Afraid/Fear of Parent

[meemee]

I am trying to figure out if this is a natural part of childhood.

when you were younger were you afraid of your parent/s? i recall i was deathly afraid of my dad - not so much of my mom - but i was afraid of what they would do or think.

it surprised me to discover my dd 7 feels the same way. its just the two of us at home and we are very close. there are times she has told me she is afraid to tell me something. that she is afraid to let me know. afraid of my reaction. so she has talked about it later - and it was such a small thing.

i have told her no matter what i want to hear it first. and then she has to give me time to react. she has to let me scream or yell or do whatever i need to do to vent my stuff. so she said perhaps she can tell me and then run off to the other room while i vent. and that i said was acceptable. and then we would work towards a solution of what to do next in a calm manner. nothing that big has happened to us yet, but this is more to prepare for those surprise moments.

considering how close we are - and that today my 'discipline' as well as parenting too is talking which we do quite a bit (mostly philosophical and moral), considering that she feels comfortable to ask me and tell me anything - part of her is still afraid of me. i think that bothers me to some degree.

however i am wondering that perhaps that is a normal thing - that no matter what one is a little afraid of our parents. the factor of unknown perhaps?

so do you think the factor of fear is a normal thing between parent and child? that no matter how close you are, there is still some fear of your parents reactions as you tell them you are pregnant at 16 (for want of a better example)

[ann_of_loxley]

I think part of us - no matter if we are children or not - is afraid or someone (not just a parent) we see as bigger than us (in more than one way - not just the physical aspects). Part of this I think is just human nature (a little bit of species conditioning ...so the 'factor of fear' is normal - but NOT just between parent and child) - the other part could be part of our personalities/temperment. Like how it can be hard to approach someone and talk about your feelings for example (if thats your kind of personality - such as being 'shy')...its not that you are 'afraid' of them per se...it could be a number of things you are 'afraid' of about in such a situation (not feeling good enough, how you will come across, what they might think of you, how it will come out, etc ...things all part of your personality that they have not necissarily conditioned iykwim). Whilst maybe for another person - that could be a really easy no big thing (because they have a different personality and they find that kind stuff easy/are not shy at all/etc)!

The other side of fear when it comes to parent/child relationship I think is just caused - if for example you do use fear to 'discipline' (and it doesn't sound like you do!). Such as - I behave well because I am afraid of what my parents will do to me - or I don't bother to behave well because I am not longer afraid of what my parents can do to me. For me - this is a big reason we choose to parent the way we do (I remember as a child being afraid of my carers simply because of what they might do to me - would it be the paddle or belt this time? - perhaps just a slur of profanity? - or simply a 'time out in the 'naughty corner'?)....the world is a scary place for children (and even sometimes for us as adults! hehe) - we don't need to make it any more scary for them - espeically as the main adults/bigger person in their lives. We are here to guide our children. And in all honesty - even if I had better carers (perhaps a mother like you)...I would still be 'afraid' of certain things - not you as a person, but like coming to you and talking to you because 'shy' is part of my personitly and no one could help me 'come out of my shell' so to speak... that just came with time and experience in the world.

[meemee]

aaaaaaah ann that makes sense. not afraid of me as a person. but just fear. because. that is sooo my dd. she has anxiety and in most cases of the 'unknown' her first reaction is fear. oooh that makes complete sense.

and it isnt about me. i must remember not to take it so personally. its her coping with her own emotions. not me as a person. that makes total sense.

[JoanCrawford]

We all have an innate fear and distrust of authority, even if we need it to structure our lives.

[One_Girl]

I remember being afraid of my mom not approving of something when I did something really bad, but not actually afraid even though my mom did use a lot of physical punishment. I think the desire for approval from the important people in your life is normal and the fear that they will disapprove is also normal.

[Kyamo]

Originally Posted by One_Girl

I remember being afraid of my mom not approving of something when I did something really bad, but not actually afraid even though my mom did use a lot of physical punishment. I think the desire for approval from the important people in your life is normal and the fear that they will disapprove is also normal.

:

My parents never used physical punishment or anything to be scared of, but many times I would be afraid of them seeing or finding out about something I'd done (usually something not "bad" at all) because I was afraid they would disapprove.

[sapphire_chan]

I can't imagine my parents yelling and carrying on about something I brought to their attention. Things that they found out about on their own? Yes, then I would've expected them to flip-out.

Now, I'd still not tell them stuff, but that had to do with not wanting to admit to mistakes even to myself, not because of a fear of what they'd do/say.

[meemee]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

I can't imagine my parents yelling and carrying on about something I brought to their attention.

i am thinking about the future. my neice got pregnant in high school. harvard has already invited her on full scholarship AND living cost - so she was all set to go. instead she chose to drop out of college - so not take up the harvard offer AND move in with her 'loser' boyfriend. her dad lost it. he is not usually an yeller. in fact they were very very close. but he was v. insistent that she have an abortion and go to harvard.

so they separated and didnt start talking till 5 years later.

now hopefully i wont do the same. but i can totally relate to xbil behaving that way. it was out of love and concern for his daughter. yes he was wrong and lots of feelings hurt but i can see him reacting that way. neice went to college much later on yet her life didnt turn out as bad as her dad thought she would. she is not a poor struggling single mom but 10 years later she is happily married a second time (not the boyfriend) with two sons doing her own successful business that she enjoys and rolling in money.

it is because of that reason i warn my dd to give me the chance to burst -

[new2this]

I had a natural fear of my parents both in the punishment factor as well as just not wanting them to be disappointed in me. While my parents did use physical punishment they also used more creatative ways as in the punishment needs to fit the crime and age appropriate. So we had punishemnts that removed privlages, if I stomped up the stairs I had to walk the stairs till I learned how to do it right. And because I was stubborn I still stomped till I got sick of it. When I forged my parents signature and got caught I had to write an essay as to why it is wrong and show that I understood, slammed my bedroom door I lost my door. Now some of these were when I was in the preteen/teenage age but still even as a young child I knew there were consenquences to my actions. So in that sense I did have the fear of punishment. However my parents never made me feel like they weren't my safe place. So I believe I had that natural normal healthy fear.

now a fear about actual abuse is something entirely different and on a whole nother level.

But bottom line in my thinking is if you make sure your child knows you are their safe place and that yeah there are times you will be upset then that fear they have is normal and healthy.

[Storm Bride]

I can remember being afraid of my mom being disappointed in me, or letting her down. I don't remember ever being actually afraid of her, though.

I wasn't afraid of dad at all. He was awesome when I was a kid - very interactive and spent a lot of time with us and all that - but he didn't involve himself in any of the discipline side of parenting. If we did something wrong (even boneheadedly dangerous wrong, when we were teens), he just pretended not to notice, so he didn't have to deal with it. There was no issue of letting him down or being afraid, yk?

[ps4624]

I was afraid of disappointing my mom, but not afraid of her.

I was afraid of my dad, but had good reason. He was physically abusive.

[Belia]

I don't remember ever being physically punished as a child... maybe a swat on the bottom, but that's about it... but I was deathly afraid of my father.

I did not ever have the sense that he loved me unconditionally. I always "knew" that if I messed up enough or in the wrong way, it would be over. He wouldn't love me anymore. So I was afraid.

I still have that same feeling about my dad. The difference now is that I need his love less.

[lolar2]

Tangent, but why didn't the pregnant girl go to Harvard with the baby? Or just defer the admission a year?