me from all sides and I am starting to doubt my decision all of these years. BioD KNOWS DS is his, and he took off anyways, and ignored all of my pleas to be in DSs life despite my apprehension.

[BelovedK]

Oh yeah, why should BD get off scott free for 18 years when up to now the expenses were bearable, with age he eats more, and has expensive hobbies/sports and school costs more?? I am only asking for help with his schooling as the time ticks away.

[missmich]

I'm not sure how it works where you are,but here I think if the father wants the test he must request and pay for it.

[JessicaS]

I don't think it would be yucky in the slightest. You are too sweet of a person and too nice to be treated this way all the time.

I am glad you are growing stronger. I am generally strong but I lack that sweetness you have in abundance that I admire so much.

I would have sued him for CS by now and I do think it is perfectly fair for you to receive some sort of support.

[mandib50]

not yucky at all, it's just the right thing for the father to step up and pay. i have no idea how the testing thing works but if it speeds up the process by you paying, then i would.

i think you've been remarkably patient in not going after him sooner, heck i make sure my kids get every penny they deserve from their bio dad

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by mandib50

heck i make sure my kids get every penny they deserve from their bio dad

Exactly... and they deserve that money from the VERY beginning.

Imagine, if you had gone after him in the very beginning and was able to put that money away, since you were able to financially manage the expenses, how much of a college fund he would have NOW?

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by BelovedK

Oh yeah, why should BD get off scott free for 18 years when up to now the expenses were bearable, with age he eats more, and has expensive hobbies/sports and school costs more??

He shouldn't have gotten away!!! I absolutely agree and am not arguing with that!!! But, the reality is that you allowed him to get away with it. At least until now, where it is in desperate circumstances.

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by abimommy

You are too sweet of a person and too nice to be treated this way all the time.

I agree. You are one of the sweetest and nicest people I have met on this board. And... I am so thankful that you are getting stronger and willing to go after what your ds deserves, even though it is out of pressure from your DH and family.

I think what bothers me isn't that he shouldn't have to pay... he should. It just feels very unfair that you are only making him pay NOW, when you are desperate for money.

I mean no disrespect and I apologize if any of my comments hurt you. I will bow out of this conversation.

All the best.

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by Holland73

I agree. You are one of the sweetest and nicest people I have met on this board. And... I am so thankful that you are getting stronger and willing to go after what your ds deserves, even though it is out of pressure from your DH and family.

I think what bothers me isn't that he shouldn't have to pay... he should. It just feels very unfair that you are only making him pay NOW, when you are desperate for money.

I mean no disrespect and I apologize if any of my comments hurt you. I will bow out of this conversation.

All the best.

Perhaps I misrepresented myself. I am not wanting him to pay *because* I am having hard financial times. I have told him in the past when he asked me if I was going after him that should we need it, I would ask for help, and told him that we would welcome the help. I let him off too easy. I did it partly to keep drama out of DS's and my lives.

I can see that I *should have* gone after him from the start, BUT 'should have' statements don't address what is happening in the present, and they don't help anything in any way.

I already feel stupid for letting hime get away. I also have compassion for myself knowing where we were (I was) at the time emotionally and what I thought I could handle, and also My X stepped into the picture and basically claimed the responsibility for DSs upbringing. First as a friend, then we got married (mostly we got married out of friendship and for DS) DS WAS cared for, but my X didn't make much and we always struggled, but managed to send him to good schools, etc. X and I looked for the BD, and X has (as I was) always been open for him to step up to the plate. I would be lying if I told you I never had my doubts or fears though, I was terrified about BD coming into our lives, but I also knew the right thing to do, and I would never be one to stand in the way of a relationship between them.

I realize that now that I am no longer single I should stay away from this forum, I posted here instead of the Blended Families forum, I just recently left my SP life, and still have issues that pertain to the part of my parenting that doesnt involve my new situation.

I simply was wondering about who had to pay for the tests, and maybe what would be involved, I didn't ask for opinions about what I was doing, or my intentions about seeking support.

Perhaps this is a case of too little , too late, and I am sad that I didn't do this until now. I was inclined to let sleeping dogs lie, but it was causing a rift between me and my new DH, it is an issue for him. It is not even about my strength or weakness, it is about my considering the input of my close family and opening myself up to other choices.

[violet_]

I think it varies by state. You might try googling it. In some areas, the child support office pays and then the guy has to reimburse if he is found to be the father.

[BelovedK]

Thanks, I will google, I wasn't thinking that it would be state by state, but of course that makes sense.

Thank you everyone

[Holland73]

Originally Posted by BelovedK

I simply was wondering about who had to pay for the tests, and maybe what would be involved, I didn't ask for opinions about what I was doing, or my intentions about seeking support.

Again... my apologies.

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by Holland73

Again... my apologies.

Thanks

[Smithie]

I don't think you've done anything yucky at all in the past, or that asking for support now is yucky at all. BUT, I have to point out - back when you were doing what YOU thought was best, you didn't pursue the biodad because you didn't want him in your son's life. Now that you have a new husband in your life and want to avoid controversy with him, you are pursuing the biodad even though you are "terrified" at the idea of having him in your son's life.

That sounds a little off to me. I'm just sayin'. Sounds like you new husband's issues with past cs responsibilities are being catered to in a way that maybe they shouldn't be. You are not responsible for karmically recouping the $$ he paid out to another woman in the past. And he knew going into this marriage that you were not getting support from your son's biodad.

"I am getting uber pressure from my family AND especially my new DH. "

Not cool. Not cool. YOU are the one who had a relationship with biodad, YOU are the one who gets to judge whether or not the risk of him showing up is worth the money.

[BelovedK]

Thanks, It's more complicated than that, and my intention is not to discuss that aspect, I simply wondered who had to pay and if anyone had experience with that. Thank you for your response

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by Smithie

I don't think you've done anything yucky at all in the past, or that asking for support now is yucky at all. BUT, I have to point out - back when you were doing what YOU thought was best, you didn't pursue the biodad because you didn't want him in your son's life. Now that you have a new husband in your life and want to avoid controversy with him, you are pursuing the biodad even though you are "terrified" at the idea of having him in your son's life.

That sounds a little off to me. I'm just sayin'. Sounds like you new husband's issues with past cs responsibilities are being catered to in a way that maybe they shouldn't be. You are not responsible for karmically recouping the $$ he paid out to another woman in the past. And he knew going into this marriage that you were not getting support from your son's biodad.

"I am getting uber pressure from my family AND especially my new DH. "

Not cool. Not cool. YOU are the one who had a relationship with biodad, YOU are the one who gets to judge whether or not the risk of him showing up is worth the money.

As far as who 'should' pay, I think it should be divided equally between the parents.

[BelovedK]

Originally Posted by ~Purity♥Lake~

As far as who 'should' pay, I think it should be divided equally between the parents.

Yes, that would be fair. I would go for that.

[Avani]

In California if you need to establish paternity the Department of Child Support pays for the testing. If there isn't enough evidence or if the father refuses to declare paternity then they go to court to request the test. Good luck!