Anyone truly hate their mother in law? - Page 2

[rush2ady]

For the ladies whose MIL lives with them, how do you handle it? 

I live with my MIL.   Since I work from home, I'm pretty much stuck with her all day long.  We live in a 1 BR apartment with a loft.  The "den" has become her bedroom.

Some days when I'm tired or stressed out, she really gets on my nerves.  Other days I just go about my business, and have limited moments of annoyance regarding her.

My husband is Indian, and I'm American.  So far, having her live with us is one of the few things that's come up in terms of culture clash.  I'm getting worried though.

Edited by rush2ady - 5/2/11 at 2:28pm

[zebu]

Yep, I hate my MIL.  Until recently, I've felt only pity or compassion, at times, and given her the benefit of the doubt due to her mental illness.  But as I've learned more and more about her and the things she has done, the pity has turned to disgust, then disgust to hate.  What she's done goes way beyond mental illness.  Mental illness does not make a person evil and my MIL is evil.

ETA: oops, i didn't realize this was such an old thread.  I hope it isn't too late to commiserate ;)

[lilmom]

I don't like to use the word hate, but yeah, pretty much.  Count me in. I could recount the things she has done to me personally, to my DH, and even to precious DS, but it would take sooo long, and it would just upset me too much.

But I will say this. She's the most selfish, controlling, truly cruel person I have ever met. If the world is not revolving around her, she is unbearable. If it is revolving around her though, she is also unbearable, just in a different way.

I think the kicker has been how she has treated my son. She only likes girls. Therefore her son, my DH, suffered throughout his childhood, and now DS suffers if he has to be around her, especially if her other grandchild (a girl) is there.

It makes me really sad that she is my MIL. I always hoped to have a really good relationship with my MIL. I tried really hard. But the first time I met her she accused me of being a golddigger, despite the fact that I made more than DH at the time (She didn't know that). Then when I got pregnant with DS, she asked me if I knew what birth control was. (we were married and i was 31 years old. Come on.) There have been so many things. I can't even talk about it anymore..

I'm glad I'm not alone but sad y'all are in the same boat. Good luck everybody.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by Gentle~Mommy :) 

Thankfully, my MIL lives in another country

You are so lucky!

I am able to keep mine several states away.

[rush2ady]

Thanks ladies for sharing your feelings!  It helps to feel not alone. 

To be fair, my MIL is in part a product of her culture.  But I've met other Indian women her age, and they are not all like she is.  But she uses her culture as an excuse to behave like she's on permanent vacation now that she's retired...if that makes sense.

I went through a "lets get to know each other" phase, encouraged by my husband, and the result was I was more upset with her and her views on life.

I bumped up this thread hoping someone has suggestions on coping mechanisms they can share with me.  I am not by nature a hateful person, and I tried to like her, I really have, but I just don't have any admiration for her.  But she lives with us right now...so, how to cope?  While she's not a deliberately evil malicious person, she is deeply insecure and does not hesitate to cause me harm if it was something she could benefit from (by telling gossip to relatives about our private family life), or redirect any anger towards her onto me.  For example, if my husband tells her he doesn't like something she did, she will immediately say "well your wife did such and such" and try to cause friction between us instead.

Currently, my coping strategy is limited interaction, but it is totally failing in that it's forcing me to be even more reserved and introverted than normal. 

Advice anyone??

Edited by rush2ady - 5/2/11 at 2:32pm

[texmati]

subbing before I even read the responses!

[aynekal]

Originally Posted by A&A 

You know, I did hate her, passionately, until I realized that my big problem was feeling like dh wasn't on my "team." He saw himself as more "in the middle" of his mom and me.

Once he finally moved over to team "us," then my problems with her have minimized themselves because he sticks up for me.


Dh's grandma told me that dh's mom used to say to him when he was little, "I won't love you anymore if you don't ..........." (fill in the blank with her demand of the day.) I hate her every time I think about that, for sure.

I'm standing up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Just the mere mention of her name is nauseating!!!  AND it is for the VERY reason that my DH ALWAYS sides with her NO MATTER HOW wrong she is and it DRIVES me CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When it comes to her he has NEVER been team us and it pisses me off to no end....AND because she knows this she uses it to her advantage like you wouldn't believe.  I am SO glad that I am NOT alone in this!!!

[texmati]

Oh my! I just realized that this was an older thread, that I already had responded to (quite bitterly, I might add).

Rush2ady, triple hugs! I don't know if it was my post that you were refering to, but we certainly have a lot in common. A condensed intro; just so you know where I"m coming from:

I'm texmati, and I'm 28. I'm a second gen Indian, condsider myself indian ethnically, but I was born and raised in the US.  I got married 4 years a go to my college sweetheart, who really is a sweetheart, after dating him for 5 years. He immigrated from india with his family when he was 15, but due to finances and college etc did not live with them here in the us until a few months before our marriage when FIL passed away, leaving us with the responsibility of MIL.
 

Originally Posted by rush2ady 

For the ladies whose MIL lives with them, how do you handle it? 

I live with my MIL.   Since I work from home, I'm pretty much stuck with her all day long.  We live in a 1 BR apartment with a loft.  The "den" has become her bedroom.

Some days when I'm tired or stressed out, she really gets on my nerves.  Other days I just go about my business, and have limited moments of annoyance regarding her.

A lot of my problem I think stems from two women trying to control the house. 

As for your questions on how to handle it.... I didn't /wasn't able to. You can search under my username for some of my past threads... things got pretty bad, I ended up in counselling, but a few months ago she moved in with her sister temporarily. I feel horrible about this, but at the same time I feel like I can breathe in our house again.

Specific advice? Figure out with BIL/SIL/DH what is going to be the long term plan for your marriage. As I mentioned upthread, I'm SA, so I understand the responsiblity of taking care of your parents. At the same time, there *are* variations in how you get the task done. Both sets of my grandparents live seperately from their kids for part of the year. If the expectation is that you all will be trading off years or something-- a one-bedroom is not going to work for you.

Secondly, I think my biggest mistake was not talking to her, or finding solutions for the every day issues. All of a sudden I was living 24/7 with this woman who I couldn't even talk to. Eventually I stopped talking to her altogether, not hi, bye nothing. Even now, months after she's moved out, I am physically reupulsed by talking to her on the phone. I lost all my compassion for her, and I hated her, and to this day, I"m not really sure she understands why.

I wish I had better advice for you-- this is still something that I struggle with so much. I wish I had answers, but I've polled so many people, Indian, non indian, on mdc.... no one has a clear cut easy solution for this problem.

[texmati]

I was just re-reading your posts, and i had to say that the gossiping was the straw that broke the camels back. I don't know what it is, or why people feel that it's acceptable to do that to their DIL's.

How is your relationship with your dh through all of this?

[dakotablue]

Both of these below are so true. I don't hate MIL, but I can say I don't like her as a person at all. I don't understand how someone could be so so self centered. We can now tolerate, I think with time it will get better. I think now I mostly just feel sorry for her. She is missing out on a lot of great things behaving the way she has and in the process lost a lot of Dh's respect.

Two things that helped me, the book boundaries. It helped me let go of angry and focus on the practical end of what we won't put up with because its dangerous or wrong. Taking out the emotional "I want to rip your face off if you so much as touch my child" helped a LOT.

The second is one of the below quotes. Once Dh was actually standing on my side, not teetering hating being in the middle but standing up next to me and guarding me and showed MIL this I felt so much better. So much of my angry towards her was that I felt helpless standing alone trying to defend myself while Dh wrung his hands wishing it would all just go away. Him finally admitting the truth (her doing things to spite me as I was the one whole controlled DS's exposure/ I am DS mom not her) and saying he saw it and wouldn't put up with it was like a HUGE weight off of me, which was even better when he spoke to her about it.

I don't like her as a person any more than I would if she weren't Dh's mom. I also blame her for alot of Dh's issues (caused by her selfishness) BUT I do see that I want her in Ds's life....as long as I can be there and control danger and stupidity....Oh and forgiving her does not mean I trust her either.

Originally Posted by Rowansmama .

Unlike some other posters, I don't believe she's truly evil. She's just extrememely self absorbed and if the world doesn't revolve around her, she makes everyone else miserable. I can't stand to be around her and her drama.
 

Originally Posted by A&A 

You know, I did hate her, passionately, until I realized that my big problem was feeling like dh wasn't on my "team." He saw himself as more "in the middle" of his mom and me.

Once he finally moved over to team "us," then my problems with her have minimized themselves because he sticks up for me.
 

[rush2ady]

Hi Texmati, I had seen a couple of your posts from 2 years ago, and was hoping you would reply... I'm glad you have a small break where you can re-assess the situation and have some breathing room.

As for DH, that is part of my turmoil.  With his job, we have limited time together, and he feels guilty to go out as a couple and not take MIL.  He is a sweet guy, and I think a lot of my annoyance with MIL is that I no longer have the couple time with him, or the spontaneity and loving looks, conversations, and expressions that used to happen between us.  I have tried to explain to him that I need couple time...which he's compromised on a bit by just me and him going on errands, like groceries or post office or some such thing.  Not exactly a date, but at least we get a few minutes together.

I'll read that book, Dakotablue.  I need help to set boundaries.

The real problem is my own weakness in not standing up for myself in the face of things.  Not knowing how to cultivate a healthy rather than toxic relationship.  And yes Texmati, I get your point about MIL having no clue why there is resentment on your part!  I can see from my MIL's perspective all she is doing is minding her own business.  It's me, not her, that cares about the mess she leaves in the kitchen. 

Edited by rush2ady - 5/2/11 at 2:36pm

[mamalisa]

Originally Posted by philomom 

Mine cried so hard at the wedding that folks asked me about it for years.

Been married 22 years this May.

Mine sobbed all day long.  Every single picture of her looks like hell.  Puffy and red, just awful.  It's almost funny now, but at the time it was so over the top and ridiculous.  I get that she was sad her boy was growing up, but get a grip.  14 years next week :)

 

I don't hate her though.  Mostly I find her pathetic and sad.  We're almost exact opposite people and that is enough to make us not like each other.  Add in the fact that she's a horrible selfish mother (something I have no patience for) and there's just no chance we'd ever be friends.  

[JacqNS]

Count me in! She's a manipulative, controlling, hovering, boundary-crossing, exceptionally needy person and it drives me to madness.  

[Lisa1970]

My MIL is evil evil evil. Ever since I met dh, which was 17.5 yrs ago, she makes up lies, spreads gossip, does all sorts of nasty things, anything, to try to tear us down and separate us. She is evil evil evil evil. There is nothing else about her but evil. I hate her. I used to try to find some good from her. I used to think if only she could see how nice I am, how good I am to DH, what a good mother I am, etc....Nope, none of it mattered. I finally had to go to therapy and I read self help books on toxic inlaws and finally had to accept that her evil nasty trashy evil evilness was from inside of her and I did not cause it and I cannot fix it. There is nothing good about my MIL. 

We rarely see her now. When we do, she complains about me, our children, or something. She makes up flat out lies. Lies in the past have ranged from bigger stuff, like trying to tell me that my husband was having an affair, trying to tell my husband that she caught me having an affair (she was very manipulative about it where it would have been convincing if it were not for the fact that I knew what a piece of trash she was), ordering stuff on her credit cards and having them delivered to my house and then trying to press charges against me for credit card theft, inviting me over to visit but calling the police when I arrived and claiming I was there to hurt her, trying to get my dh to disappear with my children, etc etc....to the smaller things, like complaining that my children do nothing but sit on their cell phones texting friends and talking on their phones the entire time they are supposed to be visiting her (we had dinner with her out the other day) when my children do not even own cell phones, had no handheld games, nothing like that. It goes on and on and on.

[rush2ady]

Lies in the past have ranged from bigger stuff, like trying to tell me that my husband was having an affair, trying to tell my husband that she caught me having an affair (she was very manipulative about it where it would have been convincing if it were not for the fact that I knew what a piece of trash she was), ordering stuff on her credit cards and having them delivered to my house and then trying to press charges against me for credit card theft, inviting me over to visit but calling the police when I arrived and claiming I was there to hurt her, trying to get my dh to disappear with my children, etc etc....

Wow that's intense stuff.  Sorry to hear that. kinda makes me feel a bit better about my MIL though.  More than anything she's a mindless woman lost in her own drama---not deliberately evil, even though she does hurtful things---but nothing like what you have gone through!  whew!

[mamalisa]

Rush2ady, you sort of summed up my MIL.  "Lost in her own drama" sort of fits.  Everything is about her and how if affects her, even when it has nothing to do with her really.  We announced that I was pg with ds, she said, "I'm too young to be a grandma".  Um?  You had a kid at 19, your 26 year old having a baby isn't "too young".  The ridiculous attention whoring she pulled when ds was born was so over the top you wouldn't believe it.  We announced we  were moving, she sobbed, even though she never came to visit and it was an amazing opportunity for dh's career.  Instead of being proud of dh, it was all about how she wouldn't see ds.  Who she never saw anyway.  

I should be taking notes so I don't act like a complete freak when my kids get married.

[FloridaBorn]

rush2ady, I can't begin to imagine living with my MIL.  Having her around the block is difficult enough.   PLUS my own mother is right next door to my MIL.  My mom invited my MIL to rent the house next door when it became available... and it's been nonstop drama and bitchiness ever since.  

Anyway, rush2ady, I'd bet you anything that your MIL is just as miserable (if not MORE because she's living in a foreign country) as you are.  The two of you need to find some commonality where you're living and perhaps seeking out a local Indian/Hindu cultural center might be just the thing.  She really needs to feel like she's a part of something familiar... that's why all the gossip about everybody.  She needs to get out of the house (and so do you! and/or get your work done when you're at home!) so she's got something else to fill her time.  She's acting vindictively because she feels like she's a third wheel -- and she is.

Cultural aspects aside, you may have to tell your husband, "This isn't working; she's got to go!"  When will it get to that point, do you think?

[gbailey]

Count me in. I don't like to use the word hate but yes, I detest my mother in law. I don't like her as a person. I can't find one redeeming quality about her unless making good beef stew is a good quality to have. She's an unhappy,  bitter and manipulative woman who is threatened by the happiness of her children. As a human being, I don't like her. I think she's a horrible parent who did her best to make her children think the worst of their father in order to feel loved. She's a liar, a bad mother and a seriously bootlegged grandmother. She puts her needs before everyone else's especially those of her children. I also think she's pathetic. She's quick to talk about her poorly my father in law treated her but is still pining away from him even though he's been married TWICE since they divorced over 20 YEARS AGO!

She made her children believe for years she was not divorced from their father.She lied and told them she never signed divorce papers. She enables her daughter to do absolutely nothing with her life because she wants her daughter to be her caretaker. She manipulates her children with illnesses that are made up and has turned nearly her entire family against her own son. She uses people for what she can get out of them.

She lives in another state and even though I only have to see her once or twice a year, the very thought of making a trip down there makes me sick. The sound of her voice grates my nerves. I don't want my daughter left alone with her. I don't trust her.

Being cordial to her is the equivalent of me running 5 miles in five minutes. 60 seconds on the telephone with her leaves me exhausted so I just won't do it anymore. She tries to make everything positive in her sons life about her! My anger towards her is so intense I think my DD may have picked up on it even though I don't speak negatively about her in DD's presence. When DH puts MIL on the phone to talk to her DD is always silent and can't bebothered yet she talks to anyone else who calls. 

Wow...it felt good unleashing those feelings on my husbands mother.Oh, I feel bad that my husband has a mother like that. DH is a wonderfully kind and well adjusted man in spite of that black hole he grew up with.

[Coco_Hikes]

Originally Posted by A&A 

Dh's grandma told me that dh's mom used to say to him when he was little, "I won't love you anymore if you don't ..........." (fill in the blank with her demand of the day.) I hate her every time I think about that, for sure.

 I despise this kind of manipulation of small children . . . who then grow into adults who wonder how easily love can be taken away from them. My ILs started to play a manipulation game slightly related to this when DD was smaller: "Nana (or Papa) is so sad you won't give me a hug/kiss." And s/he would carry on several times to my DD who is not a hugger or kisser. We put the kabosh on this behavior quickly.

I feel for all you mamas with terrible MILs. Mine is not the best, but clearly not the worst either.

[rush2ady]

"Nana (or Papa) is so sad you won't give me a hug/kiss." And s/he would carry on several times to my DD who is not a hugger or kisser. We put the kabosh on this behavior quickly.

How did you address this problem?  Part of my issue is I don't know how to stand up for myself in a clear, yet kind way.  What did you say to them, how did you handle it?