Does it sound like I'm in an abusive relationship? UPDATED Post 162 - Page 3

[csekywithlove]

Sorry this is basically what Storm Bride said, but my comp had some problems and I wanted to go ahead and post what I had.

Again, the best to you and really give this some thought.

[Theia]

I'm a single mom because I left an abusive relationship. Actually, if you go to the single parents forum here, there are several women in this situation. Is it hard? Yes. It is scary to leave. But it also gets better. I am one year out of my relationship and DD and I have a new normal, I am getting counseling and building a new life. I am sometimes lonely for a relationship, but hardly at all. I think about it and dream about it some, but I really have no desire to actually put myself out there and take a chance again. Some day I will. But being lonely is the least of my concerns right now. And TBH, I am having too much fun enjoying DD's toddlerhood to want to give up this precious time together and put all sorts of energy into starting a new relationship. StormBride is right, it's actually less lonely outside of abusive relationships in many cases.

FWIW I didn't tell my parents that DD's father was abusive. I said I left because it wasn't "good". Leave's a lot up to interpretation. I didn't tell them because I was not sure how they would respond, I didn't want them to freak out or to feel sorry for me, etc. It wasn't to protect his standing though, more about my own pride.

I agree with the PP's, you should leave. Please google "cycle of abuse", and here is a great article that might also help. There are also many resources out there to help you and your DC get to safety.

[Purple*Lotus]

I 100% agree that you should leave him. It is a lot easier said than done, I have firsthand experience with that. However, we are all here to support you emotionally and to cheer you on.

I think that he will always be your son's father. Just because you don't live in the same home with him does not mean that he can not continue to be in his life. Maybe once you are apart, you two can learn how to have a good co-parenting relationship. Would be be open to going to counseling? Maybe once you leave, you two can start counseling to work on a good co-parenting plan.

I know from my own situation that I always did a double take on how terrible my STBX could treat me, and how much he loved our cats and how affectionate and loving he was with them. So I don't assume that just because someone isn't a good partner means that they aren't a loving parent. I know it can happen a lot, but once you are out of the situation maybe you can evaluate his relationship with your son and see that he is a good Dad to him.

Sorry, I hope that all made sense, I just woke up so I am groggy.

[PinkNFluffy]

Hi everyone

Thanks for the support. I woke up this morning and read all the replies. It has encouraged me to start looking for an apartment. While my partner was getting ready for work he saw and was upset. I think he understands and I can't worry too much about how he feels, I need to do what is right. It's a bit of a "let down", but I've learnt so much. I'm just going to keep looking and I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Thanks again.

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Please keep us posted and STAY SAFE. We will all worry and wonder how you are doing until we see postaive updates. . YOU CAN DO THIS!

[Dr.Worm]

Be careful! If he knows you are looking to get away he may turn violent. If you get email updates when someone responds to a post stop getting them. Get anything you may need to take with you..money; birth certificates; etc and put it somewhere safe so if you need to get out fast you can. You are making the right decision. I know it's hard but you can do it.

[PinkNFluffy]

Yes, it is definately very hard. I love him, I see beneath everything and I really genuinely care for him. I mean, things go good for a while and then it's like... maybe I should have tried harder. Maybe I should keep trying, just, be a good woman to him. I know I could make it work if I wanted but now, I don't know if that's what I want anymore...

[journeymom]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

Yes, it is definately very hard. I love him, I see beneath everything and I really genuinely care for him. I mean, things go good for a while and then it's like... maybe I should have tried harder. Maybe I should keep trying, just, be a good woman to him. I know I could make it work if I wanted but now, I don't know if that's what I want anymore...

You're only half of the equation. If he doesn't want to change, to make it work, it won't work. Even if you want to.

You are a separate, independent person. It's OK to think about what's right for you, even if it doesn't include him.

[PinkNFluffy]

Originally Posted by journeymom

You're only half of the equation. If he doesn't want to change, to make it work, it won't work. Even if you want to.

You are a separate, independent person. It's OK to think about what's right for you, even if it doesn't include him.

Thank you... I do want to think about what's right for me, but I don't want to be selfish either. I don't want to hurt him. My last boyfriend, we broke up because of similar reasons. A year later he was dead, I really knew when I broke up with him he would self destruct and die and he did!

[~Charlie's~Angel~]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

Thank you... I do want to think about what's right for me, but I don't want to be selfish either. I don't want to hurt him. My last boyfriend, we broke up because of similar reasons. A year later he was dead, I really knew when I broke up with him he would self destruct and die and he did!

That still isnt your fault. Its not your job to make sure some one doesn't KILL themselves. you know?

[Georgetown HB Mom]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

I will be honest with you, for two years I lived with an abusive man and neighbours phoned the police so I had to go to a woman's shelter. I just know it wouldn't be unsafe if I left my current partner, I don't think it's really violent violent, we just fight once in a while and sometimes it gets sort of physical. All I'd have to do is pack my things and go.

In your first post you mentioned that you are 22 years old and that you have been with your current partner for 4 years. So, you met him at 16. So, did you live with another boyfriend that also abused you?
You are very young and this sounds like a very bad situation for you and your child. If your little boy continues to see this kind of behavior he will grow up and think it is perfectly ok to slap, hit, kick and call women names. It is not ok for you to keep him in this situation no matter how loving your partner can be at times or because you don't want to be alone or because you want a "daddy" for your child. You need to get away from this man and do not date anyone else until you completely straighten out your life, mature a lot and realize what a good relationship is.

Lisa

[Georgetown HB Mom]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

Thank you... I do want to think about what's right for me, but I don't want to be selfish either. I don't want to hurt him. My last boyfriend, we broke up because of similar reasons. A year later he was dead, I really knew when I broke up with him he would self destruct and die and he did!

You can not be responsible for another adult's decisions and choices. You need to think about your child first and foremost. Not yourself and not your partner. That child is innocent and was brought into this mess and unless you straighten up you will royally screw him up and that is not fair at all.

Lisa

[ZTMOM]

Originally Posted by Georgetown HB Mom

You can not be responsible for another adult's decisions and choices. You need to think about your child first and foremost. Not yourself and not your partner. That child is innocent and was brought into this mess and unless you straighten up you will royally screw him up and that is not fair at all.

Lisa

[PinkNFluffy]

Mmm Hmm anyways...

[Theia]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

Yes, it is definately very hard. I love him, I see beneath everything and I really genuinely care for him. I mean, things go good for a while and then it's like... maybe I should have tried harder. Maybe I should keep trying, just, be a good woman to him. I know I could make it work if I wanted but now, I don't know if that's what I want anymore...

What you wrote, that is totally how abusers keep us in their lives. They know we will take the blame and that we will try even harder because it is our fault and maybe some day we will hit upon the magical combination and everything will be fine and the abuse will then stop. But it's a dead end and the abuse doesn't stop like that.

And I'll try to maybe rephrase what GHBM posted about "screwing up children".

Abuse is a cycle in many ways. Children who are abused or witness abuse often either become abusers or abuse victims as adults. The cycle is perpetuated by staying in an abusive relationship. It's like those children have a huge disadvantage already to have safe, healthy relationships as adults. I am of the opinion that in some way every parent screws up their children some how, despite our best, well-intentioned efforts. But staying in an abusive relationship is an extreme in the screw-up your children category. Now that you have realized what is going on, you are in a place to make your DCs life better for the future. So maybe that is what GHBM was trying to express, the part about the cycle and effects upon children who are witnesses to abuse.

Please know that the most dangerous time for a woman in an abusive relationship is when she is trying to leave. Please be very careful. Have the number to your local DV shelter with you, maybe if you have a cell phone disguise the name and put it in your phonebook. I highly suggest calling your local DV shelter anyway. They will have many resources to help you with this transition, you don't have to be a resident to receive help.

[Storm Bride]

I'm not trying to take shots at your age, but the way you react to these comments (about screwing up your son) doesn't speak to a great level of maturity. (I'm really not trying to be insulting - I have a tendency to react immaturely to certain criticisms, and I'm 41!) Nobody was saying that you're immature - they're saying you're young. You are. Being young is not bad, nor is it good - it just is. Being young, just like being middle-aged or being old, has its pros and cons. One of the cons is, frequently, a lack of perspective.

As to the thing about screwing up your son...you and your partner are teaching your son that it's okay to curse women out, to smash them into walls, and to hit them (as long as it's not in the face). So, yeah...that's screwing him up. Nobody is trying to be mean or nasty or judgmental. We're just calling it as we see it. This whole abusive situation does not just involve you and your partner - it also involves your son.

Seriously - picture yourself 20-25 years from now. What are you going to say to a future DIL who charges your son with assault?

As for your stuff about being a good woman...being a good woman doesn't mean "taking it". It doesn't mean trying harder to be nice to someone who is hitting you. It just doesn't. Bending over backwards to be a "good woman" to a guy only works if he's being a good man to you. This one is not. This one is abusive.

[confustication]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I'm not trying to take shots at your age, but the way you react to these comments (about screwing up your son) doesn't speak to a great level of maturity. (I'm really not trying to be insulting - I have a tendency to react immaturely to certain criticisms, and I'm 41!) Nobody was saying that you're immature - they're saying you're young. You are. Being young is not bad, nor is it good - it just is. Being young, just like being middle-aged or being old, has its pros and cons. One of the cons is, frequently, a lack of perspective.

As to the thing about screwing up your son...you and your partner are teaching your son that it's okay to curse women out, to smash them into walls, and to hit them (as long as it's not in the face). So, yeah...that's screwing him up. Nobody is trying to be mean or nasty or judgmental. We're just calling it as we see it. This whole abusive situation does not just involve you and your partner - it also involves your son.

Seriously - picture yourself 20-25 years from now. What are you going to say to a future DIL who charges your son with assault?

As for your stuff about being a good woman...being a good woman doesn't mean "taking it". It doesn't mean trying harder to be nice to someone who is hitting you. It just doesn't. Bending over backwards to be a "good woman" to a guy only works if he's being a good man to you. This one is not. This one is abusive.

I completely and totally agree.

I will also say that the perspective I had at 22 is very different than the perspective I have in my 30s, and I assume it will be different in the decades going forward. It's not a criticism, just a reality.

I say this as a mom who tried to stay, and to keep our relationship together for my child, but the best thing I ever did for my daughter was to teach her what was not acceptable in terms of treatment from someone else. When her dad refused to change his behaviors, I refused to keep him in my life. He has not seen his daughter sinch she was three- she is now eight. My husband is an amazing stepfather to her, and together we ae able to model a healthy relationship that will allow her, I hope, to move into her own adult life with healthy expectations of relationships.

When we keep our children in toxic situations, we are absolutely and completley screwing them up. Instead of being defensive about that, understand what it is you are choosing to teach your child by staying.

[Storm Bride]

OP: I know you're feeling ganged up on a bit. I just want to make one other point. I did it. I stuck around in an abusive relationship for a long time, because he was ds1's dad, because I "knew" he was a good guy down deep (we got together when I was 16 and he was 15...we had quite a few good years, before things went downhill...but the bad part was a solid five years), because I could fix it if I just tried harder. I did my son no favours. He's turned out well at almost 17...but he went through a whole lot of crap, and watched a mom he loved very much go through a whole lot of crap, that he never, ever should have. I'm cutting you down. It's just that I've been there, and I know it wasn't good for my son. (I do, in fact, see a few of his dad's behaviour patterns in him, but they've fortunately been ameliorated to the point where they're somewhat annoying quirks, instead of something utterly destructive.)

[PinkNFluffy]

Hi again

Thank you everyone for caring enough to keep replying, it might sound lame but it is so touching.

I talked to two friends today about it, one who is in charge sort of of giving me more work hours. I normally work only weekends but am going to take some extra hours so I can save up enough money. I have done the math and am able to leave April hopefuly.

I feel bad, I feel bad for him but it is the replies here that are giving me strength. I don't think any of my friends know how it is between us, nor do I really want to tell them as much as I've told you.

I don't want to mess my son up! I love him more than life itself, I thought I was doing the right thing by staying. I mean, he has seen us fight and he has gotten very scared for me but... he is only two. I know it doesn't matter but I figured we'd change before who got old enough to really know what was happening.

I have an apointment to look at an apartment tomorrow evening, my partner is angry at me and I am hoping everything goes smoothly. We just haven't been talking to one another. Well, I ask him how his day was and pick him up from work and cook him dinner still.

Another thing, my parents are very supportive of me and I asked them if they'd help me out with buying a car if I left (I didn't go into detail). They are doing well now and she said of course, she is even talking about buying a revenue property since the mortgage rate is so good and letting me stay in a home they buy (paying the mortgage of course). I just need the courage, so I am going to pray.

STORMBRIDE: Thank you for your insight, do you think it is anything else that could have affected your son? Or do you sincerely believe it is him witnessing the violence in your home?

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by PinkNFluffy

Thank you for your thoughtful responses...

I kind of do want to seperate because things go great and then... we fight. Like I said, it's rarely physical anymore but... I don't know. Sometimes I think we bring out the worst in each other. Then again, when we're happy, we're sooo loving.

Anyway, thanks again for your suggestions.

THIS IS AN ABUSE CYCLE! THIS IS A BAD SIGN!



If you feel drawn to him or to repairing the relationship, at least keep telling yourself to get SAFE first and then when you are safe and your child is safe, you can think about your options.