daycare situation. (long) x posted in parenting.

[2xshy]

I am currently facing a situation at my daughters daycare and would like some input on how you would handle this situation, any been there done that commiseration, and ideas on how to proceed.

My DD will be 2 in april. she has been at daycare since she was about 15 months. I have never had any major disagreements with them in so far as how she is treated or their ways of doing things but little things here and there have gotten to me.

Currently DD is in a biting, pinching phase. She has always been a biter, she was very mouthy as an infant and really likes to explore with her mouth, when she was smaller they were understanding of the biting as she was teething and her bites weren't so much out of frustration or anger but out of teething and not really knowing or having any understanding of what it does. Lately when she is frustrated she has been biting other children. a lot. it comes and goes though, we'll have a few weeks or a month of no biting and then she'll bite everyday for a few weeks. From what i can tell she bites for 2 reasons, out of frustration when she can't verbalize or other kids are pulling at her, she has to share or other toddler type frustrations and the second is when she hugs. She loves to hug kids, and sometimes when she hugs them she bites them on the cheek or ear pretty hard. I feel its like she "loves on them" too hard. So her daycare has been letting me know and they are using time outs with her when she bites. I'm not always thrilled with this but i understand they keep her in the same room and just have her cool down on a chair andlet her know biting isn't nice. when she bites at home I very seldom use any kind of time out but i talk to her and try to help her verbailize or try and give her something to agree with let me know she isn't ok with what we are doing. if after many many many times of her continuing to bite or be aggressive i will give her a time out, i will sit in her room while she is in her crib and we have a cool down period. and then talk about gentle touch and making nice. I dislike doing time out at all but sometimes i just need to break the pattern and re directing is not working.

The other morning at daycare when i dropped her off the director who is also on the floor told me they wanted me to hire a shadow for DD for the biting. it was early and i was just dropping her off so i was a bit shocked, but told them i would think about things and look into it. in retrospect i feel i should have been called or emailed and it given an appropriate amount of time for discussion.

I have sevral friend who work in behavioral psych with children, friend who work as shadows, and friends in special education all of whom i contacted and asked their opinions and thoughts on the situation.
My friend who works at a hospital with children with conduct disorders offered to come in for the day and observe DD at daycare and sit down with the staff and myself to put together a plan based on her background in this and what she saw of my DD and how they handled the situations. I know 1 day is not long but i feel her background and the ideas she and i discussed together could have been a positive start and the least invasive way to handle things and go from there. the daycare director essentially tole me she could come but they would not change how they did things and pressed on with me finding a shadow for her for a few weeks as she thinks that will "cure" the biting issue.

DD is now being put with the older group of kids with whom she cannot relate to as well, because they say they can defend themselves from her. she is pushing more now because of this as i think the older kids are rougher with her. The daycare staff also go up to her multiple times a day and tell her "no biting" even when she is playing well with the other kids.

Some of the parents at the daycare are complaining about DDs biting and the daycare constantly is telling me this. I realize this is not pleasant behavior but from everything i have come to understand it is not out the realm of "normal" toddler behavior. I also feel all this negativity is making the situation worse.

my gut as her mother says this is a phase and she needs to worked with in a different approach then what is being taken currently. I feel a shadow may help for the 2 weeks they are present but in the end if her environment is not more supportive and less punitive this will continue.

I live in a province where daycare is extremely hard to come by, waiting lists exceed 2-3 years. I am making calls though in hopes i find a better suited establishment for her needs. I cannot just take her out of daycare and not go to school or work. right now i rely on bursaries and loans for school to get by. I am a single and solo parent (no father around what so ever) and i do have my mother who helps out but she cannot take her as much as i would need. I feel like my hand right now are tied and i have to get a shadow for her to appease her daycare but feel this isn't the best route.

I feel like in some ways i am being discriminated against ( i have a lot of tattoos, a few piercings ...) and i feel like they think i am some teen mom ( though i dont feel that would be a bad thing) even though im close to 30. I feel their thoughts about me are translating to how they are treating my child and dealing with this situation.

they are threatening to start suspending her.

if anyone has any thoughts please share.

thanks

[madskye]

I think your daycare sounds great, actually.

They're trying to deal with the situation, and involving you.

Some biting is normal, but what you are describing sounds pretty severe and like a problem in a daycare setting. It doesn't mean your child is a bully or bad, or anything like that--but it does mean right now, she needs some extra supervision and guidance to move past this behavior.

My DD has been going to daycare since she was 12 weeks old--we went thru the biting phase when she was in her twos, and she bit other kids a couple of times but for the most part, she was "the bitten" and as a parent it is just the pits to come pick up your kid, get the biting report, and see that mark. I don't want my child to be anyone's pin cushion, you know? Once she became verbal enough to talk about it, she talked about it constantly. She had a biter in her class and dealing with it was really hard, I knew the little girl--I know she wasn't a bully and that to an extent it's age appropriate but my question to the administration was that if this was an ongoing issue, why wasn't that child more heavily supervised for now?

So, your school is doing what I wish my school had done--yes, it stinks to be the parent of the biter, but trust me--they are under A LOT of pressure from the other parents if this is a problem that's chronic enough that the other parents have id'd your child as the biter.

I'm not sure about moving her into the older room, and if you do get the shadow, can she go back to the younger room?

You mention that you think this is a stage and she can move past it with a different approach--what are you thinking of suggesting to the school?

Why do you feel discriminated against? Is it past experiences with the DCP? Because this all sounds very by-the-book to me.

Hang in there, I guess my advice would be not to take this personally and look at it as the DCP's being really proactive to get your daughter past this behavior and KEEP her there in school.

[Gentle~Mommy :)]

I took my son out of daycare because another child kept biting him and no one would do anything to protect my son and/or discipline/teach the biting child.

I would not have had to do that if they had worked with the biter and his family like they are doing with you and your little girl. Sometimes you have to think of others before yourself, how would you feel if your daughter came home with a bite on her cheek? I was furious my son was being hurt and not protected, I still feel sick about it today just posting this.

Please let them do what they have to do to keep the other children safe and don't feel descriminated against, they are trying to help the situation not cause trouble for you.

[Cameron's Mommy]

I'm not sure they are handling the situation all that well, toddler biting is a normal behavior and one that they should be able to handle. I don;t understand why they would take your child out of her age group? it isn;t appropriate for her to be with the older children and may not even be legal.. but I don;t know the exact stipulations for age groups or even your situation. But I worked in a couple different daycares before I had my son and we had MANY biters, and it is hard to deal with, I hate to say this but these children were often treated poorly by the daycare workers because its frustrating. also like the other ladies said here the daycare is under pressure from other parents to keep the biting behavior under control.. but these other parents should not know that your child is doing the biting. if you wanted to hire someone to work with your child I would do so but you shouldn't be required to hire someone to shadow your child in a setting where she should already be watched closely.

[bobandjess99]

I have to agree, I think it is great they are working with you. Honstly, from the extent of how you describe it, most places I know would have simply terminated your child from the program. While biting can be a "normal" toddler behavior, it is also probably one of the most dangerous ones, and therefore extremely hard to deal with. It's a huge liability. Plus, with biting, there is the possibility of fluid mixing if the skin is broken, which is a whole 'nuther issue (not that I'm saying your kid has any diseases or anything, but from the other parents perspective, it's a serious, valid concern..how do they know your kid isn't giving their kid hepatitis or herpes, etc??) Your child is repeatedly assaulting classmates. I'm sure you can understand that from the opposite perspective, if you have a child who was being bitten, you can understand how the other parents desire to protect THEIR children as well. Maybe you can try to think about it from that perpective..if your child didn't bite, but was going to a daycare that had a serious biter, how woudl you want the daycare to address the issue to keep your child safe?

[expatmommy]

What is the staff to child ratio where she is? Honestly, it sounds like they aren't providing enough supervision to keep their charges safe. I would put the onus back on them to find enough staff to deal with a normal developmental issue. It doesn't sound to me like they are working with you at all, but are putting an ultimatum on you to 'fix' the solution without a lot of effort on their part.

[Aubergine68]

Also Canadian here, but a different province. I have to agree with the pp who said they believe the daycare is probably handling this appropriately.

I have had my oldest child in daycares, worked in childcare for a number of years, am currently running a daycare in my home. Biting is not unusual, but it is also not ok. My first priority is to keep the children in my care safe and a bite that breaks the skin is considered a serious incident requiring medical attention because of the risk of infectious disease. If I can't keep the children safe from one another with the staff ratio I have, then the child who is prone to violent behaviors cannot stay in the program. It is not fair at all, because toddlers sure aren't culpable for that behavior, it *is* within normal range. But it is a reality.

With some children the *only* way to deal with biting is to have an aide shadow them one-on-one while they are awake, ready to intervene and distract the child who bites *before* the bite happens, to figure out the specific biting triggers and to work with the child on developing new strategies for dealing with these specific stresses. You simply can't accomplish that level of supervision with standard staff-child ratios (and this is probably the source of frustration for the staff working with your daughter right now); you need to bring someone in to cover it.

Either a parent or family member comes in, or special needs aide if there are special needs, or you bring in another staff person. And who pays the cost? I've never heard of a daycare asking a parent to cover the cost of a shadow, but honestly, mostly, the daycares I've had experience with just terminate care for children who bite if other parents are complaining a lot. Especially in a tight childcare market where there is a waiting list for the spot.

I don't think there is any discrimination here. It actually sounds like they may be going out of their way to work with you and figure something out.

Have you asked what their success rate has been in the past with their policy?

Your daughter *will* grow out of this stage pretty quickly, but it seems like an eternity when it is going on.

Have you tried baby sign language to help facilitate communication?.

[justKate]

I am also the parent of a biter, albeit a smaller one. DD is 12.5 mos and has started biting and pinching the other babies and the teachers. She is around the median age in her classroom, and just seems obsessed with skin right now. And there's the teething, and the "loving," but sometimes she just bites out of frustration.

Two days ago she bruised another baby by biting him. The baby teachers didn't even mention it until I asked, but I am at a loss as to how to approach it. Right now we're trying really hard to focus on learning about how mouths are for soft touches, but I can't say that I wouldn't be equally upset if DD were the bitee rather than the biter.

It's a lose-lose situation, mama. I hope the school finds a positive way to work with your DD.

[One_Girl]

It sounds like they are really nice about working with you. Most daycares would kick your child out if the problem got so bad your child needed one on one care. Some daycares would have kicked her out after the first few days of biting. A shadow will hopefully be able to isolate the causes of her biting and help her and the teachers find a way to get her through this stage without you having to find alternate care.

[StephandOwen]

Ah, the well known biting phase. I work in a daycare and we've seen this quite a bit (unfortunately). I've only had 2 kids in the 2 1/2 years I've worked here that have been really severe biters. From the daycare providers perspective... it's impossible to watch every single child every single minute. Kids get bit, and it sucks. But from a parents perspective... it sucks to pick up your child and see those bite marks!

Has the daycare tried redirecting the biting? Maybe you could get her a chewy toy? My ds has a chewy tube that he loves to chew on (he doesn't bite kids, but chews on everything). There's also plenty of chewy necklaces and bracelets out there (search chewlery).

[Serenyd]

I think re-directing is a great idea. And do what the daycare asks you. I agree with other posters, you're lucky they haven't suspended your daughter already and are trying to work it out instead. Have you thought that maybe it is because they know you are single mom and want to help you out?

[Kristine233]

I agree with the others, the daycare soudns liek they are trying really hard. I was a director of a center for awhile and our policy was that after x many times we terminated the child/family. It sucked, but we simply had to protect the other children. We'd also get a lot of complaints from other parents and would have parents leave over thier child continually getting bit. So you either lose half a class or one child.

Have you tried sign language? One way we dealt with agressive behavior or "overly affectionate" behavior was to implement sign language. It helped the toddlers communicate when they were unable to with words. Also keeping them busy busy helped and with things in thier hands.

[almadianna]

I think they are doing a great job of trying to help everyone involved. They cannot stand back and just let a child keep biting other kids and I have known of daycares who removed children for less than this.

It is hard on you mama I am sure but I would allow them to help your daughter.

[GuildJenn]

I think bringing in the shadowing person is liable to be the least disruptive solution for everyone. IMO, they are not bringing the shadow in to be annoying but rather to keep the other kids safe while giving your child time to mature.

[bluebunny]

I agree with the others that it sounds great that the daycare is willing to work with you. I think a shadow is an excellent idea. My son was the target of biter(s) when he was in daycare. It was absolutely heartbreaking to pick him up and get a "bitten report" and see the bruise on his face, shoulder, or arm. He was bitten six times in a two-week period. I admit that we gave the director some heat about it and she finally agreed to have the main biter shadowed.

I know of two people whose children were terminated from daycares for biting. I'm glad they are willing to work with you but I know it is hard.

[Carita]

i am not sure what else can be done, but i thought i'd point out one thing I noticed - why would you go up to a child that wasn't biting and tell them "no biting?" To me, if you say no X or don't do X, they start thinking about X a lot. Maybe you could suggest that they instead use only postive language. I know they are reluctant to change, but it seems like a rather obvious thing and a small one to fix. Instead of telling her what not to do, ask her to "play gentle with your friends. Good job!"

I am pleasantly shocked at the shadow thing - its sounds rather proactive to me and a great start - but as long as the shadow is helping in a positive way.