SAHM in U.S. society - Page 3

[honey-lilac]

I don't have any help nor do I have a village. My first was super high needs (ridiculously so) as a baby but he is somewhat better now as a toddler. My baby was a very mellow baby but is turning into a bit more of a handful as a toddler. They are 10 months apart.

When they were babies things did not get done. I nursed and triaged crying babies and tried to stay sane. Somewhat.

Now that they are toddlers, it may be super un-AP but they know that after breakfast (when they are still in great moods, they're both morning larks) they will go in their rooms to play quietly by themselves. Serious. I bribe them with the promise of "after mommy finishes her chores we will go to abc and we'll do xyz together." I go through a set of morning chores to keep the house clean. I don't do them with the two of them. If I only had one, I would, but with the two of them interacting NOTHING gets done, and I am crying-frustrated in the 45 minutes it takes to do one load of laundry. Without them I can zip through it in a few minutes.

If one is fussy I will snap him or her on my back or something, so it's not like I leave them upset or anything, but 5 days out of 7 usually they're OK for something like 30 minutes. And honestly I think that with them being together the rest of the time it's healthy for them to have a little independence. We did co-sleep and babywear and stuff so it's not like I'm trying to mold them into independent little creatures, but I do need sanity and starting the day off with my mental to-do list checked off - dishes done, lunch prepped, bathrooms clean, laundry done, clutter picked up, floors swept and vacuumed, etc. - put me in a good, calm mood.

I normally get through everything in about half an hour to an hour. (If it's taking longer I will go in to the kids at intervals to check on them or bribe them with an apple or whatever it takes to keep them entertained; I also have special toys I squirrel away to keep them busy when things are taking longer than anticipated or they're bored; but they're rarely bored really.)

The rest of the day we will do things together - not usually kid-centered activities, but sometimes yes - such as running errands, gardening, thrifting, or taking a walk. Or baking or canning or something. We listen to music and just be silly. We read lots of books and a few times a week we will have a DVD in the afternoon - no TV otherwise.

Do I miss adult companionship? Yes. Could I have used a hand or 12 when mine were babies and I was freaking out all.the.time about how overstressed I was with two babies? HECK YES. But is it possible to survive, even without the support of a community, extended family, or even supportive partner - yes, yes it is. I make it my job to make myself happy, and that comes first. If I'm happy and content, I can be a good mommy. If I'm resentful that my life sucks, I'm not a good mommy. So I make myself #1 *IN ORDER TO* make my babies' lives better. Hope that makes sense.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by honey-lilac

Could I have used a hand or 12 when mine were babies and I was freaking out all.the.time about how overstressed I was with two babies? HECK YES. But is it possible to survive, even without the support of a community, extended family, or even supportive partner - yes, yes it is.

I do see what you are saying, and I did survive having no help and no village. I think I've done a fairly decent job as a parent. But it was easier to survive as a parent with no village/help when I was a SAHM for two years because there was simply more time. Now I am back to work, and I just have no time, and I think a village is missed even more if I have meetings that are outside of my child care hours, or I have to travel for work. Traveling for work when you have no where to take your child is the pits.

So, yeah, one can survive using creative methods and by continuing to push forward, but it isn't easy by any means. And I'm not sure if my career will survive. I'll be OK and my child will be OK, but my career? It is suffering.

[holothuroidea]

Being a SAHP is hard work. It's a 24 hour job, plus you are usually expected to be a stay-at-home-housekeeper and stay-at-home-bookkeeper and stay-at-home-chef and stay-at-home-etcetera.

Honestly, we are human and we can only do one job at a time. If we are having an excellent day maybe we can do two. Sure, women 100 years ago did it all, but they had help. Then in the 50's we tried it again and 95% of women ended up either depressed or alcoholics or methamphetamine addicts or all of the above.

Only expect yourself to do one job at a time. Then, make sure every one knows that is all they can ask of you.

All of that having been said, the hardest part about being SAH is that it is so easy to become isolated. And bored, because let's face it- taking care of kids is tiring but not exactly mentally stimulating. I live in a place with no sense of community and this is the hardest aspect of staying at home for me. But if I start to think, "Why don't I have the support of a community of mothers around me," then the loneliness really seeps in. It's a dangerous way to think. Happiness is not getting what you want, it is wanting what you've got.

Also dust bunnies don't bite.

[Chamsia]

romanticizing undeveloped cultures

Hi guys. Just a few words about the romantic AP notion of native peoples holding their babies all the time...I lived in West Africa (Niger, the world's poorest country) for 2+ years as a Peace Corps volunteer...

Yes, babies there were held all the time. Worn by women and girls (pretty much a soon as they could walk!) and sometimes held by men and boys. Once the kids could walk they ran around the village in a pack with the older kids, who supervised. Adults in the vacinity might supervise too. So, yes, there certainly is the "village raising a child" thing. It is really neat! And the older ones aren't generally underfoot causing trouble. Where I lived girls started helping with work (hauling water, gathering wood, pounding grain) as soon as they could walk. They played some, too, but much of their play was learning to work. The boys helped during field work season (5+ months/year) and with other "boy"tasks (herding animals, making bricks) but had a lot more time to roam and play, which they did in packs, good-naturedly.

These mothers wear their babes because they have to work 24/7. They would LOOOVE a bouncy seat or an exersaucer! Pounding grain into flour, walking long distances with heavy jugs of water, and all of the other things they do would be much less taxing without a babe on their back (and often another in the belly). But that's their life.

It's annoying how The Continuim Concept, Diaper Free babies and other books romanticize these cultures while ignoring such harsh realities as utter, horrific poverty. The babies where I lived didn't cry much because they were malnourished and listless--not because they were perfectly content since they were carried all the time!

Anyway, this is MIGHTY off topic. It WAS wonderul to see the way the community cooperated there to raise children. I think of it often as I struggle with my 3 1/2 yo. But it's not all roses, either.

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at here...I just wanted to write this after reading some of the romantic posts about having a village to raise a child, and mamas feeling guilty for not living up to the AP "ideal".

We should definitely hold our little ones a lot. And back carriers are the best for getting stuff done! (I back-carried mine in a cloth the way I learned in Niger, and will do that with my new babe too.) But for heaven's sake don't beat yourself up for using the tools that we are blessed with, as long as you are also holding your babe plenty and giving it lots of love. I am sure that you are!!!

Best wishes everyone! It IS hard being a SAHM. I feel like I do well on the mama part, and pretty poorly in the homemaking/organization part. Like any profession, this comes more naturally to some than others.

[That Is Nice]

Originally Posted by Chamsia

Hi guys. Just a few words about the romantic AP notion of native peoples holding their babies all the time...I lived in West Africa (Niger, the world's poorest country) for 2+ years as a Peace Corps volunteer...

Yes, babies there were held all the time. Worn by women and girls (pretty much a soon as they could walk!) and sometimes held by men and boys. Once the kids could walk they ran around the village in a pack with the older kids, who supervised. Adults in the vacinity might supervise too. So, yes, there certainly is the "village raising a child" thing. It is really neat! And the older ones aren't generally underfoot causing trouble. Where I lived girls started helping with work (hauling water, gathering wood, pounding grain) as soon as they could walk. They played some, too, but much of their play was learning to work. The boys helped during field work season (5+ months/year) and with other "boy"tasks (herding animals, making bricks) but had a lot more time to roam and play, which they did in packs, good-naturedly.

These mothers wear their babes because they have to work 24/7. They would LOOOVE a bouncy seat or an exersaucer! Pounding grain into flour, walking long distances with heavy jugs of water, and all of the other things they do would be much less taxing without a babe on their back (and often another in the belly). But that's their life.

It's annoying how The Continuim Concept, Diaper Free babies and other books romanticize these cultures while ignoring such harsh realities as utter, horrific poverty. The babies where I lived didn't cry much because they were malnourished and listless--not because they were perfectly content since they were carried all the time!

Anyway, this is MIGHTY off topic. It WAS wonderul to see the way the community cooperated there to raise children. I think of it often as I struggle with my 3 1/2 yo. But it's not all roses, either.

I'm not really sure what I'm getting at here...I just wanted to write this after reading some of the romantic posts about having a village to raise a child, and mamas feeling guilty for not living up to the AP "ideal".

We should definitely hold our little ones a lot. And back carriers are the best for getting stuff done! (I back-carried mine in a cloth the way I learned in Niger, and will do that with my new babe too.) But for heaven's sake don't beat yourself up for using the tools that we are blessed with, as long as you are also holding your babe plenty and giving it lots of love. I am sure that you are!!!

Best wishes everyone! It IS hard being a SAHM. I feel like I do well on the mama part, and pretty poorly in the homemaking/organization part. Like any profession, this comes more naturally to some than others.

Really great post! Thanks so much! This is a point I was trying to make quite a while ago on this thread. I don't think you were off topic at all. I think there is definitely romanticism of babywearing in native cultures. While there are beautiful and good things about it, it is definitely rooted in necessity and often in back breaking work, which I'm sure is even harder with a baby there.

And, yes, I'm sure you are quite right - the mothers who babywear out of necessity would probably love a bouncer or exersaucer. And a dishwasher. Etc.