My ex suddenly wants custody

[Moonqueen]

Sigh. I just wrote a long, well thought out thread and it disappeared when I tried to post it. Here is a more disorganized, scattered version.

My ex and I have been separated for almost 5 yrs but nothing has ever been legalized (I gave him divorce papers a few yrs ago but he refused to sign and I didn’t take it any further). We have a 7 yr old and a 9 yr old who have always lived with me. He has lived 2 hrs away for the last couple of yrs and has been involved off and on - mostly on.

Yesterday I was telling him that I intend to move to the city he lives in after this semester in part because he and my sister are there. He, in turn, informed me, that he intends to move back to NY (where his family is)...with the children. My family is here in NM and I knew he planned to move back to NY but never with the children. He says that this is his only goal now and that he will take it to court. He is confident because:
-he has a well-paying job and a good support network there, while I am a poor student (my family is not well off either)
-I have a quasi live-in boyfriend (we have been together for almost 4 yrs)
-I have no idea what I’m going to do when I’ve completed school, no job waiting for me, can't afford more schooling

I agreed to meet him tomorrow morning to “better hear his position”. I am not sure how to proceed. Do I push for the divorce in order to establish custody? Is it likely he would be granted the ability to move out of state without my permission? He has not ever formally paid child support but has, on occasion given me money when I’ve asked (which has only been a few times). Should I push this? While our relationship is often strained, we get along the most part and acknowledge that we are both good people, parents. I really do not want to go this route but losing the children is not an option. I told him that I would let the children spend summers with him but he finds this unacceptable. I don’t know if we can solve this amicably but cannot afford a lawyer right now.

I would love any advice someone might have,
Thanks!

[wytchywoman]

Originally Posted by Moonqueen

Sigh. I just wrote a long, well thought out thread and it disappeared when I tried to post it. Here is a more disorganized, scattered version.

My ex and I have been separated for almost 5 yrs but nothing has ever been legalized (I gave him divorce papers a few yrs ago but he refused to sign and I didn’t take it any further). We have a 7 yr old and a 9 yr old who have always lived with me. He has lived 2 hrs away for the last couple of yrs and has been involved off and on - mostly on.

Yesterday I was telling him that I intend to move to the city he lives in after this semester in part because he and my sister are there. He, in turn, informed me, that he intends to move back to NY (where his family is)...with the children. My family is here in NM and I knew he planned to move back to NY but never with the children. He says that this is his only goal now and that he will take it to court. He is confident because:
-he has a well-paying job and a good support network there, while I am a poor student (my family is not well off either)
-I have a quasi live-in boyfriend (we have been together for almost 4 yrs)
-I have no idea what I’m going to do when I’ve completed school, no job waiting for me, can't afford more schooling

I agreed to meet him tomorrow morning to “better hear his position”. I am not sure how to proceed. Do I push for the divorce in order to establish custody? Is it likely he would be granted the ability to move out of state without my permission? He has not ever formally paid child support but has, on occasion given me money when I’ve asked (which has only been a few times). Should I push this? While our relationship is often strained, we get along the most part and acknowledge that we are both good people, parents. I really do not want to go this route but losing the children is not an option. I told him that I would let the children spend summers with him but he finds this unacceptable. I don’t know if we can solve this amicably but cannot afford a lawyer right now.

I would love any advice someone might have,
Thanks!

I don't see any reason why those excuses would be valid enough to remove the children from your home, especially given that they've lived with you this whole time. What he doesn't realize is that by having a great paying job and you having such little income, he's pretty much guaranteed himself a really phenomenal CS payment each month. I'd let the judge tip him off on that one though. Do you have a legal aid office in your county? I'd start seeking some help from them, and yes, I'd insist on some sort of custody agreement so that you don't have to face this kind of threat anymore. He hasn't even paid you regular CS, the kids have never lived with him, WTH makes him think he's going to gain custody???? Family and a job? Not gonna happen. As far as moving out of state, I doubt that he would be granted permission to move out of state if he gained custody, that can be really difficult to receive even with more deserving circumstances. There's nothing a judge can do though if he decides to move and leave the kids with you. At that point I would make very certain that you have an order to garnish wages so that you can get regular CS payments. And you might want to consider asking the judge to order him to pay legal expenses seeing as he is the one that is instigating a court battle.

[chaoticzenmom]

I agree. You've been fine as sole provider all these years. He can't just move to another state and take the kids. Why would he even want to do that at this point? He didn't want to do that while living 2 hrs away, what's changed?

I'd go file at least a temporary custody motion so he can't leave with them. I think you may be able to do that much with no lawyer. I'd consult a lawyer and see what your chances are of having him pay for the divorce and get that started NOW.

Since he's stated his intentions, I wouldn't let him have the kids until an order of custody was established with the court. I wouldn't meet with him either. It sounds like there may be some history of emotional abuse that you may not even realize.

[grisandole]

What the pp's said. And file for divorce/custody ASAP. You want it documented that the kids have lived with you and he only has visitation. Filing should also establish the case in NM and hopefully will help if he tries to take them out of state. You can put in the paperwork that neither party is not to take them out of state w/out written permission and consent. Here in CA you can file an emergency request to get that granted if you feel the other parent is a flight risk...NM probably has something similar....

[Super~Single~Mama]

start a custody action. The judge will order that the children cannot be permamently moved from the jurisdiction until there is a final order - if they don't move to do that ask them to. They will if you ask. When you file you should also ask that the court order the children cannot be relocated from their current location - this means they stay with you until a court date. The first court date will establish custody.

Oh yeah, and get divorced. Formally.

ETA - the first court date will establish a "temporary parenting agreement" NOT custody. BUT - the caveat to that is that 999 times out of a 1,000 - the "Temporary Parenting Agreement" becomes final. So get that. ASAP. Don't engage in conversations about custody with him any longer. Just don't. Avoid it.

[MissLotus]

Wow, he has a lot of nerve. You say you get along pretty well, but I wouldn't call his threat to move your children across the country amicable by any means.

Don't start promising away summers, whatnot - you or your children may not want to do that in the future. And you don't need to promise that to stave off the custody threat, because he's full of it. You are their primary caregiver and as long as you aren't abusive or a drug user, etc, he can threaten all he wants. Like a PP said, all his grand income means is that he can certainly afford to pay a decent amount of child support, and it's sad that you've had to ASK him for assistance up until now! - a fact I would certainly share with a judge if it comes to that.

Also, NO, don't let him take the kids without a custody order, because he's now a flight risk. No decent man threatens to take children away from their mother. Period.

[KalamazooMom]

Originally Posted by thyra

start a custody action. The judge will order that the children cannot be permamently moved from the jurisdiction until there is a final order - if they don't move to do that ask them to. They will if you ask. When you file you should also ask that the court order the children cannot be relocated from their current location - this means they stay with you until a court date. The first court date will establish custody.

Oh yeah, and get divorced. Formally.

Absolutely agree with all of this.

[pranamama]

ask an attorney what not to do if you do meet him, maybe you should file now and put off that meeting. Gather your documentation that the children have been living with you, not him, and make sure it is legally admissable. That is really weird what he is doing, but at least he gave you a heads up before taking your kids to New York! That is exactly why you need a legally enforcable agreement.

[daniellebluetoo]

Having gone thru a HELLACIOUS custody battle a few years ago with my DS and x, I can confirm that what the ohter lovely mamas is saying is ABSOLUTELY where you should start.

Call legal aid if no legal aid, call your local bar association, call your local womens groups, even if you don't feel that they can directly provide you services, they WILL be able to tell you who can!

Get a temporary order

get divorced

Go on with life as usual, you have nothing to worry about, he's going to try and be a PITA, but seriously, he can't take the kids if you've gotten something done with the courts BEFORE he moves, so get that done ASAP> YOU are the custodial parent and that usually doesn't change unless something MAJOR happens and your found to be unfit or something weird like that, and even then I've seen custodial parents keep their status.

You absolutely DO NOT need a lawyer for this, you CAN do it all by yourself, but some helpful advice form the legal aid dept. would be great!!!!


Good luck mama, don't worry you kids will be just fine with YOU!

[Goodmom2008]

Lets see if I got this straight:

You are planning on moving to where your stbx (he's not your ex until the divorce is final) and your sister (your support system, btw) are. In other words, you are looking at moving closer to their father. He, on the other hand, is looking to move the kids away from their mother.

He can take this to court all he wants, he's not going to be able to change custody at this time. It's already been established that you are the custodial and he is the long-distance parent.

You are looking to do what is in the best interest of the kids by moving them closer to their father. He is looking to move them away from their mother.

You have always been consistent with the kids, he hasn't (I hope that you documented that, if not, start documenting now).

As for his pointing out that he is better off financially, well, that's what child support is for. As for support system, well, it didn't bother him all of these years, why now? As for your sort of live-in boyfriend, again, it didn't bother
him before, why now? Although, if I were you, I would lay low. You are still married even if you have been separated for years.

Does he pay any child support now? If not, use that against him. Point out how he hasn't been financially supporting his kids. If there is no court order, well, the judge is still going to take the fact that he hasn't financially contributed into consideration.

When you meet with your stbx, make it clear that the kids won't be moving with him to NY. But you are willing to discuss a long-distance parenting plan for him. He would probably get most of the summer and most of the school breaks, as that is likely what a judge will order. But he's not getting custody.

[Moonqueen]

Wow

Wow again. Thank you so much mamas for such amazing advice.

He can't just move to another state and take the kids. Why would he even want to do that at this point? He didn't want to do that while living 2 hrs away, what's changed?

He has no support system in this state. His family is all in NY.

I read all your replies before I left and also sought the advice of a friend who's been to court several times over custody issues with her ex husband. I did end up going to meet him for coffee yesterday. He immediately apologized for ambushing me, said that he had no interest in going to court (I think, in part, he realized that he would stand no chance). He told me why he feels he needs to go to NY and as I listened to him, I was easily able to sympathize. Having the kids would be really good for him. I explained, though, that it's not enough. While he's a good dad and I know he would never provide a bad environment for them, I just don't feel that they would be better off with him. I make certain that my schedule is flexible so that I can be very involved with them and their schooling. My mom and most of my family is here and so they are just surrounded with love. They need me and vice versa. Though disappointed, my stbx knows this. He hates the idea of being a weekend dad and I explained that if he chooses to stay in NM, I will be happy to co-parent with him. He doesn't feel he can stay here but we'll see what happens.

Stbx can't transfer anywhere for several months. Even then, he's not a flight risk. While having the children would be best for him, I think he knows it would not be in their best interest. I talk to his mom in NY often and I'm sure she would not support his taking the children without my permission.

Stbx does not pay child support. I will go see legal aid (that's who helped me fill out the divorce papers last time) and see about child support, a custody agreement, and the divorce.

Thank you again so much for your help. You have no idea how much I appreciate your insight.

[NolaRiordan]

Originally Posted by Moonqueen

Stbx can't transfer anywhere for several months. Even then, he's not a flight risk. While having the children would be best for him, I think he knows it would not be in their best interest. I talk to his mom in NY often and I'm sure she would not support his taking the children without my permission.

Stbx does not pay child support. I will go see legal aid (that's who helped me fill out the divorce papers last time) and see about child support, a custody agreement, and the divorce.

Glad this seems to be turning out OK at the moment. But I would still recommend proceeding with the divorce and the custody agreement. You all need that protection.

[2cutiekitties]

I don't get his thinking. His family is all in NY. Um, no his kids are his family and they are not in NY. Am I loonytoones or is that not how it works??????????

[Super~Single~Mama]

I'm glad you're going to go see legal aid - you really do need to get the divorce finalized. Even if he won't sign the papers - I'm sure you can get a judge to grant you a divorce. And, you need to get custody figured out b/c its my understanding that you don't get child support until there is a final custody determination (where I am anyway).

[MissLotus]

Originally Posted by 2cutiekitties

I don't get his thinking. His family is all in NY. Um, no his kids are his family and they are not in NY. Am I loonytoones or is that not how it works??????????

Seriously. Here's the thing - I DO have custody, and I wouldn't be able to take off for another state without my ex's permission. So this guy's a joker if he thinks he has a snowball's chance in Hades. You're very nice, OP, to sit there listening thoughtfully to him, but it surely doesn't sound like he deserves it.

Also, "He hates the idea of being a weekend dad." I notice he also hates the idea of financially supporting his children. In a judge's eyes, and I have to say in my own as well: that would be considered a deadbeat dad.

[grisandole]

Why is he not paying child support? Get to the courthouse asap, most have assistance available on-site.

[kittygrrl523]

hugs to you mama!!!! i don't have much in the way of advice that hasn't already been said. i am just now begin to need to bring legal aid in to my own situation as well. wishing you the best for you and your kiddos!!!!!

[meemee]

really instead of focusing on the legal aspect of things i would keep dialogingj with him. him and you talking is the most important thing. you said you had a good relationship and it seems like he realised he didnt make sense.

keep talking to him - making observations with none of your opinion but just talking thru your kids point of view. how it would affect the children.

also be aware that the legal system really opens up pandora's box. and asking for CS might start that process. that doesnt mean you shouldnt file for CS. but if you think your situation is good now and everything is working well for all of you - i wouldnt rock the boat.

show him how disrupting it would be for your kids moving to a totally new env. without mom. not opinions. but facts. new school. new friends. leaving old friends behind.