Does it sound like I'm in an abusive relationship? UPDATED Post 162 - Page 2

[Bea]

Originally Posted by starling&diesel

Yes, you are in an abusive relationship.
The size difference here is significant. When you hit him, he sees it as an annoyance. When he hits you, your life is in danger.
Find the resources, use them, and get out now.

No one should be hitting anyone.

The idea that a smaller woman hitting a bigger man is equivalent to a mosquito bite to him is sexist and wrong! Hitting hurts. Slapping a man across the face hurts him the same as it does a women when done with identical intensity and frankly, the idea that men shouldn't hit women is archaic.

No one should hit anyone but here's the thing.

If you choose to hit someone you better make sure they're smaller or weaker otherwise they have the right to defend themselves and they might just put you through the wall!

[VisionaryMom]

Originally Posted by Bea

No one should be hitting anyone.

The idea that a smaller woman hitting a bigger man is equivalent to a mosquito bite to him is sexist and wrong! Hitting hurts. Slapping a man across the face hurts him the same as it does a women when done with identical intensity and frankly, the idea that men shouldn't hit women is archaic.

No one should hit anyone but here's the thing.

If you choose to hit someone you better make sure they're smaller or weaker otherwise they have the right to defend themselves and they might just put you through the wall!

You really sound like you're defending being violent, so I hope I'm reading your post wrong.

[ChristyMarie]

Originally Posted by Bea

No one should be hitting anyone.

The idea that a smaller woman hitting a bigger man is equivalent to a mosquito bite to him is sexist and wrong! Hitting hurts. Slapping a man across the face hurts him the same as it does a women when done with identical intensity and frankly, the idea that men shouldn't hit women is archaic.

No one should hit anyone but here's the thing.

If you choose to hit someone you better make sure they're smaller or weaker otherwise they have the right to defend themselves and they might just put you through the wall!

Huh?

[Freedom~Mama]

Originally Posted by Bea

No one should be hitting anyone.

The idea that a smaller woman hitting a bigger man is equivalent to a mosquito bite to him is sexist and wrong! Hitting hurts. Slapping a man across the face hurts him the same as it does a women when done with identical intensity and frankly, the idea that men shouldn't hit women is archaic.

No one should hit anyone but here's the thing.

If you choose to hit someone you better make sure they're smaller or weaker otherwise they have the right to defend themselves and they might just put you through the wall!

I have to firmly disagree with this. Being in an abusive relationship myself I know that sometimes acting out in frustration and/or self defense is common. Please don't ever tell a woman that it is okay to have a man hit her. It is not okay.

[orangewallflower]

The point is that it is not o.k. for a spouse to hit another spouse. No one on here is saying that his actions are justified: they are absolutely not. But the OP must hold herself to the same standard. I agree that it is a sexist notion that it is o.k. for a woman to hit, but not a man. No one should be hitting anyone.

[ChristyMarie]

Originally Posted by orangewallflower

The point is that it is not o.k. for a spouse to hit another spouse. No one on here is saying that his actions are justified: they are absolutely not. But the OP must hold herself to the same standard. I agree that it is a sexist notion that it is o.k. for a woman to hit, but not a man. No one should be hitting anyone.

True. However, I'm guessing you are coming from the perspective of never having been hit by a man? That happens and sometimes the ol' self defense instinct kicks in. Pretty hard to stand there and be hit and not fight back.

[orangewallflower]

As I said above, I was in a relationship that sounds a great deal like the OP's. I'm coming at this as someone who has been hit and has hit and who understands the cycle of abuse really well. The trouble with not understanding that it is not o.k. to hit whoever you are, is that the abusive behavior will just be carried into future relationships. If the OP would like to make an attempt to salvage her relationship (and I would totally support her if she said she simply wanted out,) she needs to fully own behavior. It doesn't excuse his, of course not and she gets to decide whether his is forgivable.

I think the idea that it is trivial when a woman hits a man is just plain sad. (And OP, I don't think you have expressed this! I am referring to these recent posts.)

[Purple*Lotus]

Gosh I am on the fence on this one.

I am a survivor of an abusive relationship. I am only an inch shorter than him and I outweighed him. I never put my hands on him, shoved him or threw anything at him. I would verbally lash out occasionally after taking his abuse for a certain amount of time, then I would usually get hit.

I think for me that I could not have hit him back. I have never hit a fellow human or an animal before in my life. I don't think it will be okay to hit my future hypothetical children either. I feel like hitting him, even in defense, would have been very, very stupid for me. Maybe it is not that way for everyone. But the one and only time I started towards him in defense, he hurt me so badly. I learned from that and was never tempted to do it again.

But I can understand why someone might be driven to want to do that. I guess, for me, that I just can not condone hitting at all. I hope that isn't offensive to anyone else who is in an abusive relationship I am not saying that it is bad or wrong of the OP to hit him back. I just think it is ineffective and could get her hurt even worse in the long run.

[Purple*Lotus]

I also wanted to add that when I worked at the shelter, there are a lot of men who are in abusive relationships who never laid a hand on their partners, and were hurt physically. I think that a man can suffer just as a woman or a child can, in that respect. It isn't talked about as much because I think most of the male clients we had were embarassed by it. But it happens so much more than we might think.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by starling&diesel

When you hit him, he sees it as an annoyance. When he hits you, your life is in danger.

Excuse me?

Originally Posted by Bea

No one should be hitting anyone.

The idea that a smaller woman hitting a bigger man is equivalent to a mosquito bite to him is sexist and wrong! Hitting hurts. Slapping a man across the face hurts him the same as it does a women when done with identical intensity and frankly, the idea that men shouldn't hit women is archaic.

I agree, although people tend to misinterpret that so they think I'm okay with men knocking their wives around. (Oddly enough, the saying that "men shouldn't hit women" or "boys shouldn't hit girls" marched hand in hand with a culture that turned a completely blind eye to vicious, violent spousal abuse on a regular basis.) Nobody should hit anybody, and I completely agree with what I think is the underlying sentiment of "boys/men shouldn't hit girls/women" - that it's messed up deliberately use one's advantage in physical strength to victimize someone. I just don't agree that gender is the key.

FWIW, I know a man who never laid hands on his ex-wife, except to occasionally peel her off of him. On one occasion, she drop-kicked a six-pack of beer into his face. He outweighed her by a good bit, and also worked long, hard days in a very physsicaly demanding profession. I grew up around furniture movers, and he is/was one of the strongest guys I've ever known. Her abuse was not an "annoyance".

This has gone way OT, though. It sounds, as far as I can tell from the OP, as if the OP has stopped being physical, but her husband hasn't. So, the issue of how her perceives being hit isn't relevant anymore. (For those talking about the OP hitting, etc. in self-defense, I'll point out that she mentions doing stuff to him, and him doing it back, as well as the other.)

OP: Personally, I'd get out. Maybe counseling could work. I don't know. I have no interest in having a relationship with someone who hits me or with someone who I want to hit.

[PinkNFluffy]

I think there is some confusion here. I fully agree that hitting a man is wrong, I never said it wasn't. I have already typed I was abusive, I have also said the last time he hit me I didn't touch him, I just took it. Is that good enough for you? Sorry but I'm getting a little pissed off here, he would be able to easily kill me with his bare hands in minutes. I am betting he could kill me with one very hard punch or atleast put me out cold.

I, on the other hand, would probably leave a small bruise and if he wanted to, he could restrain me very easily. He has before, he is very strong and does not realize his own strength. He can pin me down where I can not even move (play wrestling). Oh my gosh, he must be shitting himself afraid of me!

I'm not trying to get off topic here or be rude but anyway... YES IT IS WRONG TO HIT ANYBODY, I AM A BIG ABUSIVE MAN BEATER, LET'S GET ON WITH IT NOW. But seriously, the point is not that it's okay to beat a man up, not that I would be able to. Actually, he'd probably laugh at the thought of me doing that. I am in a serious dilemma, I wanted opinions and I have them.

The point is... do I stay or do I go? Hmmmm... I guess you don't know me but thanks for your thoughts atleast. I will let you know what I do. Sometimes it's soooo good and then it's soooo bad.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

I think there is some confusion here. I fully agree that hitting a man is wrong, I never said it wasn't. I have already typed I was abusive, I have also said the last time he hit me I didn't touch him, I just took it. Is that good enough for you? Sorry but I'm getting a little pissed off here, he would be able to easily kill me with his bare hands in minutes. I am betting he could kill me with one very hard punch or atleast put me out cold. I on the other hand would probably leave only a small bruise and if he wanted to, he could restrain me very easily. He has before, he is very strong and does not realize his own strength. He can pin me down where I can not even move (play wrestling)... Oh my gosh, he must be shitting himself afraid of me. I'm not trying to get off topic here or be rude but anyway... YES IT IS WRONG TO HIT ANYBODY, I AM A BIG ABUSIVE MAN BEATER, LET'S GET ON WITH IT NOW.

I agree - the stuff I said in my last post was in response to something someone else said, not about your initial post.

The point is... do I stay or do I go? Hmmmm... I guess you don't know me but thanks for your thoughts atleast. I will let you know what I do. Sometimes it's soooo good and then it's soooo bad.

I'd go. I'm not sure what else to say. I wouldn't stay with someone who hit me, whether I had hit them before or not. There is no "good" that would be worth having someone hit me. I can't say what you should or shouldn't do, but I'd go. I honestly can't imagine typing "the last time he hit me" and "he could easily kill me with his bare hands in minutes" and even considering staying.

I'd also put an immediate stop to any form of "play" wrestling. If you do stay, you really don't want to be doing things like that, because it's too easy for lines to get blurred.

[PinkNFluffy]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

This has gone way OT, though. It sounds, as far as I can tell from the OP, as if the OP has stopped being physical, but her husband hasn't. So, the issue of how her perceives being hit isn't relevant anymore. (For those talking about the OP hitting, etc. in self-defense, I'll point out that she mentions doing stuff to him, and him doing it back, as well as the other.)

Exactly, I admit to slapping him and he pushed me so hard I fell down and nearly ripped my ring off. Are we even? But the point is, I am not abusive any longer. I really honestly am not. He will still "hit me" sometimes (not too hard, not in the face) and spew ugly verbal abuse like C word, B word, W word. I just take that and don't reply-it pisses him off more, he leaves the room. I'm not scared of him unless he's made because I made him mad.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

I'm not scared of him unless he's made because I made him mad.

I can't even wrap my brain around this. If he's getting mad enough to hit you, and mad enough to scare you, then his behaviour is totally unacceptable. Period. Full stop. It's not okay. It has nothing to do with what you "made" him feel or do.

It also freaks me out that you put "hit me" in quotes like that. The fact that it's not "too hard" or in the face doesn't make it any more acceptable.

[PinkNFluffy]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I can't even wrap my brain around this. If he's getting mad enough to hit you, and mad enough to scare you, then his behaviour is totally unacceptable. Period. Full stop. It's not okay. It has nothing to do with what you "made" him feel or do.

It also freaks me out that you put "hit me" in quotes like that. The fact that it's not "too hard" or in the face doesn't make it any more acceptable.

Aww, thank you. I put hit me in quotes because... I've been hit, it's not like, really hard. It's not light but... I don't know, I can handle it, you know. Yes his behaviour is unacceptable but he is the father of my child, a loving father and when it's good, it's really good... I just don't know. Not to like dump my problems on you.

[orangewallflower]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

Exactly, I admit to slapping him and he pushed me so hard I fell down and nearly ripped my ring off. Are we even? But the point is, I am not abusive any longer. I really honestly am not. He will still "hit me" sometimes (not too hard, not in the face) and spew ugly verbal abuse like C word, B word, W word. I just take that and don't reply-it pisses him off more, he leaves the room. I'm not scared of him unless he's made because I made him mad.

Oh wow. Now that I have more of a picture, I say leave. Now or as soon as you can. Tell your family everything and let them know you need their support. This is terrible, and it won't get better. (Even though you'll have the sweet make-up stuff that is part of the cycle of abuse.) It will get worse over time.

I had a measure of optimism in a post above, but I really don't with a little more information.

It sounds like you still have some love between you, and he is likely to try hard to win you back. Do as much reading as you can about abusive relationships to help you get through this period. He will promise you the sun and the moon, and you will be missing him and hurting too. Yet it will almost certainly be as bad or worse soon after getting back together.

You are young and you have so much time to do all you want with your life. This relationship is just going to drag you down until it ends.

It won't get better.

[PinkNFluffy]

Originally Posted by orangewallflower

Oh wow. Now that I have more of a picture, I say leave. Now or as soon as you can. Tell your family everything

I can't, I really can't. Everyone thinks we are such a perfect little loving family and we are, he just has temper problems. I just couldn't do that to him, my family would think so little of him.

You are young and you have so much time to do all you want with your life. This relationship is just going to drag you down until it ends.

It won't get better.

And who is going to be my son's father, he won't even live with his daddy. And I will be a single Mom, that would be so hard, I will be so lonely...

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

Aww, thank you. I put hit me in quotes because... I've been hit, it's not like, really hard. It's not light but... I don't know, I can handle it, you know. Yes his behaviour is unacceptable but he is the father of my child, a loving father and when it's good, it's really good... I just don't know. Not to like dump my problems on you.

I'm sorry, but a loving father does not call the mother of his child "the B word", "the C word", etc. This is so not something your child needs to grow up with.

You shouldn't have to "handle" it.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

I can't, I really can't. Everyone thinks we are such a perfect little loving family and we are, he just has temper problems. I just couldn't do that to him, my family would think so little of him.

Hitting you is not just "temper problems".

Read what you wrote here. Everyone thinks you're a perfect family, because you're lying to them. If you tell them the truth, they'll think so little of him. There's a reason for that.

And who is going to be my son's father, he won't even live with his daddy. And I will be a single Mom, that would be so hard, I will be so lonely...

Who will be his father? Well, his father is his father - imo, "father" is a biological term (eg. "he fathered that child"). Who will be his daddy? Who knows? Maybe nobody.

Think about this. Do you want your sweet little boy pushing women into walls, calling them "the C word" and hitting them? Your son does not need to be around this, or have this modeled as acceptable behaviour...and as long as he's living in it, that's what it's being modeled as.

My ex was abusive - not physically, because I think he knew that if he crossed that line, I was gone (I honestly wished he'd hit me sometimes, just so I'd know it was time to leave - I wanted the clarity) - but emotionally. Even without being hit, life was easier as a single mom, and I was less lonely. Just food for thought. Oh, and my son from that first marriage? He has a stepfather who has helped him with his homework, volunteered as a Cub Leader for three years, taught him to ride a bike, worked out how to attend out-of-town Gymnastics championships, hugged him when he's down, given him advice when he needed it, and just generally let him know that he's a priority. That same stepfather has let ds1 know that his mother (me!) is also a priority...that I deserve to be treated with respect, honesty, concern and love, and that my feelings count. And, ds1 has had a few girlfriends - and has treated them all with respect, honesty, concern and love. He's generally a nice kid...but he also knows what he's seen.

[csekywithlove]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

I can't, I really can't. Everyone thinks we are such a perfect little loving family and we are, he just has temper problems. I just couldn't do that to him, my family would think so little of him.



And who is going to be my son's father, he won't even live with his daddy. And I will be a single Mom, that would be so hard, I will be so lonely...

Okay... I really am concerned about you. I have read this and well. You NEED/MUST read about the cycle of abuse. On one hand you tell that he is abusive and hits you and emotionally/mentally abuses you.And on the other hand you defend him and say he has "temper problems" no he doesn't. He has issues, abuse issues. Issues that need to be worked out. He needs to go to therapy/ anger management/ counseling. You also need to go. Not together, separate.

And please, do not worry about what your family thinks. On the outside you may look like a perfect family to them. But what happens if you son tells a family member about the abuse??? What is that abuse doing to your son? Your family must love and respect you. I do understand where you are at.

I was in a sexually abusive relationship for 21 months....as well as emotional and mental abuse. I didn't want to tell my family because they loved him and thought we were the perfect couple. When everything finally came out into the open my family wondered why I hadn't come to them sooner. They would have helped me no matter what. I am sure your family would do the same.

Most of all BE BRAVE!!! Just because you separate doesn't mean he isn't the father of your child. He can still have a loving and cherished relationship with him son. And yes you may be single for a while. But not forever! Things are hard in life and you may be lonely but trust me, it will all be for the best in the end. Making a decision, whatever you decide, and following through with it will make you feel better.

Best to you. :::