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Anyone truly hate their mother in law? - Page 10

post #181 of 192
Wow, sorry to everyone else who has so much hate towards their mother in laws! I as well feel so much disappointment and anger towards my MIL, I'm trying to avoid saying I hate her but I feel as if I may and I'm trying to not get to that as hate is such a bad word. But I can't stand her. I'm in therapy with my husband right now, we have been for 6 months and it is helping but I actually think my hate is coming out now. My therapist says I need tougher skin and I don't need to let her have so much power over me and I am trying so hard not to. But since being in therapy I am replaying how awful and truly manipulative she has been and it just frustrates me so much!!! I just don't see why you would want to be that way and especially towards your own family. MY husband and I have been together for 8 years, hes the baby, and she's a mom of 4 boys. Since day 1 I could feel jealousy from her and she said my son is crazy about you...you better not hurt him. I was so young at the time that I really didn't think she could be crazy or realize how threatening she was actuallly being. But now that we're older and have a toddler, I realize how evil and manipulative she is and I am so upset because his family has all the resources in the world to be a great family, but because of her drama and manipulative ways they are not. She stirs up sooooo much shit!! They have a family business which is super successful, and yes, my husband was lured into quitting college to work for them because they said he'd be more successful financially working for them then if he went to college. His mom however determines his pay and everything. She has lied from day 1 about his pay. She said once he got certified in their field she'd pay him $25/hr to start off and then increase it each year. He got certified within 6 months and she never increased his pay. When we finally let months go by and finally sat down purposefully and demanded the pay increase, she said she never said he would make that much and for us to give her the mortgage payments on our house and she'd pay that because she was looking out for us and our taxes. I'm an RN with my bachelor's, I'm not completely stupid. I looked into it and our tax margin would still stay in the 15% with a pay raise and in fact, she'd be pocketing an extra 200 a month by paying the mortgage instead of giving him his pay increase. So we demanded no and finally by 3 months of struggling she increased his pay to $20/hr. Still not the $25 but it was what he should be getting paid with his certification. 20/hr is good and we were happy but the thing that gets me is his family is a millionaire, why would she struggle that much?? This was just the beginning. When I finally graduated and started looking for a nursing job I couldn't find one because we are a smaller town and we have many surrounding nursing schools so the nursing field is not short here. I graduated from a major university in our state but because I didn't know any of the instructors or managers here I was not immediately hired. EVery single day his mom called me asking me if I had found a job. She made job looking more stressful than it already was. I was so stressed because I could tell she was angry I wasn't working FT yet. Finally I found a job and things were better but then she started judging me after we got married because I wasn't the perfect wife. If DH lifted a finger to cook or clean she immediately said something about how if he was at home she'd make sure he never cleaned or cooked or had to run to the store to get milk. Well, she got cancer and I felt bad for feeling anger towards her. When she told us all, I'll never forget that sick feeling I got, it was like she enjoyed the drama and she even smirked when she told us all-it was soooo dramatic. She has been cancer free for 4 years now-she got the cancer removed within a week and didn't have to have chemo or radiation. She needed injections for nutrition monthly which she asked me to give to her so she didn't have to go to the doctor for and I gave them to her, happily-I never made an issue of it-she came over and I quickly got it over with and never mentioned it because I knew she was extremely uncomfortable. After about a 4 months she kept complaining she hated depending on me for givinign her the meds and then she told me her doctor said she didn't need them. I think to this day she just stopped receiving them because she hates medicines and thinks she is too damn perfect to need anything. That's my main issue with her-she thinks she is absolutely perfect. She thinks she is the most perfect person and she even told us she didn't need therapy because she doesn't have any issues but two weeks prior she broke down crying to DH asking why so many people have hate towards her, trying to get sympathy from him because I had stopped talking to her. There's so mcuh to write and I'm trying to get it all out on this thread because I really do just want to move on and put all of this in the past. Right now I have distanced myself from her. She has belittled me too much. Things got worse after I had our daughter. That first night home she wouldn't let me hold my own daughter!!!!! She kept falling asleep holding my daughter (she insisted on spending the night) and I'd say please don't fall asleep that's dangerous and she'd say well if i do just wake me up!!! She had insisted on staying over to help out and now I couldn't even touch my 4 pound helpless daughter, granted I am a pediatric RN, and I had to babysit her ass and stay up all night watching her hold my daughter. My DH used to be so blind and never stood up for me until we got into counseling. I couldn't take it anymore. I honestly thought we'd be the 3rd failed marriage out of his brothers and I really think his mom wants that and i think the other marriages failed because of her. All of my sister in laws have issues with her. The only other brother besides my husband who hasn't divorced lives 8 hours away-I think that's the reasoning they haven't divorced. But my mother in law told my SIL's mom at their engagement party-when they divorce I get their kids. She is truly just so evil. She thinks she controls everything!!! I'm going to write more in a little while. Thanks for reading.
post #182 of 192

That's awful. The MIL issues can definitely be difficult. I haven't been on this thread in a while but I did post before about my awful MIL. Things have gotten better here since we quit dealing with the in laws as much. Our trouble isn't just the MIL either though it's the entire family. DH gets treated like crap by them and that makes it worse for having to deal with them. For us these people always ignore and leave dh out - to the point of not even telling him when his grandmother is in the hospital or grandfather died - that kind of crazy stuff! Like he doesn't exist until they want/need something out of him.

 

They have helped us over the years but it's never help like we're truly family - example: We had no ac in our car because one vehicle had broken down so we were also to one vehicle when we had baby dd so they let us borrow their truck for a few weeks. That was great but then they took back the truck and signed it over to youngest SIL because she wrecked her car. The camper they let dh borrow when he started working off they wanted us to buy for $4000 but after he returned it when we bought ours they gave it to SIL. It's just stupid stuff like that. They want him to rush and fix any and everything they need or any of the SIL's need but yet they never "help" him like they do those girls. A lot of that is because it's his stepdad so he's the stepson and those are the stepdad's actual daughters but MIL just lets it go. I get sick to death of them wanting things from DH and then treating him like a secondary citizen to the family. We both work and always have but anytime we've had trouble they just nod and agree like yep life sucks. Let the girls need something though.... they just mortgaged their house to pay off SIL's car because she hasn't paid a note since she got it and was gonna lose it. They are also paying to rent her a house too because she's too good to live in the camper they gave her or at their house. Aghhhhh! Add the drinking and meanness and it's a bad situation.

 

We hope to move one day and I'll be glad when we do so I can get as far away from these people as possible. 

post #183 of 192
Quote:
Originally Posted by punkyegg View Post
 

I also despise my MIL....but you girls are really lucky! I live next door and I see her sh..tty face every day. She always has something negative to say to me and mekes my life miserable. My husband is 100% with my side but still...I cannot get her over!! I wish I didn t give a sh..t about her. I pray she disappars but my husband sais the more I hate her the more I think about her. I have to learn how to neglect her in my mind. I tried to convince my husband to move in an other place but his house is amazing and doesn t want to leave it. He paid a lot to buy it from his parents!  ..............Please help. Does anyone know a psychological trick to convince myself she worths a sh..t!?? 


Wait, what???  Why should you convince yourself she's worth a shit?

 

The only psychological trick I ever used with my MIL (and to a lesser degree my own mother) was figuring out how to change my behavior when she did something to hurt me.  She criticizes a decision of mine?  Instead of trying to explain to her or ask for her understanding, I just repeat my decision -- and don't share the next one with her.  She monopolizes the conversation at Thanksgiving?  She isn't invited to the next one (we had her over a couple Sundays ahead of the holiday for a nice meal).  In short, what kept me sane was accepting she will never change, and realizing that I do not need her to change.  But remember, you don't need to accommodate her, either.  Ever.

post #184 of 192

I am sooo happy that there are others in this world with similar problems like me... 

 

My inlaws are so awful. I never liked them, but kind of tried to put up with them, being the parents of my DH. My MIL has some serious mental health problems, she is very hyperactive, very underweight and very weird. Plus full of herself, manipulative and plain horrible. 

 

The peak was reached a couple of weeks ago, when I just found out that we were expecting number four. After stuffing their faces with dinner that I cooked for them (and never got a thank you or anything) - they told my husband (before we told them about number four) that we seriously need to stop having children because our genes are severely messed up and any following child would have the same gene defect as the other three. I was like WHAT THE F*CK?! And than they said they have to have a voice in this, since they gave "so much money for your house" - so they actually have to decide. 

 

I was like: Better leave right now before something really nasty happens here. 

 

The next day the came to a kindergarten party and manipulated the kids within like two minutes so that my DD1 and DS1 were sobbing hysterically. She told them what a BAD mother I am and how I would never let them see her again and how she would KILL HERSELF for that. 

 

That was the deal break for me. No contact anymore. None. Not that they would have tried, or apologised or anything.  

 

They want to sue us for the right to see their grandchildren. I am kind of looking forward to it, openly discussing how FIL slapped DS1 so hard that he was crying hysterically and afterwards lying about it, or how he pulled DD1's hair so that she cried hysterically for like 15 min with a judge. That will surely make the jugde want them to see our kids. 

And I will surely let a judge decide who sees my kids anyway. Yeah, right. 

 

I think I do hate them. I don't want to, because I don't like how it makes me feel, but I cannot forgive yet. One day I'll be able to forgive. That won't make me let them see the kids though, I think. 

 

(other thinks happened as well, I could write a book about inappropriate stuff they did ...) 

post #185 of 192

I don't think I *hate* my MIL yet but there are things that she does that I HATE.

 

Let me ask this question: how much time is the right amount of time to spend with your MIL anyway?

 

When I met my DH, we hardly saw MIL because we lived across the country from her.  In fact, when I first met her and FIL, I was shocked at how different they were from DH.  It was a confusing experience to say the least.  I couldn't believe that my DH was one of their offspring.

 

Anyway, we eventually moved closer to them -- 12 hours driving distance.  MIL visited a few times and it was weird.  She always brought all this food with her.

 

Ugh.  So now we live 20 mins. from MIL.  When we were house hunting she actually wanted us to look at a house around the corner from her.  We did.  It was laughable.  Quite the dump.  I couldn't believe that she thought we would actually consider living in a place like that -- including the location --  and raise a family there.  It was a selfish move coming from her -- to get DH as close as possible.  I am so glad that he sided with me that we not live in the same city as her.  Or, our marriage would have been finished before the moving trucks rolled up.

 

Things were ok for a number of years.....because FIL was alive.  He passed away a few years ago and now the entire situation has changed.  MIL needs help with everything.  She has excuses for everything, too.  DH sees her just about every week.  Every freaking Saturday morning DH asks what we have going on that day.  Duh, the same activities as usual.  He then calls his Mom to check in on her because apparently from the  moment he wakes up, she's on his mind.  I AM SICK OF IT.  I have come to loathe weekends now because I always know there is the possibility that we will have to visit her -- or DH will visit her....which means our family time is cut short.

 

SO, yes, I am beginning to resent MIL.  And, sometimes I resent DH for behaving the way he does.  He has changed a lot from when I first met him.  I must have been confused when we got married....because I thought we were a unit.  I thought that our little family of 4 came first.  But, it doesn't anymore. 

 

Obviously I sleep next to my DH every night.....but, it doesn't feel the same as it used to.  I don't feel like the #1 lady in his life. 

post #186 of 192
I despise my mother in law. She's an extremely damaging and manipulative person. When my son was around 2 weeks old we were talking about breast feeding and she told me that ever since he was born her nipples had been tingling. She orders food for my kids at restaurants without acknowledging me. She talks down at me/barks at me in a really aggressive way when we are alone in the room and then someone will walk in and she will immediately switch over to this sweet and friendly voice. She plays favorites with my kids (the child she had the urge to breast feed is the favorite). She has very effectively turned my husbands family against me (all they see is my sulky demeanor once she has offended me but they will never see the source of it because she's so good at hiding her malice). She punishes me for making everyday mothering decisions for my children. (Ie: if she wants me to wake the baby and I say no there will be consequences). She openly stands against me when I am interacting with my kids every single time I talk to my kids. It's such a consistent problem that I just try not to talk to my kids around her so that they aren't constantly hearing someone tear me down in their presence. And she said that I don't appreciate my children RIGHT IN FRONT of my son. Beyond forgivable! My every waking hour revolves around the welfare of my children. greensad.gif And now she is working on befriending my aunt in doubt to start to turn my own family against me. I'm just so tired of all of the effort it takes to be around her. The worst part is that my husband feels "caught in the middle" despite years of therapy. At this point, she has been so malicious and we have gone to enough therapy that if he still feels this way, he really doesn't know what team he's on. This is a big problem. I hate that she is able to drive such a large wedge in what should be a very happy marriage.
post #187 of 192
I really really despise and can't stand my MIL. I really can't stand her meddling and constant neediness. She has her own husband who she berates and thinks her son is a godsend and raised him to be a perfect husband that she didn't have....and now she does sly things to belittle me. This is affecting my marriage with my husband. I can not stand him for not putting his foot down. It's pissing me off and I don't even want to stay in the same room with him. We've been avoiding each other for 3 days now. I am very upset and wish she would go very far far away but even so, she would still constantly call my husband.

I am so very glad to find that I'm not alone. What is with DIL and MIL...no matter from what culture or heritage, there is conflict?
post #188 of 192
Quote:
Originally Posted by A&A View Post

You know, I did hate her, passionately, until I realized that my big problem was feeling like dh wasn't on my "team." He saw himself as more "in the middle" of his mom and me.


Once he finally moved over to team "us," then my problems with her have minimized themselves because he sticks up for me.



Dh's grandma told me that dh's mom used to say to him when he was little, "I won't love you anymore if you don't ..........." (fill in the blank with her demand of the day.) I hate her every time I think about that, for sure.

How did you get him to Team "Us"?
post #189 of 192
Quote:
Originally Posted by Georgetown HB Mom View Post

I can not stand my mother in law. The feeling is probably mutual. If she fell off the face of the earth tomorrow I would secretly be happy about it. I have been married for 15 years and have never gotten along with her. She and I are completely different. I do not think she was a very good mother and I do not think she is a good grand-mother. Luckily I only have to see her once or twice a year. But it still makes my skin crawl when she calls my husband or the kids mention "Grandma." She actually told me once that I am accepted only because I am her son's wife and so they know they have to put up with me. She also told me one time recently that she would love nothing more than to have a close relationship with her son (my DH) and his children. UMMM... hello they are my children too and I feel like if you want to have a close relationship with my children then you better try and have a relationship with me too.

Anyone else truly despise their mother-in-law?


Lisa
I feel all your pain, my mil is like a bad hemorrhoid that won't go away. For ten years I've been putting up with her BS and watching her treat my wife like a slave. If you do things the way she or some dead relative did it she gets all bent even if the results are the same. She likes to tell you what to doo if you are sick. Her remedies are nothing but ancient Chinese voodoo. I can find any medical evidence that these treatments have any medical value. She can't throw things away! She wages and reuses paper towels, paper plates, Sheran wrap and the list goes on. We can't do anything on the weekends cause she makes the wife drive her around. We can't go out for dinner without her grumbling. A home is where you want to be and relax. It feels more like prison and I can't wait to get the hell out of there. I volunteered to work the weekends so I don't have to be at the house. In sorry, but when she dies I'll be the first in line to say Goodbye!
post #190 of 192
Quote:
Originally Posted by beingdiana View Post


How did you get him to Team "Us"?

 

 

Good question.  He really had to move over on his own. I wish I had better answers for you, sorry.  I feel your pain. 

 

It also helped me to think of dh as the little boy she messed up in the first place, and he is still constantly seeking her approval and love.  I understand the dynamics better when I think of it that way (then I can just be mad at her and not dh)

post #191 of 192

A&A -- I feel exactly the same way as you.  I have learned not only more about myself in my last several months of individual therapy, but about my dh.  He has been groomed his entire life to be the golden child.  He has no idea that this is his flaw.  It is something -- if ever -- that he will need to figure out on his own.  He is refusing therapy with me.....maybe because he does know and is afraid of how it will change things.  I often wonder what our lives as a married couple will be like after MIL is gone?

post #192 of 192
My husband was also groomed to believe he is the golden child. That's a really great way to describe it. I think that mothers that do this to their children really believe that they are superior mothers and that they are building confidence. How ironic that the exact opposite is true. It will never benefit anyone to grow up believing that they are flawless, that they can do no wrong, and that any conflict in a relationship must be the other persons fault. It will only lead to issues in relationships of all kinds and a lack of confidence anytime life doesn't work out as planned. My MIL's constant need to bail her children out of every situation and blame other parties for any misbehavior led both of her children down bad paths. Her daughter almost went to prison for life and to this day, MIL will tell you how it was someone else's fault. So destructive. If her son had not encountered me, he could have easily gone the same way (he has said this to me a few times). As aweful as all of this has been, I brings me joy to know that where she has failed miserably, I have not. I think that's why she hates me so much.
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