SO & I differing on religion????

[BirthNut]

My husband & I have been together over 3 years, married for just over 6 months. I was brought up in a Christian household, going to church, etc... My first marriage was to a Christian man & our children went to a private christian school until we divorced. I continue to have my roots in Christianity, but they are not firm, I am open to views of all religions, I enjoy studying and hearing about different religions, etc... I have friends that are Jewish, Pagan, etc... However my husband is a militant agnostic, he denounces any organized religion. This really makes me feel terrible because when I try to do anything involving "church", specifically going to church functions with my friends, I'd love him to be included or just go as a companion, but he will not. My daughter loves to go to Christian music concerts & I love taking her, but he has no part in it and makes fun of most all religions whenever he has an opportunity. At times I feel offended eventhough I know it isn't against me, but organized religion in general. I'm just looking for some advice possibly on how to get along better on this front because I want our child to be to "belong" in both my church family & his.

[EFmom]

I'm a fairly militant atheist. Dh is a UU and takes the kids to the UU church. I think that spiritually, he's an agnostic, but he thinks the UU church is good for the kids, and he's involved in it. We both come from Christian backgrounds. I am quite anti-organized religion, and see it as largely a negative thing with little redeeming value. I'm OK with him taking the kids to the UU church (but would not be OK with most other religions), and actually I'm nominally a member of the congregation, but I'm just done with religion, period.

My advice is to stop trying to foist your church-related activities on your partner. He doesn't want to do them and isn't interested. Go, enjoy yourself and have fun, but leave him out of it. If he says stuff about your beliefs that you find offensive, ask him to stop, as you have every right to believe what you want to believe. Just don't expect him to agree with you.

[just_lily]

What is your goal? Do you want him to come to church with you? Do you want him to be supportive? Or do you want him to stop saying negative things about your religion?

I think you are going to have to come at this from a place of mutual respect. Sit down with him, and talk it out. I would probably try to agree that you will stop inviting him to everything in exchange for him to stop saying negative things about your beliefs. I would make sure he understood that I still wanted him to come and he is always invited, but I will just stop bringing it up all the time.

If there is anything specific that you want him to come to, like CHristmas Eve, or Easter or something, I would lay it all out on the table at this time. If it is really important for you that he is there for these things, what are you willing to give up in exchange?

From your signature it looks like you are expecting your first baby together? Have you come to an agreement with him as to what you will be teaching this child when it comes to faith?

[EFmom]

I would also look at why exactly you want him to come. Do you like the company or are you trying to convert him? How does he react? Is he trying to prevent you from going, or does he just want to be left out of it?

I find church functions pretty intolerable. I'm biting my tongue about 95% of the time, and the other 5% I'm struggling not to burst into laughter. DH can now accept that, but it was a process. I'm sure that if I wanted to attend these things, he'd end up doing more with the church, but as it is, he goes if he really wants to go. Sometimes he takes the kids and sometimes not. The only time I go to anything is if one of the kids is giving a presentation. I cannot abide "fellowship." So, even things that a church goer might find benign, like a potluck or hiking trip, I cannot stand.

I also agree that this is a topic you need to explore with him if children are involved.

[lilyka]

is this who he was when you married him six months ago? if so, it is hardly fair that you expect him to be someone differnt now.

[doubledutch]

i agree that you should stop inviting him, but he should also be respectful of others (including you). it's fine to disagree with religion, but i don't think it's okay to make fun of it. my dh used to do this, and it didn't offend me, but it embarrassed me. he now realizes what an ass he was being, and stopped.

[kangamitroo]

Originally Posted by doubledutch

i agree that you should stop inviting him, but he should also be respectful of others (including you). it's fine to disagree with religion, but i don't think it's okay to make fun of it. my dh used to do this, and it didn't offend me, but it embarrassed me. he now realizes what an ass he was being, and stopped.

i have to say, if you and your children describe yourself as christian, and he makes fun of it, that seems hurtful. seems like a family conversation is needed, about how to respect differences? so that he does not feel christianity is being put upon him, nor does he disparage his family. i see this with my agnostic brother and born again dad, and their relationship is deteriorating.

when you talk with him about your hopes to share your religion with the children, i hope you can find something that works for both of you. to me, it would feel awful to take my child for religious services while my partner made fun of what i was doing. it would be confusing to the child, i would think. in our house, my partner does not believe in God and i do, so dd hears both of our views. he would never attend a social function, so if i want to go i mention, "i'd like to go. shall i take dd, or will she stay with you?", pretty nonchalant. i sometimes wish he could be there, but i don't ever say so, as he would be annoyed. he had to know, too, that i would never try to convince dd that my view is the only acceptable one, that i would respect his needs and ideas.

i don't know that i have any clear advice, but i wish you luck. i hope it won't become a source of stress for you.

[Ravin]

I'm going to agree with others that some mutual respect is in order. I'd stop trying to change his beliefs or getting him to participate in things he doesn't want to do, but at the same time, he needs to respect your beliefs and refrain from making fun of them and your church.

[DahliaRW]

Originally Posted by Ravin

I'm going to agree with others that some mutual respect is in order. I'd stop trying to change his beliefs or getting him to participate in things he doesn't want to do, but at the same time, he needs to respect your beliefs and refrain from making fun of them and your church.

ITA. Let him know he's always welcome to come with you, but that out of respect you will not ask him again unless he tells you he wants you to. The flip side is he needs to respect your choice to go if you want and not make fun of it.

[Magelet]

I agree about both giving each other space and respect.

With DP I will occasionally ask him to come with me to services, however he knows it's just an offer that I will always make and he is always free to turn down. sometimes he comes for the social aspect and to be there for me, and he often will if it involves walking to the car afterwards late at night in a bad part of town. however he knows that it's an offer he is free to accept or reject and I won't feel hurt. I might have originally, but I came to realize that it wouldn't help. He doesn't want to go, and I can't change that.

He does like to come to some of the social events.

I'd say you need to talk to him about respecting your religious choices both as a person and in front of the kids. You need to realize that he won't change. If he doesn't want to go to christian rock, he doesn't want to go. Goodness knows I would feel horribly uncomfortable there, and he might also. In terms of social aspects of church, if they aren't religious, merely social, then perhaps you need to let him know how much you would like him to come, however you also need to accept that he may feel very uncomfortable there, and church may remain something you do alone. I presume you knew that he was agnostic and uncomfortable with organized religion when you married him, so I'd say that to an extent, you have to accept him not wanting to participate.

[EFmom]

In my experience, social events at church always have some religious overtones, and the converstations often tend toward churchy stuff.