Anyone truly hate their mother in law? - Page 3

[Mittsy]

Yep, I can't stand mine, or any of the in-laws really, mainly for what they do to DH. DH has just gotten into contact with his family in the last few years, because he was raised by his grandma(and she disowned him when he married me). Anyway, they expressed a half-hearted wish to get to know us, and most of them don't have contact with us because we're "too different from us", and MIL pretty much took their side and almost never contacts us even when we lived in the same city. Apparently we're not as important as the rest of the family, whom she sees almost daily, while our birthdays/holidays/special occasions have been ignored, playdates are made and broken at her whim, and babysitting or together time with us is just too much inconvenience for them.

[peainthepod]

I just wanted to send a hug to all the mamas with rotten MILs and ILs. It can't be easy.

[mystiquesmom]

Originally Posted by aynekal 

Originally Posted by A&A 

You know, I did hate her, passionately, until I realized that my big problem was feeling like dh wasn't on my "team." He saw himself as more "in the middle" of his mom and me.

Once he finally moved over to team "us," then my problems with her have minimized themselves because he sticks up for me.


Dh's grandma told me that dh's mom used to say to him when he was little, "I won't love you anymore if you don't ..........." (fill in the blank with her demand of the day.) I hate her every time I think about that, for sure.

I'm standing up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Just the mere mention of her name is nauseating!!!  AND it is for the VERY reason that my DH ALWAYS sides with her NO MATTER HOW wrong she is and it DRIVES me CRAZY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When it comes to her he has NEVER been team us and it pisses me off to no end....AND because she knows this she uses it to her advantage like you wouldn't believe.  I am SO glad that I am NOT alone in this!!!

It's the same way over here as well:(.  No matter how nasty MIL was to me, H would either make excuses or complain that he felt stuck in the middle.  So she could get away with swearing at me or calling me stupid.  Now, I just sit there and try not to talk as much as possible, so we won't fight and H won't have anything to complain about.

I don't hate MIL, but I really dislike her.  Other than, as previously mentioned, the name calling and profane comments about me in the past, most recently, she's been faking health problems.  A few months ago, she said that she broke her ribs and nose taking out the garbage, but when we visited her a few weeks later, she was fine.  Most recently, a few weeks ago, she said she fell and hurt her head, and at the hospital, she said that the x-rays showed a possible brain tumour, and a specialist arranged a CAT scan.  However, when BIL took her for the appointment, there was no injury to her head and the CAT scan had been arranged by her family doctor.  I normally wouldn't care too much, but right now, my own father is terminally ill with cancer, so I don't take too kindly by people faking possible scares right now(yes, the scan turned up that she was fine).  That, along with the alcoholism, guilt trips, and never bothering to come visit us even when she comes to town so that are the only ones making the effort to visit, makes it a very unpleasant time for me. :(
 

[A&A]

Since this is a "complain about MIL" thread, I'll just mention that I have asked her for YEARS upon YEARS to not drench herself in perfume before visiting us because it gives me a headache.  But of course, she showed up yesterday as stinkily-perfumed as ever.  She obviously doesn't care.  And dh doesn't care, either, because he told me to "suck it up."  I sat as far away from her as possible. 

[Sol_y_Paz]

I like mine a lot.

[MariaMadly]

To be honest, the one who's infuriated me most has been DH.  Once he saw his parents' anger, self-absorption, and efforts to manipulate those around them, things improved here in our nuclear family.  Now, in fact, the hard part is being around *him* when MIL is here, because he has a hard time detaching . . . understandable, of course . . . took me years to get to "pass the bean dip" with her, and I never had to look to her as a child needing love and care.  So my feelings towards MIL have become a lot more distant.  I'm way more critical of her as a grandmother to my boys than as a MIL (compartmentalize, anyone?) but am trying to be part of a healthy way to carry all that, too.

What really gets to me is when my own mother veers wildly between running MIL down harshly for the things she says and does, and then insisting, oh so earnestly, that I have an obligation to include her in gatherings.  She stopped doing that when I told her she could have one or the other, but needed to pick before I picked for her.  I get so sick of feeling as though I'm the one who has to be the adult in these equations.  I mean, sick of feeling like the only adult.  The only thing worse is having to be a child around people who behave like this.

[Sunflower223]

I love my MIL, although she does a lot of things that irritate me, she is a good person compared to a lot of people in our families.  My FIL is my problem.  He definitely makes my skin crawl at times.  He lives with us at the moment and though I rarely see him the few times I do are usually frustrating.  He has a lot of major issues.  He drinks too much, he lives in an alternate universe, he is very condescending towards me.  I am not even going to get into all his insanity.  The one time we tried to do something as a family here he popped my son for something completely ridiculous, not to mention the fact that he had no business touching my kid. He treats my husband completely different from all his other children.  He does things for the other kids but always wants, wants, wants from us.  He clearly has a favorite child and a least favorite child and my dh happens to be the least favorite.  I definitely can see how a spouse's childhood affects the family that they have created.  DH and I struggle with this.  It angers me that he had such a crappy childhood, mostly because of his dad.  I hate the way it has come back to affect our children.  It's just sad.

[SashaBreeze]

Originally Posted by MariaMadly 

Wow, I feel like I'm in "Finding Your Tribe."

Count me seriously in.

The list goes on and on but to sum it up quickly during my VERY difficult twin pregnancy she loved to tell people "please pray for my son he is having a very hard time this pregnancy."

[texmati]

lol!!!!

Originally Posted by SashaBreeze 

The list goes on and on but to sum it up quickly during my VERY difficult twin pregnancy she loved to tell people "please pray for my son he is having a very hard time this pregnancy."

[mama2myangels07]

My partner's mom isn't too bad, since she leaves us alone for the most part, but she screwed DP over so I don't really like her. My ex mil screwed up with ex and tries to tell me what to do with my oldest. I've wanted to tell her over and over that I pushed him out, she's not on the BC so stuff it!

[fierrbugg]

Well this is me too.  I have in the past hated my mil, but now I'm just really indifferent.  It use to burn me to no end that she 'forgot' my b-day for at least five years running - and then blamed dh for . . . . . not telling her I had a birthday?    Or that less than a year after my first mc she insisted that we should be getting pg, started buying baby toys, bought a new car that was 'safe for my grandbabies' - because dh had hit that magical age when he was 'allowed' to father a child - since mil was now 'old enough' to be a grandma.  But really my biggest issue with her is her self-centeredness, manipulations, drama and just plain meanness  - she really did a number on dh.  He got the message loud and clear that he wasn't worth her time and would never be good enough.  In fact she's still pretty adept at letting her only child know that whenever we see her, which is why we limit contact.  Needless to say - that inherent belief of dh's has led to a rollercoaster of crap throughout our nearly 10 year marriage as dh has dealt with that legacy - sometimes badly.  Plus mil is a moral train-wreck having had an affair with the same married man for over 30 years - and several others throughout the years.  She left dh's 'abusive' father when he was a baby - and who knows maybe he *was* abusive - but dh never found out, because the longterm married boyfriend ran the father away when dh was a baby - granted no boyfriend could keep ME away from my kid - but whatever.  At any rate, mil is great at manipulating circumstances to make herself look like an innocent bystander, blames me for the fact that dh is not catering to her every whim and it's been a fun ride.  Thankfully we live far enough away from her we only have to see her about once a month when we can fit her into our schedule (if we don't at least do this - she tends to have 'emergencies' that require us to drop everything and drive her to the ER or meet her there).  It's sad when you get to the point of fighting with your dh because his mother is being a drama queen and you don't want to waste the gas and time on sitting with her in the ER - when you know it NEVER amounts to anything but attention for her.  The once a month thing was our compromise so we didn't have to deal with the 10pm Sunday night emotional black-mail phone calls anymore.  She doesn't like to drive the 30 miles to our house - because she's afraid of being out in public alone . . . . which is a 'fear' she only has when it suits her.  We have to go pick her up and then do whatever - normally take her out to lunch.  She has been trying to get us to buy a house with a mil cottage for the entirity of our marriage - and we have told her in no uncertain terms that we will not ever be living with her - but she still tries and still gets upset when we politely change the subject or finally tell her it's just not going to happen after much badgering.  We lived next door to her for the first 2 years of or marriage and dealing with her neediness and drama every day nearly did us in. 

So, that's my mil.

[texmati]

Rush2ady, how are you doing lately?

[rush2ady]

Originally Posted by FloridaBorn 

Anyway, rush2ady, I'd bet you anything that your MIL is just as miserable (if not MORE because she's living in a foreign country) as you are.  The two of you need to find some commonality where you're living and perhaps seeking out a local Indian/Hindu cultural center might be just the thing.  She really needs to feel like she's a part of something familiar... that's why all the gossip about everybody.  She needs to get out of the house (and so do you! and/or get your work done when you're at home!) so she's got something else to fill her time.  She's acting vindictively because she feels like she's a third wheel -- and she is.

Cultural aspects aside, you may have to tell your husband, "This isn't working; she's got to go!"  When will it get to that point, do you think?

I've been thinking about your reply.

I had encouraged her to give some thought (and gave suggestions) on what she might like to do here.  After a while, when I realized it was only coming from me, I stopped mentioning it.  She doesn't have the ambition or motivation to turn off the tv and actually do something on her own initiative.  Other than yarn and embroidery supplies, she makes no requests for anything else to do.  It has taken me awhile to accept her lack of desire to do anything, and just let it be.  It's very opposite of me, I would die of boredom if I lived as she is, so maybe I was imposing my own discomfort on her in encouraging her to do other things.

As for "she's got to go" it's tricky.  In the US, we are so independent, and even our older generation is expected to maintain some independence, as long as they are in good health and capable.  Her generation in India lived their lives expecting when they are older and their children married, they would always live in the homes of their children.

Currently, there's a subtle hostility going on in my home.  If it became an openly hostile situation, and she was to indulge in her screaming rages here, as she did in India, that would make me say, "she can't stay". 

Edited by rush2ady - 5/2/11 at 2:40pm

[texmati]

Originally Posted by rush2ady 
As for "she's got to go" it's tricky.  I don't see where she would possibly go?  In the US, we are so independent, and even our older generation is expected to maintain some independence, as long as they are in good health and capable.  Her generation in India lived their lives expecting when they are older and their children married, they would always live in the homes of their children.  She does not have the mentality or skills to live on her own.  As for sending her back to India to BIL/SIL, they have lived for a long time with her, and it's our turn now to have her with us.  At the moment, I tolerate it, but don't enjoy the situation.

Currently, there's a subtle hostility going on in my home.  If it became an openly hostile situation, and she was to indulge in her screaming rages here, as she did in India, that would make me say, "she can't stay". 

So far she is too scared of me to do anything but talk behind my back!

Rush2ady-- I feel as though I could have written your posts (and I think I did) just a few years ago. Feeling stuck, feeling sad for your MIL etc.

I remember feeling so stuck, and that there was no way out. It seemed like an impossible situation. MIL was perfectly content to sit on our couch for the next 40 years and never give us an ounce of consideration or privacy. I doubt very much that she was given either in her marriage when she was our age. I literally got to the point where I was having suicidal thoughts because I could not see a way out of this for the next 40 years. And I couldn't face that this was the rest of my life. 

It doesn't sound like you are at all at that point-- I just wanted to point out that you do have options; if ever you are ready to explore them. MIL has been out of my home for maybe 6 mos now.... I feel like I can breathe for the first time in my marriage. i look back at how depression and just crazyness snuck up on me, and I just offer you some support. :hugs.

I see that you are new jersey-- I think there is a strong indian community there. MIL did get involved with the local temple, and people would pick her up on sundays to go to temple at that time. It was so nice for her to get out of the house. What would your husband think of her getting a job? There are places in the community where she could work. If she is going to stay with you long term, you could consider building a home with a basement apartment, or buying two homes and getting a roommate for her. Basically, you can create a livable situation where you have some privacy. Start having discussions with your husband now, because it's very difficult to change the status quo once it's already been established.

[rush2ady]

Originally Posted by texmati 

Rush2ady, how are you doing lately?

Hi Texmati, I didn't see your post til after I wrote the above one!

I'm doing so-so.  I'm not used to the constant undercurrent of tension in my home.  It wears on me, and I can see it's effecting me, but I'm trying to go about my work and ignore it.

Sorry to hijack this thread ladies :)  My relationship with MIL is a little complex....

Edited by rush2ady - 5/2/11 at 2:42pm

[rush2ady]

Thanks Texmati for your post,

it really helps!  I'm glad you suggested other options, I hadn't considered before, now I have to find ways to delicately bring them up to my husband.  I certainly don't want this to go on like this for years... however did you survive!  I'm sooo glad for you that you finally have some breathing space and opportunity to find yourself again.

[SashaBreeze]

Originally Posted by rush2ady 

Sorry to hijack this thread ladies :)  My relationship with MIL is a little complex....

You actually have to share a home with your MIL, a reality that I can not bring myself to even think about. 

Hijack away, you need and deserve it.

[homewithtwinsmama]

I would leave.  And the next time dh wanted to be with me I would tell him to suck it up and deal with no, just like you did when you asked for his support with his mother.  Don't sit there, excuse yourself to Starbucks and tell her you are leaving because you don't want  headache from her perfume that you have asked her not to wear.  Lather rinse repeat every darn visit.  I really don't like my MIL and she really doesn't like me  because I don't put up with anything from her any more.  I tried to go along, but it just got worse.  Setting boundaries has made my life soooooo much better.

[homewithtwinsmama]

Well it sounds like you may have some untapped skills as an intuitive and that you have been warned.  I would say you need to find a separate but near type situation so she is not in your space.  A separate apartment or house near/next to.  It sounds like you absolutely must have it for your own wellbeing.  What amazes me is that Indian parents bring the kids to the US and think that they area going to keep their Indian parent keeping traditions.  Its just not done that way here and if you are culturally US, they have no one to blame but themselves!  I would kill myself or divorce my husband before I would ever live with my MIL. 

[minerva052]

I hate both my MIL and FIL, and can't understand how they managed to create the sweetest guy on earth. For the most part I'm totally happy with my marriage but every year smack in the middle of summer one or the other comes to visit from India. I would be completely ok with their visits if they came for 2 weeks but they come for 6 weeks, and its 6 weeks of hell, I feel my nerves stretched thin to the point of snapping. My MIL runs her mouth non-stop, petty gossipy things. After a long day at work hearing her whine and complain in her high-pitched voice makes me want to turn my fantasy of clobbering her with a frying pan into reality. We live in a 1 bedroom apartment so as you can imagine its impossible to shut her out. My FIL is egoistical and a racist, I've to bite my tongue to stop myself from saying anything when he starts his tirades about religion and politics and the "West". Also I am unable to let go of nastiness from 4 years ago during our wedding. He said some horrible thing about my parents and I just cannot see past it. 

I'm 7 months pregnant and they have insisted on visiting us for 4 months. Thinking about the 4 painful long months has started to supersede the excitement of having a baby girl in my arms. My mom can only come to visit me and help me out for 3 weeks before they descend upon me. I feel so trapped and helpless.