How do I deal with this?

[Pineapple Head]

Im due Oct.4 this year with our first. I have my first midwives appt tomorrow(sooo excited!!!) we're also planning a home birth something that my husband supports me in fully as he knows that I've spent more than a year researching my options.

So last night DH tells his parents about going to the midwife and the home birth. We knew this wouldn't go over too well and that they would have questions. What I didn't expect was my MIL saying "Oh well theres time to change her mind." Which is also what she said when we told her that we weren't going to find out the gender. So I can already see a pattern forming. Everything she disagrees with she naturally just thinks I'm being silly and will of course change my mind. How do I let her know that I am happy to discuss my birth plans with her and answer any questions she might have but I do not want to be constantly told that I am going to change something that I've been set on since before I got pregnant?

[honeybee]

I would just let it roll off your back. If she asks you questions, then you can talk to her about if further. Otherwise, I'd ignore the comment. My own experiences with my MIL tell me it's no use trying to explain yourself. Then you'll just be accused of being "book smart but common sense stupid" , or some such thing.

My MIL said the same thing when we decided not to get an ultrasound and cloth diaper our first. The only way to "prove" you mean business is just to SHOW her with your actions over time. And if she's like my MIL, she'll still think you're a silly child making decisions for stupid reasons, but at least she'll know you follow through.

[ivymae]

I would make it a point not to discuss these things with her, and if she brings them up, make it clear that you have done your research and are very comfortable with your decision, and that if she can't be supportive, you are happy to talk about something else. You may feel/seem harsh in the moment, but it will make the boundary very clear, and keep you both from a lot of awkward moments in the future. Also, it's really important that your husband stand up for the choices you are making for your family, so she understands that you are a united team.

My inlaws (and my family, and work people, etc) all had snide comments about our choices the first time, but now that we are on our third, they've learned to just keep it to themselves.

[MacKinnon]

Welcome to the world of pregnancy, birth and parenthood! Everyone from your IL's to the store clerk will have advice, an opinion, and just need to share it. It's hard to come up with the right way to let people know that you don't need their advice, and you are capable of making your own choices. We went through this with my IL's too. My MIL had an emergency c-section and was totally convinced that by birthing with a CNM we were risking our babies lives. We spent the whole pregnancy just kindly trying to explain our choice, but firmly state it wasn't up for discussion. My IL's weren't being meddling, they were truly worried, and we have a good relationship with them, so for us, it was important that they understood we were not taking an undo risk. With strangers, I learned to just smile and nod, or say, "we'll see!" or some other placating thing and not enter into a discussion. I wish you the best of luck in figuring out how to manage all the unwanted comments and feel strong in your decisions! Congrats on the new baby

[Pineapple Head]

Thanks ladies! For me it's mostly frustrating that I'm 32 and still get treated like I'm a silly little girl who knows nothing. I'm going to let it roll off my back for a while and if it becomes too much then have a polite word.

I know she comes from a generation where you don't question the doctor and just do as your told, she probably doesn't even know anything about birth choices these days.

I'll probably not tell her that we plan on using hypnobabies though!

[Tizzy]

Just don't discuss it.
We went through a lot of naysaying with our first and what do you know...
We stuck with the midwife choice, I still cloth diaper 2+ children later, we had a UC for our 2nd etc. I'm sure there were some things I said and thought that were silly to them that they were right about, but the things that were the most important to us we stuck with. And everyone is much more comfortable with us and our choices now

[finnegansmom]

Originally Posted by Tizzy

Just don't discuss it.

This.

Things that are not up for debate, like your birth plan, your child's circumcision status, vaccination schedule, breastfeeding schedule, cosleeping - none of those things are up for debate. So I don't even casually mention them. I won't lie per se, but since most of my family is totally mainstream, they assume what they want and that's fine by me.
My 3yo still sleeps in our bed. My family assumes he sleeps in his own bed. My 19 month old still nurses a few times a day and night and can't sleep without me. They assume he too is sleeping in his crib and is done breaastfeeding. I honestly don't care what my family thinks about my choices, it won't change the way I feel about them so it's a win win. They don't feel the need to give me parenting advice and I don't feel compelled to hit them over the head.


Unless someone specifically says "are you birthing in a hospital?" Don't bring it up. And if they do, say "maybe, but maybe not" then change the subject.

Good luck!

[leurMaman]

Try to put it behind you. Tell yourself that you'll breathe deeply three times or take a nice hot bath everytime that she says something like that. So that next time you just think - cool, time to hop in the tub You have to let comments roll off your back. This is your decision and your baby.

[osker]

Originally Posted by ilovemyavery

We went through this with my IL's too. My MIL had an emergency c-section and was totally convinced that by birthing with a CNM we were risking our babies lives. We spent the whole pregnancy just kindly trying to explain our choice, but firmly state it wasn't up for discussion. My IL's weren't being meddling, they were truly worried, and we have a good relationship with them, so for us, it was important that they understood we were not taking an undo risk. With strangers, I learned to just smile and nod, or say, "we'll see!" or some other placating thing and not enter into a discussion.

This!

I think if you ignore it and move on you'll quickly find that you're the only one trying to move on. If you try to sweep it under the rug and hope for the best you'll just end up stepping on the bumpy spot in the rug a thousand times over. You know that you're not going to change your mind and you feel strongly about your choices, why be afraid to talk with MIL about it? There will be 9000 different things that will come up over the years and if you can establish a way to address her fears (which, I agree with pp, is the likely source of her comments) and help her see that you are making a strong, thoughtful, willful decision... in my opinion, you will be setting yourself up for much more success down to road!
Good luck!
Sometimes these conversations are not fun, but hopefully they get you to a place where everyone can feel heard and open and loved.

[lunarlady]

I think my mother was secretly hoping I, too, would change my mind about having DD at home. I just let it slide by saying "if I get into labor and it is too much, or there seems to be a problem, I can always go to the hospital. It's not like they won't let me in." I think she kept hoping right up until DD came at home. Now she is somewhat more supportive of my choice to homebirth, and actually seems to appricate the more individual care and attention I get from my midwife.

[Plummeting]

I learned to ignore comments like that, after I got so many of them when pregnant with DD. "Natural childbirth? You'll change your mind as soon as those contractions get bad!" "Cloth diapers? Ha! You'll give that up after about 3 weeks." "No one really breastfeeds for more than a couple of months. It's too hard and most women don't have enough milk. You'll see." You just have to ignore those kinds of comments - and have your husband deal with his own mother. What's most likely is that she'll quit saying things like that when she sees you DOING what you plan on doing. That's what the people in my life did. When we cloth diapered for 17 months before DD potty trained, when we breastfed for a looooong time, and when I did make it through that natural childbirth after all...well, they all lost their steam. I haven't heard a comment like that in years now, even though we're planning a home birth, breastfeeding, cloth diapering, etc. No one tells me I won't do what I say I'm going to do anymore. lol

[graciegal]

My folks are super crunchy, so I worried when I told them I was going to have an u/s LOL... they were cool with it but that's about it!

[HaikuMommy]

IMO, there are several ways to deal with this: passive, passive aggressive, assertive, and aggressive. Here are my "tongue-in-cheek" examples of each!

Passive = acquiesce to her wishes. Maybe give birth at her favorite hospital with the doctor she recommends. Yuck!

Passive aggressive = pretend to agree with her, but secretly feel angry and resentful (which she will eventually pick up on). Be nice to her face but constantly bitch about her to your husband behind her back. Maybe "accidentally" forget to invite her to your baby shower and start a lifelong simmering feud with your husband in the middle!

Assertive = tell her you and hubby have done a lot of research and are firm in your decisions. Then if she still tries to influence you, remind her politely that while you appreciate that she wants the best for you and the baby, you really aren't looking for advice, just support. If she still keeps bringing it up, let her know that you are going to go for a quick walk by yourself whenever she tries to give you uninvited advice (and then do it -- AKA boundaries!). She may not like it, but you are guarding the good things in your life from negative influences in a polite, firm way you can be proud of.

Aggressive = "Back off, you controlling old bat!!!" All-out war!
Another example of "Aggressive" would be arguing with her, telling her she is wrong and trying to convince her you are right. Calmly explaining your decision when asked is assertive, repeatedly beating someone over the head with your opinions is aggressive.

I strongly believe in assertiveness, myself. It's really easy for me to accidentally jump around to the other options when I get too emotional or intimidated, though! Practicing being assertive is a good example for my children, anyway. I think the world would be a much better place if we all stopped trying to control each other so much and just tried to appreciate and protect what was good in our own lives.

Just my thoughts! Best wishes with your MIL... she sounds like a handful!

[Cetan Luta]

Stand up for your parenting beleifs as nicely, as firmly, and as often as neccessary. Unfortunately, this is just the beginning. Parents and Inlaws have a very difficult time coming to terms with the fact that their children will be making their own parenting choices (many of which will not be what they did when raising their own kids) and it takes a lot of time and repetition for them to realize thatadvice is nice, and they no longer get to make the decisions or tell you what to do. I am 30 and having our 3rd child, parent similarly to the way my parents did, and they still have trouble remembering sometimes that I am no longer their baby. So my advice to you would be to use this as an opportunity for you and DH to set the stage for doing your own parenting. How does your DH respond when his mother says these things? Since it is his choice too, and his mother, you might see if he would be willing to say something to her about the two of you making your own, educated, intelligent decisions about parenting for yourselves. Good Luck Mama. We all go through this with our parents and inlaws to some degree over one or another of our parenting choices (especially the progressive ones) and I wish you lots of luck blossoming into the assured, independant, intelligent, intuitive mother you are!

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by graciegal

My folks are super crunchy, so I worried when I told them I was going to have an u/s LOL... they were cool with it but that's about it!

Same here! My mom was wringing her hands when I told her!


OP, where is your partner in this? If MIL had dropped that bomb in front of him it would have come with a really upfront conversation about boundaries and respect. I think you should leave it up to him. I could be off, but the way you wrote your OP makes it sound as if MIL was talking to other people, as if they were all together against you. That's a big sign for your DH to show that you guys are a strong team on this.

[Kelly1101]

Originally Posted by Plummeting

I learned to ignore comments like that, after I got so many of them when pregnant with DD. "Natural childbirth? You'll change your mind as soon as those contractions get bad!" "Cloth diapers? Ha! You'll give that up after about 3 weeks." "No one really breastfeeds for more than a couple of months. It's too hard and most women don't have enough milk. You'll see."

HAHAHA, I got those EXACT comments. A few people pulled the "oh, wait until you're in labor, you'll get the epidural." (I didn't) (and to one person who had been particularly annoying I said afterwards "looks like I didn't change my mind about that one, huh?")

My mom (who is pretty crunchy about everything else) said when I told her about CDs "Oh, that won't last long." *sigh* 10 months in and we're still CDing... and planning to do it with the new baby...

I had a co-worker say "Well, people really only breastfeed for like six weeks anyway. After that it's just too hard." Really? Cause my mom nursed all of us for a year or longer. So where are you getting YOUR information?


It's definitely just a part of pregnancy and motherhood. People gotta chip in those two cents. I'm actually finding it easier this time around because people already know that I'm a "weirdo" (hehehe) about childbirth and babies, and I know that I am confident in my choices because they have worked for me.

[Chamsia]

hope

My MIL used to work at a major medical university and is very very defensive of mainstream medicine. So our choices to homebirth, delay and minimally vax, and get real chicken pox have been an issue. That being said, we are very close and she is great in a million ways.

When I was preggo with my first, she was not thrilled with the hb choice, though she certainly knew better than to expect (or suggest) we'd change our minds. I wanted to welcome both her and my mother to the birth. But the invite came with a very clear stipulation that she could bring no doubts, second-guessing, or scared vibes into the birthplace.

Throughout my pregnancy she did research about homebirth. Ina May Gaskin was way too "out there" for my MIL, though she did admit that Ina May's stats are awesome.

To try to make a long story short...we continued to emphasize that she could only come to the birth if she, like us, would have complete confidence in the midwives, and be a loving support. She came, she did, she was. She was very impressed with the midwife.

Though still defensive about mainstream medicine, about a year after my daughter's birth she one day remarked to me "it seems you're right". She had realized that just about everyone she knew or even heard of who birthed in a hospital had a cesearean and/or some other kind of traumatic experience.

Ah, how I relish even the memory of that conversation!

Personally I'd let your MIL's comments roll off your back unless they are truly offensive to you. Do you feel valued and respected by her in other ways, and this is just how she acts when she doesn't understand your point of view? Or is it consistent condescention?

Best wishes for your pregnancy and with your MIL!

PS: I'm preggo again and there has been no discussion of the hb issue, except about how great my cnm is. MIL will be here with our daughter; hopefully they'll witness the birth.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

My fil did me exactly the same way about various issues. I just let my actions speak for me. The one thing he said that bugged the pee outta me when I was pg with dd was after I said I wouldnt be going back to work and he said oh yes you will you'll see and here it is 9+ years later and I have yet to go back Makes me feel good to prove him wrong.

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by MCatLvrMom2A&X

My fil did me exactly the same way about various issues. I just let my actions speak for me. The one thing he said that bugged the pee outta me when I was pg with dd was after I said I wouldnt be going back to work and he said oh yes you will you'll see and here it is 9+ years later and I have yet to go back Makes me feel good to prove him wrong.

Now my FIL had some things to drop too....now that you mention FILs

When he learned about our planned UC, he tried to give us money for insurance. (where/how did that myth get started anyways?)


The good ending is that seeing her born at home and peaceful was enough to tip him over the edge. He is now seeing a naturopath, off all allopathic drugs and a completely different man.

[jennmiller]

I can totally feel for you because I have been in exactly your position. I was advised by friends to ignore my MILs comments and let them roll off my back. While there is much to be said for remembering that you will not be able to change anyone but yourself, no matter how much you may want to, every time you don't respond firmly to her comments you are sending the message to her that you may in fact entertain her idea. What's more every time you do this you give up a piece of your power and authority as your child's mother.

What has worked for me is acknowledging her comment ("I hear your concern that _____.") and kindly restating my position ("We have made this choice very thoughtfully and it it not up for discussion."). I keep a smile on my face and speak slowly and softly. I then absolutely refuse to justify my position. I find it really weakens my position and authority. She's not looking for information, she just wants to try to maintain her position as the mother, instead of moving into the unfamiliar role of grandmother. If she genuinely does want information, which has never actually happened, I will offer to send her some. If she starts peppering me with derogatory comments I will tell her: "I can feel myself getting upset with you and that's really harmful for the baby. I know you wouldn't want to hurt our baby so I'm going to leave now." Then I go very confidently, knowing that I am doing the very best thing for myself and my baby.

I've been on this journey for five years now with my MIL and it has not been easy. She is fully aware now, though, that she is free to state her views but that I am my child's mother, not her. Actually, what really turned things around for me was an article in Mothering several years ago that talked about this very topic. I took the advice of the author, to quit "ignoring" negative and hurtful comments from family members and stand up for myself. It was without a doubt the very best piece of parenting advice I have ever received. Please think seriously about this, because if your MIL is anything like mine, your problems with her are about to get much, much worse when your baby is born and they won't go away until you take an active role in asserting yourself. I really wish you all the best. This is for sure one of the most difficult, but rewarding, things I have ever been through.