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I don't hate my MIL. She's not exactly a collection of personality and behavioral traits that I'd call positive or enjoyable, but I do not hate her. She is my family. I am doing my best to find a way to not let myself be driven insane, and work on my own end of things. Luckily, she is many, many states away.
Now, hubs' closest girlfriend - her, I might come to hate. He thinks of her as a sister... I think of her as a self-righteous navel-gazer who has never taken the time to show me the slightest bit of genuine courtesy or interest, but wonders why I don't enjoy spending time with her. I'm not here to carry your bags and amuse you, sister. Bleh. OK - on the positive, constructive tip, she and I are two completely different people, and I need to continue to do my best to find things to respect an enjoy about her, if I perceive that effort as mutual or not. I can do it!
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Huge laughs at the size zero rainbow-fart post. Thank you for that!
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i'm glad i saw this thread! Â i read the whole thing and I am truly sorry for ya'll, especially those who have m-i-l living with you! Â I don't hate mine. Â I actually put "i love my m-i-l" on my treasure map last year, because I want to and I do HATE feeling so much dislike for someone; I have never disliked someone so much in my entire life as I do my in laws- sisters, mother, and father.
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I think the problem is that they hate me. Â It started when our son was born. Â He is their first grandchild and they thought I was queen bitch when I wouldn't have them at the birth. Â I did let them come see him the same day he was born, just after we had had a few hours alone. Â But apparently, it ruined their chance at being grandparents because they weren't present at his birth. Â
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I compounded the problem when we went over to their house with the newborn and they asked how soon he could come spend the night with them. Â I was taken aback and said "Maybe when he is three?" Â The thing is, he will soon be three, and if they ask again, I will have to say no again! Â
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 And then there was another time, too...she asked what she could buy for Christmas his first year, and DH told her we needed to get a different car seat and could she buy that for us.  She said she would buy two, one for her car, and I had to tell her (nicely, though) that she wouldn't be driving my son anywhere! Â
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It's weird though, because apparently that is the only way they want to see him, if they can have him away from us. Â We live in the same town and they go months and months and months without seeing him, calling, anything. Â I guess they hate me so much that they would rather not see their grandson for long periods of time than to have us over for dinner or something. Â I used to invite them over here for dinner, pretty regularly, actually, but I stopped. Â Because I would go to the trouble of cooking a special meal, and they would eat it and then get up and come in the den while I cleaned up the kitchen...the last time this happened I got done cleaning and was coming to join them, when I overheard something that made me so ticked off I swore I would never invite them again. Â They were making fun of me! Â It was S-I-L who said it, but everyone laughed really hard and it REALLY hurt my feelings. Â Not so much what was said, but just the fact that they were in my house, full from the good meal I just cooked them and talking shit and laughing behind my back. Â I guess you mdc gals will appreciate it, so I'll share. Â She was using some kind of stupid retarded voice and she said "OH! I don't use soap; if I get dirty I just go out in my backyard and pick these special leaves that I grow and I scrub myself with those." Â And just for the record, I DO use soap; I don't scrub myself with leaves! Â I guess she was referring either to my herb garden in which I do grow all kinds of wonderful, mostly culinary and medicinal, herbs, or maybe to the fact that WE grow luffah gourds....and of course luffahs DO make excellent scrubby sponges! Â I actually use them for scrubbing dishes, though, not for washing bodies. Â
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Anyway, like I said, I don't want to hate my m-i-l or anyone.  I have boys, and I will probably be a m-i-l myself.  I know I would want to see my grandbabies every day if I could, and that is why I made the effort to invite them over so regularly and continue to see her even though I don't like her.  But  like I said, she doesn't even bother trying to see her grandchild now and she thinks of me as superbitch because she can't come get him and "show him off" to her friends.  I shudder to think of what she says about me!  I have heard her say some nasty stuff about people she is blood related to, stuff that I had a pretty clear intuition was entirely untrue. Â
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I should stop! Â I needed to vent; thanks for the chance!
Oh man, I don't hate my MIL. However my mother is a horrible MIL. Not to my DH since he set her ass straight but to my sisters husband. She treats him like shit and makes fun of him to his face... and of course behind his back. She gets mad at me if I tell her she's being mean. And she's mad that I don't go along with making fun of him. He's quirky but my little sister loves him and I can't go against that. He's good to her.Â
it's not so much that I hate her .... it's ... not sure how to word it ... that I find her behavior very strange at times and lately extremely rude and manipulative.
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I've put up with cultural differences and awkwardness for quite a few years but after the last few months I now feel that .... that's it. I can't put up with anymore, even for the sake of DH and the children.
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So I spoke/ wrote what I had to say (= boundary settings) . She' not happy at all (she thinks it's"normal" to tell me what I should be feeling, .. which I find ridiculous of course). Some other family members are not happy either. .... I think DH is relieved in fact, he won't stand up to her, just run away to another country and limit exposure (he won't ring her more than once or twice a year, ignores her e-mails, won't answer the phone ...).
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what I find hard to give up is the "ideal" of the happy family picture ... took me years to get to the point that I can now give up that rosy picture that just cannot happen in our circumstances ...
Glad I'm not the only one in this situation.
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Ive been with my husband 12 years now and his parents have never visited us once despite only living a half hour drive away. Â When we told them we were getting married the MIL said "don't expect us to come". Â They did come on the day but sat with long faces throughout the service and left straight after refusing to attend the reception. Â
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Every christmas my husband gets a card with just his name on and a present for him. Â I apparently don't exist.Â
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It was her birthday recently and she had a 'family' meal which of course I wasn't invited to as I'm not classed as family. Â She is a wicked and manipulative person who orders the family to do what she says while she sits on her throne and makes no effort to get on with her children's spouses. Â I think she's a bitter and jealous woman and dosnt like the fact that hers sons finally happy after a disastrous first marriage and a crap upbringing. Â I feel sorry for the bitter twisted old woman. Â
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I avoid her like the plague now but did visit for the first few years we were together and made and effort to get on but she didn't want to know. Â I would either be ignored completely or made clear that I wasn't welcome. Â She is a selfish and self-centred old woman and unfortunately most the women in the family seem to take after her. Â
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I have 4 beautiful grown up children of my own and I will never put them in this position or make their families feel like they have made me feel. Â I think that makes me the better person. Â
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I also have a wonderful and supportive family of my own who treat my husband like he's one of our own. Â He sees the difference. Â
OMGosh! How have I not seen this thread??
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My MIL is the center of the universe and is a PITA to deal with. Unfortunately, we live about 5 minutes away from her so I don't even have a good excuse to not see her. Over the years she has gotten worse and worse and now it's to the point where I try not to talk to her or see her at all. A few of the fun ones over the years....
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DH and my first Valentines Day together was completely ruined by MIL's meltdown. At that time DH worked in a nicer italian restaurant around here so was super busy on Valentines Day. He basically worked the entire day and into the night. No big deal. I had made a nice dinner for when he got home that night. Except MIL called him on his way home from work and WIGGED OUT on him for not going to HER house after he got off work (he had worked like 12 hours on his feet and was tired for goodness sake!). Over the years he has spent more time/money on her on Valentines Day than he ever has on me. It doesn't really bother me (it's a hallmark holiday, afterall) but it just goes to show how she is. If he doesn't buy her flowers and take her out to dinner then she flips out and tries to make him feel like a bad son. He and I have never gone out for dinner on Valentines Day, but he has with MIL. He usually doesn't get me flowers for V-Day, but he gets her flowers every year (and some years he's actually called me up to ask ME to go to the store to get flowers for MIL!). And I have. Because I'm that d*mn awesome 
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My family lives 2 states away. We see them for a weekend every other month (court ordered for visitation for my older son, I have no say in this), almost never on a holiday (except Thanksgiving some years). She has flipped out many times about us spending the "whole weekend" with my family but not with them. Ummmm.... it's an 8 hour drive there and an 8 hour drive back. Not exactly a relaxing weekend, ya know? We spend WAY more time with MIL/FIL than we do with my family. The first year we decided to spend Thanksgiving with my family she threw a huge temper tantrum, saying that we were ruining her holiday and that we care more about my family than about her.
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Every single holiday has to be spent with her, otherwise she starts crying and screaming about how nobody cares about her. A couple years ago we put our foot down and told her that we would go to her house for Christmas Eve but on Christmas Day we would be spending it at our house. They were welcome to come visit, but we weren't going anywhere. She flipped out, called dh screaming and crying about how he doesn't love her anymore. She started yelling at him that she could die any time and this could be her last Christmas and wouldn't he be so upset if he didn't see her on her last Christmas? So DH (who was sick at the time) went out in the freezing rain to go to her house. And when he got there she actually made a comment to dh that she didn't actually want us to come over, she just wanted to see if we would. WTF?!
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But the kicker, the reason I'm pretty much done with her, is in December my dad got really ill. Like, laying in the ICU being told he has just hours to live. Thankfully he survived, by some miracle. We ended up staying there longer than we had planned (2 states away, where my dad lives). We stayed until Christmas Eve and then drove home (got home late that night). DH emailed his parents the Tuesday before Christmas to let them know that we weren't going to be in town on Christmas Eve so we would have to change plans (we had planned on going to their house Christmas Eve). Instead of saying "no problem, let me know when you get back so we can see the kids. Hope your dad is doing better", my MIL flipped out and caused a huge drama scene about how we were ruining her holiday and how we were so mean to her and yadda yadda yadda. Who does that?? So I sent her an email that told her off then told her I'm done with her. If she wants to see the kids she can talk to dh about it. I don't answer my phone or email from her and I leave the house (pump milk to leave with dh) when dh invites her over.
That's terrible, how ungracious of them!
 Instead of saying "no problem, let me know when you get back so we can see the kids. Hope your dad is doing better", my MIL flipped out and caused a huge drama scene about how we were ruining her holiday and how we were so mean to her and yadda yadda yadda. Who does that??Yes, I would have to go with a mentally unbalanced person.  This is just not normal behavior.  And the Valentine's day thing---wow.
My mother in law just left our house after DS's first birthday party and after biting my tongue the entire time, I was coming online to start a similar thread. Luckily, I found this one. She is so disrespectful towards me and how I parent. 
She buys my son things that we have specifically asked her not to (she says she doesn't need permission to buy him things because she's the Grandma), she always makes little insults and digs at me and how I parent, she questions my husband on everything I do (like how long I plan on breastfeeding), and I'm just so tired of it. We have nothing in common and live very differently with very different values. I can respect her and get along when we have to see each other, but I can't handle being insulted in front of my child (especially about the way I parent him) or having her buy him things that we don't allow/need. My husband has had to speak to her a few times about this all before. I guess it's time we really lay down the law and make her understand enough is enough. Sigh. 
Hey friends, I just want to give you some hope. Â Yesterday dh and I celebrated 17 years from our first date and in the last 3 weeks my inlaws have been unselfish, kind, gracious and even generous. Â Things that have NEVER happened in the previous 17 years. Â It freaked me out a bit, so much that I called dh and he was as confused as I was. Â So maybe, it is possible for people that act all sorts of crazy, selfish and mean to change. Â I'm hoping it sticks :)
I just wandered back into this thread!
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A&A - I agree; I'm fairly offended by husband's friends and family who didn't seem to be happy that he'd found someone. I think it's a combination of a few things; I'm not "their type" of person (obviously I'm his type, but I am afraid I stand out in the group), and they were all very, very used to him being single. He dated very casually, prior, but had no long term relationships. None. So he went from their single family member and friend to being married to someone they had never met and didn't have very much in common with. I can see their surprise. I don't appreciate their reaction. He's agreed that if something "rude" happens, he needs to be on my team. Alas, he is one of those people that you could detonate a nuclear device under, and they wouldn't notice. Heh. He's finally gotten irritated enough with his girlfriend's behavior regarding another issue that he's stopped responding to her as much as he used to. She's reaching out more. Maybe this is the door opening for a conversation about how we are all going to spend our time and lives together.
I live with my MIL & we recently got a puppy. She undermines every training exercise. The long list of stupidity isn't worth repeating. Bottom line, the sound of her breathing makes me wish she would drive off the road and impale herself on a telephone pole. If I never had to see her, smell her, hear her, or look at her again I would jump for joy. The problem is, my husband doesn't understand my inability to "ignore her" as he says to. He says, "it's easier to ignore her and avoid confrontation" which means I would have to allow her to raise my puppy improperly. He backs HER up. I am at the end of my rope. He refuses to do anything to work towards buying our own place. I swear there will be NO children until we are FAR away from her. If she's like this with a dog (feeding him popcorn!! not putting him out!! training him to sleep OUT of the crate instead of in it where he belongs!!) IMAGINE what she'll be like with a baby. NO WAY. Never alone with my kid. Looking for some advice on how to avoid going on tranquilizer meds. Short of leaving my husband and starting my life over, does anyone have any tips? PS if you ask her a direct question on whether she did something "unacceptable" she won't lie and say she didn't do it, but she refuses to say yes. also, I HATE her guts.
I live with my MIL & we recently got a puppy. She undermines every training exercise. The long list of stupidity isn't worth repeating. Bottom line, the sound of her breathing makes me wish she would drive off the road and impale herself on a telephone pole. If I never had to see her, smell her, hear her, or look at her again I would jump for joy. The problem is, my husband doesn't understand my inability to "ignore her" as he says to. He says, "it's easier to ignore her and avoid confrontation" which means I would have to allow her to raise my puppy improperly. He backs HER up. I am at the end of my rope. He refuses to do anything to work towards buying our own place. I swear there will be NO children until we are FAR away from her. If she's like this with a dog (feeding him popcorn!! not putting him out!! training him to sleep OUT of the crate instead of in it where he belongs!!) IMAGINE what she'll be like with a baby. NO WAY. Never alone with my kid. Looking for some advice on how to avoid going on tranquilizer meds. Short of leaving my husband and starting my life over, does anyone have any tips? PS if you ask her a direct question on whether she did something "unacceptable" she won't lie and say she didn't do it, but she refuses to say yes. also, I HATE her guts.
Toxic Parents, by Susan Forward.
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The times I recommend this book should not go towards my post count.
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my husband was diagnosed with bipolar about a year ago... before that he was in a severe manic state, left me and our (very young) kids to go live with an equally mentally ill nurse who got him hooked on prescription drugs. He lost 2 jobs, was pale and shaking and ruined his life.
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MIL (and the other ILS) invited this other woman to their home, on vacations,  bad mouthed me to no end with her, and even talked to the other woman AFTER my hubby got psychiatric help and begged them NOT to talk to her. Apparently they were trying to "help her" thru this tough time.
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MIL STILL talked to her after the cops had to come and take her away to the psych ward for the night after she showed up high and pounding on my door-- where my kids were!! They heard the whole thing!!
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 So, my ILS encouraged my kids to bond with my husband's mentally ill, drug addict mistress. They are still mad at me for truthfully saying some things I was concerned about having certain family members baby sit our kids on his days with the kids. His sister has some mental health issues & had given some drugs to my hubby before.... I brough itt up with my attorney. Hubby hacked into my email and fwd it to his family members, who got mad at me for bad mouthing SIL.Â
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Oh well. I figure I dont want friends like that anyway! I should be proud that jerks like them dont like me!!! LOL
I don't hate my MIL, although she is toxic to my husband. She lives in Oregon and doesn't visit often. It's kinda sad to read some of these recent posts (on this page mainly,) not because I think the posters are being unfair but because I have three sons and someday I may be a MIL. I only hope someday that I will have decent relationships with my sons' wives.Â
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It's so mind-bending to think of family-of-origin dynamics and their effects on spouses! Seriously, lauriebeth, I am so glad that you have the personal fortitude to recognize that your in-laws are nuts. I've spent the last seven years of my life wondering how to make everything right with my husband but finally I've realized that the problem isn't me. Sure, I have my faults, like we all do. I want to work on meeting my husband's needs and have a stable, rational life but it really isn't going to happen. I just need to keep reminding myself that the parameters of our relationship are not normal.
